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Little Debbie Zebra Cakes = Crack to a 9 Year Old

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/14/07 @ 5:24 am

I woke up this morning after going to the open mic last night with nothing to write about. I didn’t go on stage (I am going up next week) and I really didn’t want to rip on what I saw there. (Possibly the worst comedy ever) So I figured it would be a non-blogging day until I went to CNN.com and saw this gem.

Girl, 9, Threatens to Kill Classmate Over Zebra Cakes



Apparently what went down was one kid traded some Zebra Cakes for a bag of chips, the girl she was trading with decided that she wanted both and wrote the following note.

“The note said ‘I have a gun and first I’m going to shoot you in the shoulder,’” said Cindy Landfair, mother of the girl who was threatened.

From one nine-year-old girl to another, the note continued.

“…then you’re going to shoot me back with a bazooka, but you’re gonna miss…”

Cindy Landfair said a note to her daughter from a classmate at Southwood Elementary School went too far.

“…and then I’m going to shoot you back and kill you…” the note continued.

Holy shit… This has to make Little Debbie so proud. What’s next a 14 year old offering to blow someone for an oatmeal cream pie?

Of course there was a ton of outrage over this and the girl writing the notes was kicked out of the after school program she was in. Now the school district and the police are figuring out what to do about the girl wrote the note.

At first I was outraged by what was going on but then I thought about it for a second and went back to look at some of the notes I sent when I was little and realized that it might not be that bad. Here is a sample:

To: Rich who was hogging the Mr. Sketch Scented Markers


Rich, if you don’t immediately hand over the orange marker so I can get my fix I am coming over to your house tonight and gut your mother with these safety scissors… you cock monkey.

To: Shelly who took the last copy of Bunnicula from the library

Hey twat, I want that Bunnicula in my cubby by the end of the day or I am going to steal it and jam it so far up your ass that you’d wish you were a vampire bunny instead of a limp noodle bleeding from the ass.

To: Jason who ate all the paste

Listen here fat ass, I know the seven school lunches you had today was just a snack for you but because your gluttonous shit smelling self ate all the paste I can’t affix these fuzzy balls to my project. Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.”

In the end I guess everyone is blowing this out of proportion, this is just typical behavior from a nine year old.

What Little Debbie snack cake would you kill for?

Filed in: News

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

69 Responses to “Little Debbie Zebra Cakes = Crack to a 9 Year Old”

  1. says:

    I must admit, I too would kill for some Zebra Cakes.

  2. says:

    I think little debbie products are gross. There, I said it.

    • E. De Castro says:

      I totally agree with you. the products taste like crap. Each time I have tried those products I am always disappointed with the quality of the product. It always leaves me unfullfilled and saying that I would never buy another Little Debbie product.
      Well I gave in again a few days ago and bought Little Debbie Peanut Butter Cheese crackers. This is the one product that is barely and I mean barely passible. So that will be it for my purchases of any other Little Debbies snack products. I am just giving up. It does not matter if is a cake product with filling or brownies, they just taste like crap and hope this remark gets to their company.

  3. says:

    Hmmm, I’m a Hostess girl myself, but I think killing somebody falls under the what would I do for a Klondike Bar category. Hahaha, Bunnicula. Sorry, that made me laugh.

  4. says:

    I would stab someone for a Nutty Buddy.

  5. says:


    Oatmeal pies are great, but I would only kill for one if it involved my psychotic stalker and a high powered automated plunger.

  6. says:

    Hell, I’m 32 and might blow someone for an oatmeal cream pie.

    but not really

  7. says:

    I would kill a bitch for a twinky. Especially since I’ve been dieting.

  8. says:

    The peanut butter sticks.
    I would cut your nuts off and feed them to Andy Dick.
    I would give suck your dick and cut Andy Dick’s nuts off.
    I think I like that one better.

  9. says:

    I hate it when i don’t proof read…..

