The Single Greatest E-mail Ever

Happy 4th of July to all the American readers and for your British readers this is the day we sit around and make fun of you. I wasn’t going to write anything today but I got the single greatest e-mail ever yesterday and they told me I could share this. Never before have I had an e-mail that covers like 5 different bases: disturbing, funny, hot, intriguing, and lesbianism. This is better than any fireworks I am going to see tonight:

Normally I would never reply, but… I’ve had two stalkers. One was a mentally challenged guy and the other was my former roomie from college. The mentally challenged guy began stalking me when i was 15. At first, his family told me that he just had a severe speech impediment and that’s ALL they told me. He began falling for me (he was 27) and I thought it was cute when he started calling me his girlfriend. We lived maybe 500 miles apart, so I wasn’t worried about anything, especially because he wasn’t allowed to drive. That should’ve been a clue. I wrote him a letter because he called me like 10 times a day, and I figured he would read the letter whenever he had the urge to call me. Well he told me he read the letter every time he masturbated and it had gotten so covered in his seed he had to put it away until it dried. thats when I decided to “break up” with him. Well he got so upset, he took his cousins car and started to drive to my house at 11pm. I get a phone call at 11:30 from his caregiver who said they didn’t know where he was and he may have tried to come to my house…and then called me all sorts of a whore and i should find a guy my age blah blah. For the next two hours My best friend kept yelling at me to come over to her house so he wouldn’t come over and rape and/or kill me, but they found him at this local bar he liked to hang out at, drowning himself in rum and coke, crying about how the love of his life broke up with him. I effectively blocked him out of my life, except for one time he sent me an IM saying “g.” I never understood it either.

My girl stalker was three years older than me, and I was an incoming freshman, she was a transfer student. My friend was supposed to be my roomie but she backed out. I looked around and stumbled upon a girl named Jo. She said her roomie didn’t want to talk to her so she was looking for a new one as well. We began talking and stuff, we seemed to click very well. My 18th birthday was eleven days before her 21st, we had a huge party, things were great. We had a policy about masturbation in the room – if you’re horny, do it. It was maybe three days after the party, on a boring saturday. I watched some porn and got horny, so I masturbated. I guess I was really into it with my eyes closed, not paying attention to anything…then i felt another hand on my vagina. I look, and it’s her. I knew she was bi, but she had a boyfriend of 6 years. I let her continue and then take over. Long story short – we had lesbian anal sex. It was only my second time with a girl and it was kinda oddly hot. So it happened a few more times, and I was pretty much done with it, but she didn’t take no for an answer. I’d wake up and she’d be inserting objects into me, or she’d be laying in my bed masturbating. The end of that semester I switched out and roomed with another friend of mine. She got pretty pissed and began to lurk around my classes, my car and places I liked to frequent. Spring break of that year, she followed me home, and I didn’t know until I went over to my best friends house and she says to me “that looks like the girl you had sex with.” I looked at her and she sped off. She didn’t follow me anymore, but began sending me emails and text messages and all sorts of shit for a few months, until I told her boyfriend about everything. She still calls me every few months or so, asking if she could hang out with me and apologize.

Crazy Bitch.

I don’t know if I should be disturbed, laugh, or masturbate….

Happy 4th!