(For the first couple years of my blog I had a running bit called, “Parade Magazine’s Questions Answered.” I tackled the questions out of Parade Magazine, you know the crappy insert that comes with the Sunday paper. The questions in the front cover are some of the dumbest questions on the face of the earth as well as total plants by publicists to promote new projects. Here I give my take and my answers to the questions.)
Q. You always put Jennifer Lopez down in your column. Is it because she’s talented, beautiful and successful?
-Onesimo Martinez, Asherton, Tex.
A: I have said it before and I will say it again, Parade Magazine is blatantly racist. When they did the hottest actresses under 25 every single actress that they listed was white. In fact I think I remember one time when they were asked who the most influential African American woman was. Did they list Condi Rice or Oprah… nope. They listed Aunt Jemima:
Also I read somewhere that they have “black face friday” at work…. dicks.
Q. America’s greatest stage actress, Helen Hayes, died in 1993 at age 92. But, Googling her, I find no mention of a play after 1971. Why?
-Darlene Waldrep, Huntington Beach, Calif.
A: Because she was over 70 and we all know once someone reaches that age they should be put into a home or euthanized. Whatever keeps them off of the road or writing checks in the fast lane at super markets.
Q. Now that Mikhail Baryshnikov is nearly 60, who, in your opinion, will take his place as the greatest dance star in America?
-B.D., New York, N.Y.
A: Elaine Benes
Q. If the Presidential primary front-runners, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani, are nominated, whom do you think they’ll pick as running mates?
-F.H., Chicago, Ill.
A: I love that people turn to “Personality Parade” to ask their hard hitting questions about politics. If that doesn’t show you how dumb we are as a country I don’t know what does. I want to talk to you directly Mr. F.H. from Chicago. Do you look at this magazine every week and the questions that are in there? What makes you think a guy that offers up answers to “where are they now” and “was so and so in this movie” questions is going to give you correct political analysis?
That is like turning to Ann Coulter and asking for lessons in manners. In fact I have a question about dating, I think I am going to get Chris Matthews on the horn and see what he has to say.
Q. My friend says Talia Shire of the Rocky films plays the caveman’s therapist in that GEICO ad. I say no way. What do you say?
-Larry Phillips, Seneca, S.C.
A: What no bet? Usually when people write in to ask these questions they have something on the line like a steak or dinner… Also it is always the person that is totally wrong that writes in. Of course they are the ones stupid enough to take the bet and get so perturbed that they decide to write into a crappy pretend magazine to get an answer. Yes it is Talia Shire as the therapist in the commercial, she is thought so highly of that they said she was dead in the last Rocky movie. The chick needs to work and she isn’t going to be landing any other major jobs.
Q. People complain about immigrants taking jobs away from us but don’t utter a peep about all the Brits playing Americans on TV, like Hugh Laurie on House. Why do producers hire them?
-Elizabeth Testerman, Grand Prairie, Tex.
A: I don’t even know where to start with this one. I have sat here for the last five minutes wiping the drool off of my chin because my IQ may have just dropped at least ten points. I don’t know if this question is just dumb or just kind of offensive, is Elizabeth really up in arms that Brits are playing Americans? It is called acting right? If you follow her train of logic Alex Baldwin and Jack Nicholson shouldn’t have been in the Departed because they weren’t from Boston. Aren’t they taking the jobs of Massachusetts actors everywhere?
Also isn’t this narrow sited argument usually based around illegal immigration not immigrants in general. Now nobody from outside this country is allowed to take a job? I guess we need to get rid of all those Canadians and Europeans playing in the NHL and don’t forget all those guys from Latin America playing Baseball. They are taking jobs from American athletes after all…. blech.
The answer Parade gave was equally stupid, citing that British actors work for less than American actors. Top American stars demand more than $1 million dollars per episode. Which while true that price range is usually reserved for an established star leaving the big screen for television or for a highly successful show. So their answer really doesn’t fit for this… But why not add to the hysteria of immigrant labor by throwing the “people from other countries take our jobs because they work cheaper” jab in there.
God I hate Parade Magazine. Okay, time for me to hope in the shower my Mexican cleaning lady is coming over. Talk about a deal, she is doing the job for $50 less a week than any American would.
This is being co-posted on humor-blogs.com