I’m Not Getting an Abortion I am Just on My Way Home
Everyday on my way home I pass by a group of protesters outside a clinic. There is always someone there protesting abortion, which I presume this clinic provides.
Now putting any political or social beliefs aside there is one cardinal rule I live by, “Don’t get pestered.” It is pretty simple, I don’t like to be nagged, I don’t like to be solicited, I don’t like anyone asking me to do something more than like two times, and most of all I don’t like having other people’s political or religious beliefs shoved down my throat when I am trying to do day to day activities. My entire goal each day is to not be pestered, it ranks right up there with eating, sleeping, showering, and crapping.
Well the other day the world of abortion protesters crossed over to my little bubble. I was stopped at a light in front of the place where they stand and they started shouting at my car and waggling their signs with their crazy Jesus slogans and pictures of fetuses. This really pissed me off. It wasn’t like I was pulling into the clinic with three pregnant women in my back seat, I was just going home after a long day of work and class. So now I need to seek revenge, because I am vengeful and spiteful man. Here are a couple of plans that I have been working on:
Plan A: Operation sperm spreader
The concept of this plan is simple, I need to find as many women as I can in a two week period and have sex with them, leading to me knocking them all up. After a month or two I begin to bring them all to the clinic, one right after another. Each time I would roll my window down and scream at the protesters, “Look I got another one!”
While at first this seems like a winner there are some major problems with this plan:
- I have to miss a ton of work
- It is going to cost a lot of money
- I would have to find girls to have sex with me
Really I think this one is a losing proposition all the way around. Well except for the fact I totally could bang younger chicks:
Plan B: Do my own protest
Here I would show up on a Saturday with a t-shirt saying “Abortion Rocks”. Along with the t-shirt I would bring multiple to hold up:
- Honk if you love abortions
- Help control the human population, have an abortion today
- Buy 2 Get 1 Free
- Get an abortion and win a free toaster
First of all I think the free toaster thing would really increase the abortion clinics numbers, I mean I signed up for like 40 credit cards in college because the credit card companies were giving away t-shirts and Frisbees. A free toaster has got to really bring in the traffic, that would stick in the protesters craw.
Of course I would video tape all of this and put it on youtube, I mean really good footage is good footage. Now none of this would have happened if you would have just left me alone. I don’t interfere with your protesting or your right to protest and you shouldn’t interfere with an enjoyable drive home. But now it is war.
Now I am off to campus to see if I can sign out a camera for next weekend.
What do you hate being nagged about? Charity, politics, religion, sales people, or something else?
My Husband is a Democrat and my son is a Republican.\par
My son is staying at our house for a awhile.. nuff said.
The other problem with “sperm spreader” is that some of those women might actually want to keep your love child….. Yes, some women ARE that crazy.
Last night I was activating a credit card and had to sit on the phone for 10 minutes with a …lets say definately-not-a-native-american… trying to sell me credit protection. How stupid do I look? Okay, I’m stupid for getting the department store credit card in the first place, but I just did it for the discount and paid off the balance immediately.\par
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I hate these credit-protect people. How many times do I have to say no? \par
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I’ve learned the best thing to do is tell them I work as a temp so credit protection won’t protect me.
My major pet peeve right now is recorded messages urging me to vote for candidate X becuase he thinks so much of me he is using a computer to call me during my favorite show “Debbie does Dallas while eating a pizza”.
Wait tiill you get married, you’ll find out much more about nagging!!!!!!!!!!!!\par
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My wife the ” Worlds Greatest Nagger”.
Hahaha…the clue is “people who annoy you…” Oh, “naggers”! Ha. Anyway, I hate commissioned sales people that nag you from the minute you get into the store until you leave. They make you feel like their children are going to starve if you don’t buy from them, I’ve even seen bickering matches, and a lady at the store where I bought my furniture got really mad at me because I asked for the other lady who had originally helped me instead of her who didn’t because she didn’t get the commission.
I hate being nagged and yelled at when I pull a “Houdini” with a woman.
