Hey Doctor, Can I Get a Laugh?
So yesterday I went to get a physical and have a few of my shots updated, as required by my grad school. Now, like everyone else, I am not a huge fan of going to the doctors, you know that you are going to find out something you don’t want to. However, I was buoyed by the fact that my balls would get rolled in a check for testicular cancer, which always has potential.
I decided though to make fun of a bad situation and have some fun with the doctor, you know show some personality, lighten the situation. But what I found was a wall of non laughter, which made me want to get a laugh out of them that much more. In fact it got the point where I got to be so hacky that it was depressing. Here is a sample of the hits and misses from yesterday:
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me: (in a very serious voice) Just crack.
Doctor: Well that leads me into my next question about any drug habits you may have.
Reaction: What? Not even a snicker, the timing was perfect. I had to explain that I didn’t do crack after that because I didn’t want them to think I was Pookie from New Jack City.
Doctor: Is there any history of mental illness in your family?
Me: Well my parents are divorced I am sure they each have a very different answer.
Doctor: No… I mean diagnosed.
Reaction: Ok it was lame… I wish I could have gotten a mulligan for that one.
Doctor: The only two things I would have you do is get a blood check done to check your cholesterol and I would also recommend to get a STD test, being a young sexually active male. That test is done with blood and with urine…
Me: When my friend had that done they put a giant q-tip in the tip of his…
Doctor: With current technology we don’t need to probe.
Me: Phew, because that is really a hole that is exit only.
Doctor: So, should I order the tests?
Reaction: I’m standing by that one, that was funny.
All told I dropped four or five jokes with none of them getting a laugh. But the worst part about it was, no ball check, I must leave that to privacy of my own shower.
It was truly a sad day.
What are some of your uncomfortable Doctor appointments?
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On 06/29/07 at 5:49 am
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Just to make you feel better: I’ve never gotten a dr. to feel my balls, either.
On 06/29/07 at 5:50 am
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Seriuosly dude after 40, you really start to appreciate a doctor woth small hands………and NEVER go to a doctor that has both hands on your shoulders during the back door inspection.
On 06/29/07 at 5:53 am
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The time I went to see a new doctor for an annual girly exam. It was timei for her to take a look and she kept telling me to move farther down the table. My right thigh got a major cramp and I went to kick my leg out cause it hurt like hell and I missed her head by mear inches…haha
On 06/29/07 at 5:53 am
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You should hear the jokes I start telling when I am in the stirrups… \par
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Men have it so easy. Hahahaha
On 06/29/07 at 5:53 am
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[quote comment="2350"]Seriuosly dude after 40, you really start to appreciate a doctor woth small hands………and NEVER go to a doctor that has both hands on your shoulders during the back door inspection.[/quote]\par
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Now that is sound advice
On 06/29/07 at 5:54 am
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I think you have forgotten a simple truth Kevin. People don’t go into med school because they like to laugh. It’s serious business for serious people who want to save the world.\par
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Just imagine if Doctors were comedians.. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your husband has… a small penis. Haha. Just joking Mrs Robinson. His penis is fine…. for an chipmunk !! Tee hee hee… ” or “I’m sorry Mr Johnson, but you only have 6 months to live, but I’ve met your wife, so it might actually be more like 2.. but feel like 200″…\par
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On 06/29/07 at 5:54 am
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[quote comment="2349"]Just to make you feel better: I’ve never gotten a dr. to feel my balls, either.[/quote]\par
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You are so missing out
On 06/29/07 at 5:54 am
said:
That’s hilarious, Kevin. I don’t really have any funny stories, unfortunately, but I am going to HAVE to try some deadpan on the doc next time I go. Heh, hope the physical yields nothing but good results!
On 06/29/07 at 5:55 am
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[quote comment="2351"]The time I went to see a new doctor for an annual girly exam. It was timei for her to take a look and she kept telling me to move farther down the table. My right thigh got a major cramp and I went to kick my leg out cause it hurt like hell and I missed her head by mear inches…haha[/quote]\par
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That would have taught her
On 06/29/07 at 5:56 am
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[quote comment="2352"]You should hear the jokes I start telling when I am in the stirrups…\par
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Men have it so easy. Hahahaha[/quote]\par
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Once the clamps go down the humor comes out?
