Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places: Real Life Sucks
Back to my whole dating experiment thing. After seeing the wretched mess that is craigslist I decided that maybe my pimp hand, which is strong (don’t make me beat you with my shoe), needed to be used.
Now sometimes I have trouble being able to recognize red flags. Like maybe I will start dating a girl that slept with the entire band Incubus, was married to a meth addict that she met while working at a head shop, and she resides in her parents garage with like 5 kids. While everyone else in the world around me is going “what the fuck?” I just have a habit of plugging on because she is either: really good looking or really good in bed. It used to take me months to catch on and wake up, finally asking myself, “what the hell am I thinking?”
As I have aged, very gracefully I might add, my red flag detector has improved slightly. This is a breakdown of how I met a girl and the various red flags that were raised.
(Side note: I actually met a girl that was a cop and she flat out told me she was going to do a background check on me before we went on a date. The creepy meter on that was about 11, I told her I wasn’t interested if she didn’t trust who I was. The story wasn’t good enough for a blog but I figured I would mention it… randomly in a space that makes zero sense to mention it. Mission accomplished.)
How we met: My friend owns a bar where she tends bar. She was good looking and seemed relatively normal.
Positive sign: I called my friend and told him that I got her number and that we were going to go out that week. He was pretty jealous and said that he was going to ask for her number but I beat him to the punch. That validated my taste and I felt kind of accomplished.
So at this point I have met a good looking girl that had a reasonably good personality, my friends were semi-jealous… what could go wrong?
Red Flag One: She had a total inability to have a conversation. This is a sample phone conversation:
Me: Wow, I can’t believe that I got tickets to this concert I am really excited.
Her: My dog is cute.
Me: Oh, um, ok (sensing the change in subject and adapting) so your dog is cute?
Her:The sky is blue.
How can you be a bartender and have no ability to hold a coherent conversation? Or maybe I am just so drunk when I see a bartender I think they have way better conversation skills than they really do.
Red Flag Two: Absolutely zero chemistry
We would meet and go out for a few drinks and there was zero chemistry in the conversation, I was always looking to go to the bathroom or pull my friends aside to talk. She probably thinks I have IBS or something.
Red Flag Three: Someone came up and thanked me for dating her.
One of the people she worked with at the bar had previously dated her. One night the guy walked up to me and bought me a drink thanking me for hanging out with her so he never had to deal with her. First of all I have never been thanked for dating a girl, well except this one girl in high school that looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, her dad thanked me but that is a different story for a different day.
Second, even after a guy dates a girl and sees her with another guy he still feels a twinge of jealousy that she isn’t sitting at home pining over him. When a guy walks up to you and thanks you, well that can’t be a good sign right?
Red Flag Four: She didn’t know what an ipod was.
How is that even possible? It wasn’t that she didn’t own one or didn’t know how to use one, she didn’t even know it existed. What rock do you have live under to not know what an ipod is? I wonder if she knew that we were currently in a war, that Princess Di was dead, or that Britney Spears was a complete mess?
Things kind of just puttered out as I didn’t return phone calls. After a few other dates with other girls I decided maybe I should head back to the internet for a better screening process…. we will leave that for next week.
Question of the day: Are you slow to recognize red flags when dating someone?
this is going up at humor-blogs.com
I can recognize all of the red flags I’ve seen before, but the problem is new ones keep popping up!
Never heard of an iPod? WTF? There are probably remote African tribes who have iPods.
I recently went had a date with someone who didn’t know what a blog was. That lasted about five minutes.
I’m so bad at seeing red flags too. I would have started worrying once someone thanked me for dating the guy, though.
And please tell us the story about the hunchback girl from high school.
I don’t know if I am good or bad at red flags, I never usually get that far. And I am not the best at holding conversations with people I like, but at least I can contribute to the topic at hand, lol.
it took me a long time to realize that a girl thats seeing someone else “exclusively” and still screwing me probably wasnt a keeper.
Also, i’ve noticed i can spot the red flags way better when its not me dating the chick.
when a buddy introduces me to his new girlfriend, within 5 minutes i cant tell you every red flag thats there.
and yet, when its a girl i’m dating, i’m completely fucking clueless.
So you are the guy that broke my sisters heart
Snail’s paced. I don’t see a red flag until the guy is hitting me over the head with it. This explains my ex husband.
The red flags with my ex came about twelve years and three kids too late. I wish I had the 300-400k I lost over the years to her shopping skills…….
i’m the exact opposite when dating someone. i’ll be like, “did you just write an email using the incorrect form of the word ‘to’? it’s over.” seriously, i have a problem.
