I was sitting in my apartment the other day feeling pretty damn good about myself. I have a job I like, I am getting my Masters, I have my own place, my dating life is healthy, my golf game is solid… but something crept up in the back of my head changing all that. I ended up realizing that my life is totally incomplete… No I don’t need a wife and kids or to own my own home. I have decided that I want to be in a secret society, no not that I want to be… I need to be.
Look at all the benefits you get:
You can be involved in powerful conspiracy theories- Right now the only conspiracy theory I can be actively involved in is who didn’t use the air freshener after they crapped at work. I would love to upgrade that into things that matter, like installing shadow governments or getting people barely literate elected.
I want to use a secret handshake and a password- Is there anything cooler than a secret handshake? I think not.
You can have deviant sexual acts behind masks without anyone knowing it is you- I’ve seen “Eyes Wide Shut”, you totally could bang a goat in a room full of your other secret society members and nobody would know it is you. They just see the mask and the cape and forget about it. Plus the next time you run into one of the guys out in public you know they can’t say anything because it is a secret society. So there will be no awkward, “Do you have any idea who the guy was banging the goat?”
(Note: My deviant sexual act of choice would not involve a goat, a llama yes… a goat no.)
What other benefits am I missing out on by not being in a secret society?