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Jun
18

I always thought hate mail from England would be better

By: Bobby Finstock on 06/18/07 @ 5:03 am

Remember a few weeks back I wrote a blog poking fun at the whole Madeleine McCann situation, and how biased the press is? I know it created a lovely discussion on the MySpace version of my blog, you can read the comments for that blog here. The discussion there talked about the “cute white girl” card the media plays, along with the piss poor parenting skills of her parents, and the fact that her family also has a soci-economic status that a lot of other families don’t have.

In the comment section on my MySpace blog, English blogger Ckay made the following crack:

hey what gives shouldn’t there be some mother of twelve from middle America telling you how you can shove this post up your ass and how dare you try and make a joke of a mothers loss when you could never understand what being a parent is like. i feel lost without knowing that someone had taken an hour of their homeschooling to say that you were a twisted sycophant that was using this tragedy to make your own blog receive more hits, exploiting a horrific situation and how they usually find your blogs humorous (you know the stuff about anal, date rape and racism – that classy comedic gold) but they would be unsubscribing instantly and hoped you rot in hell. it just feels empty without it

We all got a good laugh because that is what usually occurs when I talk about any issue that rubs people the wrong way. Little did I know that this statement would be prophetic, because the hate mail and the comments keep rolling in on the post on here. Instead of mothers from middle America, I am getting a slew of people from England, and I have to say that I am totally disappointed.

Usually I love getting hate mail or nasty comments because it is never something that is well thought out or that makes a point. People write in all caps, they can’t spell, their grammar is worse than mine, and it usually has nothing to do with the actual post or the point of the post. That is what I expect from my typical American hate mail, the good old US of A does not disappoint when it comes to hate mail.

When I started getting hate mail from the UK though I was really saddened because the hate mail from over there actually contains worse spelling and the people are just as dumb as their American counterparts. It was like finding out Santa Clause wasn’t real, I expected all my hate mail from England to be like:

“Old Chap, I disagree with your writing and wish you would remove your commentary post haste. Chip, chip, cheerio… Lord Falkenberry.”

In my mind I imagined the person writing it would look something like:

english

However, my preconceived notions were totally wrong I must say. Here is a shining example of English hate mail:

Dude….wats the point in complaining about it??
fair do’s u sed ur sick of the press coverage….. but you write sumfing
on here and just expect people to agree with you….i meen…..ur views are
obviously stereotypical of Americans being complete fucktards and stuck
up their own ass’s. A 4 year old girl has been abducted…… a 4 year
old…..and the best thing you can do is bitch about how much people are
helping and publicising it.
It has nothin to do with her being a ” cute white” girl….cos most 4
year old girls…regardless of race, hair colour, are “cute”… So what are
we supossed to do?? just stop publicising it because there has been too
much press coverage??

Good times. Somewhere Shakespeare is shaking his head after this guy gave the English language a giant mushroom tattoo.

You see I never wanted to imagine that all my hate mail from the UK would be written by Vinnie Jones:

vinnie jones
I wanted to believe that soccer hooligans couldn’t write. To make things worse instead of hearing it in my head in a proper accent, I now hear one of the Gallagher brothers from Oasis reading it to me in a drunken Manchester slur.

Out freaking standing….

So thanks once again England for totally disappointing me, just because of that I am going to do a Princess Di car crash blog out of spite.

Oh, I almost forgot the most ironic thing about this, want to know how they are finding the blog posting? They are googling “random fat kid” images on google. (I used a picture from randomfatkids.com in that blog.) So I am being judged by hundreds of people googling for random fat kids… Uh…

To my American readers: Do you envision the English to be prim and proper or a bunch of drunken hooligans from Manchester?

To my Worldwide readers: Do you envision Americans to be fat dudes from Texas or normal sized, stupid, and from Texas?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

78 Responses to “I always thought hate mail from England would be better”

  1. Jem says:

    So they are googling for random fat kids and it’s ok but you doing it for blog is what? Wrong? Ok whatever. I have no preconcieved images of the english, other than they all resemble monte pythons’ comedy troupe. And they all walk around acting like they are riding horses while someone walks beside them making “clomping” noises with coconuts. hehe

  2. Nice one… see, I get the great privelege of understanding both sides of the coin since I am a yank living in London.

    Obviously, Kev, it has been a LONG time since you have been in England. You are obviously unaware of chav-speaking and this new text language (not sure it’s scientific name) that has cropped up. Slightly worse than ebonics, but I think some of the new words are making it into the Oxford dictionary.

    Fucktards is a good word though, so I give that guy props!

