My First Two Nights as Simon Cowell
You know you have reached an apex of fame when you get to judge a talent competition. I have reached my height of fame by becoming a judge at “Ventura Idol” a karaoke singing competition modeled after American Idol. Sure, I play poker with the guy that is running it so maybe really isn’t an indication of fame… But whatever.
I am going to be here to judge the first four audition nights, of course I have taken the roll of Simon Cowell… Except I am not secretly gay. There actually were some good performances that I didn’t hammer, but there were some drunken bad ones that I let loose on. Here is a collection of some of my remarks from the first two nights.
(after a female contestant finished singing “Wicked Game”)
“Growing up I used to yank it to that video all of the time but now you have totally ruined it for me.”
(after a male contestant did a song and tried to growl through it the entire way)
“You know when were little and you would knock on the bathroom door while your father was taking a dump? He would reply to you and sound really strained because he was squeezing out a shit? That is what you just sounded like.”
(after a horrible duet)
“If Mushmouth and Nell did a duet that is what it would sound like.”
(after an over the top blonde girl did her version of “Respect”)
“That song should only be sung by fat sassy black girls and tonight you are totally a fat sassy black girl.”
(this was what I said after hearing “I’m just a gigolo” by the drunkest guy in the bar)
“I always wanted to know what it would sound like to punch a kid with downs syndrome in the jaw, now I know, thanks for that.”
(I hate “What’s Going On” by 4 Non-Blondes, this was my reply after a horrible version of it)
“As a guy I heard the most painful thing you do in life is pass a kidney stone, tonight you actually proved there was something more painful, sitting through that.”
Give me a Simon Cowellish line for me to drop on someone horrible next week!
\’e2\’80\’9cGrowing up I used to yank it to that video all of the time but now you have totally ruined it for me.\’e2\’80\’9d\par
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now that one is gold..haha
[quote comment="3365"]\’e2\’80\’9cGrowing up I used to yank it to that video all of the time but now you have totally ruined it for me.\’e2\’80\’9d\par
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now that one is gold..haha[/quote]\par
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Thanks yeah that one went over well.
Yeah right! You are SO secretly gay my dear, but that’s alright… I can change that for ya!\par
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Kudos!
So…did the blonde singing “respect” win?
Simon Cowellish line? \par
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I used to think bunnies screaming was the most disturbing noise in the world until now. =)\par
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I have wanted that man’s job since the first time I saw American Idol.
Who did win?
You can ask them if they ever recorded theirselves sing and then listened to it? If they so no, then you say…You couldn’t stand it either huh? \par
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If they say yes, you say…and you still decided to put us through this torture.\par
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Have you ever heard two cats mate?\par
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or\par
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That was good after the first verse when I took my hearing aid out.\par
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On short notice that’s all I got.
\’e2\’80\’9cI always wanted to know what it would sound like to punch a kid with downs syndrome in the jaw, now I know, thanks for that.\’e2\’80\’9d\par
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THAT is the funniest line.
[quote comment="3371"]So…did the blonde singing “respect” win?[/quote]\par
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Nobody won yet, it is the “audition” round just like American Idol, we are seeing who is actually going to get in.
[quote comment="3367"]Yeah right! You are SO secretly gay my dear, but that’s alright… I can change that for ya!\par
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Kudos![/quote]\par
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sounds promising
[quote comment="3373"]Simon Cowellish line?\par
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I used to think bunnies screaming was the most disturbing noise in the world until now. =)\par
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I have wanted that man’s job since the first time I saw American Idol.[/quote]\par
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Wait, bunnies scream?
[quote comment="3382"]You can ask them if they ever recorded theirselves sing and then listened to it? If they so no, then you say…You couldn’t stand it either huh?\par
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now that is a great line
[quote comment="3384"]\’e2\’80\’9cI always wanted to know what it would sound like to punch a kid with downs syndrome in the jaw, now I know, thanks for that.\’e2\’80\’9d\par
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THAT is the funniest line.[/quote]\par
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I hate to say it but I am actually proud of that one.
When I walked in tonight, I thought to myself, “I’m going to hear some amazing singing.” I was wrong. I never, ever thought I would say this, but I am envious of Mr. Potato Head.
the “i’m just a gigolo” comment was absolutely wonderful. and i can’t help you with the comments. mine come to me on the spot as things happen. i can’t think them up outside of the situation.
When a girl sings something and thinks she did really good be like:\par
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Kevin: I have heard some incredible singing in my day. I thought that being a judge of a small talent show would involve me to listen to bad singing. I was wrong, way wrong. \par
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Girl: *giggle* aww thank you Kevin.\par
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Kevin: No wait, let me finish. That was complete shit. I was talking about the previous acts. Goodnight.
“Except I am not secretly gay.”\par
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The first thought that popped into my head was “Oh, you have finally come out of the closet?\par
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As for comments: You know, Pete Townsend has lost part of his hearing from listening to loud music. I envy him.\par
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Or: You know there are warnings that listening to loud music can harm your hearing. But you never see a warning about listening to singing like yours.
“Simon Cowell-ish Lines”\par
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Okay, I AM gay. And while I’m not British, I AM a drag queen, so it’s pretty safe to say that I am at least as qualified as La Cowell’s “dish n’ chips” delivery to toss off a little shade.\par
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1. I’m not going to say that you were awful. I’m going to TELL you that you were awful. That sounded like a half-fucked fox in a forest fire. It was hot, but it was painful.\par
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2. I’m sorry. Was I staring? I had to crawl into my “safe place” for a few minutes.\par
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3. If we have learned anything from that powerhouse vocalist known as Whitney Houston, it is… that Crack is whack.\par
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4. Now what did I ever do to you to deserve that?\par
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5. You should really have that looked into. You remember where the clinic is, right?\par
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6. If anybody needs me, I’ll be curled up on the floor of my shower, crying and trying to wash the “dirty” out of my brain.\par
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7. BOR-ING! Courtney Love’s brain cells live longer than my interest.\par
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8. I must have raped nuns or eaten live babies in a past life to sufer through this much hell on earth.\par
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9. Please tell me that you have found a support group.\par
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10. (long unflinching stare) Next.
[quote comment="3417"]“Simon Cowell-ish Lines”\par
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Okay, I AM gay. And while I’m not British, I AM a drag queen, so it’s pretty safe to say that I am at least as qualified as La Cowell’s “dish n’ chips” delivery to toss off a little shade.\par
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2. I’m sorry. Was I staring? I had to crawl into my “safe place” for a few minutes.\par
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So many of those were great… but that… that was classic
[quote comment="3392"][quote comment="3373"]Simon Cowellish line?\par
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I used to think bunnies screaming was the most disturbing noise in the world until now. =)\par
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I have wanted that man’s job since the first time I saw American Idol.[/quote]\par
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Wait, bunnies scream?[/quote]\par
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yup.
Did you use a British accent? Just curious.
Aw, c’mon, what about the line you gave me? “Steven, obviously, effort A++++, right?…um…and I mean this with all possible respect…you are the master of your own universe.” That still cracks me up!
To all of you who missed it…it’s on my YouTube page, which should be a link in this comment somewhere.
I did this like over two years ago… I don’t think I am the same person.