My best friend is horrible at recognizing red flags. I had to watch as she dated a guy that lived with his “ex” fiance in her parents basement, he drove an ultra cool 80 something Fiero because his “new car crashed”, and it was an ever so cool new car that I’m sure he afforded easily on his mall photographer salary (riiiiiiight). He told everyone she was crazy but called her at 3am whenever his “ex” was at work, and she thought they were not only exclusive, but serious. Yeah, I had to watch that trainwreck for like 8 months.
I hate talking to people who don’t have conversation skills, seriously, how hard is it to relate to a topic? Or at least pretend… I cant say the girl I hooked up with was as bad as “the sky is blue” for instance, but bring up something in a movie and she just replies with a “Yeah”… Hell just tell me you fell asleep with your eyes open or something, holy crap! Prerequistes are now “You should have a brain capable of thinking and speaking on similar topics.” Hm…
Still, good luck brother lol
Red flag? What is a red flag?
Yea, I can very blonde at times. Like how can I have no money in the bank when I still have checks left? I still don’t get that. !
What kind of dog did she have?
My deal breakers are guys with cats.
Now here’s the Kevin that I’ve grown to love, admire and envy (read the previous two and had nothing to offer but THIS one…well, I’ll try not to reply longer then your post itself…)
Seriously, that backround check thingy, it is happening more then you think (maybe not with you) but women of any means (or their parents) do this ~ at least in some circumstances (must of not known your cyber-god status). Consider yourself…what…blessed? that she even told you mentioned it.
As for your beautiful date - with the intelligence of a doorstop - at least you weren’t soooooo blinded by her beauty that you told yourself that conversation doesn’t really matter and it’s just the sex or attraction that count (it happens).
Now to the being thanked department…I HAD to smile at that one mainly because I remember when my ex and I seperated I had occasion to talk with her then boyfriend - now husband and I sort of did the very same thing (it’s been several years since and I STILL get something of a warped thrill at seeing just how miserable HE is with her), so yeah, I can relate to that guy and am telling you that and with that happening to you…that is ALWAYS a sound / solid red flag.
And finally, as for the ipod, she probably has enough voices and shit in her head already what does she need an ipod for?
Have a GREAT weekend!
My last girlfriend told me her name was Andy Dick and that her right hand was her “fisting hand” - on the first date. Should that have been a red flag???
I think we all make mistakes when it comes to dating. I had my fair share of them…
One kind of funny in a pathetic way…
I was dating this guy when I was in college and he lived about 2 1/2 hours away.. no biggie since it was also my hometown.. anyways down for the weekend with my best friend because I wanted her to meet him. We came over to his place and he started eating stuffed pepper that he made. Didn’t offer us any even though there was some left.. then he showed us box of Jelly Belly he got from his mom. We started sorting through them and he got REALLY pissed because we mixed it up. My best was looking at me like.. who is this LOSER.. needlessly to say.. it didn’t work out.
Good luck out there… dating can be fun but mostly a pain in the ass
but so can relationships
I did a spit take on the ipod thing. The rest of the ones where okay but the ipod is a total deal breaker.
I’m not a chick magnet. I’ve never been nor will ever claim to be a chick magnet. That being said, I consider a woman, ANY woman,especially a smoking hot woman half my age, who shows unsolicited interest in me a huge red flag. They turn out to either have a hidden agenda (usually something involving my credit card)or they have a few slides missing from their Powerpoint presentation.
Hey, if you didn’t get sprayed in the face with mace by her at any point of the night, it was a good date. That’s how I judge my dates. All three of them.
Poor Kevin!! Maybe you could get a mail order bride? I hear they have to do whatever you tell them ’cause they’re afraid you’ll return them :-p As for red flags, I wouldn’t say i’m slow at recognizing them, more like one of those hopeful people that ignores them until it’s too damn late! lol
Princess Di’s DEAD?????
I don’t date, I don’t understand your funny little rituals. I’m too busy having hot NSA sex 7-8 times a week with a guy I found on Craigslist……it works just fine for me.
Red flags? I see some, I miss some, meh!
Hey, I’m perfect for you… I haven’t screwed entire band Incubus, though I did screw the lead singer from a local band. My ex-husband was into meth, though I met him in a bar. I didn’t work in a head shop, but I did work for Wal-mart.
I have three kids and I live in my parents remodeled garage. I’m not really good looking, but I am great in bed. I have a good hoover quality…
It’s just too bad we live so far apart. It’s also too bad I have a boyfriend… he hasn’t seen my red flags yet, because I choose to ignore his red flags. He has a few flags of his own.
