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detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."

Jul
12

Why I would be a good parent

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/12/07 @ 5:00 am

I consider helping raise my nephew to be like having a kid with training wheels, I really can’t screw up that badly.

This week I learned two valuable lessons that will stick with me.

Lesson 1: How to get a kid to eat something they don’t want to

You see on those crappy nanny reality shows the problems parents have with kidding their kid to eat. They will spend the entire dinner time fighting and arguing, or they will just give in and not deal with the problem. My nephew is a really picky eater but I found an easy way to buck that trend.

Nephew: I don’t want to eat corn.
Me: You know if you eat it, well… it will show up in your poop the next day.
Nephew: Really?
Me: For realzzzzz.
Nephew: (takes a massive spoonful) Cool.

Lesson 2:
They are like sponges and often repeat what you say.

Nephew: I like rap.
Me: Okay…
Nephew: But Nana never lets me listen to it.
Me: Well I have some rap, you have to repeat after me before we listen to it though.
Nephew: Ok.
Me: Wu-tang forever…
Nephew: Wu-tang forever!

Two days later in Toys R Us waiting in line to purchase the latest cars from the movie “Cars”. There is a massive Mexican guy all tatted up and not looking friendly in the least. Out of the blue my nephew turns to him and say, “Wu-tang forever!”

The guy looks at him, then looks at me then back at him.

“What did you say?”

“Wu-tang forever!”

“Uh… okay.”

Nothing else was said, no reaction, nothing…

Looks like he is ready to learn lyrics from “Hits from the Bong” I mean it is the next logical step right?

What is something you taught a kid but probably shouldn’t?

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

44 Responses to “Why I would be a good parent”

  1. says:

    i told my friends 6 year old sister what a homosexual was and just as id finished he walked in and i burst out laughing\par
    i also told some kid who asked what gay was that its when you dont get married\par
    he then went and told everyone he was gay\par
    good times

  2. says:

    Will he learn the phrase, “What’s up biotches?”

  3. says:

    first! for once

  4. says:

    [quote comment="3238"]i told my friends 6 year old sister what a homosexual was and just as id finished he walked in and i burst out laughing\par
    i also told some kid who asked what gay was that its when you dont get married\par
    he then went and told everyone he was gay\par
    good times[/quote]\par
    \par
    Yeah I got asked last night what puberty was… I side stepped that question

  5. says:

    [quote comment="3239"]Will he learn the phrase, “What’s up biotches?”[/quote]\par
    \par
    I think that is important for any kid to have in his vocabulary

  6. says:

    My brother does stuff like that with my daughter too. Come to think of it, so does her father.

  7. says:

    [quote comment="3238"]i told my friends 6 year old sister what a homosexual was and just as id finished he walked in and i burst out laughing\par
    i also told some kid who asked what gay was that its when you dont get married\par
    he then went and told everyone he was gay\par
    good times[/quote]\par
    My daughter told me “sometimes girls kiss girls, and sometimes boys kiss boys. Daddy says it’s only cool when girls kiss girls though.”

  8. says:

    I tried the “it’ll be in your poop” bit with Mouse once, it grossed her out and now she won’t eat corn, ever.

  9. says:

    [quote comment="3245"]\par
    My daughter told me “sometimes girls kiss girls, and sometimes boys kiss boys. Daddy says it’s only cool when girls kiss girls though.”[/quote]\par
    \par
    that is classic

  10. says:

    [quote comment="3246"]I tried the “it’ll be in your poop” bit with Mouse once, it grossed her out and now she won’t eat corn, ever.[/quote]\par
    \par
    It might be a boy only thing

  11. says:

    My husband taught our 4 yr old to yell “This is Sparta!”. It would’ve been nice if he had also taught him about timing. Because while having a conversation with my husband’s boss’ wife is probably not the best moment. But still, super cute.

  12. says:

    One of my younger brothers has a daughter and I have three so we take turns currupting each others kid(s). I taught his daughter to say to people who were looking at her, “Stop looking at me, pedophile!” when she was 3. It was hilarious to me, not so much to him.

  13. says:

    [quote comment="3250"]One of my younger brothers has a daughter and I have three so we take turns currupting each others kid(s). I taught his daughter to say to people who were looking at her, “Stop looking at me, pedophile!” when she was 3. It was hilarious to me, not so much to him.[/quote]\par
    \par
    I know what the phrase of the day is going to be here.

