2007 July | Pointless Banter

Archive for July, 2007

Reason Number 150 Why You Should Have a License to Have a Kid

Published by Kevin on July 31, 2007 in Things I Think About. 48 Comments

Two months ago my mother went to the east coast for my cousin’s graduation from high school, while there the most fantastical event happened.

At my cousin’s graduation party there was a very heavy set girl there that was dating the son of my aunt’s boyfriend. She was right around the age of 20 and was having a hell of a time at the party, Julie was hitting the mixed drinks hard (otherwise known as Lohan style). The girl also chain smoked like someone was trying to take her cigarettes away from her, all in all a very charming girl who was someone you just couldn’t forget.

The next morning my mom got a phone call from my aunt.

Aunt: Well we had a little problem here last night with Julie.
Mom: Wait… who is Julie?
Aunt: The girl that drank like a fish and smoked like 17 packs last night.
Mom: Oh my god what happened? Did she throw up all over the place? She really was drinking a ton.
Aunt: Not exactly, she had some abdominal pain and we ended up rushing her to the hospital.
Mom: Is she okay?
Aunt: Yeah, she gave birth to a 4.5 pound baby.
Mom: …. uh…..

Yup, Julie was pregnant and didn’t even know it. Apparently Julie’s periods are rather spotty and she didn’t even second guess that she hadn’t had one for like 8 months. Thankfully the baby was healthy, a little premature but healthy, how it didn’t end up with fetal alcohol syndrome or looking like the midget that used to hang out with Pedro Martinez I don’t know.

Pedro Martinez’s midget

How is it possible to not know you are pregnant?

While I don’t have a fallopian tubes, I still have a general understanding of when something is changing in my body. Basically the rule of thumb is that when it hurts when I pee I need to go to the doctor. How could this girl miss the cramps, nipple irritation, nausea, back pain, cravings, headaches, or frequent urination? Did she just pass it off as a shitty plate of nachos bell grande accompanied by a little too much to drink?

Pregnant Fat Girl

The person I really feel bad for is the boyfriend, talk about stepping on a land mine. He is now saddled with a child that he didn’t know about with a girl that was too stupid to know she was pregnant, I see this turning out well.

Thoughts, smart ass remarks, comparable stories?

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Trip Notes: Colorado, Kansas, Indiana

Published by Kevin on July 30, 2007 in Cross Country Journey. 19 Comments

I made it to B-Lo in one piece, I just wanted to finish up the last of the road notes before I launched into some of the longer posts I have been working on…

Screaming Topeka every time you see it on a road sign helps keep your focusing during a long drive… It is scientifically proven.

In Missouri there was a billboard for “Passions: Adult Superstore and Party Supply Store”… Now this confuses me a little bit? Can I buy Buzz Lightyear hats and party favors as well as the latest edition of “Supermarket Skanks”? I think they might need to clear up the sign a little bit.

While in Colorado I went underwear shopping with my friend Tori, where I learned the best way to make everyone in Victoria Secrets feel totally uncomfortable.

Me: Hey Honey, I think you would look really good in these.
Tori: Don’t act like an idiot.
Me: Sorry Daughter….

The entire collection of females around the underwear table quickly walked away.

I wonder how much they paid for that billboard: In Kansas there was a porn superstore, immediatly next to the porn superstore was a billboard that said “Porn destroys, Jesus Saves”

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Trip Notes: Arizona and Utah

Published by Kevin on July 26, 2007 in Cross Country Journey. 13 Comments

It is 4:30 in the AM and I am sitting in a hotel room in Moab, Utah… Right now I would like to be getting some sleep but apparently the people in room 316 decided have an orgy or do something with sheep.

The drive through Northern Arizona was interesting, you went from desert to pine trees as far as the eye could see back to desert. I saw the greatest rainbow of my life as I went through the desert, then got destroyed by the biggest rain storm since Evan Almighty (I didn’t see that steaming pile of shit either, I just wanted to reference it). The route I took 89-160-191, basically led me through no man’s land, well I shouldn’t say that, there were plenty of potential polygamist compounds.

compound

Favorite Sign: Emergency Pullout (Hey I think that has been my birth control of choice for the last ten years.)

By going through the desert with hardly any other people on the road, I could go pretty much as fast as I wanted, which I enjoyed until I learned about open range cattle. On 191 there is a ton of open range cattle, going over a hill at 95 mph and seeing a huge ass cow in front of you really teaches you to slow down a little. I almost blasted one cow and for the next ten minutes all I could think about was how that would have been a shitty way to die. Crashing into a cow, then having them crap on me as they die and I slow fade away in the twisted steel and potential hamburger with the smell of manure lingering…

I-Pod Song I can’t get enough of: Glendora by Rilo Kiley

Before I stopped to get a place to sleep last night I thought about trying to find an out of the way town and hoping that it would be controlled by one crime boss like the movie Run. I could run afoul of said crime boss and end up racing and fighting my way out of the town while single handily taking down the syndicate, the idea seemed to be a winner to me. However, I was wearing flip flops and knew they weren’t the correct shoes to either race in or fight in. Once again functional fashion and lack of sensible shoes ruin my ability to fight organized crime.

