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Sorry to have a third post about sports this week, but this is one that I know everyone follows… competitive eating…

If you haven’t heard yet, Japanese eating machine Kobayashi hurt his jaw and is going to have to pull out of the Nathan’s Famous HotDog Eating Contest. When I read the news I was shocked, it was like Kobe Bryant having to take time off from basketball after contracting herpes from a girl he raped in a hotel room… Not that Kobe would do anything like that.

This leaves a major void in the world of competitive eating, and it gives America a chance to retake the crown, so I am going to examine our best hopes for the competitive eating championship.

But before I give you my in-depth, expert analysis on the single greatest sport known to mankind, let me give you a little background and explain to you the pure domination that is Kobayashi. Last year in winning the title he put down 53 and three quarters hot dogs in twelve minutes, I don’t think I have eaten 53 hot dogs in my entire life. Not only did he set a world record in earning that title, he also is the champion at eating cow brains and rice balls. I would even say that he is the most dominate athlete in our lifetime, so you all kind of understand how big this opportunity is for us to regain the title.

Here our are best options:

1) A Random Hooker from CraigsList-

We all know my affinity for CraigsList Hookers, which you can read about here, you have to figure that they have had so many cocks in their mouths that they should be able to knock these hot dogs back with no problem. However I have a slight concern about the amount of food they can hold in their stomach, you have to figure the drug addiction and the never eating thing would make them barf after three hot dogs.

On the other hand desperation is always a good thing, you dangle enough money in front of these girls they will do anything, including a Cincinnati Bow-tie.

2) My Uncle Bob-

That lobster was alive until he saw my Uncle coming and hung himself. Rumor has it that my uncle once ate Cleveland and then shit it out, thus explaining the current state of the city. (Note to Cleveland: Putting in a rock and roll museum does not change the fact that you are still Cleveland.)

Now I know you are all waiting for me to take a shot at a fat celebrity like Rosie O’Donnell or perhaps make a Star Jones busting her stomach staple joke. But that would be too easy, sure I thought about raising John Candy from the dead but that would just be cruel, well not as cruel as saying Michael J. Fox would suck because he couldn’t hold a hot dog. Anyways… our next best hope would be:

3) Paris Hilton-

I know we are all so sick of hearing about her, but you know she wants to keep this public attention going. What better way to do that and capture America’s heart than to win the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest? Think about the story, the impending movies deals, the books, the paparazzi, the visits to Larry King Live… I mean really who could think of a better story. The hotel heiress comes out of the slammer and is in the need of a major junk food binge, hearing that Kobayashi is hurt, she recognizes that she is America’s best hope at regaining the title.

Picture this scene: She arrives via helicopter with “The Ride of the Valkyries” blasting at high volume, the press taking tons of pictures, flash bulbs bursting everywhere. Hilton steps to the table and eats “69″ hot dogs blowing away the competition, after eating the last dog she daintily pats the corners of her mouth like she just came from tea time. She easily could have eaten eaten more but afterwards explains, “I stopped on my favorite number.” When asked why she did this, she just answers with “America, that’s hot” and drapes herself in the American flag. The New York Post then has her on the front page the next day “That’s Hot…Dog” and she is America’s new sweetheart.

Can anyone think of a better way to redeem her image? Well besides hanging herself with a strap from a prada bag.

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