The Single Greatest E-mail Ever
Happy 4th of July to all the American readers and for your British readers this is the day we sit around and make fun of you. I wasn’t going to write anything today but I got the single greatest e-mail ever yesterday and they told me I could share this. Never before have I had an e-mail that covers like 5 different bases: disturbing, funny, hot, intriguing, and lesbianism. This is better than any fireworks I am going to see tonight:
Normally I would never reply, but… I’ve had two stalkers. One was a mentally challenged guy and the other was my former roomie from college. The mentally challenged guy began stalking me when i was 15. At first, his family told me that he just had a severe speech impediment and that’s ALL they told me. He began falling for me (he was 27) and I thought it was cute when he started calling me his girlfriend. We lived maybe 500 miles apart, so I wasn’t worried about anything, especially because he wasn’t allowed to drive. That should’ve been a clue. I wrote him a letter because he called me like 10 times a day, and I figured he would read the letter whenever he had the urge to call me. Well he told me he read the letter every time he masturbated and it had gotten so covered in his seed he had to put it away until it dried. thats when I decided to “break up” with him. Well he got so upset, he took his cousins car and started to drive to my house at 11pm. I get a phone call at 11:30 from his caregiver who said they didn’t know where he was and he may have tried to come to my house…and then called me all sorts of a whore and i should find a guy my age blah blah. For the next two hours My best friend kept yelling at me to come over to her house so he wouldn’t come over and rape and/or kill me, but they found him at this local bar he liked to hang out at, drowning himself in rum and coke, crying about how the love of his life broke up with him. I effectively blocked him out of my life, except for one time he sent me an IM saying “g.” I never understood it either.
My girl stalker was three years older than me, and I was an incoming freshman, she was a transfer student. My friend was supposed to be my roomie but she backed out. I looked around and stumbled upon a girl named Jo. She said her roomie didn’t want to talk to her so she was looking for a new one as well. We began talking and stuff, we seemed to click very well. My 18th birthday was eleven days before her 21st, we had a huge party, things were great. We had a policy about masturbation in the room - if you’re horny, do it. It was maybe three days after the party, on a boring saturday. I watched some porn and got horny, so I masturbated. I guess I was really into it with my eyes closed, not paying attention to anything…then i felt another hand on my vagina. I look, and it’s her. I knew she was bi, but she had a boyfriend of 6 years. I let her continue and then take over. Long story short - we had lesbian anal sex. It was only my second time with a girl and it was kinda oddly hot. So it happened a few more times, and I was pretty much done with it, but she didn’t take no for an answer. I’d wake up and she’d be inserting objects into me, or she’d be laying in my bed masturbating. The end of that semester I switched out and roomed with another friend of mine. She got pretty pissed and began to lurk around my classes, my car and places I liked to frequent. Spring break of that year, she followed me home, and I didn’t know until I went over to my best friends house and she says to me “that looks like the girl you had sex with.” I looked at her and she sped off. She didn’t follow me anymore, but began sending me emails and text messages and all sorts of shit for a few months, until I told her boyfriend about everything. She still calls me every few months or so, asking if she could hang out with me and apologize.
Crazy Bitch.
I don’t know if I should be disturbed, laugh, or masturbate….
Happy 4th!
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On 07/4/07 at 6:18 am
said:
Wow, that has to be the craziest email I have ever read. Talk about having 2 disturbing stalkers.
On 07/4/07 at 6:20 am
said:
Why can’t I get emails like that!?!\par
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Man, you could have turned this into a “Dear Murray” blog if you were so inclined.
On 07/4/07 at 6:21 am
said:
You wrote that yourself, didn’t you?
On 07/4/07 at 6:22 am
said:
Why don’t you do all. Laugh by masturbating and disturbing everybody else
On 07/4/07 at 6:23 am
said:
Damn thats hot
On 07/4/07 at 6:24 am
said:
If i had a dollar for everytime i woke up to my roomate inserting something in me…\par
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wait….\par
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what?
On 07/4/07 at 6:25 am
said:
If i had a dollar for everytime i woke up to my roommate inserting something in me…\par
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wait….\par
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what?
On 07/4/07 at 6:26 am
said:
do you need another excuse to masturbate ? lol
On 07/4/07 at 6:26 am
said:
Holy cow….. the letter covered in seed was you wasn’t it….
On 07/4/07 at 6:28 am
said:
That email rules!!!
On 07/4/07 at 6:29 am
said:
[quote comment="2685"]Wow, that has to be the craziest email I have ever read. Talk about having 2 disturbing stalkers.[/quote]\par
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I know it was great.
On 07/4/07 at 6:29 am
said:
“I let her continue and then take over. Long story short - we had lesbian anal sex.”\par
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WTF! She left all the good parts out. What a tease.