  10. says:

    Red Rover…Red Rover… Killing people for a Star Crunch time is over.

  11. says:

    You got that right. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

    And make sure you tell my arch nemesis Jeremy (when I was eight) to keep his hands off of Tiffany Mapes…playing house and shit. Tell him I’ll cut his balls off with construction paper if he does.

    Muchas Gracias.

  12. says:

    Man, What ever happened to plain o’l notes in school like “Do you like me: yes or no ?” or “I’ll show you mine if you show me your”, I miss that one the most.

  13. says:

    Awesome. I stumbled this because I think more people should be educated at the possiblities.

    For me it would be Swiss Rolls.

    I have to admit, I like how the kid gave the other child a chance to shoot back… with a bazooka.. but bad luck, she missed.


  14. says:

    The golden rule of all lunch times trades is that all trades are final after everyone agreed

  15. says:

    You just had to bring the Mr. Sketch Scented Markers up… didn’t yah…
    To this day I still don’t share mine!
    Okay over my dead body I would…
    Yah… maybe
    But even then it will be mighty difficult to get them out off my death grip
    I can totally relate

    *sniffles ahhh purple sniff sniff*
    now I feel better

  16. says:

    i wouldn’t kill for any little debbie cake, but i would’ve killed for a ho ho when i was 9. i’m still laughing that you wrote “pendejo.” too funny.

  17. says:

    I’m more amazed that a nine year old managed to spell “bazooka” right.

  18. says:

    I don’t know about Little Debbie…ask me what would I do for a Klondike bar!

  19. says:

    Fudge Rounds, no doubt.

  20. says:

    Oh for cryin’ out loud…..

    How soon we forget the vivid passions of childhood. Little bastards. =)

  21. says:

    i don’t know about everyone else, but i’d bust a cap in someone’s ass for a swiss roll

  22. says:

    I would definitely shoot someone if I had a bazooka. Dont fuck with my oatmeal cream pies.

    Is it wrong if I got turned on by the idea of rubbing oatmeal cream pies all over my body? Please say no.

  23. says:

    Pendejo…ha ha ha. Its been such a long time since I heard that one.

    Thanks Kevin…Thanks

  24. says:

    My mother, aunt, and I all make fun of one of our family members, Debbie, who didn’t get enough oxygen in the womb (true story) and as a result she’s really short and stocky (also has hardly any hair). To combat the fact that she’s about the ugliest person you’ll ever see, she tries to be really sweet and kind, but we know it’s all a facade and she’s the devil. We call her Little Miss SnackCake for the obvious reasons and she doesn’t know we do this.

    Btw, I LOVED those sniffy markers. I would SOO marry them.

  25. says:

    I broke my sisters wrist over a Swiss Cake Roll.

    Don’t get between a fat girl and her Little Debbie. That’s all I’m saying.

  26. says:

    I would kill of for Zebra Cakes. I’d kill for the good stuff of both Little Debbie and Hostess haha. Good thing I have a sword and soon a gun to fend of others who’d kill for them haha

  27. says:

    I would f*ck somebody up for a swiss roll….seriously

  28. says:

    What about those packaged single-serving fruit pies…those were my drug of choice in 3rd grade.

  29. says:

    But, couldn’t I trade my zebra cakes for some Thin Mints? Just one? I can handle it. Where is the little girl in the green skirt…

  30. says:

    Whilst I don’t indulge on any snacky cakes anymore, the last box of Twinkies I indulged on several years ago (thanks to my Mom buying them for me, perpetuating my former fat ass to remain nice and jiggly) was tainted with asbestos, and it wasn’t until I ate all 12 Twinkies that the recall and advisory hit the local news. I compared the codes on the box to the code on the news, and it was a match. So, someday I will be shitting asbestos pellets, and then I will have to go and hunt down the Jerry’s Kid who worked at the plant and beat his ass severely for a week.

