Kobayashi Hurts Jaw, Americans Have Chance
Sorry to have a third post about sports this week, but this is one that I know everyone follows… competitive eating…
If you haven’t heard yet, Japanese eating machine Kobayashi hurt his jaw and is going to have to pull out of the Nathan’s Famous HotDog Eating Contest. When I read the news I was shocked, it was like Kobe Bryant having to take time off from basketball after contracting herpes from a girl he raped in a hotel room… Not that Kobe would do anything like that.
This leaves a major void in the world of competitive eating, and it gives America a chance to retake the crown, so I am going to examine our best hopes for the competitive eating championship.
But before I give you my in-depth, expert analysis on the single greatest sport known to mankind, let me give you a little background and explain to you the pure domination that is Kobayashi. Last year in winning the title he put down 53 and three quarters hot dogs in twelve minutes, I don’t think I have eaten 53 hot dogs in my entire life. Not only did he set a world record in earning that title, he also is the champion at eating cow brains and rice balls. I would even say that he is the most dominate athlete in our lifetime, so you all kind of understand how big this opportunity is for us to regain the title.
Here our are best options:
1) A Random Hooker from CraigsList-
We all know my affinity for CraigsList Hookers, which you can read about here, you have to figure that they have had so many cocks in their mouths that they should be able to knock these hot dogs back with no problem. However I have a slight concern about the amount of food they can hold in their stomach, you have to figure the drug addiction and the never eating thing would make them barf after three hot dogs.
On the other hand desperation is always a good thing, you dangle enough money in front of these girls they will do anything, including a Cincinnati Bow-tie.
2) My Uncle Bob-
That lobster was alive until he saw my Uncle coming and hung himself. Rumor has it that my uncle once ate Cleveland and then shit it out, thus explaining the current state of the city. (Note to Cleveland: Putting in a rock and roll museum does not change the fact that you are still Cleveland.)
Now I know you are all waiting for me to take a shot at a fat celebrity like Rosie O’Donnell or perhaps make a Star Jones busting her stomach staple joke. But that would be too easy, sure I thought about raising John Candy from the dead but that would just be cruel, well not as cruel as saying Michael J. Fox would suck because he couldn’t hold a hot dog. Anyways… our next best hope would be:
3) Paris Hilton-
I know we are all so sick of hearing about her, but you know she wants to keep this public attention going. What better way to do that and capture America’s heart than to win the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest? Think about the story, the impending movies deals, the books, the paparazzi, the visits to Larry King Live… I mean really who could think of a better story. The hotel heiress comes out of the slammer and is in the need of a major junk food binge, hearing that Kobayashi is hurt, she recognizes that she is America’s best hope at regaining the title.
Picture this scene: She arrives via helicopter with “The Ride of the Valkyries” blasting at high volume, the press taking tons of pictures, flash bulbs bursting everywhere. Hilton steps to the table and eats “69″ hot dogs blowing away the competition, after eating the last dog she daintily pats the corners of her mouth like she just came from tea time. She easily could have eaten eaten more but afterwards explains, “I stopped on my favorite number.” When asked why she did this, she just answers with “America, that’s hot” and drapes herself in the American flag. The New York Post then has her on the front page the next day “That’s Hot…Dog” and she is America’s new sweetheart.
Can anyone think of a better way to redeem her image? Well besides hanging herself with a strap from a prada bag.
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On 06/27/07 at 5:16 am
said:
Kobayashi hurts his jaw from eating too many hot dogs? Hmmm I smell a new blog angle for Kevin…
On 06/27/07 at 5:18 am
said:
i have seen this man in action…TWICE. the competition won’t be the same without him. i mean, the guy leaves people in the fucking dust. it’s like he outdoes them by 20 hotdogs or so. sad. that uncle bob picture is priceless! i think a good contender would be michael moore. the dude is ballooning up like a macy’s day parade float. plus, he could put some spin on the contest and how it is tearing at the fabric of the country.
