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Jun
15

5 Indulgences I Would Buy if I Became Disgustingly Rich

By: Bobby Finstock on 06/15/07 @ 6:27 am

I know a lot of people daydream about what they would do if they won the lottery or something of that nature. Once and awhile I sit around and ponder this, instead of thinking about where I would buy a home or how I could help my family, I think about random things I could afford with all of this money. Here is a list of 5 things I would totally get if I was loaded:

backup singers

5) Backup Singers:
Whenever I made an excellent point or a haunting statement I would love to have background singers that would sing the last word I said in unison to give it added impact. However, unlike the picture above, I want them to be all fat, black, and damn sassy, basically three Mo’niques but not as annoying.

4) The Peach Pit from 90210: I want a place where my friends and I can hang out that says, “You are almost as cool as Dylan McKay…” Of course I will hire the actor that played Nat to reprise his role and be our mentor when we get into trouble, he could use the work.

3) A chain of strip clubs: I always have wanted to buy a strip club and rename it the Vag. Think of the advertising campaigns you can run: Come inside the Vag, Our Vag you don’t need permission to enter, and if the front door of the Vag is busy you can always try the back door. It would be huge, people would be buying t-shirts, it would be a sensation.

olsen twins

2) The Olsen Twins: Why? Because I can afford to. I would then immediately go to a country with no extradition laws and build a thunderdome. Then I would have them fight themselves to the death using common household appliances. Of course I would broadcast it on the internet and allow people to gamble on it, making a ton of money off the broadcast.

kenny loggins

1) Kenny Loggins: Do I even need to explain why? I can hear the themes to Footloose, Top Gun, and Caddyshack at will….

What random thing would you buy if you became disgustingly rich?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

40 Responses to “5 Indulgences I Would Buy if I Became Disgustingly Rich”

  1. Em Em says:

    #1- An amusement park, because seriously, why not? And I wouldn’t let anyone in until I had to start paying maintenence people.

    #2- A franchise of Roscoe’s Chicken &Waffles, because I think the name is the best restaurant name ever.

    #3- An Aston Martin Vanquish. Because.

    #4- A team of makeup artists, so I too, could look “naturally” beautiful, for the low, low price of $8,000 like celebrities do.

    #5- My very own gym to work out in, so never again do I have to feel the awkward stare of the creepy old guy behind me on the elipticals at the Y.

  2. sporkgasm says:

    the kenny loggins one was the sealer. hilarious. i am a huge proponent of “i’m allright,” myself.

  3. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3934"]the kenny loggins one was the sealer. hilarious. i am a huge proponent of “i’m allright,” myself.[/quote]

    How can one not be?

  4. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3933"]

    #2- A franchise of Roscoe’s Chicken &Waffles, because I think the name is the best restaurant name ever.

    [/quote]

    So true, so very true…

  5. cigar smoking, hung over lawyer says:

    1. The presidental election
    2. The A-team – I need body guards for show and who can’t hit the side of a barn when they shoot. Safer for everyone.
    3. Captain Nemos Nautilas, not that cheap crappy one Rickover had built.
    4. My own porn line and a stable of girls to go with it – be like printing money
    5. Donald Trump’s rug/rat – just to get rid of the damn thing

  6. Fiona says:

    Huh. What would I buy.

    Johnny Depp to be my personal cabana boy.

    A beach house here and country home in Northumberland, Uk.

    A boat big enough for me and maybe 10 other people.

    …… yeah, that would be it…. I can’t think of anything else…. WAIT!
    Paris Hilton as the pooper scooper for my 6 British Mastiffs…. she’d have to pick it up with her hands and say “That’s hot” each time.

  7. Clarisse says:

    Just plain fat black sassy women back-up won’t do it. You gotta put them in choir robes and make them sway.

    And I would buy Greenland.

  8. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3937"]
    2. The A-team – I need body guards for show and who can’t hit the side of a barn when they shoot. Safer for everyone.
    [/quote]

    As a bonus you know Faceman can get some girlies for the porn line

  9. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3938"]

    A boat big enough for me and maybe 10 other people.

    [/quote]

    Wow, slow down there, don’t get too indulgent.

    what is next? I want a car roomy enough for five people?

  10. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3939"]Just plain fat black sassy women back-up won’t do it. You gotta put them in choir robes and make them sway.

    And I would buy Greenland.[/quote]

    Choir robes? I was thinking leather.

  11. Fiona says:

    [quote comment="3941"][quote comment="3938"]

    A boat big enough for me and maybe 10 other people.

    [/quote]

    Wow, slow down there, don’t get too indulgent.

    what is next? I want a car roomy enough for five people?[/quote]

    What’s wrong with wanting a small boat….. any more than 10 other people and I’ll be pushing people overboard.

