2007 September | Pointless Banter

Archive for September, 2007

Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line,

Published by Kevin on September 27, 2007 in My Life. 53 Comments

Dear Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line,

Dude, we need to talk. Before I make a few points I have to ask you some questions so please be patient.

Pirate

1) Are you a pirate? Do you rape and pillage, sailing the seas looking for booty? I don’t think you are because you don’t have an eye patch, peg leg, or a hook for a hand. Nor is their any visible signs that you have had a parrot on your shoulder.

2) Are you a wrestler? Do you fake fight for a living? I kind of doubt it because you aren’t that big and I didn’t see any needles hanging from your ass from where you inject steroids.

3) Are you a biker? Do you ride a hog? Judging by the crappy ass retail store shirt you were wearing and the worn out loafers I have to doubt the idea of you owning a hog.

Ving Rhames

4) Are you Ving Rhames? You aren’t black and I don’t remember you playing Marsellus Wallace, so I don’t think you are him.

Well if you answered no to all of these questions then let me tell you something.

REMOVE THE HOOP EARRINGS FROM YOUR EAR.

You can’t shave your head and have hoop earrings unless you are the following: a pirate, a wrestler, a biker, or Ving Rhames. For anyone else it is totally unacceptable, in fact I am offended that you were wearing them. If I didn’t have a sub sandwich and an Arizona Ice Tea in my hand I would have gone up and yanked them out of your ear. But since that required me to bend down and place my awesome roast beef sub from Wegmans on the ground I decided against it.

Also for future reference, just because they have a checkout stand in the sub shop in the grocery store doesn’t mean you can bring 20 items for them to ring you out. When everyone else is in line behind you just with a sub and a drink and you are ringing out an entire basket of stuff it is a dick move. You know how you can tell it is a dick move?

Remember when you went to put your basket down there was no place to put it? You had a look of utter befuddlement because it isn’t a normal register, it is the sub shop register for people buying subs not your personal checkout because you were too fucking lazy to buy your groceries after you purchased your sub or brought your bags with you to buy your sub. They don’t have a place for you to put the basket because it isn’t socially accepted. Have some respect for your fellow man and let them buy their tasty subs so they can get back to work. When you pull this shit during the lunchtime rush it makes me want to grab that bag of apples in your hand and individually shove each and everyone one of them up your ass using that bottle of Tabasco sauce as lube.

Make these changes in your life Bald Man Ahead of Me in Line and we will all be better of for it.

Thanks
Kevin

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Wait Can I Just Switch Tables?

Published by Kevin on September 26, 2007 in Dating. 32 Comments

Sometimes in life you run into a situation where you begin to size everything up and want a do over. On a recent date I was out with a girl and I couldn’t help but notice a couple at a table next to us. The girl was really attractive and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Since it was my first date with the girl I was with I didn’t feel that bad about focusing my attention on the table I wanted to be at. However, I still felt kind of bad like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to.

As the girl I was with was babbling on about something that I really didn’t have interest in, I couldn’t help but wonder what the conversation over there would have been like. I have a feeling that maybe we would have been talking about why Gary Coleman is a modern day prophet. Or if I lived in Utah I would totally join a weird Mormon sect just so I could wear those crazy prairie clothes. Of course she would point out to me that I didn’t have to be in a Mormon sect to wear those clothes, which would piss me off because it would ruin the joke and then I would sit there secretly hating her for the rest of the night.

prairie clothes

Anyways…

(I’m still pissed she ruined my joke about prairie clothes… what a bitch.)

After a few minutes their food came out to the table and it looked awesome. It was shortly followed by our food which paled in comparison. It was like pouring salt on an open wound and then urinating on it… I felt really jealous, like I was getting the short end of the stick.

The whole food thing was the final straw for me mentally, I just imagined how the rest of their night would go as compared to how mine would go. I will bet you anything that they waiter messed up on their bill and only charged them like ten bucks for the magnificent feast they had. Then he probably realized what he did and double charged me in order for everything to even out for him. On their way back to his apartment, which I am sure was a short walk with no homeless people accosting them, they ran into an attractive blond girl that asked if they wanted to come into her apartment for a night of unrestrained group sex with her bored model friends. Then I figured when we left I would get mugged by a gang of mange ridden homeless guys that would let my date go but drag me into the alley shove random items from the dumpster into my anus.

I totally wish I could have switched tables.

Have you ever wished you could have been at another table?

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Reason Number 1 and 2 of Why Grad School is Bullshit

Published by Kevin on September 25, 2007 in Education. 29 Comments

I decided to start a series giving you reasons why Graduate School is total bullshit… So far I have come up with a few different reasons and I wanted to highlight a couple of them today.

REASON 1: People are full of shit

I have a seminar where people come in and talk about what they are studying for a thesis or for their doctoral program. Basically if you can give a shred of a reason why you are studying something you are allowed to pursue it. On Thursday we had someone that was studying Walter Benjamin, she is taking his works and creating different digital art in as her response to some of his pieces.

For those of you who don’t know who Walter Benjamin is I can some up his entire life for you in one sentence. Born to a rich Jewish family (so he never had a real job because he was rich not because he was Jewish), spent his life studying at different universities, smoked a shit ton of hashish, wrote a lot about different things, and then killed himself when the Nazis took all his books. The woman presenting her thoughts on Benjamin basically touted him as a genius and that he was rooted in her soul… she went on to use really big words and fawned over him. In fact the more she talked about him the more I thought she was going to take my pen out of my hand and do nasty things with it, in fact if that happened it would have totally saved the lecture.