On 06/27/07 at 5:18 am
said:
I love the thought of Paris Hilton hanging herself. You just put a smile on my face for the day.
On 06/27/07 at 5:20 am
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[quote comment="2214"]Kobayashi hurts his jaw from eating too many hot dogs? Hmmm I smell a new blog angle for Kevin…[/quote]\par
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You don’t want to know how I hurt my jaw.
On 06/27/07 at 5:20 am
said:
I wish Chris Benoit would have killed Paris Hilton too…
On 06/27/07 at 5:24 am
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Jayzeus! The thought of Rosie and hot dogs in the morning made me wretch!
On 06/27/07 at 5:24 am
said:
[quote comment="2215"]i have seen this man in action…TWICE. the competition won’t be the same without him. i mean, the guy leaves people in the fucking dust. it’s like he outdoes them by 20 hotdogs or so. sad. that uncle bob picture is priceless! i think a good contender would be michael moore. the dude is ballooning up like a macy’s day parade float. plus, he could put some spin on the contest and how it is tearing at the fabric of the country.[/quote]\par
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I just hope he wouldn’t need to see a doctor after the event
On 06/27/07 at 5:26 am
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[quote comment="2216"]I love the thought of Paris Hilton hanging herself. You just put a smile on my face for the day.[/quote]\par
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Great way to start the morning.
On 06/27/07 at 5:26 am
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[quote comment="2218"]I wish Chris Benoit would have killed Paris Hilton too…[/quote]\par
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Ouch
On 06/27/07 at 5:29 am
said:
I think I would be more inclined to watch competitive eating if Paris Hilton was involved. I would love to see that skinny little twit eat like that and hopefully my prayers would be answered because she would choke to death on a hot dog. Although her killing herself with the strap from her Prada bag would work just as well…..just as long as she’s gone for good I would be happy
On 06/27/07 at 5:29 am
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You know you were thinking the same thing!…
On 06/27/07 at 5:30 am
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[quote comment="2219"]Jayzeus! The thought of Rosie and hot dogs in the morning made me wretch![/quote]\par
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She could handle it like a champ
On 06/27/07 at 5:32 am
said:
Not without causing an anorexia epidemic! I can just see her losing bits of hot dog and snorting…wow, I don’t feel very good…I need to lay down.
On 06/27/07 at 5:42 am
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[quote comment="2221"][quote comment="2216"]I love the thought of Paris Hilton hanging herself. You just put a smile on my face for the day.[/quote]\par
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Great way to start the morning.[/quote]\par
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I did keep dreaming that the next story on her was “Paris Hilton Found Dead in her Cell”… I guess we will have to wait until she gets another DWI.
On 06/27/07 at 5:44 am
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In unrelated news….\par
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Did you know that the “band chick” from American Pie has a sex tape?…I was unaware of this but from what I hear it’s pretty sweet!
On 06/27/07 at 5:46 am
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[quote comment="2228"]In unrelated news….\par
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Did you know that the “band chick” from American Pie has a sex tape?…I was unaware of this but from what I hear it’s pretty sweet![/quote]\par
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I don’t know if I could watch that… okay who am I kidding.. I totally would
On 06/27/07 at 5:49 am
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[quote comment="2229"][quote comment="2228"]In unrelated news….\par
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Did you know that the “band chick” from American Pie has a sex tape?…I was unaware of this but from what I hear it’s pretty sweet![/quote]\par
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I don’t know if I could watch that… okay who am I kidding.. I totally would[/quote]\par
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She totally takes a shot to the face…
On 06/27/07 at 6:10 am
said:
I can’t read “Kobayashi” without thinking about being set up by a guy named Redfoot and then finding your friend Fenster dead on the beach. I love that movie. Anyway, it never occurred to me that in the wide world of eating you could sustain injuries that would criple your ability to compete. That’s actually really funny.
