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Aug
29

Would I Have Sex with a Post Gastric Bypass Star Jones

By: Bobby Finstock on 08/29/07 @ 3:24 am

As I stated before the most frequently asked question I get as a blogger is would I have sex with Sarah McLachlan? Which I answered before. The second most frequently asked question I get asked is… would I have sex with a post gastric bypass Star Jones.

star_jones

After creating my “thought process” chart on the wall which includes a “parking lot” for any ideas that need to be discussed I have determined that…… No I would not have sex with Star Jones. In my previous post about Sarah McLachlan one of the deciding factors was that she was female. For Star Jones that was the only thing she had going for her.

Lets take a look at my logic here and the reasons why I said no.

1) She is black- Now before everyone out there begins to think I am a racist or something let me state for the record my penis does not discriminate, well neither does the rest of me for that matter. But I have always read two things about sleeping with African American women:

Once you go black you never go back- That sounds like a pretty big risk to me. You know how they say you can get addicted to crack the first time you try it, is this like the same thing? Will I be feigning for black vagina 24-7? Will I be blowing guys in a bathroom to get money to get black vagina? What is the cut off point? This just seems to risky to me.

The darker the berry the sweeter the juice- I just can’t see her juice being sweet, in fact I would go out on a limb and say it tastes like prune juice or stale underarm deodorant.

If I am going to sleep with a black celebrity it would have to be Shar Jackson, just so she can compare me to Kevin Federline and we can answer the question once and for all… which Kevin is better in bed.

2) She touched Lil Jon- If you have shaken hands with, hugged, or been within five feet of the following people: Lil Jon, Kid Rock, Fred Durst, James Woods, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, or anyone that played for the 1986 New York Mets you need automatically have a raging case of a mystery VD. Sorry Star but I like having everything attached to my body.

3) I an concerned about the excess flab- Is it all gone or is she going to take off her shirt and look like a saggy chested Jack Nicholson? (Picture from Donkeysosa.com)

Jack_Nicholson

4) She might talk- And that honestly is just a deal breaker for me.

So there you have it, I have laid out a very logical argument on why I wouldn’t sleep with Star Jones.

Agree or disagree?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

24 Responses to “Would I Have Sex with a Post Gastric Bypass Star Jones”

  1. says:

    I agree – the whole “she might talk” is a deal breaker for me.

    In fact that is the reason I decided to stop taking young waitresses from Hooters to my love shack (a/k/a the back seat of my AMC Gremlin). Sure they are all cute and bouncey – but damn the post-coital discussions of geo-politics is lacking.

  2. says:

    I think she was hotter fat.

    Surely the “she might talk” would be a deal breaker for pretty much any female? And I thought I knew you Kevin. *sob*

  3. says:

    [quote comment="4874"]I think she was hotter fat.

    Surely the “she might talk” would be a deal breaker for pretty much any female? And I thought I knew you Kevin. *sob*[/quote]

    No just her and: Joan River, Rosie O’Donnell, Joey Lauren Adams

  4. says:

    [quote comment="4872"]I agree – the whole “she might talk” is a deal breaker for me.

    In fact that is the reason I decided to stop taking young waitresses from Hooters to my love shack (a/k/a the back seat of my AMC Gremlin). Sure they are all cute and bouncey – but damn the post-coital discussions of geo-politics is lacking.[/quote]

    What is this talking thing?

  5. says:

    I would imagine Star Jones’ orgasm face would scare -well- pretty much anyone. The only upside would be that sex with her would allow you to copy the scene in “Kingpin” where Woody Harrellson pays his rent.

  6. says:

    I don’t even think her husband goes there. And I’m not quite sure she has lady parts, I think it might be that giant monster hole from Star Wars, you know, the one Jabba the Hut was having people thrown down…

  7. says:

    You have no idea how hard I laughed and how disgusted I was by the stale underarm deodorant part. That is NOT a visual I need while eating breakfast, thank you.

    And I agree, the “no talking” thing would be a deal breaker for me if I were a guy. She’s just annoying, period.

  8. says:

    The talking part would be a deal breaker. She was much prettier and healthier looking with more weight on her. Maybe not ALL of it, but she just looks weird now.

    Lil Jon does look like he has a raging case of crotch rot.

  9. says:

    kevin, may i say “i don’t think so, tim!”

  10. says:

    Yeah, um. What HAS happened to her face after the bypass? Did they suck part of that out as well. She looks like beetlejuice to me now – gross! Her husband must be like, ‘yo, betoch, that ain’t the face I signed up for, now eat for daddy…’

  11. says:

    She looks like a troll. Set her up with Pants Troll!

  12. says:

    I’m sorry, but does no one else see the resemblance between her and Nicole Richie? They both have the Sesame Street “googly eyes”.

  13. says:

    As a raging and flaming homosexual,I stand a pretty good chance of having boinked her already! (Al’s a glass of chablis away from making out with Burt reynold’s hairpiece.)

  14. says:

    [quote comment="4886"]I’m sorry, but does no one else see the resemblance between her and Nicole Richie? They both have the Sesame Street “googly eyes”.[/quote]

    My thoughts exactly, but I’m not sure the kiddies would take to her very well. She’s not very marketable.

    Am I the only one who thinks she looked friendlier when she was a house? Maybe I’m just on crack. Feel free to smack me. Anyone.

  15. says:

    So… you could have just said “No I wouldn’t fuck her because bitch is UGLY” and I would have been ok w/ it.

  16. says:

    I totally agree with you. There’s no way i’d ever sleep with her, or even look at her if i can avoid it. And those Jack pics killed any feelings i had for him.

  17. says:

    Ewwww… gross.. I much preferred her when she was big and proud of it! What happened to all that big woman power? I guess she succumbed to Hollywood.. She looks dead awful…

    there’s this shirt that a friend used to wear

    “Please don’t feed the models”

    but it should be changed to

    Please feed Star Jones

  18. says:

    She looks horrible, but please dont get turned off by the “once you go black, you never go back” phrase because I want to show u why you’ll never go back..lmao haha

    But anyway back to Star, I liked her when she was bigger too, she looks really crappy. She was more sassy as a big girl. Now shes just rude. Oh well….

  19. says:

    I agree, she looked WAY better fatter. Now, she just looks sickly. I wish she realize that she lost her “power.” Hollywood like the too skinny girls, way? Because they “look” like they lack POWER. Seems that Hollywood is afraid of women of power — hmmm, I wonder why?

  20. says:

    I am with you all the way, although, she has a horse mouth mug so I would be curious to know if she would let out a “nay” during sex……I guess this is something I’ll have to find out for myself or find someone up to the challenge, nay, I mean trauma.

  21. says:

    When will people realize that being skinny doesn’t automatically make you attractive. It’s quite possible to be an ugly, thin person.

    Also, your description of Star Jones’ juice is going to haunt my nightmares.

  22. says:

    Is Jack REALLY eating a Subway sandwich? He looks like the ‘before’ picture of Jared. I smell a new ad campaign.

  23. says:

    come one kevin, if you HAVE to show us some boobs, why would you choose jack nicholson of all poeple? that’s just unnessacery & rather uncalled for. NAS-TAY!

  24. says:

    wow, i never noticed. ha! they’re twinkies!

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