As a readership you have all totally failed me
To say I am disappointed in every single one of you (the five people besides family members that read this crap) would be an understatement.
In my last blog of 2006 I laid out a campaign for this year, something that we all could unite and get behind: the elimination of all left handers from the face of the earth.
If you need a refresher you can read it HERE.
I thought I had made it clear that lefties were the scourge of society and that we needed to unite and eliminate the left handed menace. Personally I thought I laid out compelling reasons for this to happen:
- No More Left Handed Desks
- No More “Deal or No Deal”
- No More Awkward Dinner Moments
- No More “Leftorium” References
- And… No More Fran Drescher
I come to you with a plan to better society and you know what I get? Complete and utter failure, a slap in the face, and a feeling of disappointment in all of you.
Why you ask? Well the answer was right on the front of Yahoo News this morning:
Number of Lefties Bounce Back
11% of the population is left handed, up from 3% from Victorian Times… I really believed that after my call for us to united against the lefties they would be down to 1% of the population at this point in the year but it just hasn’t happened.
I haven’t given up yet though, we can make a course correction and to be honest, you all owe it to me at this point. Here is what you can do:
Participate in “Lynch a Leftie Wednesday” – What better way to spend hump day with your friends than finding a left hander and smashing their hand with a baseball bat? Margaritas, drink umbrellas, and funny hats are totally optional.
Convert your local high school football field into a left hander camp- I watched “The Siege” this weekend and I saw how they were able to convert a stadium into a prison camp with some chain link fence and razor wire. You should be able to do it as well, sure this is going to put high school football season on hold but we all need to make sacrifices to make this happen. Think of this as a community project, you totally could get the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts to help.
Universal health care for all, except if you are left handed- In fact if you are left handed you can’t use the same health clinics that the rest of us use. If we can’t round you up and take care of you we can let disease finish the job.
Those are just a few things that can be done to help make this process go a little quicker. But now I leave it up to you, the people that have greatly disappointed me.
What are you going to do to make this up to me?
before i finish reading your blog post – which i will – i am a right handed person but i eat left handed. so, do i get wiped off the face of the planet or retrained to eat with only a spork/knife (the spork with the sharp edge down the side. stupid invention. “cut your mouth open while you eat!” yay!)
That’s the funniest shit I have ever heard about sporks… That should run in their new campaign don’t you think!?
You will need to be retrained
thank god, i wouldnt want to get caught eating on ‘lynch a leftie wednesday’
i’m pretty sure a spork is a combination of a fork and a spoon. not a knife and a spoon. but then again you could be right and common sense might not be all that common after all.
I am all about spending hump day smashing lefties with bats… I’ll unite with you – you crazy bastard!
I knew you would be on board for this!
Lynch a lefty wednesdays sound good to me! Nothing is worse than the awkward dinner moments. I find the way the fork needs to be held annoying!
Dont even get me started on the countless times I have heard how butter knives were clearly not designed for “lefties”
My brother in law is a lefty and it annoys the crap outta me!
See another reason to sign up for this
i think lefties are a creation of the devil.
i like the devil.
because he likes rock.
but i dont support lefties, the way that they write in binder books is just weird. and when writing on whiteboards, they rub the notes off behind them! (thats just funny)
Oh come on!! I am a lefty and you know, we are at least fun to laugh at!
Have you ever watched one of us try to use scissors? Or use a can opener?
We are only here for your amisement value…we mean no harm!…really…
Don’t try and save yourself
What about us that are ambidextrous? Am I supposed to lynch myself?
Sounds dirty
argh ive commented so much i should use an alias to disguise myself. but i have a request.
a blog on political correctness, ONLY in regard to “black boards” (now called green/chalk boards) or “white boards” (now called got knows what)
yeah, in my office I am constantly having to deal with paper clips placed on the upper righthand corner thanks to those lefty bastards, I’m in!!
My boss is left handed…I’ll be sure to bring a hammer in tomorrow
Are you advocating a genocide??
Advocate maybe a bit strong… I prefer to think of it as giving it a slight push
Go LEFT Power! We Lefty’s will rule the world! Deal with it!
Never…
I am left handed,to write and eat, all other things I do right-handed, does that mean what? I am only maimed?
My daughter uses both hands for different things, but I have to admit that everytime I see her use her left hand I ask her why she is doing it. She is only 6 by the way so she should be easy to change
Yeah time to get her no left hand Elmo for Christmas
I will admit to failure. I can’t remember seeing any lefties in the last nine months of this year to bump off. If I see one, I will immediately redirect my car to aim for them, just to rectify my lack of follow up on the project.
You better get your shit together
I’m sorry, my kid is ambi…. I can’t get behind you one this.
FREAKKKKKKK
I have seriously injured people for less…. be warned to never speak of my child this way again.
You are so luck I have you down as a future sex slave…..
Can we shank them with the lefty scissors and keep their names on a list on those left handed spiral notebooks?
I think that is the proper way to go about this
Hey! you can’t eliminate the lefties! I am one! Well…sorta. I can write with both hands..I’m ambidextrous..so does that still count? Either way, you can’t lynch me!
Maybe just electro shock your nipples
Lefties rule! Anytime I write anything in public, 2 or 3 people inevitably act amazed over the way I hold the pen. You wouldn’t want to take that source of fascination away from them, would you? Come on…
It is like watching a seal try and smoke a cigarette
(I have NO idea what that means either)
Oh what the hell, I’d still hit that.
You lost me
I cannot support this cause, as I am left handed.
