"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."


I always thought hate mail from England would be better

By: Bobby Finstock on 06/18/07 @ 5:03 am

Remember a few weeks back I wrote a blog poking fun at the whole Madeleine McCann situation, and how biased the press is? I know it created a lovely discussion on the MySpace version of my blog, you can read the comments for that blog here. The discussion there talked about the “cute white girl” card the media plays, along with the piss poor parenting skills of her parents, and the fact that her family also has a soci-economic status that a lot of other families don’t have.

In the comment section on my MySpace blog, English blogger Ckay made the following crack:

hey what gives shouldn’t there be some mother of twelve from middle America telling you how you can shove this post up your ass and how dare you try and make a joke of a mothers loss when you could never understand what being a parent is like. i feel lost without knowing that someone had taken an hour of their homeschooling to say that you were a twisted sycophant that was using this tragedy to make your own blog receive more hits, exploiting a horrific situation and how they usually find your blogs humorous (you know the stuff about anal, date rape and racism – that classy comedic gold) but they would be unsubscribing instantly and hoped you rot in hell. it just feels empty without it

We all got a good laugh because that is what usually occurs when I talk about any issue that rubs people the wrong way. Little did I know that this statement would be prophetic, because the hate mail and the comments keep rolling in on the post on here. Instead of mothers from middle America, I am getting a slew of people from England, and I have to say that I am totally disappointed.

Usually I love getting hate mail or nasty comments because it is never something that is well thought out or that makes a point. People write in all caps, they can’t spell, their grammar is worse than mine, and it usually has nothing to do with the actual post or the point of the post. That is what I expect from my typical American hate mail, the good old US of A does not disappoint when it comes to hate mail.

When I started getting hate mail from the UK though I was really saddened because the hate mail from over there actually contains worse spelling and the people are just as dumb as their American counterparts. It was like finding out Santa Clause wasn’t real, I expected all my hate mail from England to be like:

“Old Chap, I disagree with your writing and wish you would remove your commentary post haste. Chip, chip, cheerio… Lord Falkenberry.”

In my mind I imagined the person writing it would look something like:


However, my preconceived notions were totally wrong I must say. Here is a shining example of English hate mail:

Dude….wats the point in complaining about it??
fair do’s u sed ur sick of the press coverage….. but you write sumfing
on here and just expect people to agree with you….i meen…..ur views are
obviously stereotypical of Americans being complete fucktards and stuck
up their own ass’s. A 4 year old girl has been abducted…… a 4 year
old…..and the best thing you can do is bitch about how much people are
helping and publicising it.
It has nothin to do with her being a ” cute white” girl….cos most 4
year old girls…regardless of race, hair colour, are “cute”… So what are
we supossed to do?? just stop publicising it because there has been too
much press coverage??

Good times. Somewhere Shakespeare is shaking his head after this guy gave the English language a giant mushroom tattoo.

You see I never wanted to imagine that all my hate mail from the UK would be written by Vinnie Jones:

vinnie jones
I wanted to believe that soccer hooligans couldn’t write. To make things worse instead of hearing it in my head in a proper accent, I now hear one of the Gallagher brothers from Oasis reading it to me in a drunken Manchester slur.

Out freaking standing….

So thanks once again England for totally disappointing me, just because of that I am going to do a Princess Di car crash blog out of spite.

Oh, I almost forgot the most ironic thing about this, want to know how they are finding the blog posting? They are googling “random fat kid” images on google. (I used a picture from randomfatkids.com in that blog.) So I am being judged by hundreds of people googling for random fat kids… Uh…

To my American readers: Do you envision the English to be prim and proper or a bunch of drunken hooligans from Manchester?

To my Worldwide readers: Do you envision Americans to be fat dudes from Texas or normal sized, stupid, and from Texas?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

78 Responses to “I always thought hate mail from England would be better”

  1. Ami says:

    Well, I totally thought that the English would be able to spell better than we do. I guess I was totally wrong on that assumption.

    But I have always envisoned them being prim and proper. I would have never thought they would have said fucktards. I thought that it was just a US thing.

    But whenever I hear english people speak, it reminds me of the kelloggs commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQNKuXkOR0U

    Makes me laugh everytime.

  2. Tara says:

    Being half Irish and half Jamaican, I may have it out a bit for the English, that being said: they’re hypocritical bastards that have been dropping the ball from the Suez Crisis all the way up till right here and now with the Iraqi debacle. If I have to listen to one more snide limey bastard shit talk about OUR policies, I swear to St. George I’m gonna throw a cuppa on someone.

