Guest Blog- Porn and Chicken Girl Gets Her Time
We have another special post today, “porn and chicken” girl from my craigslist blog the other day read the post and wanted to give a retort. I told her I had no problem with her guest blogging, I gave her a log in to the site and let her fire away. Below is her reply, which is interesting for a few reasons: 1) it is funny as hell 2) it makes me sound halfway decent 3) we get to see a female’s view about craigslist 4) it includes a chart, I am a sucker for charts. She may or may not be responding to comments today as well.
Porn and Chicken Girl’s response:
Personally, I think I’m a pretty girl with a fantastic set of breasts. Seriously they’re great for motor boating and holding beer. I however am lazy yet industrious. So Craigslist seems like an easy way to find a decent lay with minimal effort. Through the modern wonders of the internet, I’m able to screen the applicants, judge them and decide ahead of time if I’m going to put out.
Kevin and I met through my aforementioned Craigslist ad, and you get what you pay for. Thankfully, Kevin smelled nice and was able to converse with me about things other than his former girlfriends and football (We are in Buffalo, you know).
Let me paint a picture of the Craigslist dating scene. Most of responses contained words that where 95% misspelled, with a blatant lack of punctuation and a venerable orgasm of poorly expressed ideas. In general, despite the fact that all Kevin did was copy and paste his information section from his blog, it got my attention moreso than “hey im jon dou want2 hav sex.” Not like I was expecting anything beyond a good laugh and slight depression ensuing because these are the men of Buffalo. (See figure 1.5 for representation of Kevin as compared to the average man of Buffalo.)
So, did I end up with my intended results? Sort of.
(chart lost to internet image eating monster)
What I didn’t get a steady fuck buddy like I was hoping for, which is a shame. Hopefully Kevin and I can work something out soon because he’s pretty good in bed and doesn’t want me to stay in the morning or do anything else that’s silly like DATE.
I did end up getting railed a few times but Kevin and I lost touch quickly because we both have lives. Just because the sex is good and you woke up together, does not constitute a relationship.
Although I do have one complaint. Mr. Congeniality over here didn’t put out once because he was “too tired.” This lead to many feelings of absolute confusion and doubt in my mind. Our hero eventually redeemed himself*.
So, in short, if Kevin drops the proverbial ball again, I like chicken, porn, and stop to pet furry little woodland creatures. You must be 5′11 and over to ride. Please fill out the following application.
P.S Kevin snores and talks in his sleep, he also hogs the blanket. But he’s warm, doesn’t have any huge personality defects, and you don’t need to use the excuse of “He slipped me roofies” to justify sleeping with him to your friends. Plus, I’m generally sure that if you get knocked up he’d go halves on the abortion because he’s an upstanding citizen.
(Wrong, a flight of stairs or a rusty coat hanger…. Wait, is this the appropriate time to ask if you are on the pill?)
*Note: Gentlemen, if you deny a girl begging you for sex please go out back and put yourself out to pasture.
So there you have it…
I actually don’t even have a retort for this or a question to end this with….
Next week- I’m going to Vegas for blog world expo… what happens in Vegas ends up in my blog. Also we will resume the dating series.
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On 11/2/07 at 7:51 am
said:
Aw man, this was silly…your blogs always make me giggle…Wait you didn’t even write this one! what am i talking about…
On 11/2/07 at 8:02 am
said:
Well, at least I know not to take the “I’m too tired, buddy” too personally anymore. Bad Kevin, BAD Kevin!
On 11/2/07 at 8:10 am
said:
Hmmmm, interesting. Im new to the Mn area and was thinking of joining one of those Match.com thingies, but now that I see what a blast craigslist can be, I think I’ll give that a whirl.
Who knows, maybe I’ll get someone who bathes!
On 11/2/07 at 8:14 am
said:
If you don’t keep screwing her can I have her?
On 11/2/07 at 8:17 am
said:
I dont know why that disturbed me so much. I think of Kevin as an asexual being. Kind of like my parents. The thought of Kevin and sex just makes me ill. Oh great now I will never get hard again.