  12. Ashley says:

    #1 I would rent Kenny Loggins out from you for appearances at weddings & birthdays :D

    #2 COLLEGE!

    #3 I would buy Iraq and run it MY way, make all the US soldiers go home.

    #4 Find a cure for AIDS (REALLY find a cure, not just “say” I’m “studying” to do it), and everything else from there.

    #5 Throw money out of a plane and watch people fight to the death trying to nab it.

  13. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3943"]

    What’s wrong with wanting a small boat….. any more than 10 other people and I’ll be pushing people overboard.[/quote]

    I’ll send you a dingy then

  14. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3944"]

    #5 Throw money out of a plane and watch people fight to the death trying to nab it.[/quote]

    Now that is a quality use of money

  15. Inga says:

    1. Sex
    2. My own beer brewery, I would live in it.
    3. My own metrosexual football team. Nothing beats dirty, sweaty and hot men slapping each others asses in the shower, under my close supervision of course!
    4. Some more sex
    5. A surrugot mom so I wont have to destroy my body by having kids.

  16. Melissa says:

    1. A huge house. So big that I couldgo room to room and make a mess and not care until the end of the month when the cleaning peopel came to bow, scape and of course, clean.

    2. A chinese restaurant in the basement of said house. Take out rocks but it is cold by the time you get home – and you’re always hungry a few hours later. I want my own 24 hour General Tso’s hotline in the house. Be a nice extra if the wait staff were all massage parlor girls :D

    3. All the hot actors I lust after are married (Jet Li) or close enough to it (Johnny Depp) that I don’t need the migraine of a pissed off wife. So, I’ll indulge my fantasies and the hubby’s and splurge on a red hot weekend with porn stars, Sophia Rossi, Angel Dark, Voodoo and Nick Manning. I like Stephen St. Croix too but that would be greedy. He could be an alternate along with Stormy.

    4. I want my own school. As demented as I am, I am sick and tired of kids getting a substandard education. Our classes are overcrowded, underfunded and the teachers are frazzed. My school would also have real classes that kids want: hacking Microsoft, sex ed without Fear Factor disease threats, a gym class that resembles an Army endurance trial with artillery bursts and a driver’s ed class on how to really give cops a chase they’ll never forget.

    5. To complete my personal arsenal. I want a Bushmaster in a .308 and a Socom II with night scope among other pretty destructive things.

  17. kate says:

    1. make my own college like in accepted and make toga parties mandatory

    2. make my own reality show “who wants to be a ninja”

    3. buy the dallas mavericks from mark cuban

    4. make a social website like myspace but without the malfunctions

  18. Isha says:

    Here are my 5 things:

    1. I’d buy the Atlantic Ocean, so I could be even more disgustingly rich because I’d charge every ship that had to cross it (and planes in the air space over head) a bit of money to pass.

    2.Graceland…need I say more??

    3. I’d make an all adult amusement park. Leave your kids at the gate….

    4. I’d buy the WWE from Vince McMahon. I’m a wrestling fan, if you knew me you would know exactly why I’d buy it.

    5. I’d buy my way into the US Presidency. Because I’m full of myself and think I can do a better job than everyone else.

  19. dutchman says:

    1. pennsylvania
    2. a mayflower replica(full size)
    3. tom cruise
    4. cruise missile.
    5. a good lawyer for when i get arrested for shooting a cruise missile into a hill in PA where i have tom cruise tied up with his eyes jammed open so he has to watch the missile go straight for his face.

  20. Randi says:

    1. Personal Trainer
    2. Personal Chef
    3. Personal Maid
    4. Personal masseuse
    5. Personal Stylist

    Got all that?

  21. Em Em says:

    5. To complete my personal arsenal. I want a Bushmaster in a .308 and a Socom II with night scope among other pretty destructive things.[/quote]

    You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.

  22. Fiona says:

    [quote comment="3945"][quote comment="3943"]

    What’s wrong with wanting a small boat….. any more than 10 other people and I’ll be pushing people overboard.[/quote]

    I’ll send you a dingy then[/quote]

    I have a dingy. I want a catamaran.

  23. Katie says:

    my top 5

    1. An Island with a hotel so I could still make money when I wasnt there.
    2. A water park with a private chef and bartender

  24. Katie says:

    where did the rest of my comment go?

  25. Karl Rove says:

    I just watched Caddyshack last night, so I know what you mean about wanting to buy Kenny Loggins. Your life would have its own soundtrack. And it’s not like he’s doing anything anyway.

  26. Clarisse says:

    [quote comment="3942"][quote comment="3939"]Just plain fat black sassy women back-up won’t do it. You gotta put them in choir robes and make them sway.

    And I would buy Greenland.[/quote]

    Choir robes? I was thinking leather.[/quote]

    Please let there be ample amounts of it then.

