"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


Karaoke Can Lead to Assault

By: Bobby Finstock on 08/14/07 @ 4:36 am

This could possibly be the single greatest news story I have ever read.

A 21 year old spitfire that the article described as a “little hippie girl” went totally insane and assaulted a karaoke singer when they got on to the stage to sing Coldplay’s “Yellow”. From the article:

As soon as the man on stage started singing about the stars in his
best Chris Martin impersonation, the woman reportedly said: “Oh, no,
not that song. I can’t stand that song!”

Witnesses said her distaste for Coldplay quickly took a violent
turn, and she leaped at the would-be crooner, shouting expletives and
telling him that his singing “sucked,” while expressing the same
opinion of the song, according to a Seattle police report.

When she got outside she punched a few people in the face and head butted a police officer. You would figure that this girl was hammered or something right? Nope according to the article she had one shot of Jagaermeister.

This got me thinking though, what songs could potentially make me do this?

1) Limp Bizkit- Nookie

I have seen this song performed one time at karaoke and it almost made me walk out of the bar. All I can think about is Fred Durst masturbating to pictures Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears when I hear this song. (Good luck at getting that vision out of your head next time you hear that song.)


2) Led Zeppelin- Stairway to Heaven

There should be a law that says you can’t do a Karaoke song if it is over 4 minutes long. Anything longer than that is purely self indulgent and totally unneeded, pretty much like 45% of this song.

Random note: Did you know that Tevin Campbell has a greatest hits album? Neither did I….

3) The Charlie Daniels Band- The Devil Went Down to Georgia

My distaste for this song cannot be put into words. This picture sums it up:


4) Anything by Culture Club

For some reason this just makes everything uncomfortable, like people aren’t sure what to say or act when someone whips out Culture Club. The bar becomes dead silent and everyone is afraid to look at anyone of the same gender without a little bit of discomfort. The ice is eventually broken by someone cracking a Boy George and thirty pounds of coke joke.

What karaoke song would make you potentially assault the singer and then head butt police?

Filed in: News

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

39 Responses to “Karaoke Can Lead to Assault”

  1. says:

    thanks for killing Durst’s nookie.

    Anything from Seal would make me throw down.

  2. says:

    I worked in a bar that did karaoke twice a week….. if i have to hear that damned titanic song ever again I’ll kill someone.

  3. says:

    Anything by Garth Brooks would make me punch the singer right in the face

  4. says:

    YMCA – I used to have to dance to that song whenever it came on at the bar where I waitressed.

  5. says:

    I think karaoke should be banned at bars altogether, but if that didn’t happen white guys doing any rap song, this includes Vanilla Ice, Snow and Eminem.

  6. says:

    rock lobster. when i bartended there was a man who insisted on singing it atleast twice every night we had karaoke. i shudder now, years later, just thinking about it.

  7. says:

    That damn Ozzy Osbourne/Lita Ford tune. Get a man and a woman with ripped stone washed jeans, LA Gear high tops and a bottle of hairspray in a bar and that’s who they think they are. Poorly done, of course.

  8. says:

    “We Are Family” or “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
    Usually performed by drunk girls who think they sounds soo good and are trying to put on their best game.
    FUck that. Fuck those songs. Karaoke or not, Can’t stand them. They were OK when they were first out in the 70’s/80’s.

  9. says:

    any sublime song makes me want to headbutt the whole police force. and thinking back to all of the drunken karaoke i have done, i should have been assaulted several times. the worst was when me and a bunch of tatted up girls did the spice girls “if you wanna be my lover.” all we pretty much did was scream off tune, “so tell me whatcha want whatcha really really want” over and over. we deserved to die.

  10. says:

    Hearing The B-52’s “Love Shack” at a karaoke bar makes me want to take a hostage.

    “I Will Survive” is another doozy. (While it may be the gay National Anthem, I hardly need to witness another drunken tranny declaring its independance by putting the “gay” in Gloria Gaynor.)

    Screeching out “Bohemian Rhapsody” with your buddies is an excellent way to provoke me into an inappropriate use of a rusty iron rod.

    Anything by Jimmy Buffet or Meatloaf being croaked out in a karaoke bar is grounds for an ass-whoopin’ as well.

  11. says:

    “I’ll Be There for You” by the Rembrandts. I heard the song enough when my roommate watched “Friends” reruns. It would make me stab someone repeatedly with a rusty butter knife.

