Now that I am an Academic
Yesterday I was asked by a professor to submit an essay for a book about the social web. It was the first time ever that someone felt like I had something important to say and that rest of the world needed to read it. So now that I am taking a step forwards in academic circles I can feel a massive change coming over me… I am becoming an academic, an intellectual elite if you will.
What does this change mean?
More sweater vests- Sure I might look like Diddy’s butler but what the hell. Once you gain any type of ground in the academic world you need to own a ton of sweater vests.
I need to buy a pipe- I know I don’t smoke, but for some reason I think I need to carry around a pipe and tap on it when someone is making a long winded explanation about whatever they are studying.
I need to use the word hegemony at least once every ten minutes- I have never heard the word used outside of school and I am banking on that I will never but it seems popular around here even though it is misused every other time. Oh also speaking of vocabulary…
Talk like the Damon Wayans when he played the guy in Jail on In Living Color- 50 cent vocabulary words give you street cred in grad school. While I have a good vocabulary I don’t drop 50 cent words left and right to show off how smart I am, in fact I kind of get annoyed when people do that. What is funny though is watching grad students try to impress their professor by trying to come off as a genius and misuse words left and right. That ranks up there with professors or managers not being able to figure out how to use audio visual equipment.
“No, wait, it should be on channel 3.”
“Is it plugged in.”
“Oh”
I need to sit in a cafe- Instead of writing crappy humor blogs maybe I should spend my time pondering. Pondering what I have no idea, but I need to ponder nonetheless.
What other changes do I need to make now that I am an elite intellectual? (wait where is that sarcasm font again?)
Read the latest from Bobby Finstock
Read the latest from Donkeysosa
On 10/11/07 at 8:05 am
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Pondering in cafes makes you look like you’re trying to pick up girls high on caffeine. “Hey baby, I have cappuccino at my house.” *wink*
On 10/11/07 at 8:18 am
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Don’t for get to grow a beard and wear bow ties.\par
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actullty bow ties are cool both are cool. never mind
On 10/11/07 at 8:19 am
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The poop and fart jokes need to go.
On 10/11/07 at 8:21 am
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You ABSOLUTELY need a brown corduroy jacket with leather elbow patches… they are all the rage in academia!
On 10/11/07 at 9:18 am
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You could use 50-cent vocabulary words, or you could be a revolutionary academic and just start talking like 50 Cent.
On 10/11/07 at 9:21 am
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Get married so that you can have fights with your wife at all faculty meetings. Maybe call yourselves Martha and George. !
On 10/11/07 at 9:29 am
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You could start going into other people’s blogs and pontificate about mindless drivel and then bring up subjects that only sort of have to do with the blog and create “discussions” around them, citing your degrees (which automatically make you an expert in everything) and demean anyone else who has an opinion deeming them stupid and IF they also have degrees, (which they will undoubtedly feel the need as you will, to tell everyone their major) their degrees will be worthless because their community college isn’t half as good as the one you went to… that’s what all of the cool myspace academics do, afterall. =)=) (Sorry, been seeing that in blogs a lot lately)
On 10/11/07 at 9:30 am
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Um, and yeah, what’s with the Pingbacks?
On 10/11/07 at 9:38 am
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Hege…. What? make sure you got some Purple Haze in that pipe!!
On 10/11/07 at 10:06 am
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Five words…Tweed jacket with elbow patches
On 10/11/07 at 10:39 am
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double up on the cafe thing.\par
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write. at a cafe. take your laptop. drink coffee and look pretencious. its a dream of mine.\par
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as for the word “hegemony” i haven’t heard it outside uni either and cannot for the life of me remember what it means.
On 10/11/07 at 10:39 am
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You need a monocle, a cane made out of ivory, and a subscription to The New Yorker.
On 10/11/07 at 10:41 am
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You need a courduroy sportcoat with elbow patches on it.
On 10/11/07 at 11:14 am
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What kind of pipe?
On 10/11/07 at 11:25 am
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You need to grow a Van Dyke, wear penny loafers, bleach your sideburns to make it appear that they’ve grayed a bit, hmmmmm….what else? Oh yeah! You need to carry a tin of Peppermint Altoids around with you at all times.
On 10/11/07 at 11:31 am
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“sweater vets” Is that a bunch of overheated soldiers?\par
Don’t forget the round wire rimmed glasses, or the wire half glasses worn low on your nose!
On 10/11/07 at 11:33 am
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You need those corduroy jackets with the funny elbows. And an askot.\par
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Oh wait, that’s Sherlock Holmes.
On 10/11/07 at 12:07 pm
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You in the ranks of academia…they will never recover.\par
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*wicked grin*
On 10/11/07 at 12:56 pm
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carry a battered leather brief case with your”manuscript” in it(actually two gherkin and cheese sandwiches cut diagonally and an apple) a pencil and note pad (or Dictaphone for the pretentious who claim a personal secretary) and last but not least a far off stare as if the world around you isnt as important as the deep and serious thoughts you are pondering.
On 10/11/07 at 1:52 pm
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I think you need to start drinking bourbon out of a coffee cup, at least that’s what I suspected some of my professors were doing.
On 10/11/07 at 5:14 pm
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You’re going to need some gray in your hair at the temples. You could get that by trying to raise a teenager or just go buy a can of spray-on color. Up to you.
On 10/11/07 at 11:46 pm
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When are we going to do lunch? Call me - 713-7318. How’s D&A?
On 10/12/07 at 12:08 am
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Don’t forget the fine wine! Throw out the names of fancy vinyards left and right and you’ll be a member of the intellectual elite in no time!
On 10/12/07 at 1:09 am
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you need to subscribe, (and submit to) The New Yorker.
On 10/12/07 at 7:59 am
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ok, if you are going to wear the sweater vests, at least save some time and get one with a ‘fooler’ attached - you know, fake shirt collar and sleeves. It’s almost as cool as a dickie.\par
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I just made myself shudder.\par
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If you’re not careful, you will start listening to CBC radio. Then we’ll have to make you say “eh,”, eh?
On 10/14/07 at 5:21 pm
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Sweater vests totally give you that academic vibe. Another good thing to do is alter your home enviroment; this must include several book cases with old books (or at least appear to be old), perhaps books that smell moldy, and no, absolutely no, genre fiction (you can stash those out of sight). And when people come over and remark on how many books you have and ask you ‘wow, have you read all those?’ the answer would be ‘yes’… and feel free to start talking about one of them (a philosophical text would work well) until the person’s eyes glaze over in boredom. The ability to read seems to awe many people.