On Sunday I joined a gym. Exciting right? Not really I know.
Since I moved back to Western, NY I have felt really unhealthy. Maybe it is because I am jamming my gullet with wings, garbage plates, and subs. Or maybe it is because the only exercise I am getting is when I watch “Jenna Love Rocko”.
Today was my first day and I am giddy about all the potential questions I will eventually be able to answer.
1) What is the exact amount of time you can stare at a girl working out before it crosses the line and becomes creepy?
I’ve never been one to leer but now it seems like a good time to start.~ I read somewhere that the gym is actually the worst place to pick up a girl… That might have been in “Cosmo”, I’m not sure.
2) If I can piss in my shower at home is it socially acceptable to do it in the gym shower?
They have private shower stalls where I go, so I wonder if I can pull this off.~ Really it saves time and I have read if you piss on your feet it prevents athletes foot, that might have been in “Better Homes and Gardens”. Which brings me to my next question.
3) How long can I avoid the guy with all the anti-fungal sprays?
I saw a guy in the locker room that used anti-fungal spray on his feet and a different spray on his crotch. Is there any humanly possible way that I can avoid using every single machine he has ever touched? After seeing all the spray deployed it made me want to go spring for a bowflex.
4) How do I stack up against the black guys?
I finally can see side by side how I stack up against a black guy. The only problem is that I work out between 6am and 7am in the morning, black people don’t get up before like 10… I think I read that in “Jet”.
I just wanted to make a Jet Magazine reference… sorry.
5) If I join a spin class would that totally be gay?
What do you think the girl to guy ratio is in one of those? Just wondering.
6) Can I read “People Magazine” and “Us” so I can stay on top of Britney’s kids being yanked away~ while on the treadmill but blame it on the fact that there were no copies of “YM” available?
Yeah how about that, Britney got her kids yanked from her. You have to be a really bad mother to have your kid taken away from you, hey at least before she dropped them off she took them to Carl’s Junior for a nice healthy lunch. Way to be responsible, fast food for kids under three is a healthy way to raise them. I can’t wait for K-Fed to put out his parenting book series and school us all, it should do better than his album.
Well I totally got off track there on something that is totally unfunny, which means it is a good time to pull the plug and get to work.
What questions do you want answered from the gym?