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Seventeen Magazine Questions Answered: The All Sex Advice Edition

By: Bobby Finstock on 10/9/07 @ 7:13 am

I really need to apologize to America’s youth, I have neglected you as a of late. In the past I gave you practical advice once a month by taking the questions out of Seventeen Magazine and giving you the correct answers. For awhile I forgot about doing it but now that this country is in the dumper I feel it is my duty again to educate American’s youth and tackle your tough questions. So today I am back in the saddle and taking all your questions about sex. As always these are real questions taken directly from seventeen.com.

Q: “Will I bleed the first time I have sex?”
–Catherine, 18, Houston, TX

A: Wait, your 18 and haven’t had sex yet? I don’t think you need to worry about the bleeding thing because if it hasn’t happened yet it might not happen at all. What sort of social misfit are you?

Being the sexual dynamo I am I have to say that I popped a lot of girls cherries in my day and robbed a lot of girls of their virginity, making it so I can be the guy they regret forever. However I haven’t done that in a really long time and totally forgot what it was like. So I decided to talk to my cousin Carrie and see what she had to say.

Carrie: This picture was from prom night and I just had sex… Yeah there is a little blood.


So there you have it. An honest to goodness female answer, just remember Catherine to lay down a tarp on your bed before going at it.

Q: “I think about sex a lot. Is that normal, or am I a pervert?”
–Anonymous, 13, Phoenix, AZ

There is nothing wrong with a girl that thinks about sex, that is exactly the type of girl I am looking for. Let me give you my… *looks at age again*…. Let me give you my Toys R Us gift card so you can go pick up some My Little Pony or whatever girls play with these days. Can I get your fathers phone number because I think we need to pour cement in your vagina just for at least another three years.

Q: “Based on your menstrual cycle, when’s the best time to have sex so you have the lowest chance of pregnancy?”
–Megan, 16, AZ

Ah Megan, so you are going to go for the tried and true method of timing when to have unprotected sex based on your mensies. Good for you! This is the most effective way NOT to get pregnant, the condom companies have totally lied to you about telling you how risky this is in order to sell more condoms. Just so you know the best time to do this is halfway between periods, there is this thing called ovulation that happens around then. That is a time when your body is dormant and you can’t get knocked up.

Q:”If you are using a condom and it breaks while you’re having sex, what is the best thing to do?”
–Meagan, 17, Conway, AR

A: Get a turkey baster. It is the only thing that can save you.

Q:”Can you catch an STD by kissing someone?”
–Richelle, 16, AR

A: Very good question Richelle, since i have a clean bill of health on the STD front let me phone this one in to my friend “Herpes Mouth McGee”.

Herpes Mouth McGee: Nope it is totally safe.


How can you not believe that face?

Now for the last one I am going to leave it up to you guys to give the answer:

“My mom is always bringing up sex in our conversations. She says she’s trying to educate me but it’s really embarrassing. I feel like I know everything I need to know and will make good decisions when it comes to having sex. How do I convince her of this?”
–Allie, 18, Union City, CA

Filed in: Questions Answered

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

42 Responses to “Seventeen Magazine Questions Answered: The All Sex Advice Edition”

  1. says:

    You really are a sexual dynamo… you’ve finally answered all of my questions about sex! Thanks!

  2. says:

    ‘really good decisions based on what? based on shes never done it before? obviously mom fucked up, because by the time i was 18, my momma was the lucky grandma to a 1 year old girl haha…and by 21 shes got 2.\par
    dont listen to your mom, get on the pill, they are easier to forget about taking everyday, spit out some kids, get on welfare, and thank mom for all her help…blame rebellousness, (she talked about being safe SO much, and abstenense SO much more)\par
    hope i could be of some help to her ;)

  3. says:

    Just bring your current boyfriend for life over and show momma exactly what you know. Maybe will agree that you know it all, but don’t be surprised if she decides to teach you a trick or three.\par
    Oh and do keep in mind the phrase “can suck the crome of a trailer hitch” is just an expression. Do not try to suck that hard – ouch.

  4. says:

    Oh so easy and very simply. Make a sex tape and then show her the results. Your mother will be so proud of your abilities. You know the flying “V” and the reverse cowgirl. Nothing puts a smile on a mothers face like knowing that her daughter isn’t a complete dead fish in the sac. For a grand finale, have the guy pull out right before and dump that half pint of man yogurt on your chest. This will show your mother that you are concerned about your future and do not want to get pregnant. If this doesn’t work, tell the dumb bitch to shut up and go out and get laid.

  5. says:

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  6. says:

    [...] Read this great post here [...]

  7. says:

    You should do your own sex advice column.