  12. says:

    After seeing P.C.U., if anyone sings Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band could lead me to take violent actions. Heck, the song itself would be enough…well that and mmmBop.

  13. says:

    The one song that brings out that kind of response here in Portland is “American Pie,” because it’s so long. The regular Karaoke stars don’t want to give up that much stage time, and they won’t wait for you to finish. They are very territorial.

  14. says:

    LOVE SHACK!@!!! I will kill a group of dorks if I hear it again. This comes from living in New Orleans and at a young age only being able to slip into the cats meow…it should be “the cat’s meow, home of dorks doing LUV SHACK”.

  15. says:

    allman brothers – “jessica”

  16. says:

    Anything by Shania Twain. Okay, I’m not really a fan of country music. And I love Canadians, but anytime they try to do country it makes me cringe. Let’s throw a steel guitar into a pop band and call it country. And while we’re at it, let’s throw in bad grammar and really fake sass. As you can see, her songs don’t impress me much. Please people, don’t sing Shania in public anywhere! Thanks.

    Tevin Campbell? Really?

    Ha ha, when I finished reading this I had a horrible image of a really bad movie in my head. Why Adam Sandler? Why?

  17. says:

    I was at a place with a friend who is a REALLY beautiful woman, and the Karaoke Master was doing a poor job of hitting on her all night long. He kept goading her to sing, calling her a chicken, etc. He eventually said that if he didn’t have a tune she wanted to sing, HE would go ahead and do any tune she wanted him to. She asked if he had the “Every Valley Shall Be Exalted” aria from Handel’s Messiah. He reneged on his agreement and didn’t talk to her the rest of the night.

  18. says:

    I do Karaoke for a living, own the stuff, run the shows and it is interesting. Anything by Meatloaf is bad, especially the 8 minute songs. The absolute worst a. because nobody can actually sing it well and b. it is way too long for karaoke and c. it’s really a downer to listen to is Gordon Lightfoot, Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Somebody always has to belt it out and it is irritating!

  19. says:

    hahaha, Yes- I can relate. I am a member of the San Francisco Karaoke Mafia; we take over every karaoke bar we enter by force. We are part of the Family headed by the Godfather Glenny Kravitz. We have a lot of fun, and if you can’t sing, make sure you bring it and we will love and support you forever.

    All that being said I would rather be stabbed in the eye than hear another rendition of Madonna’s Holiday, Like A Virgin, or basically any Madonna song. Put down your beer and stop the insanity. Please don’t sing any long ass song like “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Staiway to Heaven” or “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”. Kill yourself. And for the love of God I have heard “Don’t chew want me bay-bee” enough in this lifetime.

    So I understand her compulsion for violence.

  20. says:

    AMEN on “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” I want to throw my glass at anyone who sings that crap song. I can’t even listen to the REAL version of the song, it’s been so ruined. Some more: “Turn the Page” by Bob Seger, “Enter Sandman” by Metallica, “Because I Got High” by Afroman, “Aqualung” by Jethro Tull, or “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls are all guaranteed bathroom breaks. (The last one mainly because I don’t want to hear ugly drunk chicks moaning on the mic…)

    I’m only 22 but I have been doing karaoke since about 16 or so, so I know all too well the songs that annoy the crap out of me.

  21. says:

    “Rocky Top”. Yes, I’m talking about THAT “Rocky Top”. UGH! I realize I live in hee haw hell, but come ON…

    Ohhh and “Does He Love You”….or whatever it’s called…it’s the Reba McEntire duet with the one chick….GAWD..the song itself makes my ears bleed but when drunk women belt it out…uh wow…

  22. says:

    [quote comment="4432"]allman brothers – “jessica”[/quote]

    There aren’t any lyrics to that, are there?

  23. says:

    I agree! Any song longer than 4 minutes makes even me want to toss a glass at the “singer”….Anything too twangy grates on me too…I think Margaritaville might make me violent…hmmm…we all have our limits! :)

  24. says:

    I think Fred Durst is singing karaoke these days.

  25. says:

    I really don’t like karaoke at all. Anything sung out of key will make me throw things.

    That said, I HAVE heard decent versions of Stairway To Heaven, but not often.

    Piano Man is one that tends to make me throw things. Especially when the “singers” start over emphasizing the phrasing. Aaaaah!!

  26. says:

    Easy. ‘What’s Going On?’ by Four Non-Blondes. I HATED the song. I HATE anyone who sings it…ever.

