2007 August | Pointless Banter

Archive for August, 2007

I’m not artistic enough

Published by Kevin on August 30, 2007 in Education. 46 Comments

This week I finally started class, I am going for my MFA in Digital Media Studies along with a certificate in New Media. What that means, well I have no idea but it sure as hell sounds impressive.

All my classes are located in the Fine Arts building, so there is a hodge podge of actors/actresses, artists, and the like. The thing is I stick out like a sore thumb in there, I feel like I don’t blend in at all, especially since I am going to class after work. So in order to feel a little bit more comfortable in my surroundings I have come up with a list of potential changes I can make.

Dress in all black- Nothing says artistic more than dressing in all black and walking around like the garbage man rolled over your new puppy. Of course I run the risk of people thinking that I am a ninja or a 15 year old goth girl.

hair_color

Changing the color of my hair- There is an undergrad group that a my friend Erin and I noticed after our orientation, at first we thought they were high schoolers touring the campus but now we realize that they live in the Fine Arts building. Perhaps they have a dungeon below the theater, I don’t know. Anyways, they all have fantastic hair styles and colors, when they walk around they make me think of a pack of skittles.

Sit in the corner and write in a notebook- Now the notebook can’t be like a 5 star notebook or anything with lines in it, it has to be a bound book. If I do get one, I have to sit in a very defensive position and only look up out of my notebook to give the world a look of disdain.

robert_smith

Wear a Cure t-shirt- Wait, that doesn’t work anymore?

Gain thirty pounds and don’t shave my armpits- Wait if I keep eating wings every other day that first thing could happen sooner rather than later…. This might happen if I want to or not.

What suggestions do you have to make me fit into this artistic community a little better?

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Would I Have Sex with a Post Gastric Bypass Star Jones

Published by Kevin on August 29, 2007 in Sex. 24 Comments

As I stated before the most frequently asked question I get as a blogger is would I have sex with Sarah McLachlan? Which I answered before. The second most frequently asked question I get asked is… would I have sex with a post gastric bypass Star Jones.

After creating my “thought process” chart on the wall which includes a “parking lot” for any ideas that need to be discussed I have determined that…… No I would not have sex with Star Jones. In my previous post about Sarah McLachlan one of the deciding factors was that she was female. For Star Jones that was the only thing she had going for her.

Lets take a look at my logic here and the reasons why I said no.

1) She is black- Now before everyone out there begins to think I am a racist or something let me state for the record my penis does not discriminate, well neither does the rest of me for that matter. But I have always read two things about sleeping with African American women:

Once you go black you never go back- That sounds like a pretty big risk to me. You know how they say you can get addicted to crack the first time you try it, is this like the same thing? Will I be feigning for black vagina 24-7? Will I be blowing guys in a bathroom to get money to get black vagina? What is the cut off point? This just seems to risky to me.

The darker the berry the sweeter the juice- I just can’t see her juice being sweet, in fact I would go out on a limb and say it tastes like prune juice or stale underarm deodorant.

If I am going to sleep with a black celebrity it would have to be Shar Jackson, just so she can compare me to Kevin Federline and we can answer the question once and for all… which Kevin is better in bed.

2) She touched Lil Jon- If you have shaken hands with, hugged, or been within five feet of the following people: Lil Jon, Kid Rock, Fred Durst, James Woods, Tommy Lee, Bret Michaels, or anyone that played for the 1986 New York Mets you need automatically have a raging case of a mystery VD. Sorry Star but I like having everything attached to my body.

3) I an concerned about the excess flab- Is it all gone or is she going to take off her shirt and look like a saggy chested Jack Nicholson? (Picture from Donkeysosa.com)

4) She might talk- And that honestly is just a deal breaker for me.

So there you have it, I have laid out a very logical argument on why I wouldn’t sleep with Star Jones.

Agree or disagree?

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I want to learn from my mistakes

Published by Kevin on August 28, 2007 in My Life. 23 Comments

The last thing I want to do is write a blog about Mike Vick, I think at this point it has been covered by every single person out there, but um… here is my Mike Vick blog. Yesterday on my way to lunch I heard his apology and statement, there was one thing that stuck out that I wanted to talk about. He said that he wanted kids to learn from his mistakes. Mistakes? Holy shit, he called what he did a mistake? Let me take a second here and examine Mike Vick’s mistakes versus my own mess ups.

Me: Bought a t-shirt in 6th grade that had a cool Japanese fighter pilot on it but it had pink sleeves. Everyone ignored the fighter pilot but made fun of the pink sleeves.

Vick: Funded a kennel on his own property for the purpose of training dogs to fight to the death.

Thoughts: They are very comparable, I mean I almost had to fight to the death over my poor fashion choice.

Me: As an underage employee I was part of a ring to smuggle beer out of work so we could have two beers each and pretend we were drunk.

Vick: Transported said dogs across state lines to participate in dog fights.

Thoughts: Well I mean we were both smuggling something, of course I won’t be smuggling cock in my ass for the next few years because of the “mistakes” I have made.

vanilla_ice

Me: I bought the Vanilla Ice CD from an independent record store, then proceeded to get lines shaved in my head.

Vick: Executed under performing dogs in a vile and reprehensible manner.

Thoughts: Um, they are kind of the same right?

I have to say I owe Mike Vick an apology. Mike I am sorry to say what you did weren’t mistakes, when you compare what you did to the mistakes I have made in my life they are like mirror images.

