Archive for December, 2007

Keira Knightley and I Finally Meet Face to Face

On my layover in Atlanta I was starving and had to find a place to eat. The Atlanta airport is so huge that there are numerous options, the only problem was because of the holiday traffic most places had long waits which I didn’t have time for. I swallowed my pride and decided that the Quiznos was looking pretty good and it wasn’t super ridiculously over priced like most airport fare. By the way, which pricing is worse? Airport prices or prices on rest stops on toll roads like the thruway in New York? How is this total price raping even acceptable? You should never have to pay $9.00 for McDonald’s under any circumstances…ever.

Back to the story, I got into the long ass line and began to check my e-mail via my phone. It wasn’t like I was expecting an important message or anything; I just felt that it made me look like a mover and shaker even though I was looking at Viagra ads and home refinancing options. As the line moved I looked up to see the girl in line ahead of me, she was rather thin, wearing fashionable close, and I had a feeling that she was rather attractive. She turned her head slightly to reveal a high cheekbone faced that looked like…. Keira Knightley.

keira knightleyI began to freak out, could it really be her? Why would she be eating Quiznos? Why would she be in the Atlanta airport alone? How come nobody else noticed her? How do I explain to her that I wrote a blog about wanting to get a date with her so it could end with me giving her the shocker? Would it be wrong to grab her and make out with her on the chip rack?

These questions flooded me at once. And I answered them in my head because that is just how I work.

Could it really be her? Sure I have seen numerous famous people on regular flights and hanging out in airports before, not every celebrity has a private jet even though we like to think that. Plus she can’t be that loaded, her recent run at the box office has been pretty bad and she has resorted to returning to artsy English movies. Maybe she will be on my flight and we can join the mile high club? Or even get a quick handie in the galley, although her boney hands might just bring pain.

Why would she be eating Quiznos? She is from England where the food is shit, she doesn’t know any better.

Why would she be in the Atlanta Airport alone? Not everyone has an entourage; maybe she is on her way back to England for the holidays and her staff is in LA or something. Or maybe she is preparing to do a movie and wants to examine how the other half lives… However, I think it boils down to her just stalking me. That crazy little bitch.

How come nobody else noticed her? Well it is Atlanta, unless she was a dog murder nobody down here cares. Honestly if I ever see a “Free Mike Vick” t-shirt again I am beating that person to death because they are too stupid to live. Note to African American’s: if you want to support a cause of injustice that directly impacts society and your race why don’t you wear a “Free the Jena 6” shirt, you know the real victims of injustice. (Wow didn’t mean to take a serious turn there.)

How do I explain to her that I wrote a blog about wanting to get a date with her so it could end with me giving her the shocker? I don’t think I need to tell her, you know one of her publicist’s googled her name and found it one day. They thought about setting us up on a date but then thought better of it as they didn’t want her coming back saying, “He put two in the pink and one in the stink, that bugger.” (All English people say bugger, right?)

Would it be wrong to grab her and make out with her on the chip rack? No, nothing would be hotter than a bag of salt n vinegar chips getting shoved where the sun doesn’t shine, plus women love this type of spontaneous romantic shit. Of course some might not find this spontaneous or romantic and would possibly consider it sexual assault; I don’t need another strike on my record.

Finally, after answering all these questions in my head her cell phone rang. When she answered it, she turned fully my way and revealed herself to not be Keira Knightley. My dreams of a chip rack make out session were ruined, so I just went back to reading the e-mail on my phone and dreaming of what could have been.

Is making out on a chip rack in line tacky?

This is being cross posted at humor-blogs.com

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    I am now officially back in Buffalo after an overnight flight. Just wanted to thank everyone that read and commented on my shit while I was out of town and without a computer. A whole week without the internet except for two trips to Kinkos to send some important stuff off, I almost feel like I was on Survivor.

    Anyways the whole point of this post is to let you know that I am alive and that I officially am the ultimate celebrity magnet.  On my flight home from France earlier in the year I had acting legend Dolph Lundgren on my flight, which I documented with my fabulous photo taking skills here.

    Last night I took a step further down the celebrity evolutionary ladder as I had the former lead singer of Warrant  on my flight Janie Lane.

    janie_lane

    Yes you all can be madly jealous of me… I understand.

    Anyways it was good to see my nephew and I have some stories upcoming, I went on a writing binge a bit while I was home. I have to say the highlight of the entire week was playing, “Pakistani Presidential Election” with his nerf guns.  (wait is it too soon?) The goal is to knock off your opponent before the general election while not losing control of your country, it is educational and fun.