On 06/29/07 at 5:57 am
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[quote comment="2354"]\par
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or “I’m sorry Mr Johnson, but you only have 6 months to live, but I’ve met your wife, so it might actually be more like 2.. but feel like 200″…\par
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;)[/quote]\par
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good point… although that would be hilarious.
On 06/29/07 at 5:58 am
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[quote comment="2356"]That’s hilarious, Kevin. I don’t really have any funny stories, unfortunately, but I am going to HAVE to try some deadpan on the doc next time I go. Heh, hope the physical yields nothing but good results![/quote]\par
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No testie exam and a shot… there was nothing that could redeem this trip.
On 06/29/07 at 6:06 am
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haha, that reminds me of this video, but only a little differnt\par
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=IVZMnai5CNE&mode=related&search=
On 06/29/07 at 6:07 am
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[quote post="593"]Once the clamps go down the humor comes out?[/quote]\par
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Yeahhhhhh……\par
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The worst part is that every gyno that I have been to likes to talk to you during your examination. I suppose to cut the tension. It is similar to when your dentist chats with you and you can’t chat back because their hand is in your mouth…\par
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A speculum has the same effect… \par
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Especially when your Doc likes to cut the ice by making it look like a duck and quack. Perhaps I should go to another doctor… Food for thought.
On 06/29/07 at 6:07 am
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I found out I was pregnant with my second child in the emergency room. When the male doc was going to use the special “tool” I said, “no, I don’t want the quacky thing”. He snidely told me “it’s called a speculum”. Mind you I’m grouchy from 48 hours of dehydration and I had been vomiting almost non stop for about a week, so my ability to let his attitude go was at nil. So I told him, “I know what it’s called jackass, but until you have one of those stuck in you I’m going to reserve my right to call it whatever the hell I want”. That merited a laugh from the entire staff in the room including him, but I wasn’t trying to be funny that time…
On 06/29/07 at 6:15 am
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[quote comment="2362"]haha, that reminds me of this video, but only a little differnt\par
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http://youtube.com/watch?v=IVZMnai5CNE&mode=related&search=/quote\par
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The pants around the ankles cracks me up every time.
On 06/29/07 at 6:16 am
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It could be worse, he could get down there and say things like, “For some reason I have a hankering for Roast Beef for lunch today.”\par
On 06/29/07 at 6:30 am
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The most awkward moment I had at the doctor’s happened when I was pregnant. I was put on pelvic rest, and in front of my mother the doctor went on to explain what that meant, including the part about masturbation. Now, I don’t have a problem admitting that I masturbate, but I don’t want to discuss it in front of my mom. She still wants to think that Mackenzie was an immaculate conception.
On 06/29/07 at 6:30 am
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Two words: prostate exam
On 06/29/07 at 6:31 am
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I don’t have a personal physician, but I do go to the doctor with my parents a lot. \par
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Their internist is a great guy. He’s not above dropping the occasional F bomb around my dad, which always gets a snicker from Pops. He also once told a drug rep (a particularly young, pretty one) that my dad used to be a porn star.\par
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My dad recently had bladder cancer. While at his urologist, he had to have a prostate exam. He asked the doctor if he could get a reacharound, or at least dinner and drinks after. \par
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My dad rules.
On 06/29/07 at 6:47 am
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I too tell jokes in the stirrups. My Gyno thinks I’m hilarious. \par
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“Seriuosly dude after 40, you really start to appreciate a doctor woth small hands\’e2\’80\’a6\’e2\’80\’a6\’e2\’80\’a6and NEVER go to a doctor that has both hands on your shoulders during the back door inspection”\par
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My boyfriend says the same thing. Although he is not 40. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
On 06/29/07 at 7:00 am
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Worst visit ever was when I got my first girl annual test done. This bitch wanted to engage me in unnecessary conversation when I just wanted her to shut the fuck up and get it over with. I always dred that time of the year.
On 06/29/07 at 7:24 am
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The only timr I go the doctor is when I’m too sick to fight my mother off…..I hate doctors.
On 06/29/07 at 7:25 am
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you referenced new jack city and i almost fell out of my chair. so sad about the lack of ball checkedness. and i hate when i know i’m dropping hilarious jokes and get no laugh. to me it’s akin to someone stabbing a baby in the throat with a semi-dull razor blade. aka it’s brutal.
