Apparently I am an Influencer
After leaving the blogging world of MySpace behind a few months back my blog kind of went on a growth spurt traffic wise. I am beginning to come up on the radar of some different people, specifically companies. What does that mean? I have officially become an influencer.
In the advertising world I am apparently considered an “influencer”, why I have zero idea. I guess my word holds sway over all of you, and apparently since you can’t think for yourselves you will automatically do whatever I say. SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE!!!!!
See what I mean, you probably have a giant red mark on your face and you don’t even know why you did it.
Since I am an influencer companies have been sending me or offering to send me free shit. From books to beer related merchandise, I have been getting e-mails offering me free stuff with I guess hope from these companies that I will write about it. Now you are talking to a kid in college that signed up for like 50 credit cards so he could get free t-shirts and Frisbees, I just love free pointless shit for some reason.
All of this attention has really made me think though,why should I use all of this mysterious influencing power for corporate America? Why shouldn’t I be using it for myself?
So today I have decided to use some of my influencing mojo to get you to do things…
1) For all the ladies out there- Some male “bloggers” ask their female readers to write the name of the “bloggers” site on their bodies and take pictures to help promote a fading website that nobody really reads. Since I am an influencer I don’t need to do such minor league stuff, instead I am going to ask all my female readers to do nasty stuff with a cucumber and send me the pictures.There is nothing hotter than produce being used to clean the bathroom or pop a zit.
2) For everyone else- Just send me money, I don’t care how you get it or what it was for just send it to me. Have a rent check ready to go out? Rip it up and cut me a check for the same amount, really it is going to a good cause don’t question it. Your kids need new shoes, screw em. They are just going to grow out of them anyways.
3) Build a giant mountain out of mashed potatoes- Hey if Richard Dreyfuss did it for aliens you sure as hell can do it for me.
4) Write “pointlessbanter.net” in for a write in candidate for all your local elections- With so few people voting I have a shot at winning school board president in at least 15 counties.And really, don’t you want me determining the education for thousands of kids?
So there you have it… Get to work… After all a guy that writes about period stains, shit porn, abortion clinic protesters, bukkake, and the Birmingham Booty Call really should hold a TON of sway of what you do and how you do it.
What else should I use my magical power of influence for?
I didn’t slap myself in the face, but the Accountant is pissed with me. Perhaps your message became a bit garbled?
I ALMOST went and did your #2 by writing out a check (especially for your precise wording of #1…too funny (and sad but true)) but I couldn’t remember how many zeroes there are in a gazillion so you’ll have to wait on my check until I figure that one out.\par
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Me, I’m still hoping that Santa brings me an AUTOGRAPHED copy of your book for christmas…I got an autographed copy of John Hart’s latest (Down River) a couple of days ago, but I’m sure that it would pale in comparison to your work!
Sure no problem, just send me your bank account details and social secutiry number
Have you gotten any free samples of those “Sexy Undies” that are advertised on here?
Is an influencer like a pusher? Hmmm.
Can you make my daughter clean her room?
first of all, the fact that you influence anyone is a frightening thought. with that being said, i want nothing more than to go home and make a mountain of mashed potatoes while humming a weird succession of keyboard notes.
if i start seeing you blatantly advertising in your writing, i’ll stop reading your blogs.\par
but something tells me you wouldnt do that to your loyal minions…i mean, readers, i have no worries.
I slapped myself and enjoyed it, although I like getting my wife pissed off so bad she smacks my face, you don’t know how much money this has saved me over these past 18 yrs, cause those Dominatrix chage so much, Thanks Kevin! You are an Influencer!!
You are very powerful. Ow, ouch, ow! Pictures forthcoming. Can we still have that cucumber salad tonight?
Use your influence to get a case of Guinness for me directly from Ireland….lol!
im gonna go buy some cucumber…\par
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ill get back to you with a real comment when im done.
influence someone to lower gas prices…
Ouch. That hurt…even out of myspace you still control my thoughts
You can have my rent check money, it’ll still bounce.\par
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Send me the cuke pics too, will ya?
You should influence the companies not to send you their shit anymore. Or at least influence them to send you money…
I like to think that I’m an influencer in the way that the “before” pictures are in those weight loss ads.\par
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Oh, and I think you should use your power to make me the other kind of influencer.
I secodn the approval of Lohan titties. You sir are a spotter of quality
You need to work on your powers a little. I feel a minor urge to go with #4 there, but I feel an overwhelming urge to write in my own name.
Is it safe for us to be surfing the internet whilst under the influence?
I didn’t slap myself, but I did tickle the cucumber.
Life is good when you get a ride on the free shit gravy train…
Mashed potatoes? I had a whole mountain range of candied yams going too.
I love your blog and the check’s in the mail. So’s the picture of a 50-yr-old lady and a cucumber. I know you are dripping with anticipation, you old influencer you.
Would you take a mountain of laundry in lieu of mashed potatoes? It’s ready and everything. I just told someone yesterday that the aliens made me do it.
I am a failure as an influencer
It’s ok Kevin, I’d still hump your leg.
works for me… do you have any produce?
No, but I’m going to have a hamburger for lunch.
Santa is a lazy bastard and needs to get on that
There is some potential there
I already sent them to a guy in Nigeria
Well send them to this Nigerian, you can tell I’m legitimate because I’m a Goverment official and we do lie.
I’m mean don’t lie!
right…..
Not yet I am working on it, I want to wear them on my head.
I think it could go either way
No but I can give her great relationship advice for the future.
My powers are working
over 600 posts so far and I don’t know that I have said anything positive about anything purchased or bought, well except my love of Lohan’s fake breasts
I heard she is getting you pvc pipes and a rodent for Christmas
And that advice would be: Kevin bangs all of his roommates so don’t answer the “roommate wanted” ad? ;^)
Depends on what you did with it