On 11/2/07 at 8:30 am
said:
I’m over 5′ 11″, so if you could please pass my info along, much appreciated.
Also, the Vegas scene has to be better than the Buffalo scene…just a hunch.
On 11/2/07 at 9:01 am
said:
And I was ready to marry you… damn (from you)
“Mr. Congeniality over here didn’t put out once because he was “too tired.”
Hmmmm… would have never worked out….
On 11/2/07 at 9:04 am
said:
So you are above or below average?
On 11/2/07 at 9:14 am
said:
She didn’t mention the hook, so at first I was slightly disappointed but then the fact that she’s hilarious made up for it.
On 11/2/07 at 9:51 am
said:
That was hilarious! I am still jealous too.
And “excuse of “He slipped me roofies” to justify sleeping with him to your friends.” is the funniest thing I’ve read all week!!!
On 11/2/07 at 9:59 am
said:
she sounds awesome. and anyone who uses porn and chicken in the same sentence is good.
On 11/2/07 at 10:48 am
said:
P.S By pill, do you mean Flintstone’s vitamins?
On 11/2/07 at 11:01 am
said:
two things:
1)”contained words that where 95% misspelled”
like saying “where” instead of “were”?
oh wait…where is spelled right. never mind.
2)”Hopefully Kevin and I can work something out soon because he’s pretty good in bed”
“I did end up getting railed a few times but Kevin and I lost touch quickly”
“Although I do have one complaint. Mr. Congeniality over here didn’t put out once because he was “too tired.””
did you not put out “once?” or did you “rail” her a few times? i’m very confused with the time line of this story.
sorry. i’m pissy today.
On 11/2/07 at 11:08 am
said:
Sounds like a pretty successful hit on the ol’ craigslist. And in response the the part at the end, all I can think of is the song For The Ladies by Stephen Lynch.
I kissed you on the cheek, “Good-night my love”, I say,
You turned to me and smile, a baby’s on the way,
and then you drift asleep, to dream of life anew,
and I lie wondering, just what, I should do…
I could kick you in the stomach, and catch you unawares,
I could swear to god you accidentally fell that flight of stairs.
When I tell you that I love you I will look you in the eye,
as I slowly slide the hanger up your thigh…
On 11/2/07 at 11:20 am
said:
Well now that wasn’t bad at all. kudos to her for not Kevin bashing
Im in Vegas.. perhaps ill stalk you :-p
On 11/2/07 at 11:23 am
said:
Haha, great post. Craigslist is turning into such a joke nowadays haha.
On 11/2/07 at 12:11 pm
said:
There are quite a few remarkable things of craigslist.
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/jwl/466773849.html
On 11/2/07 at 1:11 pm
said:
What twisted shit it is to have a tryst from CL blog about the escapade.
I give you a formidable WTF Kevin!
On 11/2/07 at 2:41 pm
said:
I like to read between lines. Yes sure she’s sowing her wild oaks now but I find this girl was brave on the outside and crash-able in the inside. I think she’s a romantic at heart and she’s just vulnerable as any of us although she’s intellectualized her love and sex live in the words of chick and porn. She’s still very young. I wonder how long she can go on like this. Eventually she’ll be an emotional wreckage…. or she’ll become an author of best sellers.
Hmmmm craigslist Los Angeles is awful.
On 11/2/07 at 4:29 pm
said:
Nice try. You totally wrote this article about yourself! The first line gave it away. You only missed “I have a flat head” for the hors d’vours. You can fool some of the women……
On 11/2/07 at 10:34 pm
said:
“halves on the abortion”… yep didn’t see THAT one coming, but nice. very nice. still can’t breathe. laughed so hard i cried. lol lol lol …i <3 it!
On 11/2/07 at 11:30 pm
said:
She can’t travel to Australia can she?
On 11/3/07 at 2:18 pm
said:
Is it sad that when I heard Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen were dating I thought you were probably jealous? Doesn’t have anything to do with this post above, but I’ve been waiting for you to write about it, so this is a soft poke…