Some Lessons I Learned In Vegas
Last week I attended Blog World Expo in Las Vegas. Instead of talking about all the boring professional stuff here I want to cover the important lessons I took away from my trip.
-When you tap your foot in any airport bathroom it doesn’t automatically get you gay anonymous sex like it does in Minnesota, not that I tried to do it or anything.
-The Latin Grammy Awards were in town and boy was I excited. When I was at Mandalay Bay playing blackjack a star singer walked through the casino attracting a large Hispanic crowd, she stopped at the blackjack table next to mine to sign autographs and pose for pictures. When one of the people at my table asked who it was I replied in a rather loud and drunken voice, “Selena.” Needless to say the throng of Hispanic fans didn’t respond well.
Which teaches me two things:
1) For Hispanics it is still too soon.
2) For White people the Selena reference flew over their head.
-Debating with the manager of a strip club over how poor your last lap dance was is kind of pointless. (Not that it happened, okay maybe it did.)
-I can still rally with the best of them, I didn’t think I had it in me anymore to drink heavily on back to back nights but the kid still has it.
-It might be impossible for fat people with walking canes to walk in a straight line.
-When I turned on the tv I was notified that I could order a movie and it would show up on my hotel bill without the name of the movie. I don’t get that, when porn is like two dollars more than a regular movie isn’t the person at the desk going to still know you were a loser and ordered porn? And since it doesn’t list the name don’t you think they will automatically think the worse? When you went to check out wouldn’t you be compelled to explain what you ordered… “Yeah that ‘Double the Fisting, Double the Pleasure’ movie with all those lesbians was hot!!!!!”
You don’t want them thinking you ordered “Black Cock: Going Down”… Even though that movie is a great takeoff of “Blackhawk Down”, not that I have watched it.
-I saw a Hispanic Midget walking with a hooker, which personally was possibly the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed.
First
“-I saw a Hispanic Midget walking with a hooker, which personally was possibly the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed.”
You can die happy now. I am so jealous
So…when did you have to start using a cane???
Put your fur down, I was JUST kidding!
11 years later and it still is too soon.
Wait, aren’t you white? How do you know about the whole Selena fandango?
I’m white and I got the Selena thing. I’m offended.
You’ve just confirmed the fact that <b<anyone can get laid in Vegas… for a fee.
So what are you saying? The fat people with canes were walking in circles? That would look odd, but funny.
And how exactly was that lap dance “bad”?
I was chuffed then because I got the Selena thing, then I realised it was because I had watched the shit movie about her life. So not something really to be chuffed about after all.
I’m the whitest white girl ever.
and I love Selena!
(can you love a dead person that you never knew existed until AFTER she died?)
probably. i’m sure there’s throngs of Elvis fans that were born around yesterday 2pm.
I surprised myself by drinking nonstop at my first Nascar race a few weeks ago. Quite a prideful moment to realize you can still keep up, don’t you think?
Who the hell let YOU loose in Vegas?
P.S. Where can I get that ‘Black Cock’ movie?
It is still too soon to joke about Selena, Kevin. My aunt still lights candles and prays next to a shrine dedicated to the fallen pop star. Maybe you should consult with us Hispanics before you do such a thing like that again…. bad.
P.S.: How were the hookers?
They don’t list the movie so that business people can expense it without having the entire company know they ordered that Black Cock movie…not that I’ve ever expensed porn…
Lol @ hispanic midget. Hilarious
and you didnt take a picture of the Hispanic midget with the hooker to share?
Ditto the last comment…. No pictures of the midget and the escort?
Hey! Good to see you back.. damn it. I want to see the midget with the hooker pic.. where’s your camera phone when you need it.
and I am curious.. how is a lap dance bad?
Hey! Good to see you back.. damn it. I want to see the midget with the hooker pic.. where’s your camera phone when you need it.
and I am curious.. how is a lap dance bad? I used to go to Scores with a group of my friends and one time, I was SO drunk that I was yelling at the strippers and pulling them off my friend’s boyfriend. I am surprised I didn’t get kicked out.
God I miss my drunken lushy days.
that was funny
I saw the title of this blog and I was nervous. After having read it, I’m almost disappointed that you learned nothing from Thursday night.
Not having the title of the movie is not because of what the front desk person might think, it’s because of what your accountant at home might think when you submit your expense report.
I work at a hotel here in Buffalo. I can tell you that even though the name might not appear on your bill….us night auditors (those that make your bill) know what movie you watched. And yes, we take great pleasure in knowing what you watched.
Wow, I guess it doesn’t take much to amuse me.
Glad you had a good time in Vegas.
I have been wondering about that foot tapping, since Minnesota — has it been like a foot tapping orchestra in mens Johns? You know, not that you pay attention or anything…
You’re killin’ me!
No one does it quiet like you!
And congrats on all your success and may much more come your way!
I so envy your hispanic midget hooker sighting. And omg the Selena comment…I would of been hysterically laughing, tears rolling if I heard that comment! You should of just yelled out, “Selenas!” Plural like in the movie. My friend used to do that for awhile when the movie first came out. Needless to say, he has yet to go out with a hispanic girl or midget for that matter.
It’s early..I don’t know what I’m talking about either.
I actually laughed when you said “Selena”.
You should have taken a picture of that midget and posted it here. I’m sure he and the hooker would be ok with the picture taking.
God I hate being from Minnesota now…All I hear are gay airport sex jokes…The dude was from Idaho…I’m sure there is a joke in there some where…
Also…I just almost choked on my gum when I read that Selena joke…
Because I know everything not important.
I know… everything is downhill from here on out.
If I keep eating wings at the pace I am going I am going to need one.
I don’t know, you could try to find a ginger midget playing soccer, and that might be great?
The fuck you are
But the odds on that are so bad…
Oh. There was this HUGE concert 2 years ago, I think it was the 10th anniversary or something. Of her death, I mean. It was so pointless, but yet I still watched and cried.
No hookers are legal in vegas. I’m a Vegas chick. In vegas they call them ‘escorts’
You gotta go to a neighboring city for that.
And Kev I always miss the times you are in vegas. I’m never there.
“Escorts” are the legal term.
Yes you are, and Kevin, you needed to add an s at the end of Selena.
man its uh kinda hard to post a commnet here so I’m replying to one instead…. Selena? Is she dead? because the explanation clarified NOTHING!
Reading this blog, it’s like I was right there with you, minus the crabs.
Also, haven’t you heard they aren’t called midgets anymore. The current nomenclature is Shetlan people.
You know how there are regular ponies, and then there are Sheltan ponies which are exactly the same, but smaller. This term can be applied to miniture people as well.
There was a lot of shit I should have learned in college but didn’t. Unfortunatly the one thing I’ll always remember was Selena’s life story because my dorm had free HBO or Showtime or some such shit and that fucking movie, starring J Lo, was on my entire freshman year.