Preggo My Eggo – Part 3 – Are you Down with the Sickness?
I can pinpoint down to the nanosecond when my wife began to experience “morning sickness.” It was the week after we found out that one of my boys had gotten all up in her izzegg and we were on vacation in Cancun. We were out walking the town and got hungry. We stopped in at an Italian restaurant (that’s right, we ate Italian food in Mexico. Don’t judge me.) and Mrs. Donk proceeded to do what she does best: Carbo Load on a heaping plate of Fettuccini Alfredo. When she was about three quarters of the way through, her already albino face drained of its remaining color until I could almost make out the dainty outline of her skull.
“I don’t feel so good. I think I might pass out.”
Supportive as always, I offered the following advice, “Well, if you’re going to be sick, please don’t puke on the table.”
She scurried off to the bathroom, where she splashed some water on her face and composed herself. She never actually threw up. Needless to say, although we had three days left in Cancun, that was the official end of our vacation. We spent the rest of it holed up in our hotel room, or, when she was feeling really brave, down by the pool. And so began the, shall we say, “Green” period of Mrs. Donk’s pregnancy. Here are some wacky tidbits that no one tells you about morning sickness:
- Many women feel sick without ever actually throwing anything up.
My wife never actually puked, but she sure as hell felt like it. My personal favorites were the mornings where I would awaken to the sweet sound of her gagging and dry heaving while taking a shower or brushing her teeth. It made for a great alarm clock: I challenge anyone to fall back asleep after hearing someone retch repeatedly.
- Morning sickness happens in the morning.
In the movies and on TV, we see a pregnant woman kneeling over a bowl in the morning. She vomits, and then “presto,” like magic she feels better and goes on with the rest of her day. Ummm, not so much in real life. Mrs. Donk felt ill pretty much all of the time, with her worst bouts of nausea coming in the afternoon and evening.
- It’s a first trimester thing.
Hell to the nizzo. My wife suffered symptoms all the way into week 18, and I’ve since talked to women who felt sick the entire nine months.
- Insurance companies care about pregnant women.
We pay thousands of dollars a year in premiums, surely Insurance companies will look out for us when we are under the weather, right? Right? Anyone? That’s correct, they could give a fuck less. Mrs. Donk’s doctor prescribed her some excellent anti-nausea medication that really helped her get through the day. The cruel joke? Her insurance company would only cover NINE PILLS every fifteen days. And since the pills were supposed to be taken twice a day, this essentially meant that our friendly insurance company was willing to make sure she got a four day supply of the pills she needed. The result: my wife had to “ration” the pills so that she could make them last longer, and whenever she ran out before her insurance company would cover the next round I ended up spending (I wish to Christ I was making this up) $250 for five of the GENERIC brand of pills. I think we ended up shelling out over $1,000. But we don’t need health care reform in this country or anything…
Anyway, in the end Mrs. Donk’s “morning sickness” cleared up and she was finally able to enjoy her pregnancy. Well, at least until her feet swelled up to the size of catcher’s mitts and Fetus Donk was big enough to start playing her ribs like a xylophone with his feet.
