(I went to the Dodgers Mets game last night and didn’t have time to write anything new so I figured I would go into the vault and pull out an old entry and jazz it up a bit.)
This “Vanity Fair” piece has leaked and I guess this is as good as a time as any to post my Lindsay Lohan views. Before I dive into my whole thing about her, let me just say this. Lindsay I am sure you read my blog, let me tell you there is no way in hell we don’t believe that you don’t do coke. I am sorry but you can deny it all you want…Ok, onto my breakdown.
I freely admit I have an obsession with her. I know, I know… I can already hear you all bash me for hating Paris Hilton yet obsessing over this other media whore. Lindsay Lohan is far more interesting to me for numerous reasons:
1) Her dad is bat shit insane… NY Daily News on Lohan’s Dad This makes for an interesting dynamic because as the higher his daughter’s fame rises the crazier he gets, which to me is entertaining because you just have no idea what is coming next.
According to their divorce papers he is totally and utterly father of the year material:
-When Dina went to Manhattan in September for a meeting with executives at Lindsay’s record label, her husband followed her – then tracked the group to the restaurant Cipriani, where he yelled that his wife was a “whore” and a “slut,” the divorce papers contend.
-Lindsay’s dad allegedly attacked Dina Lohan last May, trying to throw her down a flight of stairs and slamming her arm in a door. He then allegedly forced her into a basement and sodomized her against her will, though no police report was ever filed.
-Two months later, he allegedly threw his body on the driveway in front of his wife’s car and screamed at their two youngest children, “If Mommy leaves Daddy, I’m going to hang myself in the garage.”
-He allegedly stalked Lindsay and the rest of a family to a press junket in Los Angeles last April and made a huge scene at the Four Seasons Hotel. He chased one of the kids out of the hotel room, and another child and Lindsay’s publicist were so terrified they hid in a closet. “If you don’t get your mother to ride in the f—ing car with me, I’m going to kill her!” he allegedly told one child.
The filing does cite some of Michael Lohan’s other well-documented troubles: his attack on a city sanitation worker, an assault on Dina Lohan’s brother at a family party, and several alleged violations of orders of protection.? (All were taken from the NY Daily News 2-14-05)
This is all just the tip of the iceberg though, we not only have his totally crazy antics, he dropped what might be the quote of year, nay, the quote of the decade… wait maybe even the quote of the century thus far.
“O.J. Simpson has nothing on me,” he allegedly told the family’s security guard last year. “I know exactly how I’m going to kill [them]. I know when I’m going to do it, and I’m going to enjoy it.”
How the hell can you not be totally enthralled by this? I can just see her like five years from now up for an award, probably something meaningless like a People’s Choice and her dad is outside the presentation beating up paparazzi and telling people that it’s his daughter. Maybe we will get really lucky and see a drunk Papa Lohan stumble onto the stage with him in a messed up tux, telling her he loves her and she needs to come home to daddy. Total and utter good times are ahead for us.
2)Her mom is hot.
This is a horrible shot but she is a milf and you totally can tell. Hot moms make their daughters infinitely more interesting, especially single hot moms because you something kinky and freaky is going to happen. You wonder about possible revenge sex with the others past boyfriends or the infinite other possibilities. I think Wilmer Valderrama tagged them both, I have no proof mind you, just something in my bones is telling me that.
3) She can’t drive worth shit… I don’t care if the paparazzi are following her or not. Her DMV record reads like John Gotti’s rap sheet. It’s totally amazing to me that is allowed to drive, anywhere. I am waiting for her to hop a curb and take out a block of street vendors in LA. How does she still have one of these:
4) You have absolutely no idea where she could end up. Right now she is actually getting somewhat solid acting parts breaking away from her Disney movie run, acting along side people that have talent. She could break away from her child star fame and have a career or she totally could be the next Tara Reid, a big time party girl making the dumbest choices ever. You just don’t know. She has potential to have a career or she could end up a total mess, my guess on how she is going to end up fluctuates daily.
5) She isn’t dating Wilmer Valderrama anymore which makes me happy. I have given my reasons for why I think this guy is just evil. He is the new wave Scott Baio wannabe, but there is only ONE Baio. But he has racked up an impressive list of starlets never the less… God I hate Fez.
6)And the most important reason. I can’t figure her breasts out. Are they real? Are they fake? I have examined pictures and film more then the Warren Commission looked at the Zapruter Film. I at first thought they were natural, then I saw pictures that made me say fake, then she lost weight from the whole eating disorder and coke thing so I figured they were real, then I saw pics again and I think they are fake.
The following pictures are taken off ofwww.awfulplasticsurgery.com
This is the case to support that they are totally and utterly fake.
Is that dent scar tissue? What’s it deal what is this? Do all women have that dent? I have never noticed that on any girl I have slept with?
Should there be that big of a valley in her cleavage? They totally have to be fake.
Then you have this account but then again it is the internet so how good could the source be? But still I found this posted on the web, and it is in caps, which of course means it is totally true.
“I HAVE A VERY CLOSE FRIEND WHO USED TO WORK AT MAXUMS (MERRICK, LONGISLAND) AND LINDSEY AND HER FAMILY HAVE BEEN GOING THERE SINCE SHE WAS LITTLE. WELL FIRST THEY SAID SHE WAS VERY NICE UNTIL SHE DID “FREAKY FRIDAY” THEN SHE BECAME MISS DIVA AKA BITCH . THE FUNNY THING IS THAT SHE ANNOUNCES TO EVERYONE THAT HER BREASTS ARE REAL BUT THE DAY AFTER SHE GOT THEM DONE SHE CAME INTO THAT PLACE ALL DRUGGED UP AND GOT HER HAIR DONE. SHE WAS 17 WHEN SHE GOT HER BOOBS DONE. THEY ARE FAKE AND DON’T LET HER TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT”
I think that is a rather compelling case as to why they are fake. We have pictures and a third hand account…But then on the other side of the fence:
Where are they??
Those suckers are gone….
Or just in that dude’s hand.
My conclusion is that those bad boys are real.
So in close I love Lindsay Lohan for numerous reasons:
-crazy ass dad
-she can’t drive
-you have no idea how she is going to end up
-she is no longer dating Fez
-her titties are real
Jump aboard the bandwagon folks there is room… You can’t tell me you aren’t slightly entertained by her now?