The Underbelly of Humanity aka Adultfriendfinder.com
The dating saga continues…. After not finding anyone that I liked off of Craigslist.com or in real life I decided to turn towards the internet yet again. This time I put up profiles on Match.com and Adultfriendfinder.com, to mixed results.
Now for those of you that don’t know adultfriendfinder.com is basically a website for people looking to … well as the kids say it, “bang”. I set my profile up on there just like I did on the other websites, basically a copy of my about page. This set me apart from all the other guys on the site who basically talked about their cock sizes and how they wanted to split a lady into two. One of the side problems of this is that my profile was so different, so I had guys sending me messages saying things like, “I don’t hit on guys or anything so don’t get the wrong idea. But your profile was one of the funniest things I have ever seen on here.”
While I appreciate these kind words when it is coming from profile with an avatar of his dick it kind of loses all meaning. In fact it made me fear opening my inbox on there. Praise is all well and good but when you have to look at another man’s junk to get it, well I would rather go on wondering if anyone thought it was funny.
The good thing about adultfriendfinder.com is that there is a shit load of nude pictures, of course you usually can’t put a face with these nude pictures so you have no idea what you are going to get. I was on the site for a few weeks and really didn’t approach anyone because I was mostly disgusted by what I was seeing on there. To be bluntly honest, all the good looking women were hookers or fake websites and all the rest were girls that had um… “a glandular problem”.
One day I received a message from someone on there that threw some quotes at me from the Simpsons. We exchanged messages for a few days and then decided to get a quick bite to eat together. Since I was new to Buffalo this person volunteered to pick me up, which I was a little leery of but decided why the hell not.
Now the only picture on their profile was of an upper torso and breasts. While they were nice, I figured that the personality aspect really kind of made this a decent choice. Little did I know that I should have asked some more qualifying questions…. like are your crippled or possibly severely deformed?
When we got to the restaurant my “date” got of the car and walked liked Quasimodo half bent over. One of her legs was severely longer than the other, giving her a very interesting gait. We went into the restaurant and ate, while the conversation was good all I could think about was that she was freaking me out a little bit. Then I started to question if it made me totally shallow that I couldn’t date someone that walked like Yoda? Shouldn’t the chemistry and the personality outweigh the looks, or does there need to be some base level of attraction?
The chemistry angle kind of went out the window when I asked her about her experiences on the website, basically she was a massive cum dumpster for any guy looking to get their freak on. And if there was no available guy when she wanted one she made sure to get on her webcam and give some of her friends across the world a good show. When your date ends a paragraph with, “It is so damn hard to type with one hand”…. well you tend to feel a little uncomfortable.
She then changed the topic of conversation to what was going to go on between us.
Her: You know what, I don’t get a sense that THIS is going to happen tonight.
Me: What do you mean this?
Her: You and me fucking.
I tried to explain that while I was flattered I wasn’t really a first date sex kind of guy. (Ok, maybe that was a white lie.) And that since this was two days after my car accident I should probably take it easy, so there would be no boom-boom for kev-kev. We talked for a couple of more minutes and then headed back to her car. When we got to my house I thanked her for picking me up, she them informed me that she was a licensed physical therapist and would love to give me a massage followed by blow job.
I pondered this for about 2 seconds, but all I could think about was her hovering over my bed like:
I promptly went inside and deleted my adultfriendfinder.com account…
What is the best lie you have told to get out of sex?
This is going up on humor-blogs.com
to paraphrase dave attell: they say she’s retarded, but them titties ain’t retarded.
substitute “retarded” for “crippled” when you read that, as there’s really no discernable difference between the two.
“What is the best lie you have told to get out of sex?” Huh? Wah? I am confused. Did you mean the best lie to have sex?
Actaully, I have told a few - my back hurts, I’m marred and it would be fair to her.
Have you tried Nerve.Com?
I can see you on Nerve before adultfriendfinder
http://www.nerve.com/login/LaunchPad.asp
You could have pretended that the hump was some kind of larger, third breast, or something. Surely then you would have humped this hump-backed harpy.
Best lie to get out of sex - I have diarrhea, and I didn’t want to get her bed dirty :)!
“What is the best lie you have told to get out of sex?†How about “Gosh, we’ll I’d love to, but I find myself think about your dad every time we have sex. Weird, right?”
I’ve never llied to get out of sex… I find “don’t fucking touch me you tool” works quite well for me.
haha…
Ok, the quasimoto picture at the end made me spit my coffee! kinda gave me a better mental image of this chick.