Maybe you should borrow one of those fake pregancy simulators from the college (if they have one) and walk up to the clinic doors. This should give them a moral crisis, as they weigh the thought of abortion against the fact of a guy being pregnant. Imagine the fun you could have.
i don’t think i’ve ever met a person who likes being nagged, or having someone in their face on a regular basis. my biggest peeve is this guy who parks his van with anti-abortion pictures and slogans across from places where i like to eat. i look out the window and BLAM…dead baby pieces. i just want to eat my seared yaki roll in peace.
I don’t like solicitors much, I used to get them in the convenience store I worked in and sometimes I had to literally chase them out of the store, threatening to call the police. They just do not take no for an answer. Then I had one come to my APARTMENT! I tried to be civil and tell the her I wasn’t interested but she actually got snooty with me and was like “Well how can you be uninterested if I haven’t told you what my offer is?” and I was SO ready to tell her off but I had just woken up and my brain wasn’t all there. I shot down every question she asked after that and slammed the door in her face as politely as I could. At work or out in public is one thing but to come to my HOUSE? Grr!
oh yea I was driving behind some super pro-life person who REALLY overdid it Kev, the license plate had like a fetus on it and I don’t even know how she could see, let alone drive, with the weight of bumper stickers and whatnot. It made me very indignant. Bill collectors nagging me, that sucks. I’ll pay the bill when I feel like it!!! also, if I duck into a store where I just want to lovingly stroke shoes…please, asking me if I need help just ruins the experience and makes me feel guilty..
The people that really bug me are the ones from green peace or save the children. They walk around with thier clipboards trying to get people to sign up for whatever it is they are trying to save that week. I hate those people.
I don’t care as long as they don’t ask me for money!
The *real* funny part about operation sperm spreader is when you find yourself unable to impregnate ANY of the women.\par
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I’m pretty sure you’d be set for life.
my Brain trys to nag at me about doing homework…but I just yell at it to shut up. Of course, it gets some odd looks on campus, but it works for a while anyway. ;-D
I’m with you on having someone else’s beliefs shoved down my throat. I take a morning walk every day and there’s this woman who constantly tries to get me to take the Watchtower and Awake, despite the fact I’ve told her I’m not interested, that I believe religion is just mental slavery, all that….she still thinks she can save me from Armageddon.
I live right by an abortion clinic and my doctor’s office so happens to be in the same complex. They really are annoying, those protesters. I mean can’t I go to lunch with my granmother without haveing to see a mile long line up of dead fetusus???? No I don’t want your pamphlet, I just need some damn claritin!!!
Just strap a naked life-like baby doll to the front of your car. That should shut them up.
I’m early on this one, but bell ringers. They smell like a mix between booze and dumpster. Not that the high-pitched constant ringing is annoying or anything like that.
I think what is worse, is those same people harassing you or others stepping foot near the clinic utilize the clinic when they need it. Their belief “My abortion is the only moral abortion” Check out this link My Moral Abortion.\par
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Plan A is flawed because many of those women would feel the maternal need to “keep” this one (even though you are the sperm donor…go figure), costing you big bucks for the next 18 years.\par
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Plan B sounds fun and all, but I wouldn’t expect to read another of your blogs. Some right to lifers won’t think twice about killing an adult human being.\par
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Good luck Kevin, hope you don’t have to bump into those folk again soon.
Do you want Instant Karma? Several years ago in my town, an old woman lost control of her vehicle and plowed right into the crowd of abortion protesters standing across the street of the clinic. \par
The abortion doctors came out to help and treat until ambulances arrived.
I hate being nagged by Jehova Witnesses. No I don’t want to talk to you. Get over it!
The pro-life people were out in force on my school’s campus a couple of years ago, with a small castle built of plywood. I’m not kidding, it was a huge booth with walls that were about 30 feet high. They had giant blown up pictures of aborted fetuses hung at the tops of the walls so you couldn’t walk anywhere through the main part of campus without seeing it. It pissed me off so bad. And no one was taking them seriously because they were so aggressive.\par
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Oh, even worse pro-life story. I do the Race for the Cure every year (which raises money for breast cancer research, for those who don’t know), and a few years ago this guy decided to stand at the side of the course and hold up a poster of baby pieces and another one that said “Abortions cause breast cancer.” Like what the fuck?! The guy almost got his ass beat. Way to ruin a really positive thing with his political views.
