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Lynne Spears, Celebrity Mother of the Year

By: Bobby Finstock on 12/19/07 @ 6:30 am

Raising kids isn’t easy. There isn’t a book that covers everything, nor is there a course you can take. I don’t have any kids… well that I know of. There could be some kid with a head that is disproportionate to the rest of his body somewhere in Upstate NY that has an odd fascination with poop jokes and the word bukkake.

Anyways, sometimes you screw up raising a kid and you just have to chalk it up to maybe not knowing what you are completely doing.

britney rage

Sure you do the best you can to help your totally fucked up child out, maybe send them to rehab or what have you. Sometimes you just need to cut your losses and look at your next child and not make the same mistakes you did in raising your first.

Well congratulations to Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn… Not only did she give us the biggest train wreck in America next to Courtney Love but it was just announced the other day that her 16 year old daughter is pregnant. Teenage pregnancy happens, I am not some moralist that is going to preach at people that get knocked up when they are in their teens, I don’t recommend it but shit happens. However when you have one of the most fucked up kids on the planet keeping the other one from knocking out a child before they are 18 should be easy, you just have to repeat one simple phrase, “look at your sister.”

For example:

On Dating:

Jamie Lynn: Mom I am going out on a date tonight.

Lynne: Look at your sister….

Jamie Lynn: Damn you are right Mom, maybe I should join a convent.

On Partying:

Jamie Lynn: Mom I got invited to this big party tonight, there are going to be a lot of Hollywood people there.

Lynne: Look at your sister…

Jamie Lynn: Wow, good point, I think I am going to stay home and have some chocolate milk instead.

On Education:

Jamie Lynn: Momma, I don’t feel like no book learnin’ tonight.

Lynne: Look at your sister

Jamie Lynn: Hand me that copy of Darwin.

Sure maybe I am expecting a lot from a white trash family from Louisiana that hit the lottery when their daughter got onto the Mickey Mouse Club. Then they decided after their cash cow Britney got out of their clutches that they needed to put her sister through the wringer to eek out a living, good move. It isn’t like Lynne has to work. In fact her only responsibility with a kid on a Disney show is as follows:

-Don’t get them caught in a drug controversy

-Don’t let nude pictures leak out onto the net, no matter what age.

-Don’t let them get knocked up.

Feeding, clothing, sheltering, and teaching them is all handled by Disney, how can you screw up the one of the only three tasks you have to do?

So Lynn Spears, congratulations you have won the award for Celebrity Mother of the Year.

lynne spears

Have fun helping your daughter raise her child… actually better yet you should probably stay very far away.

Is this another reason why dumb people shouldn’t breed?

P.S.- I just found out the father of her child is 19 and they have been dating for awhile. So he started nailing her when she was like what 14 or 15? Lynne was apparently supportive of the relationship, way to go Lynne.

(The contest results: Yesterday I ran a contest, regular hooker or trannie hooker, the correct answers are: they are all trannies. There are multiple people that gave the correct answer, I am going to be doing a tie breaker for them tomorrow.)

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

39 Responses to “Lynne Spears, Celebrity Mother of the Year”

  1. Isha says:

    you stole my blog for the day..lol jk actually yeah i was gonna write about this…and prolly still will.

  2. supernik says:

    FIRST!!!!! OMG!!! btw i was wrong on like 5 answers on reg or tranny! i heard this story on the radio this morning, just freaking brilliant!!

  3. supernik says:

    dang it!!! i was first then it got stolen away as i was so excited! the radio station today actually said that jamie lynn was actually or is actually writing a parenting book, i bet thats a good read!!!

    • Kevin says:

      Parenting advice from a 16 year old girl would be awesome

      • De Lyn says:

        It’s actually Lynne who was/is writing the book. I hear the publishing company is rethinking their decision. LOL

      • Branwyn says:

        AND I just read that Lyn Spears had written a book on parenting!?!?!? Puh-Leeze! Someone needs to knock those rose colored glasses off of her heavily made up, fake tanned face.

  4. Douleur says:

    I was wondering when they were going to start doing teen pregnancies on Nickelodeon. Now all the little pre-teens will follow suit.

  5. John--Softball Stud says:

    You sure Kevin Federline wasn’t the father? Pa-pa-zow

  6. Katie says:

    Good God people. Can the Spears family just not be reproducing for one year? I thought yesterday was probably a trick question. But the one that looked like Foxy Brown was tricky. Wait, does that mean Foxy Brown is packing?

  7. Harry Paratestickles says:

    Every year I go through a catharsis of sorts when it comes to celebrity child rearing. Something appears on the news where I think to myself, “Finally. No one can ever do a worse job of mothering than them.” Then, something like this comes along and it completely destroys that safety net. First, Sharon Osbourne. Then, Kathy Hilton. Then, Dina Lohan. And now Lynnie Poo.

    When will the cycle end? Is there nothing sacred anymore?

    Commentor’s note: Please save this for next year when we find out Dakota Fanning is on crack and posed nude on some Filipino candy wrapper so that I can just fill in a new name and not have to go through the trouble of actually looking up their names.