So sorry about your luck kev! Maybe you should take out an ad on eharmony next and prove that site is also a load of BS
Ha, have you not seen newbienudes.com? It’s like adultfriendfinder.com, but worse, if that’s at all possible…
I’m sure you can do the phone call thing to get out of sex or a bad date, just have a friend call and pretend it’s an emergency! =)
Sick and wrong, but funny. I’ve always noticed if people avoid showing their whole face, or body in a picture, they are hiding it for reason.
I’m glad to see you have standards, Kevin.
And “cum dumpster” always makes me laugh!
Too funny…. I can’t imagine being on either side of that date : )
quasimoto has been a running theme in blogs the past two weeks. what does it mean? should i be going out and looking for a midget who rings bells to hump? i’m just sayin’.
HAha good one kev! Seriously ALWAYS beware of picture profiles of breasts/torso and no face. It can never be good.
Open flesh wound on the penis, then she wanted to see it. Left me with the dilemma of which would be more painful, actually having sex with her or taking a straight razor across my manhood and hoping not to give myself a poor mans vasectomy.
Ha - I don’t need a lie to get out of sex. I’m a woman, all I have to say is I have a headache or “woman’s problems” and men KNOW that sex isn’t happening. Also, from what I can see pretending to be Quasimodo may have to be added to list of ways to get out of sex…
The best lie to get out of sex? Wow. I think that is the only time I tell the truth.
Whatever force could possess an individual to post pictures of their genitalia on the internet is beyond my comprehension…I’m not even a real “modo.” I’m just a “quasi” modo… *SIGH* …I had so much fun on one of those sites for a couple of months. My screen name was “Willfuk4food,” and I messed with some people’s heads in a very big way. I had the most ridiculous profile you could possibly imagine, but it worked like some kind of weird chick magnet. Ironically, I eventually met one of the sweetest, most beautiful, women I have ever known, and I had to warn her: you’ve got too much information in your profile, and there are fucking crazy people up here! I had to explain to her that, with the info she was providing, I could track her down and find her. We both deleted our profiles, and we are together to this very day…That was three years ago…
Women can always use the old stad by of “I have my period” Personally I like more creative excuses like, I’ve come down with a nasty case of halitosis, or I have to polish my iguana.
How dare you! This is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of! Have you no feelings for the person who picked you up? Have you never thought of the millions of people you are messing with?
(Cracks up laughing…)
Sorry…I can’t go on anylonger…That is just too funny!
When are you going to go back to jail romances?
Lie to get out of sex. Wouldn’t the number one for any female be I got the dot?
Fortunately I don’t have to worry about this because I am far to straight forward when it comes to dealing with men. I will not do the fat, ugly, or deformed. Maybe that is rude of me, but seriously you can not bump uglies with someone you really find ugly. Everyone has their taste and gross dudes are not mine.
I am proud of you though for not taking the bj offer from someone you are not interested in, perhaps this means not all men are sluts. Good job way to set me straight
All I can say is the one online “dating” experience I’ve ever had was a giant mistake. Long story. I’m just guessing that a large number of people on these dating sites are never really what they portray. #1 rule, if they “can’t” give you a picture (I don’t have a scanner/digital camera, etc…) then they’re probably not very attractive. I think you’ll have better luck on match.com but then again you never know. The sites like AFF are just a disaster waiting to happen. Unless you’re a cum dumpster.
KEV! I’m not going to lie man, way to go on the booty no-no! Thank god you didn’t mingle nasties w/said sideshow abbhoration.I just simply couldn’t wrap my mind around humping something that appeared to be an exact remake of a lovable Disney character. Too weird…
Best lie to get out of ass…
“I’m sorry, not tonight. I just am not looking forward to having to put more salve on in the morning, plus i don’t think you’d like this kinda itch…”
The fake VD always seems to work out!
you’re so going to hell
i haven’t had to lie, my best way I ever got out of sex was I looked at the guys dingy (which is appropriate since it was no bigger than my pinky finger) and laughed. Needless to say, it went soft, disappeared, and so did he.
This is the funniest story you’ve posted in a very long time. Just…wow.
This was really funny. Stay single so we can keep reading about your dates.
hi i like u do u like me
lol!!! holy cow totally had this experience twice~~~ i never learn!! okay the first one his pix are totally normal and everything then turns out when we meet he weighs like 3-400 pounds~~ i felt totally shallow to not want anything to do with him, good thing i had to pick the kids up. then the other one we never actually got to the meeting part, we talked alot then it turned out he was wheelchair based, im a young energetic mother i need someone who can chase the little shits (and me sometimes) sorry, then he goes you dont seem like the type that this would effect, WRONG!! lol if you want a lot of fun there is a free one it is: (all one word) plenty of fish (dot) com. tons of weirdos on that one trust me!! you look hot compaired to some of them
“I’m too drunk” and i have used the whole i am not first date sex kind of guy before too and lets just say that girls do not like either of them
eeeeewwwww @ cum dumpster. There’s a woman at my workplace who has a profile on either AFF or sinmatch and she insists on regaling anyone who’ll stand still long enough with lurid accounts of her ‘dates’ and how she can’t understand why she never sees them again. I think I need to tell her she’s just a cum dumpster.
