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If I was Black I would hate Hollywood

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/10/07 @ 5:02 am

I watch a lot of movies, I pretty much have Netflix movies coming in and going out constantly from my house. There is something I have been kind of paying attention to for awhile now, the niche market that Hollywood has for “urban” cinema. If I was black I would totally hate Hollywood because they basically make movies that totally paint African Americans into a typical stereotype. To me I am shocked that they don’t have the characters only eating fried chicken and watermelon to finish everything off. When you look at the movies they are putting out it really is kind of insulting.

It seems like there are four types of movies that they make with mostly black casts, here are the four types I have narrowed it down to… oh as an added bonus for the white folks out there I gave you what the “white movie equivalent” would be:

4) Dancin’ or Steppin’ or something that rhythmically challenged white people can’t do


These movies are all the same, here is the formula-

New dude in town/loner/hard case moves to an area that has this special subculture that he doesn’t fit into. He gravitates towards that subculture and eventually fits in mixing his talents with theirs. Of course there are rivals for the group he blends in with so they must settle their differences with a dance off/stomp off/drum line or whatever.

Plus there is always a girl that he has to impress that believes in him and usually has a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend in the rival group.

White movie equivalent=
Karate Kid

3) Sassy Fat Black Girl Does Something Good In Her Life

For the older crowd this role is usually filled by Queen Latifah for the younger crowd it is Mo’Nique. This begs the question, is there a girl somewhere that her mother is shaping her into the next generation of fat sassy black girl? Doesn’t Mo’Nique need someone to pass the torch to?


Mom, I am full.
Mom: Damn you girl, you are eating that second Big Mac, we can’t go on without the next generation of sassy black girls.
Girl: I seriously hope you die in your sleep.
Mom: That is the sass I am looking for baby, we just need the fat.

Every single one of these movies has a “skinny bitch” line, it is required by law.

White movie equivalent=
Ugly girl turns into a hot chick and gets revenge.

2) The over the top sports movie

Apparently there are like 5,000 street ball movies that I have never even heard of. I just saw a preview for one before watching “Gridiron Gang” and Wayne Brady is in it. Who the hell is the producer of that? NOTHING says streetball like Wayne Brady… NOTHING.

White movie equivalent=
Over the top sports movie about Baseball or Hockey

1) A movie about weed

I admit I love some of the “weed” movies, “Half Baked” and “Friday” mixed in with a little Cheech and Chong is always good for your movie collection. But how many movies do we need past that? Also, is it required for Snoop to make a cameo in anything that even mentions weed? Is there a special weed signal that goes up in the air once they are ready to start casting to alert Snoop they need him? Does he have a contract with every studio ever saying he is required to make a cameo appearance, how does this work exactly?

White movie equivalent= A movie with a lovable drunk character… Chris Tucker is the African American equivalent of Dudley Moore.

Can you see why I said I would be pissed if I was black? I think I have seen two movies in the last year that has deviated from this plan, “Dreamgirls” but that was really made for older people, black or white, that wanted to relive Motown. The other was the one where an African American girl who has a high powered job falls in love with her landscape designer who was white, I guess it could fall into a fifth category in the “Stella Got Her Groove Back” type of mode but I don’t think there is enough of them to classify as a category.

Am I crazy or is there something here?

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

51 Responses to “If I was Black I would hate Hollywood”

  1. Settor59 says:

    Lectures on government and binding. ,

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