On 06/29/07 at 8:05 am
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One time my gynecologist took forever and at the end told me that I’m really good at keeping my legs open for a long time.
On 06/29/07 at 8:10 am
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lol… that’s a good one… awwww… it’s so sad that many Doctors have poor bedside manners. You would hope that they would be fun engaging individuals but many seem to have the holier than thou attitude… but my intentions are get into medicine (that’s what I am in school for anyways) and I hope that I do not lose my ability to laugh and banter back.. however. I am sure some patients are looking to their Doctor as the authority on their health issues and may have a problem with a Doctor who clowns around. I guess like everything else.. it’s finding the Doctor you feel comfortable with. Unless this is a one time thing; perhaps you should just switch Doctors?
On 06/29/07 at 8:12 am
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[quote comment="2366"]It could be worse, he could get down there and say things like, “For some reason I have a hankering for Roast Beef for lunch today.”[/quote]\par
Thanks so much…I’m eating roast beef or lunch. YAK!
On 06/29/07 at 8:13 am
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[quote comment="2366"]It could be worse, he could get down there and say things like, “For some reason I have a hankering for Roast Beef for lunch today.”[/quote]\par
Thanks so much…I’m eating roast beef for lunch. YAK!
On 06/29/07 at 8:14 am
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[quote comment="2367"]The most awkward moment I had at the doctor’s happened when I was pregnant. I was put on pelvic rest, and in front of my mother the doctor went on to explain what that meant, including the part about masturbation. [/quote]\par
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At least he didn’t demonstrate
On 06/29/07 at 8:15 am
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[quote comment="2379"][quote comment="2366"]It could be worse, he could get down there and say things like, “For some reason I have a hankering for Roast Beef for lunch today.”[/quote]\par
Thanks so much…I’m eating roast beef or lunch. YAK![/quote]\par
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Another meal ruined
On 06/29/07 at 8:16 am
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[quote comment="2368"]Two words: prostate exam[/quote]\par
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Maybe they will milk it for me next time
On 06/29/07 at 8:17 am
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[quote comment="2369"]\par
My dad recently had bladder cancer. While at his urologist, he had to have a prostate exam. He asked the doctor if he could get a reacharound, or at least dinner and drinks after.\par
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My dad rules.[/quote]\par
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The reacharound line was classic
On 06/29/07 at 8:18 am
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[quote comment="2372"]Worst visit ever was when I got my first girl annual test done. This bitch wanted to engage me in unnecessary conversation when I just wanted her to shut the fuck up and get it over with. I always dred that time of the year.[/quote]\par
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Did they do the echo joke?
On 06/29/07 at 8:19 am
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[quote comment="2374"]The only timr I go the doctor is when I’m too sick to fight my mother off…..I hate doctors.[/quote]\par
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There is a lot of places I can go with that.
On 06/29/07 at 8:20 am
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[quote comment="2375"]you referenced new jack city and i almost fell out of my chair. so sad about the lack of ball checkedness. and i hate when i know i’m dropping hilarious jokes and get no laugh. to me it’s akin to someone stabbing a baby in the throat with a semi-dull razor blade. aka it’s brutal.[/quote]\par
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A lot of pookie goes a long way
On 06/29/07 at 8:21 am
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[quote comment="2377"]One time my gynecologist took forever and at the end told me that I’m really good at keeping my legs open for a long time.[/quote]\par
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You should put that on your resume
On 06/29/07 at 8:22 am
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[quote comment="2378"] Unless this is a one time thing; perhaps you should just switch Doctors?[/quote]\par
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I am moving in three weeks, it was a one time thing.
On 06/29/07 at 8:27 am
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I doubt you’re the first person to tell those jokes. I’m a nervous joke teller at the doctor’s office and they NEVER laugh.
On 06/29/07 at 8:47 am
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LOL I thought your jokes were funny! I recently had to go get my ankle checked out and a friend of mine was visiting from WA so she went with me. As I’m in the exam room, the doc asks me if he can speak freely with her present and I said sure. He then proceeds to say “well, the good news is your herpes hasn’t flared up in quite some time” to which my jaw dropped (caught totally off guard)and my friend falls out laughing! He, of course, apologizes and says he’s joking but that’s the kind of relationship I have with him! I love it when a doc can be down to earth like that you know?