Do you guys have any mistakes you want to own up to? You know like running a bus of school children off the road or urinating on your neighbors mail everyday for a week…

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How I Almost Blinded and Killed Myself in the Shower

Published by Kevin on August 27, 2007 in My Life. 65 Comments

I have documented before my hatred of showering in a new place, in fact I would say it ranks high on my list of “things that shouldn’t confuse me but do”. In that blog I stated all my reasons why I have issues with using a new shower, yesterday though there is a new number one reason.

You know those new soap dispensers that hotels and some people have? It hangs by the shower head and you can refill your body wash and shampoo? I have been seeing those pop up all over the place as of late, in fact my uncle and aunt have one. I guess they are really useful for people that find it a pain in the ass to squeeze a plastic bottle.

soap_dispenser

I used a friend’s shower the other day because my gas wasn’t turned on at my apartment yet and didn’t have hot water. As I soaked myself down I did the normal perusal of all the different shower products to figure out my plan of attack. I noticed that they had a big plastic contraption hanging from their shower head, so I figured that would be my source for body wash. On this plastic contraption there was a blue button and a nozzle, I pressed the blue button and put my hand under the nozzle expecting my body wash payoff.

Oh but the payoff wasn’t body wash, it was immeasurable pain and suffering. Soon this device let off a beeping noise but I didn’t understand what the beeping noise was for. Apparently it meant, “get the hell out of the way dumbass”. Instead I decided to move in for a closer look, BIG MISTAKE.

The nozzle began to spin and shoot cleaning solution hitting me right in the face, blinding me and giving me the “I just got my mouth rinsed out with soap for swearing taste”. I stumbled back like I got punched in the face and began trying to grab on to anything to break my fall. Luckily my ninja like coordination… err the back wall of the shower stopped me from slipping and cracking my head open.

scrubbing_bubbles

(the device of death in action)

After the nozzle finished dispersing it’s death spray, which may or may not have been Soylent Green, I got back up on my feet. I went back to the device and removed the various shampoo and body wash on the rack in front of it. Apparently the device was a new scrubbing bubbles automated shower cleaner… I hate those little scrubbing bubbles, I hope you run into mildew that you can’t clean.

Have you ever been blinded by shower cleansing products?

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Do You Ever

Published by Kevin on August 24, 2007 in No Point. 31 Comments

Do you ever read a story about Hayden Panettiere turning 18 and think, “Sweet!”

Hayden_Panettiere

After reading that story and seeing some pictures you get some urges…

Later you turn on the TV and flip through the channels and see “Remember the Titans”, which leads you to regret that you just totally rubbed one out?

Hayden_Panettiere_Remember_the_Titans

I’m not saying I’ve been there, I am just asking you guys… You know, for future reference.

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Please Keep Your Engagement Story to Yourself

Published by Kevin on August 23, 2007 in My Wisdom. 33 Comments

I was sitting and eating lunch the other day in a place that was playing a radio station that was talking about people getting engaged. They took a call from a guy that launched into a five minute story about his engagement, I will spare you the story but let me just say it involved a Beyonce song and putting a flower in the middle of roses. Now it is not that I am unromantic but hearing people’s engagement stories is one of the most annoying things ever. It is cool that people propose different ways and honestly I like to hear the story until they pass the three minute mark. Once it hits that point it is too long and probably filled with details I don’t care about.

Plus nobody does anything original anymore anyways, even if they think they are. I can get behind a walk to a romantic place and a proposal, cool. Short, sweet, romantic… great I like it. But once you start involving props and ridiculous plans you have lost my support.

Also, we never really hear really great engagement stories. Honestly the next story I hear better go like this:

So I called my girlfriend and told her to get dressed up because I was taking her out for a night on the town. When I picked her up she was all decked out, just looking amazing. She asked if we were going to the theater or a high end restaurant, I told her no, that we were going to see the opening night of the new “Rambo” movie.

dressed_up

While she was a little dejected she manned up and went with me. Shortly after the movie we decided to grab something to eat, I told her I knew a great place with a good buffet. We stopped at the Spearmint Rhino, my favorite strip club, and I got the all you can eat buffet for 15.95 each. I didn’t have enough cash on me so I made her pay with her credit card, hey she wanted to eat.

After dinner we stayed there and had a few drinks, while I ogled any girl that I could. I made sure that my girlfriend felt inferior for one reason or another to every single girl in there,you know so she would work out a little harder or develop an eating disorder to stay thin. As we drank more I thought a great idea would be to get a girl to come home with us, you know to round out the night. With very little support from my girlfriend I negotiated a deal to spend $500, my girlfriend’s new car payment, on a stripper to come home with us that night.

spearmint_rhino

When we got home my girlfriend was a little hesitant to get into the action, in fact she started to pack her bags to head to her mother’s house. I convinced her to stay and do this for me… Soon we were all naked and I made my girlfriend move her head towards the stripper no no touchy spot. She reluctantly began to stick out her tongue when she noticed the stripper’s clit ring with an engagement ring attached to it.

I asked her to be my wife while slapping her on the ass, followed by asking her to let the stripper take her with a strap on… It was a memorable night.

Now that is a hell of a lot better story to hear than a guy with a ring in some flowers and Beyonce playing in the background.

What is the worst engagement story you have ever heard?

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Which is more embarrassing?