At one point she handed out some photo copies of his “essential” readings. One of the readings were his observations while on hashish, she pointed to one quote and basically wet herself over it. Here is the quote:

“Oven turns into cat. The word ‘ginger’ is uttered and suddenly in place of the desk there is a fruit stand, in which I immediately recognize the desk.”

She touted it as being poetic and totally genius. I have to disagree, because when I read that all I could think about was “Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise” where Ogre smoked a ton of weed and said:

“What if d-o-g was spelled c-a-t?”

So I guess Ogre is the modern day Walter Benjamin?

ogre

REASON NUMBER 2: I can write papers about…

Craigslist hookers… Yup, I just wrote a seven page paper about how prostitutes use modern technology from social networking sites to craiglist and the community that revolves around these sites. While some people would call it trashy or disgusting, I get to call it revolutionary, the best part is I get to cite my own website for a few of my quotes. I can’t wait for my spring paper where I write on why bukkake is going to usher in a new era of sex.

What do you think is total bullshit about school?

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Well I Feel Like a Pedophile Now

Published by Kevin on September 24, 2007 in My Life. 40 Comments

A few weeks back I went to a second hand store to look for random things for my apartment. There really wasn’t anything worth buying, well except for an old washboard to hang in my bathroom. I was getting ready to leave when I discovered the best two items ever for .50 each, which I quickly grabbed and almost ran to the front of the store to purchase.

Mary Kate and Ashley

Now I should kind of explain why this is the greatest purchase ever. I have a friend that I lived with for a few years that would essentially come home from work and watch reruns of “Full House” while partaking in his herbal hobby. Personally I just didn’t get it, I think “Full House” is one of the worst shows ever on television, in fact I would go as far as saying that anything that was on TGIF on ABC was total shit. Did the weed make it funny? I couldn’t figure out why this became his routine.

So one day I asked him why he watched it and his answer was… (in a joking manner)

“I am trying to pinpoint the exact point when you could tell that the Olsen twins were going to be hot.”

That opened up the flood gates, because after that he got Olsen twins calenders for gifts, t-shirts, any magazine with them on the cover, and various other trinkets. It just became a running joke that would creep out pretty much anyone that came into contact with us. Things get uncomfortable when you are shopping in the mall with your girlfriend and say things like, “Wait, I gotta run and see if the new Olsen girls calender is out.”

Since I moved away the Olsen girls joke just kind of puttered out and finding these at a second hand store is going to rekindle it.

Anyways, back to the whole purchasing thing. I made my way up front to check out and the cashier looked at me, then at the tapes, then at me.

Cashier: So you have kids?
Me: No.
Cashier: Oh… um…. oooooookay

I really didn’t put together how uncomfortable that really was until I left. It hit me that she probably totally thinks that I am a creepy pedophile or something. I debated going back and explaining why I was buying it but thought better of it. Instead I decided to rush home and wrap my new purchase for a friend… And paint a sign on the side of my car that says, “Follow me for free puppies and kittens.”

Do you have a running joke with someone that people might find creepy?

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Hey Big Lots… Did You Learn Your Lesson?

Published by Kevin on September 20, 2007 in Current Affairs. 53 Comments

On Monday I brought the ruckus against Big Lots and yesterday I showed the power of my blog.

A plane crashed in Chattanooga on Wednesday (everyone survived) in a retail parking lot, which ended up causing a massive traffic snarl last night and this morning. Guess what retail store is like a block away?

That is right… Big Lots.

So apparently my aim was a tad bit off, but I would like to take full credit for this. See what happens when you mess with a bull Big Lots? You get the horns. (insert other random cliches here)

I guess this serves warning to anyone that crosses me now or in the future.

Who would you like me to take out for you? I am pretty sure I can have your boss get the flu or at least the runs.

Also here is the local commercial I am in… Yeah, I am huge in Buffalo… blech.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib–3L4XiOg[/video]

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I wish I was a black teen in the 1990s

Published by Kevin on September 19, 2007 in Pop Culture. 51 Comments

Once and awhile I will sit down and ponder in what area and era would I want to live in. I always thought I would love to live in Post World War 2 New York City, it just seemed like a fun time to live for some reason, well except for the chain smoking.

Over the years I have decided that maybe I was wrong. That maybe I really wish I could live as a black teen in the 1990s. Now I know some people are out there saying, “Why the hell would you want to do that?”

It is very simple there are three key reasons which I base off of movies from the 90s. Since I grew up in a town that had two kids of African American descent this is the only way I could come to these assumptions. And honestly, when do crappie movies steer you wrong?

1) Colorful Clothing-

hip hop clothing

I feel my wardrobe is way to drab, living as a black teen in the 90s I would totally be able to wear whatever bright color I wanted. Well except if it is blue or read if I lived in LA. Honestly I really just want an excuse to shop at the Chess King. (If you got that reference you are really old.)

2) I Would Get to Have Sex with Tisha Campbell-

Tisha Campbell

Apparently if you were a teenager in the 90s and black you automatically got to have sex with Tisha Campbell. I don’t know if they flew her around in an airplane to every major city and had to ice her vagina overnight but if you were in a movie during that time period Tisha Campbell was the girl you were banging.

3) I Could Dance Like Kid N Play-

I didn’t know that all house parties in the 90s ended in a dance off where you could do cool moves like this:

[video]http://youtube.com/watch?v=UFSyBBglmpI[/video]

Before the dance off became the only way to settle disputes among African American youths it was just a way to cap off a house party, the pressure was a lot less on the kids back them. They weren’t getting served or shit like that.

So as you can see if I could choose to live anywhere during anytime I would be a black teen in the 90s…

If you could choose any time and place you could live, when and where would it be?

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I wasn’t going to post today but…