  3. cigar smoking, hung over lawyer says:

    [quote comment="4086"][quote comment="4082"]I hate the poms cos they think us Aussies are just a bunch of convicts![/quote]

    What the fuck is a pom?[/quote]

    Aussie slang for a proper englishman:

    Pom, pommy : an Englishman
    Pommy bastard : an Englishman
    Pommy shower : using deodorant instead of taking a shower
    Pommy’s towel, as dry as a : very dry – based on the canard that Poms bathe about once a month

    I knew all that time in Oz would pay off one day.

  4. Mel says:

    I think Eddie Izzard, a Brit nonetheless, summed up the british attitude towards the rest of the world… they put their hands over their ears and go la la la la we’re not listening.

    I 100% agree with you that if the kid was black or in any way not of the ruling caucasion class it wouldn’t have gotten near the same amount of press coverage. This fact has been over and over here in the states.

    I toast you

  5. nikoe says:

    WOW!!! i am so heart broken i cant believe they talk like that i really thought they all talked like propper and with cute cockney accents and all that jazz! i really cant believe it!!!

  6. Frances says:

    England is full of people running around saying “tally-ho”, in the same way that Scotland is full of hairy ginger men in kilts shouting “you may take our lives…”

    Come to Scotland and we can laugh at the English from a safe distance.

    p.s. everyone secretly loves to laugh at fat kids

  7. Katie says:

    “Chip, chip, cheerio… Lord Falkenberry.”


    P.S. – It’s not the English we need to be worried about…it’s the French.

  8. Alex says:

    As a Texan, I take exception to being associated with obesity and stupidity. I am neither of those, and while I realize the remark was a bit tongue-in-cheek on your part, I’m probably smarter than the combination of all your hate-mailers from the UK, so sod off, old chap. :-)

  9. Sarnie says:

    as a brit i have to say that most types of people who use terms such as ‘fair do’s’ are the type of neo-chauvs which really need to be dispatched

    if you like i shall give you a good old example of classic british complaining

    ‘how do you do kevin
    one was terribly offended by your article regarding madeline mccann i truly hope that you die in some form of accident’

    please note thats hypothetical i actually agree with your article

  10. emma... says:

    I suppose I agreed with your original Madeleine McCann article but at the end of the day you’ve gotta remember that the longer the story is kept in the media and the more aware people are of it the more chance that she’ll be found. Can you blame her parents for ‘hogging’ the spotlight when it means there’s a better chance of their little girl being found? I guess they should be thanking you for giving the story a little more coverage then Kevin :p

    And I envisage Americans as fat, ignorant, uncultured lovable morons (from Texas).

  11. lori says:

    when i think of england all i can envision is MARY POPPINS…with dick van dyke doing a horrible english accent but how can you not love him?

  12. LoneStarBrit says:

    Out-fucking-standing Kevin! As a Brit living in Texas I have a foot in both camps as it were. I don’t speak (or spell) like Vinnie Jones or the Gallaghers and we absolutely ALL dress like the powdered fops in the picture. The whole Madeleine McCann thing gets right on my tits too. There is a direct correlation with UK media exposure on missing kids (only cute ones of course) and the proximity to school holidays. The McCann child went missing around spring half-term and the massive tabloid coverage serves to whip everyone into a frenzy on the perceived danger to their kids during the holidays. The sad truth is that kids go missing every day of the year and very few of them receive such coverage. And yeah, what the hell were they doing leaving a four year old unattended?
    Oh and most Texans are fat and stupid!

  13. Alicia {Mom~o} says:

    Hey Kevin, that blog was politically incorrect but I still liked it. I know you don’t hate missing children. Most of us ‘got it’ (I think), I guess alot of people didn’t. That’s life.

    It doesn’t really surprise me that there are Brits that can’t spell or make any sense out of words because it’s a global problem. I think United Nations should address it. ASAP.

  14. Rae says:

    Honestly, I think of all English people to be like my Mother’s family. It is for this reason that I’m afraid to ever go.

  15. Heather says:

    I don’t know about imagining the English to sound prim and proper, but i do hear a jolly old accent when I think about them. I sort of have a mental image of Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins in my head, and it goes without saying that all the English are chimmney sweepers in their spare time LOL

  16. Kevin says:

    I was gone for the day and I got a shitload of good comments.

    First of all the dick van dyke references are killing me because that is all I can hear in my head.

    Second, I guess people are dumb everywhere, I just want the British to be prim and proper.

    I have to run otherwise I would just hit here and comment back but I am in the process of selling my car… fun and good times.

  17. Tiffany says:

    [quote post="619"]Here is a shinning example of English hate mail:[/quote]

    oh KEV!..

    you committed the classic blunder (and no it’s NOT about land wars in Asia)!

    never make call out other’s spelling and grammar while @ the same time making a spelling error.

    it’s okay though.

    i still FREAKING love you.

