"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


I Learned Everything About Private Schools From The Movies

By: Bobby Finstock on 11/5/07 @ 7:25 am

In our lifetimes there are certain experiences that we will never go through. I am not going to be flying an F-16 anytime soon or participate in a gang bang that includes three midgets and a hermaphrodite, the only way that I can form an opinion on some of these experiences is from movies.

Being that I come from meager beginnings I never attended private school. So my entire knowledge of private school is based off of “School Ties”, “Cruel Intentions”, “Dead Poets Society”, and “Scent of a Woman”, because of this these are the conclusions I have drawn.


1) There is always an asshole instructor that wears a beret- Apparently at private school there is always one instructor that wears a beret and is just a total prick. Usually he teaches a foreign language that nobody really cares about like French or god forbid Latin. He is the type of guy that drinks tea with his pinkie out and probably secretly watches “Sex in the City” in women’s underwear… Sure I am taking a shot in the dark with that last statement but you just know he does.

2) There is always a gay dude that is way into poetry because only gay people like poetry- According to these movies if you are gay you like poetry. You don’t like sports, you don’t like history, you don’t like math… you just like poetry and Men’s Health Magazine…. oh and penis.

3) There are no black people or people of any other race anywhere-
Black people apparently don’t go to private school, not even to play sports. In fact black people can’t even work on the staff. I guess private schools have the only all white grounds crew in the world.

4) You have the ability to pull off elaborate pranks with zero regard for time, money, or logic-
You want to have a Peruvian donkey wearing lipstick and perfume in your dean’s office by nightfall, it is no problem! No joke is a problem, when you go to private school apparently they give you entire afternoons off to pull this crap off.

5) If you go to college at Brown you might as well blow your head off- Brown is the like the red headed stepchild for the elite. It is the community college of the Ivy League according to these movies. In fact when Brown offered me a full scholarship for grad school I turned them down and went to Buffalo… Who really wants to go to Brown?

So there you have it, I totally have private school figured out.

What experiences do you form your opinion on based off of movies?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

47 Responses to “I Learned Everything About Private Schools From The Movies”

  1. says:

    I’ve learned pretty much the same things as you….

    Movies have warped my fragile little mind…

  2. says:

    You forgot that in the movies there is only one fat chick in the entire school. The rest are fucking hotties…except for the token dorky one.

  3. says:

    I have learned women REALLY love cum on the face, especially in the eyes. Oh and all woman get hot and bothered while washing cars.

  4. says:

    I have learned that if I want to complete something that would normally take month and months to do, that all I really need is a four minute long montage complete with encouraging 80’s music and a look of determination on my face, and viola. Success.

  5. says:

    I just wrote a blog 3 days ago about what I learned from movies…not as in depth as yours though because…im not a writer…in fact, im barley a high school graduate with too many kids and a crappy job lol


  6. says:

    Bad, or troubled, kids are opertunist heroes; saving the school from kidnapings, terrorists, and/or aliens falls on them andthey rise to the occasion.

  7. says:

    What about Straw Boaters? Or is that only in the UK?

  8. says:

    Points one through four I can say weren’t true of the private school I went to….. then again I live in a country where 5% of the population are white, so 3 never had a chance.

  9. says:

    Well I thought after seeing that awful Bridget Jones Diary that hot eligible bachelors are clamoring to shag dorky clumsy chubbettes. As a 41 year old chubby underachiever I can tell you that is not the case!

  10. says:

    dude, how could you forget the rule of the film “toy soldiers”? You know, the rule that if a group of guys are in a dorm room plotting an attack, at least 3 of them must be wearing tighty whities.

  11. says:

    I have learned from horror movies that if you’re a slut, you are doomed. Heh heh. Good thing I’m not. Believing in horror movies, that is.

  12. says:

    There was one black student at a private school. Check out “Toy Soldiers”. They even had Louis Gosset Junior as the headmaster. That’s one teacher I wouldn’t wanna piss off. Did you see how badass he was in Iron Eagle?

  13. says:

    I learn everything I know from movies…

  14. says:

    you forgot about Dionne in Clueless, she was pretty black…in a preppy kinda way.