On 07/4/07 at 6:29 am
said:
[quote comment="2686"]Why can’t I get emails like that!?!\par
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Man, you could have turned this into a “Dear Murray” blog if you were so inclined.[/quote]\par
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I could have but I am sooooooo lazy today
On 07/4/07 at 6:31 am
said:
[quote comment="2687"]You wrote that yourself, didn’t you?[/quote]\par
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Are you kidding, it is too lucid to be written by me
On 07/4/07 at 6:31 am
said:
Wow, that’s insane.
On 07/4/07 at 6:32 am
said:
[quote comment="2688"]Why don’t you do all. Laugh by masturbating and disturbing everybody else[/quote]\par
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Go for the triple crown?
On 07/4/07 at 6:33 am
said:
for the record im masturbating….\par
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anal lesbian sex?!…thats what im talking about!
On 07/4/07 at 6:33 am
said:
[quote comment="2690"]If i had a dollar for everytime i woke up to my roomate inserting something in me…\par
\par
wait….\par
\par
what?[/quote]\par
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you would call this a “tuesday”
On 07/4/07 at 6:34 am
said:
[quote comment="2692"]do you need another excuse to masturbate ? lol[/quote]\par
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good point
On 07/4/07 at 6:34 am
said:
i like how you left out the way the email ends\par
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“She didn\’e2\’80\’99t follow me anymore, but began sending me emails and text messages and all sorts of shit for a few months, until I told her boyfriend about everything. She still calls me every few months or so, asking if she could hang out with me and apologize.\par
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Crazy Bitch.\par
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have you considered switching your long distance call service to verizon?”
On 07/4/07 at 6:34 am
said:
[quote comment="2693"]Holy cow….. the letter covered in seed was you wasn’t it….[/quote]\par
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(hangs head in shame)
On 07/4/07 at 6:35 am
said:
[quote comment="2694"]That email rules!!![/quote]\par
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The single greatest e-mail ever
On 07/4/07 at 6:36 am
said:
[quote comment="2696"]“I let her continue and then take over. Long story short - we had lesbian anal sex.”\par
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WTF! She left all the good parts out. What a tease.[/quote]\par
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I know… what a let down
On 07/4/07 at 6:37 am
said:
[quote comment="2701"]for the record im masturbating….\par
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anal lesbian sex?!…thats what im talking about![/quote]\par
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Now that is a good way to start the fourth of July
On 07/4/07 at 6:38 am
said:
[quote comment="2704"]\par
have you considered switching your long distance call service to verizon?”[/quote]\par
\par
does verizon lead to more hot lesbian sex?
On 07/4/07 at 7:04 am
said:
Wow…wtf! Now why can’t happen to me either. The only quasi-stalker I ever had was a half-dim witted girl and she sounds like this girl’s first stalker in someways…yikes. Yeah I heard some fact about if you sign up with Verizon you can get “In”. I always wondered about that term….
On 07/4/07 at 7:13 am
said:
Happy Fourth of July!!!!
On 07/4/07 at 7:39 am
said:
OK, that does it. My girls aren’t going to college.
On 07/4/07 at 7:39 am
said:
This is way to funny….and really creepy at the same time! Why on earth would you talk to a mentally retarded guy and let him say he is your boyfriend though?
On 07/4/07 at 7:52 am
said:
That was too funny…you were right…that had everything
On 07/4/07 at 8:03 am
said:
Wow, that is kind of disturbing, but I loved the last line, “I don\’e2\’80\’99t know if I should be disturbed, laugh, or masturbate\’e2\’80\’a6.”\par
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GREAT STUFF!
On 07/4/07 at 8:06 am
said:
yeah, that’s definitely disturbing on so many levels. I don’t think I can get the letter covered in seed out of my mind.
On 07/4/07 at 8:08 am
said:
And Grrrr! There’s that picture of that white guy! I still don’t know how in the hell that is there… Is your stalker implanting his picture somewhere to appear after my comments or what?
On 07/4/07 at 9:30 am
said:
[quote post="598"]Long story short - we had lesbian anal sex.[/quote]\par
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To heck with long story short. The beauty is in the details
On 07/4/07 at 9:42 am
said:
Just keep laughing Kevin…the stalkers hold the title for ‘disturbed’ and…last time I checked, masturbation didn’t qualify as sex.\par
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Happy birthday USA - let’s enjoy it while we still have it.
On 07/4/07 at 10:34 am
said:
Um, mutual masturbation counts legally as sex but whatever.\par
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Anyway, great post. It made me laugh.\par
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I am avoiding the 4th because of a cold. \par
How is your wagon?
On 07/4/07 at 11:08 am
said:
I’m glad you all liked my stalker stories. You think reading them was fun? Imagine living through them. I have to say though, my special-ed stalker “ex-bf” probably scared me the most, since he would cry each time I had to hang up the phone. \par
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and an interesting update-\par
Jo is in my town for the 4th and I’ve decided to accept her apology and hang out at my house. If there’s anymore lesbian anal, I’ll make sure to let Kevin know, with details AND pictures.
