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The Monkey Menace

By: Bobby Finstock on 10/31/07 @ 7:03 am

Time to take a breather from the whole dating thing as I have finished up covering craigslist and am about to move onto my next round of experiments.

Today I want to talk about something that threatens… well none of us… well unless you are reading this blog in Delhi.

Apparently there is a massive monkey menace in Delhi, India. They are overrun with evil monkeys.


Sure you read that and think, “What are they throwing crap and doing things that crazy little monkeys do?”

Nope. They threw the deputy mayor of Delhi from his terrace, giving him a serious head injury that lead to his death. I shit you not, this is totally real. In India it is forbidden to kill monkeys for religious reasons. This coupled with the fact that people have been feeding monkeys in order to obtain divine reward has led to a rise of unruly monkeys. How out of control have these monkeys been?

Monkeys have invaded government ministries in New Delhi, ridden elevators and climbed along windowsills. Monkeys slapped students inside a girls school in a south Bengal suburb. A gang of monkeys in the city of Chandigarh ripped up lawns, broke flowerpots and yanked sheets off beds.

Some monkeys, mostly loners, have bitten people, injuring and even killing small children.

Wait read that over, they went into a girls school and slapped the students around? Is that not the greatest thing you have ever read?

Jane, why were you late for class?

A monkey just kicked the shit out of me.

Sure Jane… sure…

So what do you do with unruly monkeys that you can’t kill? Send them to monkey jail of course. None of this really has worked and Delhi is losing it’s battle against the rouge monkeys.

You know what, I don’t even have a solution to offer up. I was going to say that I could create a band of freedom fighters that would come and take care of the monkey problem. Maybe I could wear a cool eye patch and have the latest in military technology to fight the monkeys. But after thinking about it, why the hell would I want to do that? I am waiting for the inevitable monkey car theft or perhaps a plane theft. Or the story about how someone went to buy an ice cream and the only people working were monkeys, of course they would only dish out banana ice cream.

So India, I beg you, continue your no killing of monkey policies. You can co-exist with them and they can be productive members of society, after all they did dominate the trucking industry here in the 1980s.


Are killer monkeys not the greatest things ever?

This is going up on humor-blogs.com

Filed in: News

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

47 Responses to “The Monkey Menace”

  1. says:

    This would make for one really great horror film. Monkeys taking over the world . . . oh wait didn’t that happen in Planet of the Apes?

  2. says:

    BJ and the Bear rocked. or at least the chicks did. Even then I knew crappy TV when I saw it.

    The rel problem is not that monkeys may take ove a plane, it is that they may take over the call centeers for tech support. Oh wait, that would be an improvement. Go monkey go.

  3. says:

    A monkey killed my cat man…. this blog is too painful for me. *sob*

  4. says:

    Only you…only you…

    With all the plagiarism accusations running rampant in the blogging community, you remain a / THE true original!

    Have you alerted CNN or MSNBC to this??? There’ a breaking news story here (somewhere)!

  5. says:

    I’m a fan of unruly monkeys. I especially like the idea of using them for law enforcement, see segment about late girl to class. I know I don’t want to be bitten, pooped on, or bitch-ahem-monkey slapped, what could be a better deterant to crime?

  6. says:

    The thought of all these mean monkeys running amock cracks me up! Cows are sacred there and you can’t kill monkeys. What animals can you kill in India?

    Happy Halloween!!

  7. says:

    I’d rather have sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads or ill tempered sea bass.

  8. says:

    This all sounds so much like Planet Of The Apes. Jesus- there is only one man who can help the indians Mark Wahlberg/Charelton Heston.

  9. says:

    This is really funny! How mankind can get themselves into some serious monkey business.

  10. says:

    I hate to tell you, but i’ve been to Gibralter. (as in “the rock of”) and the monkey situation is JUST as bad there.

    (it’s even on their money)

    God help us if all these little monkey bandit unions unite.

    banana cream pie everywhere.

  11. says:

    Your story, while humorous, was nowhere near factual. I mean, there is no way there is a girl in India named “Jane”.

    Jane would have to be short for something much, much longer.

  12. says:

    Soylent Green is people! Wait, wrong Charlton Heston movie.

