How to get rid of your lesbian stalker
So I have a friend, for the sake of her privacy we will call her Jess. Recently Jess was talking to me about a situation in her life that she wanted advice on. And really who is better to get advice from than me? (You could insert at least 150 people you know here.) Basically Jess has a lesbian stalker, normally my advice would be, “Just hook up and film it.” However Jess didn’t think that was the best way to go. Instead she wants to compose a letter to her stalker explaining that they shouldn’t talk anymore, that is where I come in.
First let me have Jess give you some background:
Ok so there’s this gal, she and I knew each other in HS and she was bi-curious w/ me to say the least. She turned to drugs and booze and tried to feel me up while I was sleeping. Another time after that she attacked me in my room and my dad had to separate us and kicked her out.
We didn’t talk for ten yrs, she found me on myspace. I am in charge of reunions for my HS so I asked for contact info and in return she asked for mine, thinking nothing of it I gave it to her. Next thing I know I get a bouquet of flowers at work and then she sent me a dodgers jacket.
This week it culminated with a letter saying, “Next spring, you will receive three tickets in the mail. One will be an airline ticket to Miami. Two will be game tickets showing Marlins vs Dodgers. No vacation time necessary. Weekend trip. In and out. I will also be dragging you to a game when I go home next year. See you then.”
Here is my reply for Jess to her stalker.
Dear Sandra Bernhard Wannabe,
Listen, when you cyber-stalked me on myspace I gave you my contact information figuring that you have grown up and matured. Little did I know that you were still fist fucking yourself to my yearbook photo. Each time you send me something it gets a little weirder. While I thought about sending you back the Dodgers jacket, I declined to do so. All I could think about was you sniffing it like Dennis Hopper in “Blue Velvet”.
I tried to sidestep you and be gentle in regards to your continued pursuit of me but apparently that is not going to work. Let me make a few things clear:
- I like cock- There is nothing better than a good mushroom tattoo or getting man juice dropped all over my face. You don’t have the proper equipment to make my day.
- You are not attractive, even to a blind 55 year old virgin- Just thought I would point that out.
- The only thing I would let you tongue is- My toilet after I vomit from another unsolicited advance of yours.
So here is what you should do with the game tickets. Find a friend, preferably a large male, possibly a bouncer at a bar and take him to the game with you. Then find the highest point at Dolphin Stadium and climb to it. Once you reach the top hurl yourself off it, hopefully landing on Brad Penny or another piece of crap from the Dodgers.
Why bring the big guy you ask?
Just in case you get cold feet he can shove your fat ass to your death. See you in hell twat.
Please never talk to me again.
Jess
Anything we should add to that?
(And: The commenting system is now a lot more like MySpace, you can reply to the comment above yours, so my snappy smart ass remarks will make more sense now. The best thing is I got paid to fix it, long story.)
P.S. You can still totally send me presents but you can’t expect anything back, and you can’t get mad when I use the tickets to take a really hot guy to a game so I can get some from him later. And no, you can’t watch.
Anyway that’s what I would want to say to her…
Sounds good enough. Oddly enough, it sounds almost like what I said to the lesbian stalker I had in HS.
A bit harsh considering its over a Dodgers jacket and Marlins tickets. Now, if it were a Giants jacket, well…now that I think about it, Marlins tickets suck.
Well played.
PS. However, if you send me a plane ticket to Italy and I’ll send you my panties to sniff.
I think this was well played. Now if she gets the point, that’ll be another story. Tell your friend good luck and if she STILL doesn’t get it then maybe she could look into harassment charges? I dunno.
I think that letter just might scare the stalker into hiding for awhile. You never know though – she might be as dumb as a retarded fox and come back out of hiding and try to persue Jess again. How do I know this? I had a lesbian stalker at work one time and when I had to leave the job, due to an injury (I was a Nursing Assistant) that got me out of her sight for a bit. A friend of mine ran into her one day about three or four months ago and she was asking about me. She wanted my phone number and wanted to know what I was doing, if i was still single, etc.. Lucky for me my friend told her that I got married and moved away, and it shut the girl up. So I know what Jess is facing, and hopefully that chick will leave her alone.
Hm, I like it. Subtle, yet honest. However, I think it’s too much trouble. I would send the bitch a post-it saying: “Step off bitch. I’m straight, and you couldn’t get me off with a vibrating dildo made from a model of Ron Jeremy’s penis.” Then sign off with a little “*flips you off*”
FUCK YEAH! Now I can moderate the “First” shit again if they ever start back up! lol
Okay, quite harsh, but amusing. Site definitely added to my ‘StumbleUpon’ list. Another site offering a similar vicarious entertainment factor is: HadToSay.com. Take a peek.
Am I the only one thinking she could hock the unwanted stuff on ebay, take the flight to Miami, Tazer the bitch and leave her in the ladies toilet and live large in Florida for a fun weekend? She’d have spending cash and a cool mini-vacation all courtesy of Mz Scary.
Oh my. I am happy to say that nothing close to that has ever happened to me.
Yikes.
I know Jess and she let the lezbot down easy but kept the jacket cuz it’s dope and she felt she earned it after all the bullshit.
So far, no contact… but I don’t think Jess is confident enough to say this story is over…
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I have a lesbian stalker on MySpace and quite frankly her comments are freaking me out…deleting them doesn’t seem to stop her DESPITE the fact that I’ve REPEATEDLY said ‘i ain’t gay!’ I actually had to change where I live to avoid any unnecessary ‘chance’ encounters.
hopefully this last attempt will finally get into her thick skull.
Just commenting again on this cool thing
what the hell do i have to do to get my damn pic to show up?
If this really is happening to your friend Jess, then I say the letter is too harsh. The Lesbian Stalker already has issues and Jess doesn’t have to be part of them. Have her write something small, like, I have a great boyfriend, been with him several years, and personally the penis is what I want to stay with. Please don’t send me flowers, etc…my boyfriend just gets jealious and wants to screw more and more. See you at the reunion and hopefully you find what you are searching for, vagina’s are not my cup of tea.
Respectfully, JESS
Susan
…i wish i had a lesbian stalker to give me cool stuff…
i had this online worshipper who offered to do my homework but that was pretty much it…
Uh, I think I recognize the pictorial that the pic you used is from. Wait, did I just say that?
Watching makes it all better so she doesn’t feel like she is being used.
What the fisting part?
Marlins tickets is like taking a date to the dollar movies
I think you have a future as a mediator.
Panties are worth a ticket to Italy, and she doesn’t have to know I stole them from the laundromat. I’d dry hump the dyke for a trip to Australia through the Pacific Islands…..
where do you draw the line
“line”?
Yes, but still cheaper than taking a date to Chuck E. Cheese.
Hell isn’t that where you are supposed to pick them up
I forgot who I was talking to
I think a car bomb would be the next step
What is the deal with lesbian stalkers? Is it like a required event all women need to go through?
A Ron Jeremy reference goes a long way
There you go… I think it might need to happen
It better…haha
I’ll check it out
Woo, I guess that.
I wish I had a stalker…haha jk
It’s like you’re the one doing the stalking right not Jimmy….