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I want to join a secret society

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/10/07 @ 4:00 am

I was sitting in my apartment the other day feeling pretty damn good about myself. I have a job I like, I am getting my Masters, I have my own place, my dating life is healthy, my golf game is solid… but something crept up in the back of my head changing all that. I ended up realizing that my life is totally incomplete… No I don’t need a wife and kids or to own my own home. I have decided that I want to be in a secret society, no not that I want to be… I need to be.

Look at all the benefits you get:

conspiracy theory

You can be involved in powerful conspiracy theories- Right now the only conspiracy theory I can be actively involved in is who didn’t use the air freshener after they crapped at work. I would love to upgrade that into things that matter, like installing shadow governments or getting people barely literate elected.

secret handshake

I want to use a secret handshake and a password
- Is there anything cooler than a secret handshake? I think not.

eyes wide shut

You can have deviant sexual acts behind masks without anyone knowing it is you-
I’ve seen “Eyes Wide Shut”, you totally could bang a goat in a room full of your other secret society members and nobody would know it is you. They just see the mask and the cape and forget about it. Plus the next time you run into one of the guys out in public you know they can’t say anything because it is a secret society. So there will be no awkward, “Do you have any idea who the guy was banging the goat?”

(Note: My deviant sexual act of choice would not involve a goat, a llama yes… a goat no.)

What other benefits am I missing out on by not being in a secret society?

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

40 Responses to “I want to join a secret society”

  1. says:

    Unless you have a wooden leg or are hugely fat. Then all the other society members would just laugh at you for even trying to cover up the fact that you just banged a goat at the meeting when they all know it’s you.

    “Dude, did you see Larry the other night?”

    “Yeah, that was so totally worth it watching him trying to pretend it was someone ELSE with a wooden leg humpimg that poor goat.”

  2. says:

    Are you thinking of joining one or starting your own? Either way, I’m sure that you and your “unique” ways of looking at things would be a definite plus!

  3. says:

    Is it like the Midnight society?? That cool?
    Remember that? where they would sit around the camp fire and freak each other out? Could be like that… I dunno… Good thought, good thought.

  4. says:

    Oooh, oooh, you would get to have a secret squirell name and find out stuff like who was on the grassy knoll and what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa. All of the secret societies know that kind of stuff. Oh, and you would get to have a car chase of some sort, because guys from secret societites are always involved in some cool kind of car chases…

  5. says:

    I would leave a long, thoughtful comment
    about this post, but I have to go out and
    make sure my llama is safely locked up in
    the barn…

  6. says:

    Two things.

    1. The sercet hand shake is hard to do after a nightr of deviant sex and alcohol.

    2. The damn cape gets in the way and is hard to clean

  7. says:

    Secret societies are definitely worth joining. There’s nothing more satisfying than setting up a shadow government.

  8. says:

    I want to be the Minister of Silly Walks. Plus I want to solve the conspiracy theory on why you can’t lick your way to the center of a Tootsie Pop. I tried, and it just falls apart, an you have to chew it….it totally screws up that dumb commercial they had with the owl.

  9. says:

    I wanna join a secret society too!

  10. says:

    Speaking as a Freemason, I can neither confirm nor deny that we actually exist. But the dinners are fantastic.

  11. says:

    I swear to God we are always watching the same TV on the weekends. Did you happen to watch that program about the Free Masons on the History Channel? It made me want to join a secret society so I can rule the world with W. But I already am in a secret society, I’m in a sorority, so there. haha

    You said your dating life is healthy, does that mean you have been scoring a crackwhore whenever you come out of a bar on Chippewa? You go, Kev.

  12. says:

    Sex with a llama? Eeeeewww. You know it will spit in ya face don’t you? But then…..so does a full blow up doll I guess.
    You’re better off with a goat.

  13. says:

    Well there, I didn’t take an extra time reading the other comments, though Im sure they were great!
    I would think the ability to have someone “taken out” without and question or deception, that would be totally worth selling my soul to a sectret society……well whats left of it anyway…….hope we don’t all have to pay the same price. I’ll join you’re secret society. No oath though right?….i dont mind a secret handshake, cuz that would be cool, but remembering words……gotta draw the line somewhere.

  14. says:

    if its the secret society in like “Eyes Wide Shut” then count me the fuck in!! hot naked women everywhere hell yea

  15. says:

    Secret Societies also are the ones that drive the cool little mini cars in the parade. So you have that going for you too.

  16. says:

    Go the LLAMA!

  17. says:

    As Ritual Chair, I used to administer the secret handshake to my sorority sisters in college. Those bitches voted me “Most Likely to Become a Used Car Salesman” but I still thought the handshake gig was pretty cool.

  18. Abdulmlaik says:

    i think the hand shake is cool

  19. Serge says:

    I have joined society Secret Help, there there are no such rules.

  20. jjj says:

    what are benifit of joining

  21. Richiiiiiiiiii says:

    Hey can someone help me so that i can join secret cult? I need it i will be happy getting reply from someone who is already a menber. richwilla@hotmail.com

  22. Richiiiiiiiiii says:

    Please i will be waiting to get reply from someone

  23. Dude this is a humor blog… you aren’t going to get a reply

  24. Mike says:

    what will be my benefit after joining it.

  25. roger says:

    hi i need money with the secret society this moment

  26. Katie Machen says:

    Hi. I want to become a secret society member. What should I do? I want to cast spells on my husband and make him suffer for what he did to me. Please Help. Thanks

  27. randyo says:

    hello i will want to know more about the Illuminati and is it true that to become a member you are to have the PhD what if you are still young and want to get scholarship to enter in the Yale university heard it is impossible want to know.

  28. Mi-Me says:

    I want to join a secret society. I LOVE the fact that there are rituals, handshakes, and the sense of belonging.

    If there any secret societies out there, “I would LOVE to join. …Please contact me. :-)


  29. says:

    Then you would have to join an all fat one or one with all guys with wooden legs… Damn that is too much work

  30. says:

    I wouldn’t start my own, I mean I would have to find an old basement with a secret stone type room… Too much work

  31. says:

    This has to be much cooler

  32. says:

    As long as I don’t have to parallel park I will be fine

  33. says:

    Make sure you put some lipstick on it

  34. says:

    Yeah I forgot about the cape implications

  35. says:

    Talk about an expert

  36. says:

    Owls always lie… the hooters one always says delightfully tacky and unrefined… I just find them tacky

  37. says:

    Screw it… looks like i need to start one

  38. says:

    See… you guys even get good food… damn you

  39. says:

    Not that secret – you have bumber stickers that asy “to be one, ask one” butmaybe that is a classic misdirection – pretend to be open to all and then BAM! go all X-files on us.

  40. says:

    I thought you had spare rooms to use up. Decorate it well, and no one will know that it isn’t a basement…

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