  13. says:

    Wow. I have watched a special called Rogue Animals where a monkey bit off a guys fingers and killed a baby and things in Africa, but I didn’t know India had monkey problems. And religiously it may be wrong to kill a monkey there, but is it wrong to punch or maim a monkey is the important question here.

  14. says:

    this is too much information 2 take in all at 1 time…

    killer monkeys? jesus christ

  15. says:

    God, you exaggerate, lol. :o P They did NOT throw him off the balcony, he fell while fighting them off. Those little bastards could be useful in doing my dirty work for me, hahahaha, I have a few people on my list that I’d like to sic them on :o ).

  16. says:

    Just because I cant kill the monkey doesnt mean i cant beat the shit out of one. Slap me, Im dropkicking the sumbitch. Break my favorite flowerpot, its getting a slapshot to the face. Rip up my lawn, im gouging its eyes out. I cant kill it but I will sure as hell maim it.

  17. says:

    that is the craziest story i’ve ever heard. it’s like 28 days later or something. throwing people off of balconies? oh, and 50,000 kudos for putting a b.j. and the bear picture up.

  18. says:

    now here in the states… it’s squirrels. Watch out for the squirrels!!!!!!!!!! They are sneaky little devils and they are always watching…..

  19. says:


  20. says:

    That’s just awesome. Sounds like my house everyday actually, lol.

  21. says:

    Does that mean in the future the Buddha statue will have a monkey’s head on it?

  22. says:

    Obviously I’m not the only one that saw the parallels between this and “Planet of the Apes”.

  23. says:

    You know…. this is just another thing that makes me feel like nothing interesting ever happens in my life.

    I just don’t think you’ve lived until you’ve been slapped by a monkey in school.

  24. says:

    Roaming monkey death squads are awesome.

    But this will all seem much less funny when our monkey overlords have enslaved us to work on their bananna farms.

  25. says:

    [...] The Monkey Menace at Pointlessbanter.net [...]

  26. says:

    We should just give those damned monkeys their own town.

    Then, when they are all settled in, we could all trash it and see how the furry blighters like it then.

  27. says:

    I think it is a bit arrogant to criticize India while we still have so many monkeys in our government offices.

    I’m just saying…

  28. says:

    Phear the Monkey!

    The Monkey Revolution is At Hand! (or is that paw?)

    Did y’all hear the stories about the monkeys harassing women field workers with rude gestures?

    Hey Lady! Wanna play with my banana?

    Next thing we’ll be hearing about the harassment lawsuits from animal shelter workers.. Imagine having a dog make the lewd suggestion you should lick his tinkie all day long!

  29. says:

    The monkeys are at it again!!

  30. says:

    How do you say “those damn dirty apes” in… eh never mind

  31. says:

    I had the call center tech support comment in there but I couldn’t figure out to classify the sounds monkey’s make so it ruined the joke… that you for bringing it up and getting it in the comments.

  32. says:

    Dude, you beat me to the tech support thing. My migraine has HP Tech New Delhi all over it right now.

  33. says:

    After reading half this blog, I thought to myself “Yes, no more call centers. I can finally rectify my credit card bills with someone who knows more then three english words. Those being yes, no, and thank you.” (Oh shit thank you is two words, whatever.) Then I realized,there’s still Kuala Lumpur and the rest of the country of Malaysia. At any rate, sure enough there is more people like me. Wouldn’t you know it, the second comment is about those f’in call centers.

  34. says:

    I try to help when I can.
    I now have the tv ad with the chimps doing river dance stuck in my head. great.

  35. says:

    Thanks for looking out for me

  36. says:

    If only it were true

  37. says:

    I think I need to go and report directly on this.

  38. says:

    I think you maybe onto something here.

  39. says:

    Pigs… right?

  40. says:

    I would settle for a rotating chair

  41. says:

    Can we export both of them to India?

  42. says:

    (insert rimshot here)

  43. says:

    I couldn’t think of a common Indian name, so I went with a Tarzan reference.

  44. says:

    No, seriously, a monkey did kill my cat. I lied about the blog being painful though.

  45. says:

    Send Wahlberg, Heston would just break a hip and embarrass us worse.

  46. says:

    omg, hanging people off balconies? micheal jackson isn’t black again, is he? …no seriously, is he?

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