    I know, you’ve missed me. You don’t need to say it.

  3. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4052"]

    Obviously, Kev, it has been a LONG time since you have been in England. You are obviously unaware of chav-speaking and this new text language (not sure it’s scientific name) that has cropped up. Slightly worse than ebonics, but I think some of the new words are making it into the Oxford dictionary.

    [/quote]

    What a layover in Heathrow doesn’t count?

    And yes I have missed you

  4. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4051"]. And they all walk around acting like they are riding horses while someone walks beside them making “clomping” noises with coconuts. hehe[/quote]

    I knew their transportation system was like that.

  5. Fiona says:

    I envision Brits as sounding like my mom and her family…. but that’s just me. They are a little prim though, I’ll admit that. Fucking Cockneys trying to lose the accents….that guy sounds like he’s a bit Chav, ’tis all.

    I picture Americans as fat people, period. Allah love ya.

    Same way you picture me as a black half-naked person in a grass hut, I suppose.

  6. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4055"]

    Same way you picture me as a black half-naked person in a grass hut, I suppose.[/quote]

    You aren’t? I just figured your pictures on MySpace were of tourists that you killed and ate.

  7. Fiona says:

    [quote comment="4056"][quote comment="4055"]

    Same way you picture me as a black half-naked person in a grass hut, I suppose.[/quote]

    You aren’t? I just figured your pictures on MySpace were of tourists that you killed and ate.[/quote]

    No no no….we wear their heads until it starts to smell…

  8. Jeff says:

    First off, I totally agreed with this original post. Had this been a poor black kid form an inner American city…the media would have never given it this kind of coverage. I doubt we would have even seen anything. Maybe the English are just too stupid when it comes to American culture to relize this.

  9. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4057"]

    No no no….we wear their heads until it starts to smell…[/quote]

    I hate to know what you do with their private parts.

  10. Saint Gambi says:

    Americans: Normal, stupid, obnoxious, drunken and belligerent…

    Brits: whinging, weak, pathetic cry babies.

    Australians: perfect.

  11. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4058"]First off, I totally agreed with this original post. Had this been a poor black kid form an inner American city…the media would have never given it this kind of coverage. I doubt we would have even seen anything. Maybe the English are just too stupid when it comes to American culture to relize this.[/quote]

    Well I couldn’t figure out what their logical argument was except for the fact I was going to hell.

  12. Are you not aware of the common vernacular & the use of the word, ‘innit?’ It is a bea-u-t-y, innit?

    Um, and no, Heathrow does NOT count. You lot me know if you are ever coming this way, and I’ll introduce you to some locals.

    I was at a pub Saturday night and this drunk Scottish guy thought foreplay was buying me a shot of goldschlager. So, I took it.. he proceeded to talk to me and for about 10 minutes, all I got was that his name was Ian. Now, that was a laugh… smile and nod, smile and nod! Oh, and thanks for the goldschlager – you are class!

  13. Luis says:

    Hey, Texas is much better than that shithole, you call California. And the Brits are begining to learn the new lingua franca, “Internet Lingo.” Some words that are commonplace are:

    ur
    lol
    lawls
    roffles
    lmaol
    lawlz(same as above)
    Jenna Jameson
    JK
    JP

    The rules of grammar are still in the works, but bad spelling is a big plus.

  14. Fiona says:

    [quote comment="4059"][quote comment="4057"]

    No no no….we wear their heads until it starts to smell…[/quote]

    I hate to know what you do with their private parts.[/quote]

    Want to by a dildo? It feels real…..

  15. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4062"]

    I was at a pub Saturday night and this drunk Scottish guy thought foreplay was buying me a shot of goldschlager. [/quote]

    Wait, buying a girl a shot isn’t foreplay?

  16. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4063"]Hey, Texas is much better than that shithole, you call California. [/quote]

    I just spit my orange juice out from laughing so hard.

  17. Jimmy says:

    I’m a fat and stupid dude from Texas!

  18. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4064"]

    Want to by a dildo? It feels real…..[/quote]

    Have any plastic vagina?

  19. Christie says:

    Please don’t judge the crappy hate mail based on the chav speak, some of us actually know how to spell and put together a well thought out argument and pictures of random fat kids are not appealing to the entire UK.

    I have to say “they all walk around acting like they are riding horses while someone walks beside them making “clomping” noises with coconuts” made me laugh a lot I must try that!

    I have to say, I agree with the post you originally made so you’ve got at least one Brit that isn’t going to be sending pointless badly written “hate mail”

    Keep up the good work ;)

  20. Mara says:

    I picture more of a Sweeney Todd scenario, with crooked yellow teeth. Probably more like the people you are getting hate mail from.