  18. Tiffany says:

    [quote post="619"]never make call out other’s spelling[/quote]

    wow. talk about irony.

  19. LMAO… yup got some hate mail from Brits myself. usually they are very clever and witty but the haters all seem to be

    b)dumb as fuck

    and yes. most of them do not know how to spell. I mean if you are going to tear apart a blog. at least use spell checker so you don’t come off sounding like an idiot. nice one bruv.

  20. Samone says:

    [quote comment="4086"][quote comment="4082"]I hate the poms cos they think us Aussies are just a bunch of convicts![/quote]

    What the fuck is a pom?[/quote]

    Sorry.. I forget.. you dont speak Aussie.. it aussie for British. Generally used as “F*ing Pom!”

  21. Lord Matt says:

    This one is just for you then.

    “Oh I say, you utter cad – profiteering your blog and the expense of a domestic tragedy. You should be hung, drawn and quartered or at the very least soundly thrashed and made to stand in the corner without any tea. You are a bounder of the lowest order and not very nice.

    “You clearly need to be put in your place and I am sure my fellow members of the great and glorious British Empire will join me in not talking to you for a week.

    “Let that be a lesson to you!”

    Is that better? Sadly we Brits don’t talk like that and only do so when taking the piss out of toffs like Prince Charley. I have no doubt that a bit of stiff upperlippedness remains where there is enough family wealth to sustain it but sadly the average Brit brat has about as much brains as an American… (did you notice the insult – of course you did, which means that there are us types that think and those types that couldn’t type a good insult if they tried.)

    …and anyway us “well typed” British subjects are far to occupied doing complex things that your foreign chaps couldn’t possibly understand.

    Or something like that.

    Cheer up – it ain’t all bad. Next time you feel you need a good insulting just drop me a line.

  22. ckay says:

    you would of thought that reading a single thing i had ever written would of destroyed your belief we can spell months ago

  23. Lacey says:

    I thought the same thing! I always had this preconceived notion that all people from the UK were always prim and proper. Well, at least that’s how they come across in movies, and other places. Like there was a Facebook group I saw where a bunch of English people were bashing Americans because of our intelligence and somehow we’re dumber than them because we “butcher the English language and ‘American-ize’ it.” But then you come across people like the person you got hatemail from or most anyone from the UK on myspace, that totally makes people who think like that look stupid too. Or maybe it’s just the cool accent they have that makes us think they should be very proper. I don’t know. And I don’t like your comment about Texas, just so you know. I’m normal-sized and from Texas, and I’m not stupid. Why is it, just like we think all people from the UK are prim and proper, that people think all people from Texas are a bunch of slow-talking, stupid people who like to wear Wranglers, ride horses, wear cowboy hats all the time and big belt buckles?

  24. Tiffany says:

    [quote post="619"]you would of thought[/quote]

    oh my.

    are you trying to be tounge-in-cheek about spelling/grammar?

    or was that intentional.

    I would HAVE thought you would know better.


  25. Kassie says:

    My friend started saying “LOL”, “LMAO”, and “JK” in everyday conversations with people. He thinks it makes him sound cool.

  26. shausha says:

    I’m late to the fray on this, but did want to make the point that most Americans seem to forget …

    England DOES NOT = UK

    England is but a part of the UK just as California, say, is a part of the US with the U=United be it US or UK.

    Apart from that believe what you want.

  27. Carlisle says:

    Personally, I would rather Americans thought of us as a load of drunken yobs from Manchester, it’s closer to the truth. We working class Brits tire of people expecting us to look and speak like Lord Nigel Nodentistsbury Stickupthearseington Overpriviligeson esquire. We get all the ‘I hate you fucking limeys with your superior attitude and bad teeth and country mansions and tea parties with the Queen’. Then when they meet us they are disappointed that we aren’t that person. Its like being between a rock and a hard place.

  28. Kikia says:

    I am english and i have to say the only people that use them words are about 14 year old children who think it is cool. We like to think we are a powerful country because of our history and our size compared to other countries and some people are still stuck on the past and owning 3/4 of the world. People havn’t adapated to the fact were not as powerful anymore so shouldn’t through our weight around as much. Sorry i had to get that one cleared.

    Back to the article, it was a big publisized thing here, i know your not meaning to sound heartless and that you do care, i think its just the majority of people here have herd about it that much it kind of sinks in so you become offended real easily.

© 2007 Pointless Banter - All Rights Reserved || Designed: E.Webscapes || Social Media Consulting: Comedy Central Sound