I’m like, Barney Fife slow… Seriously… I qualified for the Special Olympics based on my last 2 relationships alone…
Too nice for my own good - red flags are a happy shade of pink to me. Eventually they show up at my door at 2a.m. asking for a loan to bail out their evicted mother. What can I say - I am a midwestern girl at heart.
in the words of Jimmy Soul “if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you…. your friends say you have no taste, go ahead and marry anyway… her face is ugly, her eyes don’t match take it from me she’s a better catch.” haha. that last line is my favorite. anyway… i went on a date or two with a guy whos kitchen was filled to the cieling with Y2K supplies. so is life. good luck with the dating world. be a male order groom.
PS: i’d rather kill and eat myself then ever go back to dating.
I didn’t know how to use an Ipod. I am stuck in a world that has no use for them.
I do now though. 
Wow, dude. That’s pretty sad.
Are you really that desperate? Are you really sketchy looking enough to warrant a background check?
Answer: Yes.
I see the red flags but it seems to be my favourite colour.
Want a date? ~chuckles~
i was an idiot in my early twenties…it took me 5 YEARS w/ one guy for my red flag-o-meter to go off.
by the time i got to my late twenties i dated a guy, that, to this day is called “inappropriate gift guy”
within two weeks of dating he had bought me a 150 dollar bonsai tree, a crock pot, and a complete set of bath towels. when my parents came to visit he showed up with flowers for me. AND my mom. typing it out it seems “sweet” or someting. it wasn’t. it was creepy.
turns out he was “separated” but not “divorced”
one of the last times i saw him we were supposed to be going to the movies, but he detoured through this neighborhood. he stopped in front of a house and said “this is where i used to live with my wife and kids”. oh. ok.
then we sat there.
then his “ex” wife pulled up, came accross the street and said “what are you doing here. you know you’re not supposed to come near us or the kids” and then he introduces me.
WTF?
I think I’m pretty good at spotting the red flags although I’ve had some dud dates in my time. I’m more of a screener than a dater though. To my own detriment I think sometimes.
If it helps, I not only know what an iPod is but I have a one of the first Video ones. Does that make up for my bad writing?
Having that guy thank you for dating her totally makes me wonder if anyone has ever thanked any of my dates for dating me. Or maybe I’m just the Hunchback of Notre Dame girl? Wouldn’t that be tragic?
I wear my red flags on my sleeve. Good conversation is relative, isnt it? Maybe she thought you couldnt hold one worth a damn and was in fact bored or reciting haiku.
That said, I don’t know you and I adore your writing.
I am horrible at noticing red flags. I haven’t had to deal with that for at least a year, but when I was dating…yeah…I’d always end up way too far in before realizing I was in deep crap.
i would leave a comment, but you have 42 already, so
i’m not going to…..
I usually miss the signs that they are interested….Unless it’s a total loser …then i five him a ride home and he lives with his parents.
instead….I will just wait for you…let me know when you are ready!
So…basicly what you are saying is that you are male ,straight, but have the same brain as a female when sizing up dates. like if the person is not listening to you, not as educated, and insensitive to your feelings about wanting to talk instead of thinking about sex all the time. Even if she was attractive and could have satisfied all your sexual needs for at least a month, you decided to dump her….
I would have looked at as a project, educate her, mold her mind, while having great sex every day, and then she would think I was so smart, and ….duh? lol Think about what you did because I did that to a girl who was stunning but had a blank look , did not remember her own name she was so boring….however..dumped her.why did I do that she was really hot looking ……I was freaking idiot, what was I thinking? lol hey…do me a favor
because………you are insane?
I will go out with her. Ask her to call me and tell me about her puppy wuppy …I’m serious , tell her please lol .:P
Did you tell him you were going to blog about it and then he just looked on with a clueless look on his face?
I tried to explain what a blog was and he said, “I don’t get it.”
Me dating a guy who doesn’t know what blogging is, is like Elizabeth Taylor dating a guy who doesn’t know what a diamond is. Not going to happen.
I have my standards!
It was totally a joke, I only date a girl with a green booger in her nose for a year straight.
Staying on topic is the first step
What are standards?
by “cant tell you every red flag”, i mean CAN.
i need coffee.
It is always easier to pick the other situation apart when you aren’t in it
It is always my fault
Wait, I thought you fell down the stairs?
lol… I think I’m close to being that bad… I try not to be though.
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“Did you just write an e-mail using the incorrect form of the world ‘to’”