  21. Seamus says:

    Well you have to remember that the UK is a nation of text messages. Everyone seems to use the Text message more than the calling. With this in mind, when your lazy and your text messaging you abbreviate. Unfortunately this has crossed over to normal typing and that’s where it all goes down hill.

  22. Em Em says:

    Once I watched a show about juvenile delinquents around the world and they came to a girl’s facility in London or something and they were showing these “bad ass” British girls. They were yelling at each other in their cute little accents trying to sound tough. I fell off the couch laughing. It was so proper sounding even for an argument I figured that must be what all angry British people sound like. Hilarious.

  23. Fiona says:

    [quote comment="4068"][quote comment="4064"]

    Want to by a dildo? It feels real…..[/quote]

    Have any plastic vagina?[/quote]

    Plastic? No… but we do have some lovely models with hair and genuine herpes.

  24. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4069"]Please don’t judge the crappy hate mail based on the chav speak, some of us actually know how to spell and put together a well thought out argument and pictures of random fat kids are not appealing to the entire UK.

    [/quote]

    I heard random fat kid magazine was a huge seller over there.

  25. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4070"]I picture more of a Sweeney Todd scenario, with crooked yellow teeth. Probably more like the people you are getting hate mail from.[/quote]

    Ah, that makes sense

  26. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4072"]Once I watched a show about juvenile delinquents around the world and they came to a girl’s facility in London or something and they were showing these “bad ass” British girls. They were yelling at each other in their cute little accents trying to sound tough. I fell off the couch laughing. It was so proper sounding even for an argument I figured that must be what all angry British people sound like. Hilarious.[/quote]

    did they slap each other in the face with gloves?

  27. Christina says:

    I work with an english woman, and she is totally prim and proper, even when she’s arguining with someone. I love the Gallagher brothers/Oasis reference!!

  28. Catt says:

    First the Tooth Fairy, followed closely by the Easter Bunny and Santa…and now this?

    Damn.

  29. Trishcuit says:

    Anyone who uses the following: LOL, cos, ur, etc outside of texting or im’ing is an idiot. And even then…

    Yes, I hold LOL in contempt- I said it! LMAO, and the like are slightly better to me, but not really. You can’t take the time to type “you are”- really? Really?!

    I am a big lover of slang but when people get lazy while typing hate mail I draw the line. Don’t they know it takes the sting out of their vitriol to have the reader laugh at their stupidity?

  30. Samone says:

    I hate the poms cos they think us Aussies are just a bunch of convicts!

  31. cigar smoking, hung over lawyer says:

    I used to think of the English as having some of the classiness we dumb yanks always seem to expect – then I spent some time getting to know them. Fucak all mate – talk about inbred yokels.

    I much prefer the Aussies – no pretense, no arrogance.

  32. Don’t even get me started on the British men. The only reason they are probably even responding to this, and getting angry about your posts is that they can’t confront people or share their feelings with real human beings. Yes, I still think it is completely bass ackwards here in regards to human emotions… ‘musn’t grumble’ as they like to say. Hence, why all my relationships with British men have been doomed – at least they aren’t as reserved in bed… Ok, I should get back in my box now.

  33. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4077"]I work with an english woman, and she is totally prim and proper, even when she’s arguining with someone. I love the Gallagher brothers/Oasis reference!![/quote]

    gotta love the English

  34. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4082"]I hate the poms cos they think us Aussies are just a bunch of convicts![/quote]

    What the fuck is a pom?

  35. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4078"]First the Tooth Fairy, followed closely by the Easter Bunny and Santa…and now this?

    Damn.[/quote]

    I am sorry to destroy the myth

  36. Inga says:

    Hello old chap!

    The sad truth is that brittish youth would do anything to be american and have a really bad “little brother complex”. I should know as the youth of Sweden aspire to be like the kids in the UK AND US but are to scared to go all the way with it.

    Guess why I’m moving to the other side of the world? Teenagers scare me and if I stay much longer I will be sent to prison soon for putting my foot down one of their throats when they are screaming to the latest hip-hop crap on the tube during rush hour.
    Ta now!
    /A

    PS. I think all people are stupid, has nothing to do with BMI and/or nationality.

  37. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4081"]Anyone who uses the following: LOL, cos, ur, etc outside of texting or im’ing is an idiot. And even then…

    Yes, I hold LOL in contempt- I said it! LMAO, and the like are slightly better to me, but not really. You can’t take the time to type “you are”- really? Really?!