On 06/27/07 at 6:14 am
said:
[quote comment="2231"]I can’t read “Kobayashi” without thinking about being set up by a guy named Redfoot and then finding your friend Fenster dead on the beach. I love that movie. Anyway, it never occurred to me that in the wide world of eating you could sustain injuries that would criple your ability to compete. That’s actually really funny.[/quote]\par
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and you though bum fighting was dangerous
On 06/27/07 at 6:42 am
said:
Oh man! I wrote this great comment about you entering the contest to get a gut that I can sleep on as I find small guts sexy and then our network fucked off at work and it didn’t get posted.. Waaaahaaa *crying like a Britney fan after the shaving of head incident*.\par
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Anyway… kudos to you my man!
On 06/27/07 at 6:50 am
said:
[quote comment="2233"]Oh man! I wrote this great comment about you entering the contest to get a gut that I can sleep on as I find small guts sexy and then our network fucked off at work and it didn’t get posted.. Waaaahaaa *crying like a Britney fan after the shaving of head incident*.\par
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Anyway… kudos to you my man![/quote]\par
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I already have a small little gut, a ponch if you will
On 06/27/07 at 6:52 am
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[quote comment="2235"\par
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I already have a small little gut, a ponch if you will[/quote]\par
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In the words of your idol, that’s hot!
On 06/27/07 at 7:35 am
said:
Kudos! Lol, my money’s on your Uncle Bob. I think he could take the skinny girls out in the first round. Btw, is he really your uncle?
On 06/27/07 at 9:17 am
said:
Poor Ohio. It gets the Cincinnati Bowtie and the Cleaveland Steamer.
On 06/27/07 at 9:27 am
said:
Can I just say you have totally brightened my day? I love the thought of Paris hanging herself or possibly choking to death on a “hawt”dog..lol
On 06/27/07 at 9:42 am
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Obviously the fatal flaw in your otherwise ingenious plan is ‘How the fuck would Paris know what Flight of the Valkyries is?’\par
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Alternatively, almost anyone from Celebrity Fat Club could compete, except maybe Gary Busey.
On 06/27/07 at 11:33 am
said:
I find it hard to believe that America is not already first in this competition. Everytime I turn on the TV, there is a news report about how we are the most overweight country in the world…They tell us to exercise more and promise to give us a few tips after a commercial break, which tells us to try the new bacon burger at ______. I think we just don’t have the right people in these competitions… Entering people like Paris, isn’t the solution. They will only puke it back up…
On 06/27/07 at 12:30 pm
said:
I agree, your best blog ever!
On 06/27/07 at 1:41 pm
said:
I thought I read “best blog ever” somewhere… did i get linked to the wrong page???
On 06/27/07 at 4:59 pm
said:
Gloria said “entering people like Paris”! hahahaha
On 06/27/07 at 5:02 pm
said:
I have a pic of Paris eating a hot dog. It got published after her sidekick got hacked.
On 06/27/07 at 8:09 pm
said:
Your Uncle Bob is sexy. GRRRR!
On 06/27/07 at 8:41 pm
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[quote comment="2239"]Poor Ohio. It gets the Cincinnati Bowtie and the Cleaveland Steamer.[/quote]\par
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Perhaps we could rename the “Rusty Trombone” the Toledo Trombone. Just a thought. OOOOOOO—HI-O!
On 06/27/07 at 10:02 pm
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I saw that guy compete, and it was awesome to see.\par
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Japan loves him like they love rice.\par
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But I don’t get how he got athritis in his jaw.\par
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Nathan’s dogs are great.
On 06/28/07 at 2:19 am
said:
well that gives us all hope. now i must continue my training to be the worlds drunkest cage fighter!\par
The Man Blog\par
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On 06/28/07 at 7:35 am
said:
here’s how Hilton fixes her image\par
#1 - Public apology for everything she’s ever done. Especially Millsy.\par
#2 - Charity work, she can star by not making public appearances for a fee, have them donate it to Dafur.\par
#3 - Get a job. A real job.\par
#4 - buy panties.\par
#5 - and this is the hard one - WEAR panties.
On 07/14/07 at 5:59 am
said:
i love u parris