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You Can Get Everything on Craigslist, but a Date- Part 1: Checking out the Comp

By: Bobby Finstock on 10/24/07 @ 7:08 am

This is part of my looking for love in all the wrong places series.

After doing some self evaluation I was ready to hit the dating world. The thing was I wasn’t sure where to start, sure I could drive an hour to hang out with all my friends that I had grown up with but I wanted to establish a rule that I can’t date anyone longer than a twenty minute drive from me. So while looking up hookers on craigslist to make fun of I decided to drop into their personals section. I mean you can get an apartment, furniture, a job, and just about anything else you can think of from that site. Why not a girlfriend?


Instead of going in and reading the women seeking men section I decided to check out the men looking for women section. Personally I figured if I could scope out the competition I should be able to figure out how to land a date. So I took down some notes of the top guys I was against.

Competition Number 1:

“Is your boyfriend or hubby neglecting yoru needs? Too busy to satisfy you? Has he forgotten how? Just bored or curious? I’m your new friend, with great sensual benefits without complications (and without batteries required). I’m 38, married, but not getting what I need in the bedroom. I’m 5′11″, 225 pounds, athletic to large build, with brown hair, goatee/moustache, brown eyes, and a rugged, handsome, teddy bear appearance I’ve been told. And a 9″ cock to boot, if size matters to you!”

Why my ad would be better: To start out with I think his posts sounds like a pharmaceutical ad on television. Are you bloated? Do you occasionally not feel fresh? Is your flow not regulated? You might suffer from IBS/Overeating/Restless Leg syndrome! I weigh less than he does and am an inch taller, so I have that going for me which is nice.

Oh and I might want to throw in the fact that I AM NOT MARRIED. I hope his wife is the one person that actually replies to his ad.

Plus when I think of “teddy bear appearance” all I can think of is this:


So I have to be at least 95% less hairy than this dude.

Where he beats me:
“And a 9″ cock to boot” he was so cavalier about it. I do have to question if he was measuring from the back of his balls though. He didn’t make it clear.

Competition Number 2:

“Hi, I am a bisexual male in my twenties and am looking for a girl who is cool with a guy being bi. I have had a difficult time telling girls
this, so I sort of see craigslist as a way to come right out front and say that i am into both girls and guys. Not really looking for a serious relationship (although anything is possible). I also plan to keep being bi on the dl, so this is something you must be understanding about. Otherwise, I am normal, educated, professional guy. I am decent looking and fit, and intelligent. I’m not really expecting too many replies to this, but if it is something you are interested in send me a note. A pic would be cool as well. If you think you might eventually want to try mmf with 2 bi-guys that would be a plus.”

Where I beat him: Well when I saying I am off watching the game with the boys you don’t have to worry about me being the pivot man in a massive circle jerk. Plus you don’t have to keep a massive secret about my life away from everyone I know, well except for that one thing that happened with those bodies in my trunk.

Where he beats me: I’m sure he’d like to.

The MMF threesome, you won’t see me being on one of your Chinese finger cuffs fantasy anytime soon.

Competition Number 3:


Getting caught in the rain? Divorced, no kids, great job, great looker, none smoker, no drugs, healthy, brown eyes, great smile. And you?”

Where I beat him: First of all I wouldn’t rip off a shitty song and if I did rip off a shitty song I would at least get the lyrics right. Second of all… wait does it even matter if there is a second?

Where he beats me: He doesn’t.

After reading that last ad I was ready to go and post my ad on craigslist.com… While my post was a 1,000 times better than any of these, the results weren’t all that good.

The Results of posting an ad

Which ad was the worst of the three?

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About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

46 Responses to “You Can Get Everything on Craigslist, but a Date- Part 1: Checking out the Comp”

  1. Claire says:

    Urghh did you have to post the hairy pic! My sister is moving to Germany and Hairy Bears are popular there.

    For me they were all very bad but number 2 was the worst.

  2. Fiona says:

    When I see someone bragging about a 9″ cock I start to wonder if he mistook the inches for centimetres on his ruler.

  3. JiMoe says:

    Kudos. I got nothing to say…haha

  4. mikster says:

    Well…at least in one case, the competition could be very stiff, eh?

  5. Josh says:

    The hairy man looks alot like MCA from the Beastie Boys… Or a sasquatch, either way good luck.

  6. matty says:

    What, you’re not supposed to measure cock length from the base of the balls? Damn it! Now I’m hung like a thimble.

  7. that guy says:

    i gotta ask….
    is craig’s list full of retards, or are you just really good at finding them?

  8. Katie says:

    Great, now I need brain bleach to get that hairy man out of my memory. Thanks.

  9. jeffy poophead says:

    Other then to express disgust of that hairy man picture,
    I’m with JiMoe…I got nothin’ except kudos to you and your never ending quest for love (or a one night stand)!

  10. Em Em says:

    Something tells me that the hairy dude pictured above wears speedos to the swimming pool, and that somehow I will end up swimming in the same pool and unknowingly bump into him to turn and find that I’ve stumbled across a disgusting Wookie. It’s happened before, like every time I go swimming in a public pool. I’m sure it will happen again.

  11. Xentix says:

    You know whats really amusing is the Best of Craigslist section. You’ll get a laugh out of it. Oh and if you didn’t realize it by now, anyone who might reply to your ad, remember, everyone has a myspace ;) haha. Oh sad times… Good luck homie!

  12. kate says:

    make sure you mention someone about no trannys allowed unless you’re into that kinda thing

  13. sporkgasm says:

    none smoker. my new favorite phrase.

  14. Isha says:

    Tell me what the title for you’re ad is and which craigslist so i can read and reply…lol and see if you can pick which one is me…lord the boredom, im supposed to be studying and writing a speech.

  15. MM says:

    *wretching uncontrollably*

  16. The Muse says:

    Craigslist is the best free freak show on the planet. I love it.

  17. RecycleCindy says:

    Your post is wonderfully funny! Made us all laugh… Thanks for sharing your competition.

  18. atenea says:

    YUCK. Well, I don’t know which is worse…

    The “I’m married and want to f%$k u on the side, and will keep you a secret while you get nothing but sex with a 9 cm penis” guy or the “I’m bi and I plan on cheating on you with another man, possibly while you look” guy

    Third guy is just sad

  19. kevin says:

    My girlfriend (who I have known for 23 years) used to date a guy in college who was hairy like that, we always called him “sweater chest” to her. That is a scary pic though.

  20. Haha craigslist has turned into a joke. But if you need to use craigslist to find someone… why do it?

  21. Beav says:

    Mate, loving the series – keep up the good work

  22. Kathleen says:

    #1 is definitely the worst. Not only does it sound like a pharmaceutical ad, buwhat a crybaby! Yeah, that’s what every gal wants, “my balls are blue”, wah.

    He probably meant he has a 9″ “cock”, which in reality is one of those penis extensions.

    Where exactly was that ad?

  23. King Steve says:

    How did you get a picture of me!?!!?…

    Craigslist is nasty man…lol..

  24. [...] Games « You Can Get Everything on Craigslist, but a Date- Part 1: Checking out the Comp [...]

  25. dana michell says:

    damn it!!!! now all I can do is sing that damn “Pina Colada” song!?!?! WTF? next blog MUST have a new song reference so I can clear my brain!

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