    I am a big lover of slang but when people get lazy while typing hate mail I draw the line. Don’t they know it takes the sting out of their vitriol to have the reader laugh at their stupidity?[/quote]

    I totally just said LOL outloud… I lol’d you in real life… blech

  38. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4083"]I used to think of the English as having some of the classiness we dumb yanks always seem to expect – then I spent some time getting to know them. Fucak all mate – talk about inbred yokels.

    I much prefer the Aussies – no pretense, no arrogance.[/quote]

    and they have that cool chant… aussie, aussie, aussie

  39. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4084"]Hence, why all my relationships with British men have been doomed – at least they aren’t as reserved in bed… Ok, I should get back in my box now.[/quote]

    Just when it started to get good

  40. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4088"]

    PS. I think all people are stupid, has nothing to do with BMI and/or nationality.[/quote]

    I am learning that slowly.

  41. Clarisse says:

    Do we really expect so much from those people, many of whom still walk around with something akin to algae on their teeth?

  42. sporkgasm says:

    the english to me conjur up nothing but bad teeth. crooked, brown, gappy teeth.

  43. Melissa says:

    It wouldn’t be so sad if all of the missives weren’t so mock worthy. Most of the Brits I know give me a hard time for my assault on the English language and here are prime examples of why I just ignore the stodgy folks whose familes could obviously afford education beyond the pale.

    A sycophant is an ass kisser. There should have been a question mark after “What gives…” A conjunction such as “and” should be properly balanced. What is on one side of the conjunction should be represented on the other. Does no nation make their children do sentence diagrams anymore? Was I truly the last age group tortured by the infernal things? What about using dictionaries? Are the youth of today so sappily assured of their syntax and meaning that they have no qualms about making sure the words they are abusing actually and accurately fit the sentence and use to which they’ve been applied?

    If any of these Illiterati (yes, I made it up and I like the word) had spent a moment they would have exercised a brain cell long enough to realize that after Jon-Benet and Natalie Holloway (my, my mama and daddy are dating) that the United States is full-up of this sort of biased reporting. Where is their outrage over the two teens who stole a black toddler, killed the boy then dismembered his body along railroad tracks at the turn of the new century? The media frenzy was rather limp and lifeless. Then there was the black youngster who disappeared and reappeared only as a headless torso some weeks after (late 1990s). He had been kidnapped in London and sold into use for some extreme blood-based ritual. I don’t recall a huge outcry then for his safe return, his face platered all over the news. In fact, there was mild shock, outrage and disgust and a mild dose of media looking for his mystery killer. Instead the outlets’ stories focused on how weird foreign faiths were making a mess on English soil.

    Basically, they can all shut the fuck up. Regardless of location.

  44. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="4067"]I’m a fat and stupid dude from Texas![/quote]

    Stand tall and be proud

  45. Tori says:

    I’m kind of an anglophile, although that doesn’t mean that I have an idealized picture of the British in my head. I suppose it’s that they’re unfamiliar…even their idiots are unfamiliar idiots, whereas I know what Americans are like. Sigh.

  46. sheri j says:

    Aw kev,
    You are right, that is disappointing hate mail.

    If you do the Di blog out of spite..
    Well, I can only imagine what you will get!

    I still think you should go with the “Puff” piece I told you about!

  47. an english lass says:

    im english and im proud !!! i know you lot over there dont really understand us, but some of us do like going out getting trashed and having a good time ( northeners )(but you can pick on people in south they are like that ) (lol) ,i agree on the maddie thing though to a point,

  48. an english lass says:

    lol even my spelling crap lol

  49. gettin bitches pissed sence 1985 says:

    I cannot belive people can get so bent out of shape over a blog.

    I gave u my 2 cents about the blog, I agreed 100%

    I’m gonna google some random fat kids now because its my day off, and fat kids make me giggle.. ;)

    Happy monday!

  50. Katie says:

    My boyfriend went to London and a guy tried to mug him. Remembering that there are no guns in England, and the mugger didn’t even have a knife, and Boyfriend had about 5 inches and 50 lbs on the mugger he wasn’t having it. The conversation went like this,
    Brit Mugger: Give me your money!
    Boyfriend: Why?
    Brit Mugger: I’m mugging you.
    Boyfriend: No you’re not.
    Brit Mugger: Can I have your money?
    Boyfriend: You can’t ask to rob me!!
    Brit Mugger: That’s logical.

    All in all the mugger didn’t get his money and ended up showing Boyfriend a cool Pub where the mugger bought him a couple of pints. It was quite surreal. The guy was quite polite.

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