    I will be back Monday with stories of my exploits… and I am thinking of doing stripper week… Just like I did hooker week… it is like shark week but only cooler…

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  • Ok We Need To Come To An Agreement On This

    Often times in life we come to a crossroads where we aren’t sure what path to take. When you reach this point you need to reach out to your friends and have them help guide you. Today I have reached one of these crossroads and I am reaching out to the fine people that read this crap to help determine my choice.

    What is the dilemma I am facing?

    Is it a career choice? Relationship advice? School issues?

    Nope, none of these.

    I need your help to determine if I like Justin Timberlake or not.

    Timberlake

    Usually I can come to snap judgment about a celebrity and be fine with it. However with Timberlake I can’t get a read on him. Sure I will go an entire lifetime with buying on his albums as I can take or leave his music but he just seems like a halfway decent dude.

    Sometimes I see him and think that he is a really cool dude. Ultra smooth with a major pimp hand, he seems like he has his shit together and can be a model for hipness for years to come. Then there are other times when I look at him and think that he is just the chorus dork that got popular all of a sudden. I’ve seen him interviewed and couldn’t get the thought out of my mind that he is the biggest geek on the face of the earth.

    I asked my friend Amy what she thought about Justin. She replied, “I would suffocate him to death by sitting on his face. He is so damn sexy.” This statement confuses me. Is this a ringing endorsement or a secret death wish for Timberlake?

    With each positive thing you can say out JT there is a negative.

    Positive: Slept with some of the hottest women on the face of the earth.

    Negative: Was in a boy band.

    Positive: Starred in the SNL Short ‘Dick in a Box‘.

    Negative: Starred in ‘Alpha Dog’ which was god awful.

    Positive: He made “Cry Me A River” which was an pretty public slam on his former girlfriend Britney Spears.

    Negative: He dated Britney for years, which means he actually had to talk to her… how smart can he be?

    It is impossible to figure out this guy…

    So I am asking you the fine readers of my blog to help develop our stance on Justin Timberlake, make your case for or against him…. 

    This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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  • My Favorite Posts From 2007

    This is one of those lazy compilation blogs so I really don’t have to write anything new. I decided to go through and pick out some of my favorite posts from the year.

    January- Altoids: Sign of a whore or a breath freshener

    Any time I can drop a Ghostbusters reference and the word “whore” in the same blog it is something special.

    February- How to get the romance back in your love life

    I really think I make a step in the right direction here guiding young lover.

    March- I’m in Love

    This was a parody of a blog written by a popular female blogger on MySpace. I don’t get why people put their personal love life out there in a blog because it only blow up in your face.

    April- I’ll take the(rapists) for 1000 Alex

    A little story about my attendance at a rape awareness production for my English class, it might be one of the five most uncomfortable moments in my life.

    May- I am totally over this Madeleine McCann Thing

    This one may have set the record for the most hate mail left in my comments ever.

    June- Ladies don’t listen to yahoo for relationship advice

    Yahoo relationship blog has slowly become the new Cosmo.

    July- The 4 Most Uncomfortable Movies to Watch With Your Family

    I needed a pop culture post somewhere in this list.

    August- How I almost blinded and killed myself in the shower

    Me in pain and looking like a jackass is always funny.

    September-Little Debbie Zebra Cakes = Crack to a Nine Year Old

    The length kids will go to for a tasty snack.

    I know there are a few more months in a year but those were all so recent I am going to stop at September. Hey I am technically on vacation what the hell do you want from me?

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  • What I can look forward to this Christmas Eve?

    The anticipation of Christmas weighs on me. How many pairs of socks will I get tomorrow?

    Tonight is my families Christmas party, where I see Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, and their families.  Last year my Cousin’s Wife informed me she was heavily disappointed in my blog after reading it for the first time. In fact I think the word “smut” got thrown around. Otherwise it is a pretty enjoyable time.

    I can’t wait to see what happens this year.

    I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas… and may you not be called a smut peddler.

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  • Drunken Mistakes Volume 16: The Christmas Party Threesome

    So I leave this afternoon to return to California for the Christmas break. Just a quick programming note for all the people that read me from MySpace, over the next week I am not going to be linking to my posts on MySpace like I usually do. Sign up for the RSS feed up top or sign up via e-mail on the right hand side if you want to get updates. If not, you all know what time I post at this point just come to the page.

    In a past drunken mistake blog I talked about my awkwardness and how I turned down a threesome on spring break because I was too dumb to know what they were talking about. At the end of the blog I dropped a reference that I things came together for me finally at a company Christmas party. This blog is that story and I guess my Christmas gift to you. (How this is a Christmas gift I have no idea.)