Nice knowing you
We can’t kill all of the lefties. We’d have no art!
I am willing to go without, just so I won’t get stuck at a left handed desk
Are there really so many left-handed desks that you’d be stuck sitting at one? I tend to see about one for every 40 right-handed desks. In most classrooms, it’s a surprise if there’s even one at all.
Um. My daughter is left handed, so I’m out on this one.
And just so you know, I will go all zebra cake girl on you if you come after her. I’m just sayin’…
She is young, she can learn
Oh shit! I’m both. The only thing I do right handed is write, everything else I do is left handed. But, I totally support getting rid of Fran Drescher, can I be retained?
Fine I will let you slide
Karma will probably give you a left-handed kid some day. I’m just sayin.
And retarded
Sorry…lol
Step it up
Um…
I’m not lefthanded. But, uh, some of my best friends are… actually, I’ve never noticed.
Sorry to disappoint. I’ll send you some cookies.
Baked goods can totally get you out of doing this
I am a lefty. And I am proud of it. Well, I write, eat, bowl and shoot left handed. Everything else is usually right handed.
I am sad that you no longer want us on the planet. Do you know how traumatizing it is to read something like this after your birthday?? I don’t know how I am going to get through the day now!
Happy Birthday… You can live on as my concubine
YES! It has always been my dream to be someone’s concubine!
I write left handed (who am I kidding, I can’t remember the last time I actually used a pen) and I’m right handed at everything else. Does this get me on the lynching list or can I simply live peacefully among the rest of you as a mutant?
You would need to go to a reeducation camp like the parents in Red Dawn
Well I am left handed! atleast I write left handed – everything else I do w/ the right hand.i’m kind of odd…
well we already knew that
Gee Thanks!
I’m totally on board with this. I stole a pair of dressmaking scissors from school when I was 11 and when I got them home realized they were lefties. I got caught putting them back and had to do detention for a week.
Never mind the lack of artists – it’ll just give us mediocre righties more of a chance.
And as for all you ambidextrous whiners – pick a side and stick to it. You might want to pick the side that isn’t going to be annihilated, but I don’t really care.
I’m guessing you do a lot things left handed too. See your cause is an old one, a lot of us were corrected when we were younger to use the right hand, so now we use both hands.
You do know that lynch a lefie wednesday it going to start a trend of “free leftie” shirts and many others…
I got a hammer. Just tell me where to go
I write with my left but I am ambi- which means if someone attempts to smash the left with their right I will smash THIER right with my right. I still have a hand left to save me. I pitch with my right hand when I play softball or baseball and I can either bat from the right or left of thew home plate when playing the sport, so a right handed person would not win with me.
I’m a lefty…for writing.
I do everything else right handed.
You know, us leftys are the only people in our right minds.
hahaha….. thats really funny… about lefties in their right mind.
good one.
As always, I try to support you in all of your quests and campaigns. I find strength and humor in your words of wisdom. I gain direction and guidance in what you write and it’s meaning.
I recall your blog about the left handed population.
As a righty myself, I envied the students who were left handed at arts and craft time because they never had to wait for scissors.
I watched one confused but in awe as she stepped up to the plate in softball and stood on the other side- intimidating our team’s pitcher, and as a result costing us the game.
I remember picking up a toothbrush in a store designed for lefties, that had a thumb nook. A fucking thumb nook! How spectacular it must be to brush with such a fancy option.
However this was a blog I could not get behind or support.
My mother is a lefty. She suffered throughout her life with smearing her writing by dragging her hand across it- her hand would be stained for hours even days depending on the quality of ink and length of writing she had done! But enough about her- the real reason I can not support you ambush is my offspring.
Not the 6 month old……because I have yet to figure out which hand she will use, but Nicholas my nine year old.
When he was 4 my father noticed Nic was ambidextrous but favored the left hand. My dad insisted I should do all I could to insure Nic grow up to be right handed because his life would be easier and he’d be a far better functioning individual, and as a single mother I had already made his life incredibly difficult and unmanageable as it was. To see that he was right handed was the least I could do.
Of course I didn’t listen. In fact I bound up his right hand and only allowed him to use his left hand until he was 8 to spite my father (well, not really- but I supported Nicholas in his choice to be left handed and dismissed my father’s warning)
Perhaps my father had insight into a future of a world ruled by Kevin’s iron fist. A fist I often wish ruled over me myself.
My hubby’s left-handed, therefore my kids are half left-handed. Are you suggesting I should love them any less?!
He was born right-handed, but “converted” after a car door incident…does that help his cause?!
Even if both parents are lefties, there’s only a 26% chance that each of their kids will be one. (Ahhhh, the things you learn from a lefty trivia calendar…)
Do you realize there’s a theory that all left handed people were once a set of twins??
I thought it was cool…
Have you not been peeping in my windows? I have been sharpening the swords my husband has on display on the living room wall, ALL NIGHT. I practiced my marksmanship by de-tailing our cats, and you are disappointed? Hey, on a brighter note… most Prader-Willi diagnosed people are LEFT-HANDED. Isn’t that enough justice for you with lefties? Sheesh! (I’m a rightie, by the way).
I’ve done my part to rid the world of lefties. I don’t even remember how many I had killed this past year, just because of your request. It’s all for a good cause, I suppose.
I hope you can eventaully forgive us for dispappointing you so greatly.
My 4 year old is left handed…the only one in her class at school right now…should…i ask her teacher to put her in a special class?
what about ambidextrous people? Do you only think about lynching them but never actually proceed?
I’m left-handed.
I’m a lefty. Sigh.