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Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line,

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/27/07 @ 2:31 am

Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line,

Dude, we need to talk. Before I make a few points I have to ask you some questions so please be patient.


1) Are you a pirate? Do you rape and pillage, sailing the seas looking for booty? I don’t think you are because you don’t have an eye patch, peg leg, or a hook for a hand. Nor is their any visible signs that you have had a parrot on your shoulder.

2) Are you a wrestler? Do you fake fight for a living? I kind of doubt it because you aren’t that big and I didn’t see any needles hanging from your ass from where you inject steroids.

3) Are you a biker? Do you ride a hog? Judging by the crappy ass retail store shirt you were wearing and the worn out loafers I have to doubt the idea of you owning a hog.

Ving Rhames

4) Are you Ving Rhames? You aren’t black and I don’t remember you playing Marsellus Wallace, so I don’t think you are him.

Well if you answered no to all of these questions then let me tell you something.


You can’t shave your head and have hoop earrings unless you are the following: a pirate, a wrestler, a biker, or Ving Rhames. For anyone else it is totally unacceptable, in fact I am offended that you were wearing them. If I didn’t have a sub sandwich and an Arizona Ice Tea in my hand I would have gone up and yanked them out of your ear. But since that required me to bend down and place my awesome roast beef sub from Wegmans on the ground I decided against it.

Also for future reference, just because they have a checkout stand in the sub shop in the grocery store doesn’t mean you can bring 20 items for them to ring you out. When everyone else is in line behind you just with a sub and a drink and you are ringing out an entire basket of stuff it is a dick move. You know how you can tell it is a dick move?

Remember when you went to put your basket down there was no place to put it? You had a look of utter befuddlement because it isn’t a normal register, it is the sub shop register for people buying subs not your personal checkout because you were too fucking lazy to buy your groceries after you purchased your sub or brought your bags with you to buy your sub. They don’t have a place for you to put the basket because it isn’t socially accepted. Have some respect for your fellow man and let them buy their tasty subs so they can get back to work. When you pull this shit during the lunchtime rush it makes me want to grab that bag of apples in your hand and individually shove each and everyone one of them up your ass using that bottle of Tabasco sauce as lube.

Make these changes in your life Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line and we will all be better of for it.


Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

53 Responses to “Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line,”

  1. says:

    What about Mr. Clean? You forgot him. Its becuase he is a cartoon isnt it? Bigot. Where is Al and Jessie, time to march.

  2. says:

    I was thinking Mr. Clean, but the lawyer got there first.
    You also forgot genie’s, btw.

  3. says:

    Some bald men are hot like….like….err…I’ll get back at you with a list. But some are hot

  4. says:

    Ah so the real issue is not bald headed men with hoop ear rings, just dumb ass fuck-wits with hoop earrings.

    I am all for giving every fuck-wit a bullet. To add to te list – if you cant work the damn selfcheck machine or need to write a check – don’t get in the damn line.

  5. says:

    You just ruined my love of Tabasco sauce with that mental image. I guess I’ll move on to Frank’s Red Hot.

  6. says:

    thats right!

  7. says:

    So this is what you wre doing last night. Checking out the bald men in line…

  8. says:

    Hey man…I’m a little ahead of ya (but have some holding on) I will go skin eventually…but will avoid the beard, goattee or just sideburns look with my life…and yeah..the ear ring past 30 on a man who is not in a rock band is a bit much

    Good stuff Kevin

  9. says:

    Was he yelling Deal or No Deal? It might have been Howie Mandell, no? I have to say I’d like to write a similar letter…but it would start, “Dear Enormous Woman on a motorized scooter/grocery cart… are you really handicapped, or just lazy, I think lazy because you have brought your thirty items to the five items or less counter and expect to be rung up because you don’t have the energy to exert to steer your wheeliecart Hover Round thingy to the regular line like you’re supposed to…” Just a thought.

  10. says:

    Dammit and I thought I was so clever thinking of Mr Clean. Who, by the way, has his own website: http://www.mrclean.com/sites/en_US/mrclean/index.shtml

  11. says:

    Ving Rhames can do whatever the hell he wants–including doing grocery item check out at the sub shop. I bet if that WAS Ving Rhames in front of you, you wouldn’t be throwing a bitch fit.

  12. says:

    i totally solved your riddle: he was mister clean.

  13. says:

    When I first saw the title of the blog I thought you might have been talking about me. And did you see that Jennie Garth is on Dancing with the Stars? Maybe she’ll do some kind of interpretive dance involving baseball bats and hemmoraging.