I wouldn’t even try eHarmony, I think they may reject you.
I think newly paroled felons may be the way to go - or did you try that route already?
You didn’t take her pic and pimp her out on Craigslist? Where is your entreprenurial spirit? Give her a 40/60 split. $20 a pop can add up, man.
This is very enjoyable read. May be should name it: A Horny Adventure. You are so brave!
Had you try sugardady.com?
Try closing your eyes and singing some Sinatra, it makes a lot of things slightly better.
So my ex was on that site- yes while we were dating- and yes I hacked into his email to find that site among many nude pics of whory chicks… yes that’s one of the many reasons he’s my ex… cause I don’t want Herpes and I’m pretty sure everyone on that site has it. I’m so glad to know you met someone from there. Ew.
Sweetie….why do you keep doing this to “us”? You know that I am the only one for you and once we have our first date….there will be no more of these games.
but then again, the things you will have to blog about after that will be HOT!
LOL
xoxo
“Kevin Lover”
ok… The best lie I’ve used to get out of sex?
“Really you are just to young for me, you remind me of my brother and with that it would just be …..icky”
The best lie?
“So, where do you want me to put my cock? In your mouth or up your ass?”
As a woman, I find this response to be pure gold.
CP.
The best lie?
“I have to get up early tomorrow.”
And when that didn’t work I said “Look, I don’t want to make things awkward at work, so please go sit over there” while pointing at another seat.
This wasn’t the type of girl who gives up so easy and I’m not an asshole in public,(I am in the bedroom)so there was only one last resort “Hey, this isn’t happening tonight… maybe some other time.” with an uninterested tone and she got the picture. (This neutralized her attraction for me.)
If I wanted to be a DICK I would have pushed her of my lap and said I didn’t like her, but that is what I do to girls that I do like because they seem to love it.
Oh, I forgot to say that Kevin is the man… mad props.
Also, if I ever had the chance to be a real asshole, I would love to say “So you aren’t a tranny? I could have sworn you were.”
this one made me snort gin straight out my nose.
lying to get out of sex isn’t difficult. if it’s someone you don’t know and will never see again, start mentioning herpes treatments and prevention. if you gotta get heavy handed about it, smearing your mouth with carmex every five minutes works great.
you should be knighted for being hilarious, and then shot for internet dating.
I have seen that site on more than one occasion. You would be surprised if you actually met more than one person from there, some girls ar hot!!! I have noticed that everyone has “something” to hide, or are distracting themselves from dealing with, yet that is also true of match.com.
What’s your “id” on match.com
WOW… that has to be the funniest damn thing I have read in a MINUTE! Internet dating is not recommended… the nice ones are hideous & the good-looking ones are total creeps.
I usually don’t get approached by anyone I haven’t found attractive enough to sleep with but…Since I recently had to move back home…”I think I hear my mom” works fairly well.
I’m on the net.. I’m not hideous…I’m not a creep.. then again Id be hot if I wasn’t knocking lamps over with my ass. I tell people this but they never believe me.
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I actually haven’t lied to get out of sex. I have told the truth, though. It is more effective, and the shock effect is priceless.
“I’m sorry, but I really just don’t want to fuck you.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t think of you in that way.”
“What way is that?”
“You know, hot….sexy….someone I’d like to fuck.”
hi i am looking for some one like u
hi how are u doing
hi i want to make a friend with u
I am not allowed to make retarded jokes anymore
Remakrably I was faced witha similar situation although it didnt come about through adult friend finder it was a my space thing, That was the moment that I realized online dating might not be the best idea, I walk to the car to meet her and everything looked great untill she got out and walked like a monkey. I know it sounds bad but when you are not expecting it, it comes as a real shocker
I know, I flipped the switch as the kids say.
Look at you reject them all.
You are like the third person that has told me about that site.
I am disgusted yet intrigued by this suggestion
If I had a dime for every time I heard that
Oh nice…. I have to save that one
Lmao… that is great.
Guess what website I am going to after work
By the way, nanner’s right. I just use the ol’ Aunt Flow lie to get out of sex.
You’d be a frikken billionaire!
Have I mentioned how much I respect and admire you?
Guys, say it with me, “I respect you too much. I don’t want you to think that I’m using you.” Unless they are looking for just a fuck, chicks* loves this. I once told a guy I was scared he was too big. I think that statement made him cum.
*When I say “chicks”, I mean “feminists”. I live in a hippie town.