On 06/29/07 at 8:59 am
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We have previously established the fact that I have always had a magnificent rack, yes?\par
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When I was about 19 I went to a new OB/GYN for my annual. After the standard breast palpitation to check for lumps, he put doun the sheet, had me sit up, and rotate my arms while he stood a couple of feet back while he watched. He said “good tissue flow”. I was too mortified and embarrassed to do what I should have done- kick him in the balls and run out to the reception room and demand to speak to someone, and then report him. Needless to say I went to a woman doctor after that. \par
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Sorry it’s not a funny story Kev- just a creepy one…
On 06/29/07 at 9:01 am
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I would say that Colonoskopi was the worst ever! I would rather have a full body suit tattoo done while someone is sticking their arm down my throat than to do one of them again. Truly a violation!\par
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Other than that I like going to the doctor, someone asking questions about me and taking care of me…me me me, better than blog radio! I also have a freaky thing for needles which makes me sound like a junky but I’m really not… only alcoholic still.\par
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5 Kudos for the jokes!
On 06/29/07 at 10:08 am
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Just stumbled on your page… good going!
On 06/29/07 at 10:31 am
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Funny!
Any one who tries to make a doctor laugh gets kudos from me.
On 06/29/07 at 10:39 am
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[quote comment="2385"][quote comment="2372"]Worst visit ever was when I got my first girl annual test done. This bitch wanted to engage me in unnecessary conversation when I just wanted her to shut the fuck up and get it over with. I always dred that time of the year.[/quote]\par
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Did they do the echo joke?[/quote]\par
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No, no jokes. I wish though because it would have kinda made it go quicker. She basically asked me about school and other shit that I don’t need to talk about with a doctor.
On 06/29/07 at 12:01 pm
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[quote comment="2386"][quote comment="2374"]The only timr I go the doctor is when I’m too sick to fight my mother off…..I hate doctors.[/quote]\par
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There is a lot of places I can go with that.[/quote]\par
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I realize, I’m ready, give it your best shot.
On 06/29/07 at 2:31 pm
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Hey man long time and wtf is that? I have to go back and read your blog. This Is Just A Test For PC Dummies Like Me
On 06/29/07 at 2:33 pm
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Hey man long time and wtf is that? I have to go back and read your blog. This Is Just A Test For PC Dummies Like Me
Oh yeah Here’s your laugh… LMAO LOL and Hahahahaha Did I leave any out?
On 06/29/07 at 2:36 pm
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Kool it worked!!!!!!!!! You are so Funny
On 06/29/07 at 4:39 pm
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I would have to say the yearly OB/GYN exam is my least favorite thing about going to the doctors. I almost faint after I have it done. The breast exam thing ranks up there too, since my doctor is female.
On 07/1/07 at 6:00 am
said:
[quote comment="2358"][quote comment="2352"]You should hear the jokes I start telling when I am in the stirrups…\par
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Men have it so easy. Hahahaha[/quote]\par
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Once the clamps go down the humor comes out?[/quote]\par
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I would be more concerned if the doctor heard an echo while you’re in the stirrups.\par
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- Christian.
On 07/1/07 at 6:03 am
said:
[quote comment="2394"]We have previously established the fact that I have always had a magnificent rack, yes?\par
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When I was about 19 I went to a new OB/GYN for my annual. After the standard breast palpitation to check for lumps, he put doun the sheet, had me sit up, and rotate my arms while he stood a couple of feet back while he watched. He said “good tissue flow”. I was too mortified and embarrassed to do what I should have done- kick him in the balls and run out to the reception room and demand to speak to someone, and then report him. Needless to say I went to a woman doctor after that.\par
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Sorry it’s not a funny story Kev- just a creepy one…[/quote]\par
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Are you trying to imply that female doctors can’t be creepy?\par
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- Christian.
On 07/2/07 at 12:55 pm
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Went for the gyno/Girlie thing one time with my Husband in tow. We had been trying to get pregnant for the last year. At the exam they told my husband that it wasn’t going to happen because of slow sperm.\par
Then he procedes to do the exam. Finds out that I am indeed pregnant, comments on the fact that it must be super sperm OR maybe you just save up. Asks my husband if he would like to see what it looks like, and then adds ” In the Light” hahaha it was pretty funny