  27. Mel says:

    #1 a Bugatti

    #2 Steven Tyler just so I could see that mouth in person

    #3 I’d fund a group of lobbyists to legalize pot nationwide

    #4 a completely organic house

    #5 a boxing match Bush Vs. Cheney

  28. skimaskbob says:

    1. Bill Gates
    “Hey check out this new Porsche I just bought.”
    “Wow that’s awesome – I just got a great deal on Bill Gates.”

    2. The Rights to all The Beatles music, then give them to Paul McCartny
    Paul: “Thank you!”
    Me: “No problem – could you play my birthday party?”

    3. Scientology
    John Travolta: “So what are going to do with Scientology?”
    Me: “Pee on it, make all ‘classes’ free, then add a page to ‘The Book of Dianetics’ saying: “Inspired by Paris Hilton.”

    4. HBO
    no explanation necessary

    5. Happiness
    (to quote Daniel Tosh)
    “They say money doesn’t buy happiness – well it buys a wave runner. Ever see somebody frown on a wave runner?”

  29. Alicia {Mom~o} says:

    Well the disgustingly rich need their own private island staffed to the nines. I think that might be cool. And I’d get my favorite musicians to come out and play for my friends/family. Now that’s a vacation.

  30. Nikoe says:

    OMG!!!
    *i would buy a bunch of Midgets!!!! I would keep them in cages and i would make them dance and have sex with each other just to entertain me!!!! why? cuz midgets are funny!of course they would all want to do this and they would be fed and cleaned daily!

    *a school so that my kids could be all snobby and say their mommy owns the school so the other kids have to be nice
    *the entire country of puerto rico and i would make it a law to speak english!!

  31. Not the Mama says:

    hmmmm, absolutely enormously over the top rich????

    A private jet with pilot.

    Yep, then I get to go where ever, when ever at any time. Yep.

  32. Christina says:

    Hmmmmm if I was absolutely disgustingly rich I would buy:

    1. A Gulfstream V and a pilot
    2. Lamborghini Gallardo
    3. My own personal trainer
    4. The New York Yankees
    5. Washington Redskins
    6. I would open a bar where I would be every night, just so I could get drunk for free!!!

    My list of things I would buy is endless but these things are at the top!!

  33. Melissa says:

    [quote post="618"]You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. [/quote]

    Not my eye Em Em, my pretty breen orb will be looking through the scope.

    I do like the Dutchman’s idea, but why on earth would he want to buy Pennsylvania? This place is a mess. But a cruise missle for the Cruise it sooo sweet. I vote for getting the chair contraption from A Clockwork Orange to make sure the twerp sees that payload headed his way.

  34. AMANDA says:

    1. ‘70 Yenko Nova
    2. ‘69 Dodge Charger
    3. ‘70 Chevelle SS LS6
    4. ‘68 Shelby Mustang
    5. Ryan Reynolds

  35. Tiffany says:

    The Peach Pit is soooo yesterday.

    I would hang out @ “The Max” from Saved by the Bell.

    And then that magician guy that worked there could make Kelly
    disappear so I could have Zach all to myself.

  36. Hi Kevin, You have been tagged if you want to participate. :) I did the story on Green Notes. Thanks again for the heads up. Hope you had a great weekend.

  37. Jmaestro says:

    #1 Tourette’s Syndrome (I’ve wanted that for years!)
    #2 Magical super-appliance. You know, shrink ray, tele-porter, time-machine, combo thingy
    #3 A “Monkey-fight” theme bar with a basement full of hungry alligators
    #4 I would buy Ryan Seacrest and Doug Henning
    I would then use said shrink ray to make a pocket-sized Doug Henning (great for parties!) and throw Seacrest to the gators.

  38. Kassie says:

    5) The president. I want to be the next Dickhead Cheney
    4) All of my band equiment for myself and my friends, top of the line stuff. That way, we can blast our music throughout town.
    3) Donald Trumps hairstylist so I can kill him.
    2) Avril Lavigne. She’ll be along with the Donald’s hairstylist.
    1)AFI

  39. G-PHAT says:

    1-A Large fleet of Humvee’s, Not H2 or H3’s but the origanal Humvee’s, So i could go around tormenting those that deserve it and bringing aid to those who need it.

    2-An Entire neighborhood to tear down and build a huge Estate with a minimum of 200 bedrooms, and 7 floors. So i could house anybody i wanted to, and have the largest partys without having and problems with the police.

    3-The biggest freeking speeker set in exsistance, The subwoofer would be the equivalant of the MGM Grands Massave sky light.

    4-Area 51 and Area 19, so i could finaly bring the truth to the world… Do they Exist?

    5- The Iron Man Suit… Id kick some ass in that thing.

  40. sizzle says:

    have sex with each other,I want to see it

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