  14. says:

    [quote comment="3249"]My husband taught our 4 yr old to yell “This is Sparta!”. It would’ve been nice if he had also taught him about timing. Because while having a conversation with my husband’s boss’ wife is probably not the best moment. But still, super cute.[/quote]\par
    \par
    At least they aren’t immediately stabbing something after saying it.

  15. says:

    [quote comment="3248"][quote comment="3246"]I tried the “it’ll be in your poop” bit with Mouse once, it grossed her out and now she won’t eat corn, ever.[/quote]\par
    \par
    It might be a boy only thing[/quote]\par
    \par
    Oh, don’t teach him any quote or chant that requires an answer. There are only so many times you want to respond to “Aussie Aussie Aussie” in a day.

  16. says:

    never, and i mean never teach a five year old to grab the package and scream “deez nutuuuutzzzz!!!!!!!” its not nearly as funny when he does it at a church as it was in the backyard.

  17. says:

    OMG freaking hilarious. Maybe I should try your approach to getting my kids to eat corn. It would save me from having a huge fight during dinner.

  18. says:

    I did not mean to teach my 4 y/o girl any of the following, but she has said each of these at various times, and normally in the right context.\par
    \par
    “Damn it cat, get the fuck back her” in front of my mother and aunt\par
    \par
    “shit” when dropping her plate\par
    \par
    “Fuck” when dropping her toys or falling down\par
    \par
    and the best yet “you stupid fucktard” while playing the her friends at day care.\par
    \par
    I cannot be certain that her mother has not helped in some of this but I get all the blame.

  19. says:

    Lucky for my sister I will have left the country by the time my niece starts repeating what I say. So far the most frequents words out of my mouth in her company has been “Shit, Aaaww, Cutey, Cunt (not calling her that but just a natural reaction to getting your teeth slammed with a toy car), shit again etc.\par
    \par
    She has however learned to mimic movement so I have of course taught her the rock stance with headbanging and everything.

  20. says:

    Yeah, my eight year old asked me what “pornography” was. I had to be honest.\par
    \par
    “Son. It’s the greatest cardiovascular exercise tool you’ll ever know…and you don’t need to leave the bathroom to do it.”\par
    \par
    Well, not quite. I fumbled around the answer so badly I forgot what I said.

  21. says:

    i am the same way with my nephew. the one thing i have taught him, which he of course doesn’t understand yet, is to make people aware when they look dumb. i taught him when someone walks by with silly hair, or a shirt he doesn’t like, to look at them and say, “really? no, really?” like, “there is no way in hell that that is okay.” he does it all of the time now. it’s fucking hilarious. i mean, it’s good when i do it to homies with ridiculously large rope gold chains on, but from a four year old it is ten times better.

  22. says:

    When my daughter was 3 yrs old, she saw me smoking a cigarette outside. I told her it was a fork.

  23. says:

    [quote comment="3253"]\par
    Oh, don’t teach him any quote or chant that requires an answer. There are only so many times you want to respond to “Aussie Aussie Aussie” in a day.[/quote]\par
    \par
    You kind of set yourself up for that misery. If I say something funny to my nephew in response to a question he asks, he will keep asking the question over and over wanting to get the same response.

  24. says:

    [quote comment="3254"]never, and i mean never teach a five year old to grab the package and scream “deez nutuuuutzzzz!!!!!!!” its not nearly as funny when he does it at a church as it was in the backyard.[/quote]\par
    \par
    Wait church isn’t the appropriate place?

  25. says:

    [quote comment="3255"]OMG freaking hilarious. Maybe I should try your approach to getting my kids to eat corn. It would save me from having a huge fight during dinner.[/quote]\par
    \par
    It worked for me

  26. says:

    [quote comment="3256"]\par
    \par
    and the best yet “you stupid fucktard” while playing the her friends at day care.\par
    [/quote]\par
    \par
    that had to be a fun day when she got picked up

  27. says:

    [quote comment="3257"]\par
    \par
    She has however learned to mimic movement so I have of course taught her the rock stance with headbanging and everything.[/quote]\par
    \par
    My nephew now knows the devil horns

  28. says:

    I loved it when my daughter went to grandma and grandpa’s house for thanksgiving and began to sing, “We’re all Stars…In the dope show” at the dinner table.

