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Jun
14

From the Vault: My Obsession With Lindsay Lohan and Why it is ok

By: Bobby Finstock on 06/14/07 @ 6:54 am

(I went to the Dodgers Mets game last night and didn’t have time to write anything new so I figured I would go into the vault and pull out an old entry and jazz it up a bit.)

This “Vanity Fair” piece has leaked and I guess this is as good as a time as any to post my Lindsay Lohan views. Before I dive into my whole thing about her, let me just say this. Lindsay I am sure you read my blog, let me tell you there is no way in hell we don’t believe that you don’t do coke. I am sorry but you can deny it all you want…Ok, onto my breakdown.

I freely admit I have an obsession with her. I know, I know… I can already hear you all bash me for hating Paris Hilton yet obsessing over this other media whore. Lindsay Lohan is far more interesting to me for numerous reasons:

1) Her dad is bat shit insane… NY Daily News on Lohan’s Dad This makes for an interesting dynamic because as the higher his daughter’s fame rises the crazier he gets, which to me is entertaining because you just have no idea what is coming next.

According to their divorce papers he is totally and utterly father of the year material:

-When Dina went to Manhattan in September for a meeting with executives at Lindsay’s record label, her husband followed her – then tracked the group to the restaurant Cipriani, where he yelled that his wife was a “whore” and a “slut,” the divorce papers contend.

-Lindsay’s dad allegedly attacked Dina Lohan last May, trying to throw her down a flight of stairs and slamming her arm in a door. He then allegedly forced her into a basement and sodomized her against her will, though no police report was ever filed.

-Two months later, he allegedly threw his body on the driveway in front of his wife’s car and screamed at their two youngest children, “If Mommy leaves Daddy, I’m going to hang myself in the garage.”

-He allegedly stalked Lindsay and the rest of a family to a press junket in Los Angeles last April and made a huge scene at the Four Seasons Hotel. He chased one of the kids out of the hotel room, and another child and Lindsay’s publicist were so terrified they hid in a closet. “If you don’t get your mother to ride in the f—ing car with me, I’m going to kill her!” he allegedly told one child.

The filing does cite some of Michael Lohan’s other well-documented troubles: his attack on a city sanitation worker, an assault on Dina Lohan’s brother at a family party, and several alleged violations of orders of protection.? (All were taken from the NY Daily News 2-14-05)

This is all just the tip of the iceberg though, we not only have his totally crazy antics, he dropped what might be the quote of year, nay, the quote of the decade… wait maybe even the quote of the century thus far.

“O.J. Simpson has nothing on me,” he allegedly told the family’s security guard last year. “I know exactly how I’m going to kill [them]. I know when I’m going to do it, and I’m going to enjoy it.”

How the hell can you not be totally enthralled by this? I can just see her like five years from now up for an award, probably something meaningless like a People’s Choice and her dad is outside the presentation beating up paparazzi and telling people that it’s his daughter. Maybe we will get really lucky and see a drunk Papa Lohan stumble onto the stage with him in a messed up tux, telling her he loves her and she needs to come home to daddy. Total and utter good times are ahead for us.

2)Her mom is hot.

lohan family

This is a horrible shot but she is a milf and you totally can tell. Hot moms make their daughters infinitely more interesting, especially single hot moms because you something kinky and freaky is going to happen. You wonder about possible revenge sex with the others past boyfriends or the infinite other possibilities. I think Wilmer Valderrama tagged them both, I have no proof mind you, just something in my bones is telling me that.

3) She can’t drive worth shit… I don’t care if the paparazzi are following her or not. Her DMV record reads like John Gotti’s rap sheet. It’s totally amazing to me that is allowed to drive, anywhere. I am waiting for her to hop a curb and take out a block of street vendors in LA. How does she still have one of these:

lohan license

4) You have absolutely no idea where she could end up. Right now she is actually getting somewhat solid acting parts breaking away from her Disney movie run, acting along side people that have talent. She could break away from her child star fame and have a career or she totally could be the next Tara Reid, a big time party girl making the dumbest choices ever. You just don’t know. She has potential to have a career or she could end up a total mess, my guess on how she is going to end up fluctuates daily.

5) She isn’t dating Wilmer Valderrama anymore which makes me happy. I have given my reasons for why I think this guy is just evil. He is the new wave Scott Baio wannabe, but there is only ONE Baio. But he has racked up an impressive list of starlets never the less… God I hate Fez.

6)And the most important reason. I can’t figure her breasts out. Are they real? Are they fake? I have examined pictures and film more then the Warren Commission looked at the Zapruter Film. I at first thought they were natural, then I saw pictures that made me say fake, then she lost weight from the whole eating disorder and coke thing so I figured they were real, then I saw pics again and I think they are fake.

The following pictures are taken off ofwww.awfulplasticsurgery.com

This is the case to support that they are totally and utterly fake.