  27. says:

    I go to kareoke every now and then….people who sing Creed songs drive me nuts….

  28. says:

    OH….and American Pie….great song…but not for kareoke

  29. says:

    Songs by Hanson, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina A… anything poppy and stupid.

  30. says:

    anything disco is enough to headbutt anyone in my way to reach the door!!!!!!

  31. says:

    I’m guilty of karaoke sin, according to some of these comments. I can never resist doing “Love Shack.” Ones I hate:

    Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
    American Pie
    Anything country, and if I hear some drunk abercrombie jerkoff ruining “Friends in Low Places” one more time, I swear I shall snap.
    Nothing Compares 2 U – NO drunk chick can pull this off. NO ONE.
    Anything stupid and poppy, like Britney Spears, etc.
    White guys who sing “Baby Got Back”

    There’s more, but I’d end up with enough for a blog.

  32. says:

    Wind Beneath My Wings.

  33. says:

    “Every Rose Has It Torn” by Poison. Just lack every night has it’s Don-on-on-on. and “Let’s Get It On.” by Marvin Gaye. That’s enough for me to develop a crack addiction. Is there a way tourettes manifests itself in physical violence? If so, that’s what I’m claiming next time I hear some drunken cum shoot scream this out.

  34. says:

    Haha!!! There should be more “hippies” like her! Believe me, the people at the kareoke sing the same crap over and over and OVER again!

  35. says:

    My heart will go on – Celene Dion, if I hear someone doing that karaoke im going to shoot them with darts, then beat them with my shoes, then give them sweet chin music.

  36. says:

    Oh my gosh I was looking for other entertainment like blogs like my own (www.FindEntertainmentNow.com) for purely selfish reasons I must admit and happend about this one. And I must say I really enjoy your writing. It’s witty, clever and even has insight. It made me think. I can learn some stuff from you since I just started my own lil bloggie blog! AnyWayZ to answer the question I didn’t have to think for long to come up with this damn song I hate so damn much called, “Kiss Me” from like 1999 or 2000. Oh for he love of Gnochi I just can’t stand it and no one but no one can understand why maaaaaaaaan! Ok I don’t even know who the girl who sings it is but even after all these years I still hear it in my head. “Ooooh kiss me…blah blah blah…moonlight…lead me…blah blah…open door…blah blah blah blah…so kiss me” Are you sick yet?? And yes I agree that Culture Club songs could prob do that…to guys! But as a bonafide, “I Love the 80’s” chicka i don’t mind them. But again I can be a little off sometimes…always been, ahhh but I digress. Ok yes Culture Club is kinda an Iconic joke these days especially when you see good old unboyish george these dayz (angry little bugger idn’t eh?)but I can still Jam to “Do you really wanna hurt me” and “Karma Chamellion” to this day. Don’t get me exact for those titles. Anyway now that I’ve left this book on your blog…nice writing ya and yall. Chao.

    The Maven


  37. says:

    None…I’m such a ham and would want to stay and sing and sing and sing. LOL

    The tiny hippie could have lost a loved one who sang that song and any other attempts at singing it killed her eardrums, and she still could have had pent up anger over the loss.

    Or the aliens may have programmed her. :D



  38. says:

    I used to do karaoke and I must admit I loved to sing some of the songs on this list. Sorry guys. The thing is that I can tell if I suck at singing a song, and I won’t try it again. There is one song I love, “To Sir With Love” by Lulu. That said, I just can’t do a decent job of it, so I try to stick to singing it in the shower.

    When I do karaoke, I try to pick something rowdy that gets the crowd going, rather than clearing the room. “Old Time Rock and Roll” is one of those, although personally, I am not overly fond of it. “joy to the World” by 3 Dog Night is another one.

    Anyone that sings off-key makes me cringe. Add in some screeching on the high notes or bad falsetto, and I am ready to throw things. People who stand up on stage swaying to an imaginary beat and singing in monotone make me wonder why the emcee is even letting them take time away from those of us who CAN sing. Oh, yeah, and the lady sitting at the end of the bar all by herself? You are NOT Patsy Cline. Give it up.

  39. says:

    I once heard a dude try to do AEnima (that’s the best I could do kids) by Tool….it made me want to headbutt myself.

    I hate karaoke in general. I despise listening to drunken idiots who think they can sing get up song after song after beer after beer after beer to ‘perform’. The worst part? Their drunken friends who cheer them on and make them think they are better than they really are.

© 2007 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound