You Can Get Everything on Craigslist, but a Date- Part 2: Responses
After checking out the competition I posted my ad on craigslist, which was essentially my about me page on here with some slight modifications. I received a good amount of messages back, including a guy telling me where all the good glory holes in Buffalo were. So you know, if this whole dating thing doesn’t work I have that information, you know… just in case.
A little side note: Who the hell want to be on the other side of a glory hole? I don’t get it. Does someone wake up in the morning and think to themselves, “What should I do today? Oh I know, I feel like sitting on the other side of a hole and having strange cock shoved in my face all day, maybe I will catch a shot in the eye!!!!”
So besides the glory hole guy I had a wide range of responses. After eliminating the people that didn’t spell check their messages or gave away too much information like, “I was recently in a disfiguring car accident.” (FYI- Not a good way to open an e-mail.) I narrowed it down to a handful of people worth talking to. Of course I learned shortly after talking to many of them that I needed to avoid Craigslist totally.
Person 1: Do you have a racial preference?
One response was from a girl that was going to grad school here in Buffalo. She was in her mid twenties, seemed witty and smart in our few e-mail exchanges. She asked for my IM screen name one night and I gave it to her. Let me give you a quick summation of our conversation.
(picking up after the small talk)
her: do you have a racial preference?
me: no, I don’t (translation: I hope to Christ you are Asian)
her: let me send you a picture
An artists rendering:
She looked like John Coffey from the Green Mile but with long hair. Her picture was her at Niagara Falls and she towered over every person in the picture, she had to be between six foot two and six foot three and about two hundred and twenty five pounds. Maybe I shallow but I couldn’t date a sasquatch. I politely told her I had to go after talking for a few more minutes.
Person 2: Wait how many dogs do you have?
I moved onto the next person that sounded interesting. This was a girl that lived in the towards me, had a good job, and seemed really nice. We went out to dinner twice but the more I learned about her the more I knew she wasn’t right for me. During one of our dates I pointed out that she had a clump of dog hair on her arm, she then mentioned that she had five dogs. That was a red flag, if you don’t live on a farm you shouldn’t have five of any one type of animal unless it is a fish.
Who would ever get five dogs? What does that say about a person? Are they really into animals that much? Are they that lonely? (Insert peanut butter joke here.) Isn’t this something that I should be worried about?
After dinner that night I told her I enjoyed talking to her but we would be better off just being friends. In all honesty I just had a deep seeded fear of one of her dogs licking my sack while having sex and me possibly enjoying it.
Person 3: I can’t date anyone smarter than I am.
The most promising response was from a doctoral candidate. She came off as witty and thought I was funny, really what more could I ask for?
I would like to consider myself a pretty sharp guy but after talking to this girl I was reduced to feeling like a complete idiot. Since she was a doctoral candidate in a field related to English she used words that nobody uses in everyday conversation. I was kind of worried that I would need to have a dictionary next to the bed so I could look up any words I didn’t understand that she might spout out during dirty talk.
“Transfix your member into the recesses of my hegemony.”
I was convinced hegemony was going to haunt me forever.
While we remain friends I kind of figured that she wasn’t for me. While I want to date someone mildly intelligent I can’t feel like the dumbest person in the room by far day in and day out. I get that enough at grad school, why would I want that in my personal life?
Craigslist was obviously becoming a waste, I figured maybe I should change it up and reply to some ads.
Tomorrow: Craigslist Part 3: Back in Training
This is going up on humor-blogs.com
lmao!!! loving the hair style
I knew it! You’re in love with a bassett hound named “Chewie”
You liked hegemy in my dream last night. Hmmm…gonna go back to bed now.
So how many times have you gone to them glory holes? haha
[...] You Can Get Everything on Craigslist, but a Date- Part 2: Responses After checking out the competition I posted my ad on craigslist, … like John Coffey from the Green Mile but with long hair. Her picture was her at Niagara Falls [...]
I’ve always imagined that the glory hole is odd for the male too, because a blowjob, while it is a good feeling, and it might be good, you don’t know what that woman looks like on the other side, she/he/it could look like Johnny Coffey.
First, you could have possibly turned down Venus or Serena with the first one. They both kinda look like that. Second, you never know if the person on the other side of the glory hole really is female or not, I mean, not to ruin it for you if it matters but that’s they price you pay for mystery, and third, ew, someone went on a date with dog hair on their arm? That’s caca.
Care to share the that list, you know, just in case. i just sayin’
Don’t be a hater – I woman with that many dogs has to like it doggie. Probably by a great dane
the doctorate chick would have been the best bet, after 2 or 3 months, she would have expended the entirety of her vocabulary, and you would have known all of it.
fair enough, i dont think feeling like a tard for 3 months is any fun, but hey, she’s gonna be a doctor of something.
can anyone say “sugar momma”
Here’s to hoping for Asians, eh? A lot of Asians in Buffalo, sir?
Haha thats hilarious. I would probably vomit if I saw that picture haha. From the Green Mile, eh?
Transfix your member into the recesses of my hegemony
lol, thats funny
Kevin…
You shouldn’t give up on doctoral candidates. As a fellow doctoral candidate I can attest to the relatively few dates one can get. Its really quite sad. All the normal ones were snatched during undergrad or master’s years and now all that remains are the ones that like to watch Battlestar Galactica while playing dungeons and dragons and reading some Star Trek book on the side.
Maybe you just need to show her some normal words. or maybe you could show me some.
Kevin you break my heart for being so smart, witty and funny…. Enjoyed every line of it.
It might be a weave
It is a true romance
Once again I showed up
I can’t bring myself to stick my cock into something random
I think the problems with them are a lot larger than that.
It is just the way my luck is running
I can hook you up
She is actually going to be a professor, no sugar momma for me
I am hoping for Asians period
You could have swapped the pictures out.
I’m highly sure that you have Kev…
Where were you last night?