  14. says:

    Geez, ok, I guess I’ll take mine off. I was just trying to be edgy. Wait, I have about $2000 worth of pirated software, movies and music in my computer, does that count?

  15. says:

    If you watch “The Office”, Wegmans will be featured on the show tonight.

  16. says:

    Good rant. It really is unbelievable how rude people are getting.

    You’d think we were in France.

  17. says:

    I get the eye patch motif, I even get the bald head shaved look, I will even grudgingly accept the ring in the ear, but ass clowns that disrespect fellow consumers let it be at the drive through, in line at Sears, or waiting in line at the sub place, I would love to see just once these people pulled out of line and kicked out the store.
    Just once. I’m not asking much am I?

  18. says:

    “..makes me want to grab that bag of apples in your hand and individually shove each and everyone one of them up your ass using that bottle of Tabasco sauce as lube.”
    You naughty boy, you!
    Men should not shave their head just because they are losing hair, the monk look can be sexy, maybe…

  19. says:

    He probably would’ve enjoyed it too much.

    Can we send Howie Mandell back to Canada? Just a thought…

  20. says:

    I’m right there with you on this one, Kevin. People that go through a checkout that’s obviously made for checking out less than 5 items is ridiculous. It does show lack of respect for others in general, and people with a brain the size of a pea do that any way. I loved your blog it was hilarious! :)

  21. says:

    Good point. Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for posting on MySpace. Reminds me to read you!

  22. says:

    In my mis-spent youth I had a hooped ring adorning my ‘little bald man’, if you get my meaning. (I am referring to my penis, for those unable to keep up).

  23. says:

    Ahh… a rant reminiscent of my own anger filled stories of assholes doing asshole things… Why didn’t you just kick him in the back of his knee? Then you could have held on to your sandwich.

  24. says:

    Because of the area you saw him in I would say he was probably a cultural experiment that crossed a buddha with the likes of Howie Mandel and Thurman Thomas.

  25. says:

    I think it was Captain Jean-Luc Picard. He’s used to food replicators, so shopping is a new experience for him.

  26. says:


    so can you tell me just what Marsellus Wallace look like

    or am i going to have to finish this one on my own

  27. says:

    you’ve never experienced ire in a line-waiting situation until you’ve been behind the guy @ supermarket SERVICE DESK with his week’s worth of groceries.

    and you’re standing there with your lunch (cuz you work there) tryin’ to get your paycheck and your *own* tasty sub while John Q. Fucktard is there with 48 cans of cat food and enough food for his closest 40 douchebags.

    you’re quiet on the outside, but inside you’re screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

    makes me wanna bring my own lunch.

    but that’s not gonna happen..

  28. says:

    *LOL* Great post, Kevin!

    Ving Rhames rocks!

  29. says:

    This is very amusing!

  30. says:

    [...] Hey Bob, you better put together a commercial with hot little Danica visiting MySweetHole.com so it can be turned down by the Super Bowl folks. And Bob?  Remove the earring! [...]

  31. says:

    [...] Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line, [...]

  32. says:

    Fuck cartoons… they wouldn’t hold me up in line delaying me jamming a roast beef sub into my mouth.

  33. says:

    If a genie was there I would have wished for this guy to explode.

  34. says:

    and i’m an idiot for not reading ahead first. well, i had solved the riddle of my idiocy long ago.

  35. says:

    *Cough* *Cough*

  36. says:

    Yeah I had to pick on him about something

  37. says:

    Liar… you are chugging a bottle right now

  38. says:

    we all need hobbies

  39. says:

    so you are going to avoid the hoops?

  40. says:

    I want to tip those people over and see if they really can’t walk

  41. says:

    He is the man

  42. says:

    No but I would ask him how his dogs are

  43. says:

    someone jumped the gun a bit

  44. says:

    One can only hope, now I have to start tivo’ing it

  45. says:

    fine we can call you a modern day pirate

  46. says:

    get the hell out

  47. says:

    I don’t know the french seem a lot cooler than some of the people I have dealt with

  48. says:

    No I am totally no board with that

  49. says:

    except with the hoop ears

  50. says:

    I would sign up for that

  51. says:

    his dogs are doing good. You know they didnt kill that guy after all – he died of a heart attack. After having two 200lbs mastiffs jump at him. al lthe bites where none fatal.

  52. says:

    god i hate my own grammer…whoops

  53. says:

    Ahhh…you’re such a tease

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