    This story is basically a combination of happenstance, sheer luck, and being at the right place at the right time…. Oh and working with girls with a very casual moral attitude. As I have talked about before, I worked for Staples while in college. My co-workers were all young, mostly in college, and big time drinkers, so we always had a ton of fun together. One year our store won a lot of district contests and we ended up with a rather large amount of money to throw a pretty large Christmas party at a hotel. The party was being catered by a restaurant that was next to work where a few of my friends and I drank. We asked to get our favorite bartender assigned to it and pretty much selected the alcohol. The night before the party my friend Dennis and I were going to Boston to watch a hockey game, go out on the town, and then head back to Albany for the party the next day. The weekend was shaping up as something pretty sweet.

    Around this time at work I had been hooking up with this girl named Loretta that I worked with. Loretta was going to college in the area and our seduction dance was stuff legends are made of. In fact I think it makes the ‘Notebook’ look heartless. We both would occasionally flirt with each other at work, but that wasn’t really significant as everyone there flirted with everyone else. I didn’t really think much of it until one night we were closing the store and stocking the shelves and had this deep and meaningful conversation.

    Me: I can’t wait to get out of here.

    Her: (out of nowhere) I was told I gave the best blow job in high school.

    Me: What by the entire football team?

    Her: No…

    Me: Eh, every girl says that, most guys just give them compliments because they want more blow jobs. It really isn’t rocket science.

    Her: Well why don’t you come over after work and find out?

    Obviously it was my indepth criticism of how males compliment females that made her swoon, or maybe it was the football player joke. Anyways, we started hooking up occasionally after work. Here is a quick little side note about Loretta and how stable she was.

    (Side Note: Loretta had a boyfriend that was going to school outside of the area while this was going on. At one point she told me she wanted to get serious with me and I pointed out that she already had a boyfriend so adding a second would be slightly redundant. She then got mad at me and slept with a guy that had to be at least 45 years old that we worked with out of spite and to make me jealous. It didn’t work, and a few weeks later she found out that she was pregnant by either the 45 year old guy or her boyfriend. She dropped out of school, left work and nobody has heard from her since…)

    Back to the party, Dennis and I decided that we should each get a room at the hotel the party was at because we liked to drink… a lot. We figured it was a good way to avoid a DUI and allow us to drink up all the tasty alcohol we requested. We arrived to the party from Boston while they were setting up, our favorite bartender allowed us in and gave us a beer (or ten) as she set up the bar for the party. By the time the party started we were actually pretty soused.

    As the party progressed I was drunk enough to dance, which means that I am probably four drinks away from blacking out completely. While on the dance floor I started flirting with another girl that I worked with who ended up being female roommate number 4 in my life. She had a boyfriend that was in school in Iowa, at this point in the night she was pretty tipsy and dancing with me. We headed back to the table that we all were sitting at through the dinner portion of the night and Loretta was already there along with a few other co-workers. Someone made a comment about the amount of alcohol that someone was drinking. I chimed in saying, “Thank god I got a room, I don’t even have to worry about it.” Loretta and future female roommate number 4 chimed in saying that they both were too drunk to drive and wanted to stay in my room. I informed them that I only had one bed and was not planning on sleeping on the floor. They both replied that it wouldn’t be a problem and everyone else at the table just oooh’d.

    I was so drunk that I didn’t even catch on, I was just worried about getting a good nights sleep.

    After the party ended we all ended up in my friend Dennis’s room for an after party where we were going to have a few more drinks. I headed to the bathroom and Loretta jumped up to follow behind me, grabbing me and kissing me once I entered the bathroom. Shortly there after the other girl walked into the bathroom stating that she didn’t want to be left out. At that point it finally registered in my head what was about to take place as we headed off to my room for the night.

    I am not going to go into details past here because this isn’t penthouse forum. But I think the post script is important to talk about. The next day I had to work at like 10 or 11 am. I stumbled into work from the night before and was quickly called into the manager’s office. Apparently everyone at work knew this was going to go on or went on or they just figured it out. He wanted to talk to me to make sure that there wasn’t going to be any problems, and secondly how was it? What transpired is one of the most awkward conversations of my entire life as I got grilled by a 40 year old married man about what transpired with three of his employees the night before for close to half an hour in detail.

    After I left the office I went out onto the floor where I ran into one of the girls from the night before, in what had to be the most awkward morning hello ever. The “wow I was drunk last night” line was used by us for the entire day. There there was the girl that worked in the copy center that had repeatability thrown herself at me. She was so pissed off at what happened the previous night that she scowled at me.

    Finally after making it through the day at work future female roommate number 4 and I had a talk which led to us eventually dating for like two weeks. But apparently a relationship that started with a threesome is doomed to fail, I think I read that in a Dr. Phil book or something.

    What was your favorite Holiday Party?

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