Is that dent scar tissue? What’s it deal what is this? Do all women have that dent? I have never noticed that on any girl I have slept with?

lohan boobs

Should there be that big of a valley in her cleavage? They totally have to be fake.

lohan tits

Then you have this account but then again it is the internet so how good could the source be? But still I found this posted on the web, and it is in caps, which of course means it is totally true.

“I HAVE A VERY CLOSE FRIEND WHO USED TO WORK AT MAXUMS (MERRICK, LONGISLAND) AND LINDSEY AND HER FAMILY HAVE BEEN GOING THERE SINCE SHE WAS LITTLE. WELL FIRST THEY SAID SHE WAS VERY NICE UNTIL SHE DID “FREAKY FRIDAY” THEN SHE BECAME MISS DIVA AKA BITCH . THE FUNNY THING IS THAT SHE ANNOUNCES TO EVERYONE THAT HER BREASTS ARE REAL BUT THE DAY AFTER SHE GOT THEM DONE SHE CAME INTO THAT PLACE ALL DRUGGED UP AND GOT HER HAIR DONE. SHE WAS 17 WHEN SHE GOT HER BOOBS DONE. THEY ARE FAKE AND DON’T LET HER TELL YOU ANY DIFFERENT”

I think that is a rather compelling case as to why they are fake. We have pictures and a third hand account…But then on the other side of the fence:

Where are they??

Those suckers are gone….

lohan whore

Or just in that dude’s hand.

My conclusion is that those bad boys are real.

So in close I love Lindsay Lohan for numerous reasons:

-crazy ass dad
-hot mom
-she can’t drive
-you have no idea how she is going to end up
-she is no longer dating Fez
-her titties are real

Jump aboard the bandwagon folks there is room… You can’t tell me you aren’t slightly entertained by her now?

Filed in: Pop Culture

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

28 Responses to “From the Vault: My Obsession With Lindsay Lohan and Why it is ok”

  1. Lauren says:

    lohan all da way!!

  2. John--Softball Stud says:

    You got to love someone who’s nickname is firecrotch…

  3. Fiona says:

    Read, Kevin was too drunk to write.

    I like her because she makes freckles ok…. other than that she’s a train wreck.

  4. sporkgasm says:

    i’m not the least bit interested by her media bullshit. if i watch a movie she’s in and she does a good acting job, i can respect her for that. i could care less how much coke she does or who she blows. hell, us non-starlets do shit like that growing up. it’s just not all over the papers. give the idiot a break. and i have always thought the boobs were real ’cause they come and go with her weight.

  5. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3866"]You got to love someone who’s nickname is firecrotch…[/quote]

    I can’t wait to find out first hand if it is true

  6. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3867"]Read, Kevin was too drunk to write.

    I like her because she makes freckles ok…. other than that she’s a train wreck.[/quote]

    Train wrecks= fun

  7. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3868"]i’m not the least bit interested by her media bullshit. if i watch a movie she’s in and she does a good acting job, i can respect her for that. i could care less how much coke she does or who she blows. hell, us non-starlets do shit like that growing up. it’s just not all over the papers. give the idiot a break. and i have always thought the boobs were real ’cause they come and go with her weight.[/quote]

    What about her dad, greatest comment ever

  8. John--Softball Stud says:

    [quote comment="3870"][quote comment="3866"]You got to love someone who’s nickname is firecrotch…[/quote]

    I can’t wait to find out first hand if it is true[/quote]

    Of course it’s true…like Britney she doesn’t invest in such torturious devices like underpants.

  9. The Girl Next Door says:

    When you lose/gain weight funbags are the first to go!

  10. Fiona says:

    [quote comment="3871"][quote comment="3867"]Read, Kevin was too drunk to write.

    I like her because she makes freckles ok…. other than that she’s a train wreck.[/quote]

    Train wrecks= fun[/quote]

    You just want her to snort coke off your dick….

  11. Clarisse says:

    You know, by throwing her mom down the stairs her dad was just trying to save his daughters career. “Momager?”

    And to pilfer from a Seinfeld episode, “. . .Fake, fake, fake; fake.” That “valley” is not normal for a woman her age.

    Dent free for life!

  12. Inga says:

    I would definatly do her! But first I’d get drunk and party with her, she reminds me of most my friends except for the hot mom bit…oh yeah, most of my friends are not famous either.

    When it comes to the boobs it is really hard to tell but I would say she’s had a great boob job. Real boobs just don’t have that form when you’re not wearing a bra, at least not when you’ve passed the age of 18 or so.

    Doink!

  13. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3877"]You know, by throwing her mom down the stairs her dad was just trying to save his daughters career. “Momager?”

    And to pilfer from a Seinfeld episode, “. . .Fake, fake, fake; fake.” That “valley” is not normal for a woman her age.

    Dent free for life![/quote]

    See the dent and the valley throw me off so much. I can’t figure it out.

  14. Clarisse says:

    [quote comment="3884"][quote comment="3877"]You know, by throwing her mom down the stairs her dad was just trying to save his daughters career. “Momager?”

    And to pilfer from a Seinfeld episode, “. . .Fake, fake, fake; fake.” That “valley” is not normal for a woman her age.

