Michael Bay… I hate you
Michael Bay must be stopped from making movies ever again, I can’t take it anymore. I know I shouldn’t go see his movies because all they do is piss me off. I know going in I will be sitting there for over two and a half hours and I will be able to predict everything. It is like plugging in a formula for a math equation written by a drunk seven year old with rickets and dementia.
Every single Bay movie is the same… It is too long, it has random sidekicks that drop funny lines, there is always a slow motion stare at my friend hoping they don’t die shot (hand holding may or may not happen), then typical slow motion action sequence done over and over and over and over and over again.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS MOVIES has these traits. Hollywoodbitchslap.com has a great review of Transformers, I am too emotionally drained to actually write about the movie.
At least it had Megan Fox in it.
Anyways I have decided that I am going to write a blog that will be a sample pitch for a Michael Bay movie.
What I need from you guys is:
A title:
1 Major Actress and Actor:
2 Random Lower Level Celebrities:
The Job of the Main Actor:
The problem that they run into:
Next week I will write up a short little pitch using random tidbits that you guys leave in the comments.
On 07/10/07 at 4:25 pm
said:
I loved the transformers movie!
On 07/10/07 at 4:51 pm
said:
I heard it was pretty good. Granted, I have little desire to see it, but Vic is pumped up about taking the boy to go see it.\par
\par
I would prefer some Pixar Ratatouli. But whatchagonnado?\par
\par
I am officially out numbered.
On 07/10/07 at 5:26 pm
said:
Actor?\par
\par
Pauly Shore \par
\par
Go!
On 07/10/07 at 6:15 pm
said:
[quote comment="3131"]I loved the transformers movie![/quote]\par
\par
I am going to shove Jazz up your ass
On 07/10/07 at 6:15 pm
said:
[quote comment="3134"]Actor?\par
\par
Pauly Shore\par
\par
Go![/quote]\par
\par
Upping the bar right out of the gate
On 07/10/07 at 6:16 pm
said:
[quote comment="3132"]I heard it was pretty good. Granted, I have little desire to see it, but Vic is pumped up about taking the boy to go see it.\par
\par
I would prefer some Pixar Ratatouli. But whatchagonnado?\par
\par
I am officially out numbered.[/quote]\par
\par
\par
The movie is so long… when a movie feels long it is never a good sign
On 07/10/07 at 7:34 pm
said:
Myspace Tom could be the robot. That’s all I got.
On 07/10/07 at 7:37 pm
said:
1 Major Actress and Actor:\par
a) Winona Rider (in a comeback role)\par
b) Chuck Lidell (in his first film)\par
\par
2 Random Lower Level Celebrities:\par
a) Vince Vaughn (Chuck’s trainer & comic relief)\par
b) John Waters (Winona’s outwardly gay father)\par
\par
The Job of the Main Actor:\par
A champion Mixed Martial Artist and family man.\par
\par
The problem that they run into:\par
Every time he punches someone in the face, they explode.
On 07/10/07 at 8:07 pm
said:
Because it wouldn’t possibly make sense:\par
\par
Title: The Life and Times of Adam Ridgemont\par
\par
Major actors: Johnny Depp and Catherine Zeta-Jones\par
\par
Lower level: Ice Cube and Don Knotts (is he still alive? If not, skip him, enter Rosie Perez)\par
\par
Job: Plumber\par
\par
Problem; Local mobsters take over the plumbing rackets putting our poor protagonist out of work. To get back to work, he must fight uphill for his livelihood, while his cancer ridden wife struggles for life, and his best friend and his lover (gay or not depending on whether Don Knotts is still alive)help him by having random contacts in a rival mob that people only have by chance in the movies, that help him to fight these crooked mobsters.\par
\par
Rated PG-13 for strong language and mild violence and brief frontal nudity. \par
\par
Now that would be a box office smash hit.