  31. says:

    once, me and my friend were looking through a hole in a fence that just went into an empty paddock. this kid came up and said to stop looking through it or he’d get his friend who’s got scissors and “snip your noses off”.

    i have never gone a full week without laughing about that. and it was about a decade ago.

  32. says:

    Lmao, this is the funniest shit that you have written in the longest time. The part that you wrote about Jason the paste eater made me spit out my drink, lol. Anyway, much love to ya.


    ~*+*~ Carolina ~*+*~

  33. says:

    I hear they’re made from real zebras.

  34. says:

    The weird part is…I was Bunnicula for Halloween last year.

  35. says:


    Nutty Bars.

    Best. choco-pb fix. EVER.

  36. says:

    see. for me it was twinkies. little yellow submarines of creme filled tastegasms. honestly, if you withheld a box of twinkies from me, i would kill your entire family and make it look like an auto accident/suicide. damn those where like drugs for my 3rd grade fatass.

  37. says:

    Twinkies and half ‘n’ half. That’s all I can say.
    be back l8r, going down to the Circle K :)

  38. Chris says:

    Nothing beats Cosmic Brownies… I hung a kid upside down from the ceiling and slit his neck with a peice of constuction paper letting him bleed out over that shit back in the third grade.

  39. damian says:

    cosmic brownies and nutty bars are something i could castrate someone for.

  40. William Pendley says:

    I’m 83 years old and have ate Little Debbies seems like forever.
    Something has happened lately to your Zebra cakes.
    They are flatter than they used to be. What happened?
    I buy at least two boxes a week, and I’m not happy with the pressent Zebra cake.
    William Pendley
    3520 N.W. 40 Terr.
    Gainesville, Fl.

  41. says:

    I know, I don’t know if I can blame her

  42. says:

    But not Oatmeal Cream pies… say it ain’t so

  43. says:

    Little Debbie Fudge Rounds make an EXCELLENT fat and sugar delivery mechanism, but only when inebriated.

  44. says:

    I’d only maim for a Klondike Bar

  45. says:

    Sorry…. can we still hump or is the moment over?

  46. says:

    If you spread oatmeal cream pies all over your body I am in

  47. says:

    That will do it

  48. says:

    Wouldn’t we all? With a proper knife or a shank?

  49. says:

    nutty buddy=ice cream cone topped with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and peanuts

    Nutty BAR=wafer cookie, peanut butter, and chocolate.

    clearly, nutty bar wins here.

  50. says:

    that is quality equipment right there

  51. says:

    what is give suck? It sounds kinky

  52. says:

    You scare me

  53. says:

    Thanks for getting the reference. Paper cuts can be lethal

  54. says:

    I am big with the circle one of these notes

  55. says:

    Thanks for the stumble I appreciate it, I forgot about the swiss rolls, those aren’t too bad.

  56. says:

    I know right, how could she get in trouble when the other kid MISSED???

  57. says:

    I know… kids these days

  58. says:

    YOu would totally give up the black ones though… they blow

  59. says:

    A little lebowski reference goes a long way

  60. says:

    the only reason you like them because of the words “cream pie”

  61. says:

    I would just love to testify in court that the reason I killed someone was that I was acting out what I would do for a Klondike Bar. I think I wouldn’t get any time in the pokey, the judge would throw out the charges based on the total logic of the testimony.

  62. says:

    Pretty much

  63. says:

    A shank obviously. Made out of my toothbrush.

  64. says:

    what about the strawberry shortcake rolls-my personal favorite when i was 9

  65. says:

    You wrote and I quote: “they blow”
    mind starts wandering…
    what are we talking about again?
    Oh yes…
    I agree once more
    although blowing is my job ;)
    not that this needed clarification or anything
    I mean “everyone” knows that
    tshe he he

  66. says:

    And you call yourself a sophisticated redneck. Tsk tsk.

  67. says:

    i would just f**k them

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