  8. says:

    [...] marcellous wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptA: Wait, your 18 and haven\’e2\’80\’99t had sex yet? I don\’e2\’80\’99t think you need to worry about the bleeding thing because if it hasn\’e2\’80\’99t happened yet it might not happen at all. What sort of social misfit are you? Being the sexual dynamo I am I have to … [...]

  9. says:

    Okay, Kevin, I have a question.\par
    Is refusing to do a blowjob bad or good if I don’t expect oral in return?\par
    (Come on, you gotta tell me so I can be ready when I come over to play in the Nestle milk chocolate hot tub with you.)

  10. says:

    Dear Allie, while I am quite sure you think you know everything there is to know about sex, it’s obvious that your mother is a whore given her propensity toward sex talk, so you should probably listen up. At the ripe old age of 18 while I’m sure you know “everything”, you may need to be schooled on the complexities of mulitple partners, sex toys and the infamous dirty sanchez by a person who is in the know, and who better than your dirty slut mother who has been around a block or few. I’m sure if you go digging you may just find she’s got a few films on the market. And maybe, just maybe you can pick up good techniques for using a whip and gag ball and the importance of using safety words. So cut your mom some slack, she just wants you to be the best little whore you can be, like she is. =)

  11. says:

    I have to second David on this one. Yes, I am unoriginal today.

  12. says:

    Your mom only wants to show you the proper way to do a reach around. It will only bring a tear to her eyes when she knows her daughter is doing it right.

  13. says:

    Hey, I didn’t have sex until I was 18. I hate you.

  14. says:

    Dear Allison, \par
    You haven’t told her you’re the town whore yet?

  15. says:

    Dear Allie,\par
    Your mother just wants to have some mother/daughter lesbo action with you. She wants you to get worked up so you can start eating her out and maybe invite a hot friend of yours or your boyfriend for a threesome. A way you can convince her of it is just to start doing as I said, and eat her out. Then she will know that you know your shit. haha

  16. says:

    Dear Allie,\par
    At least your mom isn’t coming up to you asking “Do you feel fresh today?” Try living THAT down on the school bus!

  17. says:

    Hahaha that herpies face makes me want to get a BJ right now for sure! WOOT!

  18. says:

    Dear Allie,\par
    Prove your knowledge to your mother by inviting her to join you in a threesome. I’m assuming by your age that she’s a MILF. I hope I’m not wrong.\par

  19. says:

    These are truly some of the best comments in a long time. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one with a sick and twisted mind. All this great advise, can you get me in contact with “Allie”.

  20. says:

    To answer the question: tell her that you know everything about sex. Then ask if she knows what an Alabama Hot Pocket or a Boston Pancake is. Explain them to her. She’ll never bring it up again.

  21. says:

    My answer for the question would be: You don’t know anything about sex. All the junior high kids know more these days than you do. Trust me. Plus, I bet your mother has had more sex than you have, whether you like to believe that or not. Or do what the guy above me says to do. That would shut ME up.

  22. says:

    Oh dear young, sweet, innocent Allie,\par
    Tell the bitch to shut up. Ask her if she would like to sit in while you and your boyfriend are going at it. Maybe, just maybe, she can take some tips from you, because obviously, you’re the master.

  23. says:

    You know for a minute I thought you were talking about your sister Karrie, not THAT Carrie.

  24. says:

    Show her your Ortho Evra Patch and let her know that its going to help you stop smoking cock.

  25. says:

    I heard if a condom breaks, put your ceiling fan on high and swing on it. The centrifugal force will let everything come out.

  26. says:

    wow…all my questions answered..thanks! :-)

  27. says:

    What the fuck is up with you people?\par
    do u all jus tlike talking about SEX all the fucking time?? \par

  28. says:

    WTFE!! I bet none of this is even fucking true!! lol~

  29. August says:

    haha. this is hilarious.
    you should really do your own advice column on sex.
    no joke. (:

  30. says:

    I am all knowing

  31. says:

    Does anyone listen to their parents?

  32. says:

    That is exactly the avenue I would have took

  33. says:

    Ah a memorex moment

  34. says:

    Oh I am going to do a weekly video blog I think.

  35. says:

    If you aren’t down with it you aren’t down with it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with refusing, well as long as you don’t want to marry the guy

  36. says:

    Aw so sweet

  37. says:

    You have more than made up for it

  38. says:

    Good thing I don’t want to marry you, huh?

  39. says:

    I have some questions to submit then… let me know when it starts.

  40. says:

    I am probably going to do a test this weekend.

  41. says:

    Yes, I did. That is a fact.

  42. says:

    I do not as my mother once told me, “oral sex is just so sophisticated for teenagers.” Really? Then what was the point of all those popsicles in my youth?

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