80s Hair Bands That Didn’t Know When to Hang Up Their Spandex

Bon Jovi has somehow been lucky enough to have survived all of these years, past its hair band heyday, partly because of the good looks and charisma of its frontman, and partly due to their ability to write really bland pop music that is radio-friendly.

But few, if any, other hair bands from this era have been able to do the same.  Now mind you, that hasn’t stopped them from putting out album after shitty album.  I decided to take a peek at a couple of artists on www.amazon.com to see what they’ve been up to, and it is both funny and sad all at once.

Slaughter

We all remember Slaughter’s hit album, Stick it to Ya:

You have no idea how many times I “relieved” myself to that album cover.  It was a decent Hair Metal album too, with two HUGE hits: “Up all Night” and “Fly to the Angels,” which actually had some of the better power ballad lyrics of the time.  But alas, the album was released in the twilight of the Hair Metal reign, and when their second album tanked, it appeared that was it for Mark Slaughter (lol) and the gang.  Um, except it turns out it wasn’t.  Check out all of the albums they put out after that:

Fear No Evil – 1995

Hmm, I don’t get it?  Like, what’s the snake supposed to symbolize?  World hunger?  This album is packed with songs with original song titles like “Let the Good Times Roll” and “Breakdown N Cry.”

Revolution – 1997

Apparently with this one they finally realized they better change their image, so they, um, decided to drop some acid and become an updated version of Deep Purple?  Check out the patented “prayer pose” that Dana Strum is striking.  Perhaps he was praying for some album sales?

Back to Reality – 1999

Yes, Back to Reality indeed, as most members resumed their old jobs at Walmart and Pizza Hut.  Apparently they had taken some bad acid during the tour for the other album and were still tripping, cuz that cover looks like a Dali painting.  I believe this was Slaughter’s last album, although they have toured several times in the past few years.

Warrant

Unlike Slaughter, Warrant was no flash in the Hair Metal pan, and had two really big albums that spawned several hit songs:

Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich – 1989

with “Down Boys,” “Sometimes she Cries,” and “Heaven,” and

Cherry Pie – 1990

with “Cherry Pie,” one of the cheesiest songs ever penned, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” and the eye-rollingly sappy “I Saw Red.”  I guess Warrant didn’t see the handwriting on the wall yet though, and they just kept cranking out the albums for years afterward:

Dog Eat Dog – 1992

This was Warrant’s attempt to get “tough,” with their sound and lyrics getting more aggressive in a vain attempt to stay current.  It was a flop.  Donk is ashamed to admit this, but I actually like this album to some extent.

Ultraphobic – 1995

As the cheap cover art clearly displays, Warrant by ‘95 was not what it once was.  WTF is this cover even supposed to mean?  Warrant’s music is so heavy that it will incinerate people from the 1950s?

Belly to Belly – 1996

They must have seen how well the whole 70s thing worked out for Slaughter and decided to follow suit.  And as we all know by now: fetuses are SOOO metal.  I shit you not: I think it was shortly after this album that singer and songwriter Jani Lane became a chef at a restaurant.

Under the Influence – 2001

This was actually a collection of cover songs, because America was SCREAMING to hear Warrant cover “Toys in the Attic.”

Born Again – 2006

That’s right folks, Warrant is apparently still making music even to this day.  That being said, Born Again is the first album without Jani Lane, who pretty much IS Warrant.  With titles like “Devil’s Juice” and “Good Times,” it’s nice to see that Warrant has evolved in the past 20 years.  Oh yeah, and as for Jani Lane, he has, and I’m not joking, released a solo album:

Back Down to One

The title, of course, referring to the number of fans who bought the album and saw him on tour.  Oh yeah, and he also appeared on Celebrity Fit Club and was a drunken mess.

Is it wrong that that somehow makes me respect Jani Lane more than I do Jon Bon Jovi?  I mean Hair Metal was always about drunken sleaze, and Jani has that all over Bon Jovi.  I wonder: why is it that one failed while the other continues to be a household name?

Um, nevermind.