I’m pretty serious when it comes to the protesting bull shit. It’s just that BULL SHIT. Those mother living shit heads protest without a brain. I am pro-life if you are aborting because you are cold and heartless. If you are aborting because you were raped and you don’t want that memory, I support it. If you have a condition and you could die if you carry a kid and you have to abort with no choice in the matter, I support it too. If you can’t afford to get medical help, do the abortion so you don’t have to worry about paying for maternity care. \par
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Again, if you are doing it just because you are petty and a mother friggin idiot – I don’t support that choice. Carry the kid to full-term and give it up for adoption to a couple who can’t have kids.
question.\par
Why don’t you do Operation Sperm Spreader, but have girls pretend to be pregnant instead of actually getting them pregnant?
Totally got the shirt for you and all yur friends here Kev:\par
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http://www.reallyeveryonesdead.com/prodeath.htm\par
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You know you love it!
I hate Mormons and Jehova’s Witnesses.’ Why can’t they let me sleep in on Saturday’s?
Great blog as usual.\par
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My 66 year-old mother (who has never had an abortion) suggests that pregnant women should approach the protesters and ask them who in the crowd would like the baby that she is about to abort. (That usually shuts them up pretty quickly.) If there are multiple people calling her bluff, start a bid!
Great post. Only thing I’d add is to be sure to have a poster of your own that says “Abortion 3 of 15″ when you start taking your baby mama’s in to have your demon seed removed from their bellies!
Plan A:\par
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I really like where you are going here, but this might save you some time and money.\par
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1. Get women to go with you and pretend they are pregnant. Maybe invest some time in making a pretend baby belly. All you have to do is make the protesters believe that your women are getting an abortion.\par
2. Once inside the clinic have her remove the false belly.\par
3. Maybe you could market this idea to women who are in need of their yearly exam. You could offer free transportation to and from the gynecologist, all they would have to do is pretend a little.\par
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I would highly suggest bringing a deck of cards or something to do while you are waiting for the pretend abortion to take place.\par
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PLAN B:\par
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I think your anti-protest should be two-fold. Let me explain:\par
1. Make a lot of signs, bumper stickers, buttons, and t-shirts that say “MAY THE FETUS YOU SAVE BE GAY”. \par
2.Gather your groupies and chant “MAY THE FETUS YOU SAVE BE GAY” \par
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This protest will not only annoy the crazy Christians, but it will also support homosexuality.
“Abortion Rocks!”\par
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LMAO!! I’ll give you a spankin’ new crisp hundred if you wear an “Abortion Rocks!” t-shirt to atleast 3 different classes.
HAHA oman you make me laugh. That was hilarious, I hate those protesters. I’d def. wear the shirt
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Next time just throw the car in park and take a giant shit right there on the sidewalk and say, “Betcha you wish I would’ve aborted that turd baby, SUCKAS!” They should leave you alone after that.
http://www.foulmouthshirts.com/ has a few good political/religious faction shirts up. My favorite just says ‘Abortion, it’s a lot like locking your keys in your car.’ with a picture of a coat hanger.\par
These blind followers should realize condoms are easier and cheaper to change than diapers. Ever think of closing your legs for once in your life? And for the females, don’t you consider your eggs living like a guy’s throat yogurt? You’re constantly ‘killing.’\par
Oh the irony, ‘pro-life’ moral retards will kill those who work in abortion clinics, this tickles my fancy.\par
PS : I’d rather be related to a monkey than to be a proud sister-humping inbred who believes in a self-creating fairy tale.
Abstinence prevents abortions.\par
Homosexuality prevents abortions.
That is so wrong
I kept a Love child. A high school thang. Anywayz- He is 20 now- making more $ then most 50 year olds and he is my best friend. I think I did well.
I thought I held that title!
That seems pretty backwards, Most of the time it’s the dad who is on the right and the kid on the left. I’m pretty independent myself, leaning toward republicans. God I hope ron paul goes independent for the election…