On 07/11/07 at 12:20 am
said:
Umm…i’d rather Michael Bay to Uwe Boll :(\par
\par
Uwe Boll…is just…not nice ^_^
On 07/11/07 at 3:02 am
said:
A title: A Pain in the Ass.\par
\par
1 Major Actress and Actor: Johnny Depp\par
\par
2 Random Lower Level Celebrities: Kathy Griffin and Pauly Shore\par
\par
The Job of the Main Actor: Auto Mechanic\par
\par
The problem that they run into: Johnny Depp is a homophobic auto mechanic that has to get his prostate checked…
On 07/11/07 at 6:25 am
said:
Megan Fox has really bad acne.
On 07/11/07 at 7:09 am
said:
[quote comment="3174"]Megan Fox has really bad acne.[/quote]\par
\par
Get out of here
On 07/11/07 at 7:41 am
said:
[quote post="606"]Major actors: Johnny Depp and Catherine Zeta-Jones[/quote]\par
\par
I would watch Johnny Depp change his freaking socks, man is sexy head to toe. And even though Zeta-Jones rubs caviar and truffles all over her body (like as not smelling like a pile of offal) I’d do her too. She’s gorgeous.\par
\par
But the Transformer movie? No, not gonna happen. Not in my lifetime. That review was spot-on for what I felt just watching the trailers and the cartoon hysterical. My son wants to see it, I told him he can pony up the cash and go alone while I read a book in the parking lot or wait for the rental and pony up the cash and watch it alone in his room. My kid is a miser, he’s waiting for video. But what can I expect but that he’ll love it? The kid likes Viva La Bam. I wonder some days if he’s mine.
On 07/11/07 at 8:34 am
said:
A “Michael Bay script-o-rama” is a terrific idea. It’s like Mad Libs, only for retarded directors!\par
\par
Title: Whiskey Run\par
Major Actor and Actress: Jamie Foxx, Jessica Alba\par
Random Lower Level Celebrities: Steve Zahn, Karl Urban\par
Job of Main Actor: Bartender\par
Problem: Foxx gets all mixed up with the wrong crowd, as his boss at the Miami hotspot Whiskey Run (played by LOTR’s Urban) gets in too deep with the local drug cartel. Foxx bears witness to something he shouldn’t have seen, and soon, the mafia is after him and his stripper girlfriend (Alba). Wacky but reliable friend Zahn co-stars as his helicopter pilot brother-in-arms (got to get those sunset chopper shots into the flick somehow).
On 07/11/07 at 1:35 pm
said:
title:\par
Main Actors: bruce willis adam sandler \par
2nd string actors: daniel radcliffe and some flavour of the week R’n'B star like rhianna. \par
job of main actor: furniture delivery guy \par
problem: willis and sandler are two delivery workers, willis is the no thrills family man who happend to have served time in the army till he got shot up the ass. sandler will spend most the time trying to be a 22 year old jewish college drop out like in 95% of his movies. radcliffe is willis english son (go figure). rhianna is the daughter of a mob boss that willis and sandler are delivering furniture too not knowing that the cushions of this lovely new 3 piece are actually full of dope. \par
\par
take it from there
On 07/12/07 at 5:28 am
said:
holy shit it sounds like one of my entrys!\par
go mad kevin \par
also i didnt see the transformers movie because i worried it might suck and ruin it all\par
i dont even think its out over here anyway\par
thanks for the advice
On 07/12/07 at 4:29 pm
said:
Transformers is the best movie ever made.
On 07/13/07 at 10:54 am
said:
A title:\par
1 Major Actress and Actor: Tom Welling and Penelope Cruz\par
2 Random Lower Level Celebrities: Amanda Bynes and Drake Bell\par
The Job of the Main Actor: Save the world (duh)\par
The problem that they run into: Someone gets kidnapped, blah blah blah
On 07/16/07 at 4:52 am
said:
1 Major Actress and Actor: Angelina Jolie, Adam Sandler\par
2 Random Lower Level Celebrities: Christopher Guest, Harry Shearer, Jerry Garcia, Elisha Cuthbert, Laura Prepon\par
The Job of the Main Actor: Condom Testers\par
The problem that they run into: Either one breaks, or he suffers from radioactive isotope in his bloodstream that have laid dormant for many years, untilnowwhen all the condoms he tests on angelina make her WONDERWOMAN (thats right)blah blah blah