  29. says:

    [quote comment="3258"]Yeah, my eight year old asked me what “pornography” was. I had to be honest.\par
    [/quote]\par
    \par
    You should have told them that it is what their day care teacher used to do.

  30. says:

    [quote comment="3260"]i am the same way with my nephew. the one thing i have taught him, which he of course doesn’t understand yet, is to make people aware when they look dumb. i taught him when someone walks by with silly hair, or a shirt he doesn’t like, to look at them and say, “really? no, really?” like, “there is no way in hell that that is okay.” he does it all of the time now. it’s fucking hilarious. i mean, it’s good when i do it to homies with ridiculously large rope gold chains on, but from a four year old it is ten times better.[/quote]\par
    \par
    It is clean enough where they can say it wherever, but it is biting enough to really sting… I love it.

  31. says:

    [quote comment="3267"]I loved it when my daughter went to grandma and grandpa’s house for thanksgiving and began to sing, “We’re all Stars…In the dope show” at the dinner table.[/quote]\par
    \par
    Is that on the high school musical soundtrack?

  32. says:

    I taught my cousins son to say give me my money bitch every time he sees a girl :)

  33. says:

    My 4 year old nephew knows every word to “Cherry Pie”…and he rocks it out with headbanging and air guitar. Nothing better than that.

  34. says:

    5 is too young to learn how a baby’s made, but the kid was always asking questions so I should’ve seen it coming. I shouldn’t have told my son it happens when a couple gets married. He took it literally and thought for years that the act of marriage created a baby. Poor kid.

  35. says:

    [quote comment="3266"][quote comment="3257"]\par
    \par
    She has however learned to mimic movement so I have of course taught her the rock stance with headbanging and everything.[/quote]\par
    \par
    My nephew now knows the devil horns[/quote]\par
    \par
    I have taught the neighbor girls the “I love you” sign, the “hang loose sign” and of course the devil horns, which were first disguised as “Hook ‘em, horns” when the Longhorns were playing for the National title. Now they get it and yell “rock and roll” while doing it- which fits in well in the affluent town they live in. Good times.

  36. says:

    My fiance taught his lil boy to sayt “Hubba-Hubba” baby and reach for her ass, lmao\par
    \par
    He stopped doing it as he got old enough to know embarassment!

  37. says:

    The things you can get lil kids to say!! We used to get into so much trouble over what we would get my lil cousin Vinz to say to his mom. At four years old we taught him some very bad four letter words….

  38. says:

    All these are absolutely funny hahaha!! I remember teaching my nephew to flip people off when he was like 3 I think and I think he knows the words shit and fuck so far cause of me haha

  39. says:

    I tried to teach my three-year-old son to ask ‘if the carpet matched the drapes.’ It didn’t work so well.

  40. says:

    [quote comment="3287"]I tried to teach my three-year-old son to ask ‘if the carpet matched the drapes.’ It didn’t work so well.[/quote]\par
    I didn’t think interior decorators could procreate.

  41. says:

    I love the thing about the corn in his poop haha.\par
    \par
    And the reaction from the Mexican guy was great.

  42. says:

    Haha. Upon watching the video “The Landlord” with Will Ferrell, my friend taught her daughter, my 2 year old god daughter, to say, “I want four beers!” Only, for some reason, she constantly says, “I want five beers.” I guess she’s an over achiever.\par
    Also, when she says “clock” it comes out “cock,” so someone got her to say “clock sucker.” And now, when you try to JUST get her to say “clock,” she still adds “sucker”\par
    So she’s constantly saying cocksucker.\par
    Her parents are too young and dumb to have kids.

  43. says:

    its the whole kids are like sponges thing -\par
    \par
    I have some road rage and I was babysitting my best friends kid all the time. I was driving and I got to the stop sign and from the back seat i hear \par
    \par
    “just fucking go”\par
    \par
    The kid was 3 years old at the time. His mom and I were trying not to laugh but it was the funniest thing ever..but it was my fault for him learning the words.

  44. says:

    my 4 year old loves godzilla, i couldnt sit through it the first 5 times he watched it, then all of the suddon he goes “as long as the beer is cold, who cares?” i just laughed and then watched godzilla like 2 weeks later and lo and behold that was it!

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