    Dent free for life![/quote]

    See the dent and the valley throw me off so much. I can’t figure it out.[/quote]

    No matter how much the tabs talk about her weight, it has fluxuated, what maybe 15 lbs at most? There is a 1:1,000,000,000,023 chance that all 15 lbs would have landed on her tits only. And in a lot of her bikini pictures, she appears to have a bit of a boy’s body. Girls with that type of non-curvy figure ususally don’t have knock-out naturals. But I have been wrong before, once.

  15. Jeff says:

    How can I not love her..she’s such white trialer trash..and umm.so am I in a way I guess…sounds great!

  16. Em Em says:

    I think she’s a pretty girl but an ugly train wreck. I hope she doesn’t turn out Guano crazy like her dad…

  17. Ashley says:

    I just love Lindsay! I know she’s a crackhead and everything, but I feel for the girl. Her dad’s a whackjob and she doesn’t get a single second to herself without some jackass paparazzi harassing her. And her boobs are totally real (even if they’re not, she’s still HOT!).

    I compare her with Britney Spears a lot…they’re both just “going through something”. Though I wonder when Lindsay’s going to venture out commando…

  18. Melissa says:

    I’m reserving judgement until I see “I Know WHo Killed Me” because I couldn’t tolerate a single other movie she’s made in order to watch it. Herbie? Monumental WTF?!?! All of her movies have been kiddie crap. If she does well in this, I may care.

    But the dad. Wow. Why is he stillw alkign the streets? What the hell happened to penalties for threatening violence and terroristic threats? He’s like a cop’s wet dream, all they need to do is follow him with a citation pad, handcuffs and Tazer. Why ventilate the guy with a .38? Stun him so he can provide more Jerry Springer moments at the inevitable trial.

  19. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3904"]I’m reserving judgement until I see “I Know WHo Killed Me” because I couldn’t tolerate a single other movie she’s made in order to watch it. Herbie? Monumental WTF?!?! All of her movies have been kiddie crap. If she does well in this, I may care.

    [/quote]

    She got good review for Pariere Home Companion, which is a Robert Altman film

  20. Kevin says:

    [quote comment="3895"]

    I compare her with Britney Spears a lot…they’re both just “going through something”. Though I wonder when Lindsay’s going to venture out commando…[/quote]

    One can only hope

  21. Alicia {Mom~o} says:

    Totally fake.

  22. LoneStarBrit says:

    NO WAY…NO HOW…THAT BITCH AIN’T #1
    Category: Pets and Animals

    How is Linsey Lohan #1 on Maxim’s TOP 100 SEXIEST list. THAT BITCH AIN’T SEXY. She looks like Ronald McDonald after a long binger.

    She has that oily party girl skin, as if she sweats gin. I’d bet if you licked her forehead you’d be drunk off your ass.

    I’m not saying I wouldn’t fuck Lohan, but being fuckable and sexy are 2 different things. Sexy is when a woman has an aura that can make men jealous of her boyfriend or husband. Fuckable is good enough to make me want to ejaculate into a clear hefty bag called a condom.

    How is this coked up slunt #1??? Her type is a dime a dozen. I can go to Sunset Blvd. to pick up a skinny coked up slut, that’s way SEXIER. I’ve seen Lohan in person, extremely average, extremely skinny. On the Maxim Top 100 list she should have came in at #162 or some shit.

    She beat Jessica Biel, Scarlette Johanson, and Jolie. Those 3 alone proves she shouldn’t be NO WHERE NEAR the Top 10. Her rusted steel wool muff CAN’T compare to the other women on that list.

    Speaking of her muff, her cooter has had more cocks in it than a Zacky farms chicken coup. Having a lot of sex with several men in a close period of time don’t make you sexy. In fact, it takes you down a notch. Honestly, I think she is trying to cumpete with Paris Hilton in the SLUT department.

    The problem is, unlike Paris, she can act. She don’t need to sleep around for popularity.

    All I am saying SHE AIN’T SEXY!!!! especially, to come in at number one.

  23. anne says:

    I hope the moms new reality show is all about the dad.

  24. kevin says:

    [quote comment="3916"]NO WAY…NO HOW…THAT BITCH AIN’T #1
    Category: Pets and Animals

    [/quote]

    The fact that you posted it in Pets and Animals made me laugh for like ten minutes straight.

  25. Teresa says:

    In reason number three you asked why she still has a license? see that little CALIFORNIA up on that piece?? …sorry, I had to do it

  26. bunnyknows says:

    If I never heard her name again it would be too soon. Someone who had a real opportunity in life blows it by becoming a sloppy coke whore. Stupid waste.

  27. brown bagger says:

    i self love me some lindsay

  28. woww queer says:

    okay.fuck youu.stop stalking the fuckk out of celebrittys.like are youu kidding me? you think its okay to get all up in there personall buisness because they act or sing? like really, get a fucking life cuz you fucking thrive off of other peoples humiliation.

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