On 07/4/07 at 11:46 am
said:
Good GOD ALMIGHTY!!!\par
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Well I know I’m old, but masturbating in front of someone seems like asking for crowd participation.
On 07/4/07 at 11:48 am
said:
Oh yeah…\par
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WTF is lesbian anal sex?!!??\par
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ohnoes I’m both old and stupid!!1
On 07/4/07 at 12:06 pm
said:
g
On 07/4/07 at 12:42 pm
said:
Great google moogle!! The visual I have of seed all over the letter is both frightening yet intriguing all at once…Hmm I wonder if that make me dysfunctional? hehe great story!
On 07/4/07 at 3:10 pm
said:
I want to know more about lesbian anal sex.
On 07/4/07 at 4:51 pm
said:
ok, sounds like someone just has a weird way of attracting the wrong person. Wish I knew her… lol
On 07/4/07 at 6:15 pm
said:
[quote comment="2687"]You wrote that yourself, didn’t you?[/quote]\par
I bet, great comment.
On 07/4/07 at 6:20 pm
said:
I thin I have said this before - I had a stalker in college that went ape shit nuts. Last time i saw her in person she was in the back of a polcie car with her dad on the way to a mental hospital for a 48 hour eval.\par
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I las saw her in a porn a buddy sent me with the note “recognize the Tats?” He then made a point to send me all of he movies for birthday, x-mas and just becuase.
On 07/4/07 at 9:03 pm
said:
Are you fuckin kidding me? i want to strangle all parties involved… including the author. no hope for the human race. i thought i was scared of global warming. i know longer fear an ice age. i wish it upon us all so we may wipe this world clean of fuckin nutballs. unbelievable.
On 07/4/07 at 10:40 pm
said:
I get email like this at least once a week. What’s the big deal?
On 07/5/07 at 6:14 am
said:
Wait… lesbian ANAL?? I’ve been with girls, and it’s never been anal. She went there the first time? We have a kinky chick on our hands here, I love it! lmao!
On 07/5/07 at 6:39 am
said:
So, your next blog is gonna be…. how you were so disturbed by the Single Greatest E-Mail ever that you laughed while masturbating….????
On 07/5/07 at 7:05 am
said:
gross
On 07/5/07 at 7:57 am
said:
[quote comment="2698"][quote comment="2687"]You wrote that yourself, didn’t you?[/quote]\par
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Are you kidding, it is too lucid to be written by me[/quote]\par
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I think it was the anal sex part that gave it away.
On 07/5/07 at 9:41 am
said:
[quote comment="2744"]Are you fuckin kidding me? i want to strangle all parties involved… including the author. no hope for the human race. i thought i was scared of global warming. i know longer fear an ice age. i wish it upon us all so we may wipe this world clean of fuckin nutballs. unbelievable.[/quote]\par
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No dear, I’m not fucking kidding you. The ones who stalk always feel that way about the ones being stalked. But I’m glad that you “know” longer fear an ice age, since the next predicted one is way after you and a couple hundred, possibly thousands grandchildren of yours have died. And, if you were fearing global warming, you wouldn’t have been afraid of the next ice age to begin with, since that wouldn’t have happened. If you’re going to try to be clever, make sure you know your facts. But it doesn’t help that I have degree in environmental science and that’s common knowledge.\par
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p.s. No lesbian anal last night. I even bought new lube :/\par
I hope everyone had a happy 4th!
On 07/5/07 at 10:51 am
said:
[quote comment="2821"][quote comment="2744"]Are you fuckin kidding me? i want to strangle all parties involved… including the author. no hope for the human race. i thought i was scared of global warming. i know longer fear an ice age. i wish it upon us all so we may wipe this world clean of fuckin nutballs. unbelievable.[/quote]\par
\par
No dear, I’m not fucking kidding you. The ones who stalk always feel that way about the ones being stalked. But I’m glad that you “know” longer fear an ice age, since the next predicted one is way after you and a couple hundred, possibly thousands grandchildren of yours have died. And, if you were fearing global warming, you wouldn’t have been afraid of the next ice age to begin with, since that wouldn’t have happened. If you’re going to try to be clever, make sure you know your facts. But it doesn’t help that I have degree in environmental science and that’s common knowledge.\par
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p.s. No lesbian anal last night. I even bought new lube :/\par
I hope everyone had a happy 4th![/quote]\par
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WOW- I have never read such a load of bullshit ever- from the email to the responses… You, Talisa have quite a future as a Penthouse forum writer. Or you’re delusional. Either way, good luck.
On 07/9/07 at 2:16 pm
said:
Seriously dude, Im thinking of stalking you.\par
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That is crazy. I am still trying to think of what the ‘g’ means. Maybe your a g-man? Most of the slang now-a-days from the gangstas is “G”. Thats what I hear many of them calling each other.