Why I am Better Than Tarantino

While my trip to Cannes was a ton of work, there was one major thing I learned, that I am totally better than Quentin Tarantino. Usually I don’t evaluate myself against other people and say that I am better than them or anything like that, but something set me off to do this.

Tarantino was on my flight from London to France with Rosario Dawson. Two people that I had met on the first leg of the flight were in line waiting with me to get on the plane when they showed up. At first I thought it was really cool that they waited at the back of the line like everyone else. However, when we got to the front of the line their publicist came barging through screaming, “EXCUSE ME.”

It kind of irked me at first that they basically waited ten minutes and then decided to skip the entire line. But when they budged through Rosario Dawson made eye contact with me and gave me one of those “I’m totally embarrassed” smiles. Like she felt like a complete and utter ass pulling the star card and really how can I be mad at someone that looks like this:

Tarantino though did no such thing. Which made me think, “Fuck this guy, I am totally better than him.” Now I would like to give you the four reasons why I am better than Quentin Tarantino.

1) My head, while large, is not as disproportionate to my body as his. There have only been two people that I have seen in my entire life that had heads that looked like their body couldn’t possibly support it, Bill Mahr and Tarantino. Tarantino’s head is so big that you expect it to open up and have smaller heads within it, or possibly an alien sitting in a pilot’s chair. My head is nowhere near as big, nor is my forehead as large.

2) He stole my moves… That un-original fuck. I opened up the Hollywood Reporter to see this halfway through the week.

Like he was rubbing my nose in the fact that he got on the plane before me. Hmm, let me see where you got that pose from…

This just proves that everyone in Hollywood reads my shit and they totally lift from it, bastards.

3) I can dress myself, in other words, I don’t wear sweat suits in public… I don’t care if it is a Hugo Boss sweat suit, Tarantino made Kevin Smith look like a fashion plate when I saw him on the plane. If you make for than five grand a year, are over the age of ten, and weigh less than 500 pounds you shouldn’t wear a sweat suit in public, I think that is just a rule of thumb.

And finally… The main reason why I am better than Tarantino.

4) I got my luggage before he did…. After getting off the plane I went to the
luggage belt and pulled my suitcase off within seconds, right in front of Tarantino and Dawson. Then I went to meet up with some friends that were exchanging money and went back to baggage claim with them to get their luggage, where he was still waiting. For some reason this made me feel vastly superior to these two Hollywood big shots. When my friends luggage came, Tarantino began to voice his disgust about not getting his luggage, I turned to him, giving him one of my biggest shit eating grins and said, “You can borrow a couple of t-shirts if you want.” He laughed and thanked me but I would like to point out…

Kevin – 1
Tarantino -0

(Unless you want to count the millions of dollars he has and the long line of
people waiting outside the airport to ask for an autograph, why nitpick though?)

So everyone, pat yourself on the back today, name a celebrity that you are better than and why…