Well the sex parade has stopped, I am going to see if I can sleep for the next two hours.

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Trip Notes: Phoenix

Published by Kevin on July 25, 2007 in Cross Country Journey. 13 Comments

Originally my trip across country was supposed to be a leisurely saunter but now it has turned into, “Get your ass back to New York because you are playing in a golf tournament with us on Sunday.” So I am cutting my visits short and rushing back to New York, otherwise I will never hear the end of it. I am about to head towards Denver in another hour so I figured I would give everyone an update…

Here are some of my random notes from the road:

-Phoenix is one of the fastest growing cities in the United States, after experiencing their 109 degree heat and examining the giant concrete slab that is the city I can see why. You know a city isn’t right for you when you step out of the car and you have ass crack sweat within thirty seconds.

strip mall

-What is the deal with so many doctors and dentists setting up shop in mini-malls? This is something that I have only seen in Arizona and California… I honestly don’t get it. There was one plaza that had a subway, a super cuts, a chuck e cheese, and a kidney dialysis place… Doesn’t that kind of crush their credibility? Nothing says a serious medical treatment like crappy subs, bad haircuts, and screaming kids watching animatronic mice.

-My favorite place I drove by: A converted gas station turned into a porn emporium where you can buy 4 DVDS for twenty dollars… WITH NO LIMIT TO YOUR PURCHASE. The4 for $20 was enough of a hook but no limit on my purchase? Can I just send them direct deposit?

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Isn’t your entire goal as an adult not to wait in line?

Published by Kevin on July 24, 2007 in Things I Think About. 11 Comments

In seeing the throngs of people lining up for the new Harry Potter book this week I got to thinking… As an “adult” (and I use that term loosely) my entire motivation in life is to avoid waiting in lines for longer than five minutes. The only thing that I can understand waiting in line for is concert or sporting event tickets, besides that there is no reason to voluntarily wait in line.

line

I hate waiting in line with every fiber of my being, it isn’t because I think my time is too valuable to be spent in line because lets be frank, I piss away at least half an hour to an hour a day on a blog. So it’s not like I don’t have time to piss away… The reason why I don’t like it is because it creates totally uncomfortable situations. The thing is unless you are waiting in a line with a friend you are forced to bond with the people around you. These are never cool people though, they are usually the dregs of society because they aren’t smart enough to figure out how NOT to wait in line.

Besides having to deal with people you wouldn’t let prepare your food, you also end up having to come to terms with something you like. For example lets say you go to an autograph signing of an athlete or a celebrity, the people that you will see in line will be usually the craziest of fans. In that line you will run into people that have spent hours creating a mural made of painted sand that took them 145 hours to make or someone that has named all their cats after each character the actor has played. Because of your interaction with these people you begin to question if you really like the person THAT much and maybe your time could be spent better.

So Harry Potter fans thank you… Thanks for making me come to the resolution that I will never wait in line for anything again, well except for an over priced Polaroid from a washed up porn star at a strip club…. after all a man does have to set limits.

What would you wait in line for and what would you not wait in line for?

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When did driving a car start making you invisible?

Published by Kevin on July 23, 2007 in My Life. 15 Comments

A few nights back I went out to dinner with the fam, as we were leaving the restaurant we pulled up next to a car. For about the next minute and a half we were treated to watching this guy pick his nose. Actually saying he was picking his nose doesn’t do it justice, he was molesting his brain by finger banging it, yeah… I think that sums it up.

nose picker

Of course my five year old nephew sees this and is transfixed, he screamed from the back seat, “That guy is picking his nose, ewwwww!” Then he settled in to stare at and laugh at the guy for the remainder of the time we were at the light. With about ten seconds left in the light the guy noticed a five year old glaring at him in the car next to him and quickly yanked his finger out of his nose. Now the nose picker had to do something to recover from this embarrassing moment, I figure he had three options.

1) Just laugh and shrug his shoulders- While he would be admitting to looking like a total douche it would have restored some dignity and made everyone else watching not as disgusted.

2) Pretend nothing happened- Denial is always a good way to go, even if it only is to delude yourself. After a night of heavy drinking, I had to vomit in the bathroom. With horrible breath and chunks on my shirt I thought I could rally and continue to hit on this girl that I had previously been talking to. I kept telling myself the lone stick of Big Red I had in my pocket was going to mask the smell… Note to self: Don’t talk dirty in a girl’s ear after vomiting, your mouth is awfully close to her nose.

3) Wipe a massive booger on the car window- This kind of gives the people watching the reason why you did it. When they see this two inch string of gunk from your nose they will all think to themselves that they would have done the same thing. Sometimes you just need to clear house…
So what option did he go with? Number 4…

4) Look into the mirror and examine his nose like there is potentially something wrong with it- He must have already flicked the evidence off his finger making option number three unavailable, instead he looked into his mirror and examined his nose like he was doing a cancer check. My guess is that is also his standard reaction for when he gets caught masturbating, thankfully that is something I won’t have to experience.
Finally the light changed and nose picker sped off but it left me with the question:

Do you feel like nobody can see you when you drive your car?

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