    P.S. I missed yesterday, but I would have said tranny to all of them. Not because I think all of them look like men. (Because honestly, I would have totally hooked up with a couple of them and pretended “the bump” pressing against my leg was a giant clitoris.) But because I know the way your mind works.

  8. Sophia Sturges says:

    You would make a good dad.

  9. debbie says:

    I heard this family was a tad warpt from the get go. Can we not get entertainment w/o the BS. For someone so young is it peer pressure boredom or just plain stupidity.(parenting inc. here) Or better yet do they suck that bad (the entertainers)unless they’re on some thing or boozing it up. Brit from what i’ve seen or heard through the grapevines of the news… does not deserve having any children let alone babysit others. It would take an awful lot of convincing otherwise. GROW UP PEOPLE

  10. Kelly says:

    Good gawd! You would think that if her daughters were her “cash cows” that she’d be holding them prisoner so nothing like this would happen?

    Well there’s still time to start grooming her grand chil’rens for pop status…

  11. debbie says:

    I got a question: Is granny Lynn related to Loretta Lynn? For some reason they resymbol each other. hmmm some thing for you to gt a scoop on. heaheahea

  12. Josh says:

    I’m oddly happy I didn’t get yesterdays questions right; that could mean a few things…

  13. merri says:

    LOL my friend told me last nite that she was pregnant. we were looking at the magazines in the check out line it seemed every celeb is popping out a baby. he said britneys little sister is pregnant and i said no! shes only 16 or so! but yup… doesnt matter how rich you get, you cant take the white trash out of people :( at least all the pregnant girls at my high school had an excuse. they werent rich and famous. oh well.

  14. DJ Inphinity says:

    yes, every celeb is popping out a baby… 2008 will be a year for celebrity babies…

  15. The Muse says:

    You know, when I first saw this story yesterday the first person I thought of was you Kevin! ;^) I just knew this was good blog fodder.

    Mom Spears acted like she didn’t even know Jaimie Lynn was having sex! I guess Britney has been a little distracting lately.

  16. Matty says:

    Man, you and I are on the same page since I wrote about it as well. The Spears family is absolutely priceless and should have their own exhibit in Epcot Centers “Land of Today”

  17. Em Em says:

    Wow, I guess Dina Lohan will have to settle for second place. I don’t think she’ll mind too much though, she’s lost in a sea of blow somewhere.

  18. Trice says:

    Somebody is going to jail!
    Or maybe not, this is Hollywood we are talking about!

  19. David says:

    What is the law on this? (Being a male, I should know this one.)I think it would be best if mini-Britney places a call to Doctor Dig-it-outta-me.

  20. Cigar smoking beer drinking lawyer says:

    As to the issue to statutory rape. That will ver greatly from state to state. many states have adopted a years apart requirement.
    In my state – 14 and under is illegal. 14-16 the sex partner has to be 2 years or less than the child. – i.e. she is 15 and he is 17, it is not S.R. becuase tbey are within 2 years or each other.
    16 and older is legal, unless you are in a position of authority over the child (school teacher, priest and the like), then 18 is the legal age.

  21. Jim says:

    You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. LOL

  22. mcfuknrad says:

    i have three reasons why i support human consumption of rat poison. and they all involve the name spears.

  23. Melissa says:

    oooh…does this make Michael Lohan the Celebrity Father of the Year?

  24. patrick says:

    I had to laugh when I saw this headline today: “Lynne Spears’ book delayed indefinitely…Spears’ book about parenting has been delayed indefinitely, her publisher said Wednesday…Spears had been working…since March on the memoir chronicling Spears’ experiences raising a family in the public eye.” And it was a Christian publisher, so I’m wondering why of all the families in all the world, they pick this one. I suspect they intend to play up the worst-case scenario angle.

  25. Missygail says:

    Yay! This is just lovely. My children watch that Zoey 101… I was so hoping for the young Spears to make it better than her sister. You know become a real professional actor or something to that effect. Children are seriously running out of actual role models you want them to emulate!

    Here’s a picture of the two happy parents…
    Jamie Lynn and Casey Aldridge

    Casey looks like a real tool and it looks as if he’s thinking, ‘yeah I hit that!’

    I just hope the younger Spears proves to be a better mom than big sister. Yay, we are all going to hell and Hollywood is going FIRST!

  26. Alicia says:

    I’m trying to figure out why this story shocked me. After reading your blog it’s pretty clear…

  27. angela says:

    Jamie Lynn: Momma, I don’t feel like no book learnin’ tonight.

    that made me laugh

    I hear Jamie Lynn was already shacking up with her boyfriend. Momma had to have been cool with that.

  28. ShannaBanana says:

    Sad thing is, she will turn out just like her sister. People wonder why marriage is a covent deal and yet the turn a blank face when it comes to priorities. Yet the world will never know why….some people are actually intrested in them folks…la, la, la,…

  29. Lacey says:

    I guess Lynne just got too distracted with Britney to worry about poor little Jamie Lynn. I laughed when I found this out. Apparently, they didn’t screw up with the older brother though. The parents screwed up with Brit and Jamie Lynn, but the older brother hasn’t done wrong that I’ve heard of. I think Jamie Lynn just competing with Britney lol.

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