    You Brown comment is funny, because I recall being interviewed in college about how I felt when Brown started carrying cyanide capsules in their infirmary in case there was a nuclear holocaust and people wanted to off themselves…maybe they were secretly for a DIFFERENT reason!

  15. says:

    i form all of my opinions based off of movies. is there any other way?

  16. says:

    All I know about fending off an insideous robot invasion, I learned from Will Smith.

    That and the head-bob dance thing he did at the end of Men in Black.

  17. says:

    Damn, that blog was funny. There’s a private school “chain” here in SL, UT that charges $30 grand a year per kid. My brother put his two oldest in that school, but it was too damn expensive. The kids hated it too because they had to wear uniforms too. I never went to a private school, at any time in my life but I have heard some private schools are shit.

  18. says:

    I went to private school all the way through high school. Sadly, no teachers with berets. Not a single one.

    And there’s always a token black kid or two. Just not in the 50s or 60s, apparently (Dead Poets, School Ties).

  19. says:

    hey now….be careful with those red-headed step child comments..I am one!

    But I learned that if you light some candles and say words that rhyme, you can make anything happen.

  20. says:

    There is also a big fat kid in every class who bullies everyone and is extremely white.

  21. says:

    You can’t forget that there is always one professor that is “cool” with the kids and is their “inside man”. He inspires them to over come and be their dreams, *music swells* he gives them purpose and direction and is the only adult that is truly honest with them and who truly cares. *VOMIT*

  22. says:

    And all the women are 29 in real life.
    And the nerd always gets the hot chick in the end.

  23. says:

    I pretty much based my ideas of university on the Buffy series…

  24. says:

    Everyone from the valley is an airhead.
    People get their braces off and contact lenses and are suddenly the hottest person in school.

  25. says:

    Theres always a dorky girl with glasses, that no realises is hot until she takes off her glasses and lets down her hair….

  26. says:

    [...] Stupid Movies → Pointless Banter tells us what Movies have taught us about private schools. [...]

  27. says:

    haha great post. very educational…

    there’s always a resident dork/ugly girl who becomes pretty the moment she removes her glasses…i wish being pretty is that easy in real life :D

    and a misunderstood/scary-looking kid that ends up saving the day somehow…

  28. says:

    I just thought of something…

    The new kid is always so much better than the whole school but noone finds out until the school year (movie) is just about over…

  29. says:

    I think that is a rule of thumb for any movie involving a school. I want to be the new kid.

  30. says:

    That is school wide, not private school… Although you are totally right.

  31. says:

    Sigh… I need to get my car washed…

  32. says:

    That is a great rule of thumb… I need to apply that to cleaning and packing for vegas.

  33. says:

    Damn it… I can’t think of anything original

  34. says:

    hey, i said yours were better then mine….i give you much credit..

  35. says:

    We should never count out the bad kids

  36. says:

    What the hell is a straw boater?

  37. says:

    Nice twist at the end there

  38. says:

    Well… well… did the silver spoon fall out of your mouth when you wrote that?

  39. says:

    Those lying bastards

  40. says:

    I refuse to acknowledge any movie that Sean Astin has made except for Goonies

  41. says:

    Wil Wheaton doesn’t scare me.

  42. says:

    Em Em,
    My first thought was “Just like in the movie Iron Eagle.” It took us 15 or so years to get the hostage out of Lebanon, yet an 18 yo high school kid can put together a plan to rescue his old man in like 3 days.
    I think this imagery has some to do with my procrastination problem.

  43. says:

    It’s a fucking hat Kevin and you wear it when you’re punting on the river Cam or Isis. See, you’ve really learned nothing about private school. In the UK, it’s called public school and what you know as a public school is a state school. It’s all just too confusing over here for us ex-pats.

  44. says:

    not even “White Water Summer?”

  45. says:

    fiona said that FIVE percent of her country is white.
    meaning 95% of her country his black.

    so…wasn’t she saying that #3 wouldn’t be a problem since there aren’t enough people to have an all white school?

  46. says:

    Err…. really? The bullies who were in my classes in school were all taller than me and skinny. They picked on kids like me because they thaough I was insignificant because I was a skinny little girl.

  47. says:

    In Clueless they went to a public school (just saying… I LOVE that movie for some reason).

© 2007 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound