I want to join a secret society
I was sitting in my apartment the other day feeling pretty damn good about myself. I have a job I like, I am getting my Masters, I have my own place, my dating life is healthy, my golf game is solid… but something crept up in the back of my head changing all that. I ended up realizing that my life is totally incomplete… No I don’t need a wife and kids or to own my own home. I have decided that I want to be in a secret society, no not that I want to be… I need to be.
Look at all the benefits you get:
You can be involved in powerful conspiracy theories- Right now the only conspiracy theory I can be actively involved in is who didn’t use the air freshener after they crapped at work. I would love to upgrade that into things that matter, like installing shadow governments or getting people barely literate elected.
I want to use a secret handshake and a password- Is there anything cooler than a secret handshake? I think not.
You can have deviant sexual acts behind masks without anyone knowing it is you- I’ve seen “Eyes Wide Shut”, you totally could bang a goat in a room full of your other secret society members and nobody would know it is you. They just see the mask and the cape and forget about it. Plus the next time you run into one of the guys out in public you know they can’t say anything because it is a secret society. So there will be no awkward, “Do you have any idea who the guy was banging the goat?”
(Note: My deviant sexual act of choice would not involve a goat, a llama yes… a goat no.)
What other benefits am I missing out on by not being in a secret society?
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On 09/10/07 at 4:41 am
said:
Unless you have a wooden leg or are hugely fat. Then all the other society members would just laugh at you for even trying to cover up the fact that you just banged a goat at the meeting when they all know it’s you.
“Dude, did you see Larry the other night?”
“Yeah, that was so totally worth it watching him trying to pretend it was someone ELSE with a wooden leg humpimg that poor goat.”
On 09/10/07 at 4:43 am
said:
Are you thinking of joining one or starting your own? Either way, I’m sure that you and your “unique” ways of looking at things would be a definite plus!
On 09/10/07 at 5:38 am
said:
Is it like the Midnight society?? That cool?
Remember that? where they would sit around the camp fire and freak each other out? Could be like that… I dunno… Good thought, good thought.
On 09/10/07 at 5:40 am
said:
Oooh, oooh, you would get to have a secret squirell name and find out stuff like who was on the grassy knoll and what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa. All of the secret societies know that kind of stuff. Oh, and you would get to have a car chase of some sort, because guys from secret societites are always involved in some cool kind of car chases…
On 09/10/07 at 6:17 am
said:
I would leave a long, thoughtful comment
about this post, but I have to go out and
make sure my llama is safely locked up in
the barn…
On 09/10/07 at 6:55 am
said:
Two things.
1. The sercet hand shake is hard to do after a nightr of deviant sex and alcohol.
2. The damn cape gets in the way and is hard to clean
On 09/10/07 at 6:56 am
said:
Secret societies are definitely worth joining. There’s nothing more satisfying than setting up a shadow government.
On 09/10/07 at 7:05 am
said:
I want to be the Minister of Silly Walks. Plus I want to solve the conspiracy theory on why you can’t lick your way to the center of a Tootsie Pop. I tried, and it just falls apart, an you have to chew it….it totally screws up that dumb commercial they had with the owl.
On 09/10/07 at 7:26 am
said:
I wanna join a secret society too!
On 09/10/07 at 8:40 am
said:
Speaking as a Freemason, I can neither confirm nor deny that we actually exist. But the dinners are fantastic.
On 09/10/07 at 10:57 am
said:
I swear to God we are always watching the same TV on the weekends. Did you happen to watch that program about the Free Masons on the History Channel? It made me want to join a secret society so I can rule the world with W. But I already am in a secret society, I’m in a sorority, so there. haha
You said your dating life is healthy, does that mean you have been scoring a crackwhore whenever you come out of a bar on Chippewa? You go, Kev.
On 09/10/07 at 11:30 am
said:
Sex with a llama? Eeeeewww. You know it will spit in ya face don’t you? But then…..so does a full blow up doll I guess.
You’re better off with a goat.
On 09/10/07 at 2:10 pm
said:
Well there, I didn’t take an extra time reading the other comments, though Im sure they were great!
I would think the ability to have someone “taken out” without and question or deception, that would be totally worth selling my soul to a sectret society……well whats left of it anyway…….hope we don’t all have to pay the same price. I’ll join you’re secret society. No oath though right?….i dont mind a secret handshake, cuz that would be cool, but remembering words……gotta draw the line somewhere.
On 09/10/07 at 3:46 pm
said:
if its the secret society in like “Eyes Wide Shut” then count me the fuck in!! hot naked women everywhere hell yea
On 09/10/07 at 7:30 pm
said:
Secret Societies also are the ones that drive the cool little mini cars in the parade. So you have that going for you too.
On 09/10/07 at 8:34 pm
said:
Go the LLAMA!
On 09/10/07 at 9:26 pm
said:
As Ritual Chair, I used to administer the secret handshake to my sorority sisters in college. Those bitches voted me “Most Likely to Become a Used Car Salesman” but I still thought the handshake gig was pretty cool.
On 04/23/08 at 11:57 am
Abdulmlaik said:
i think the hand shake is cool
On 06/12/08 at 7:35 am
Serge said:
I have joined society Secret Help, there there are no such rules.