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Drunken Mistakes Volume 15: Dude, Where’s My Car

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/18/07 @ 6:06 am

During my junior year at Albany, I started hanging out with one of the guys I worked with at the office superstore, aka Staples. With everyone being in their early to mid twenties and mostly in school or taking a break from school, Staples was an interesting place to work on a social level, as everyone would hang out after work. It was a nice break from drinking with my normal friends, plus there was the added bonus of everyone sleeping with everyone else.

My friend Dennis really was into this girl Justine, who was at the end of a failed marriage at the ripe old age of 26. The two flirted like crazy all the time, finally culminating with Justine asking Dennis if she wanted to go out drinking one night. Because she was still married, it had to be out of town, just so none of their friends could potentially see. Eventually this all turned into Justine going up to Melissa’s (a girl that we worked with) house in Saratoga to go out and Dennis meeting them up there. Not wanting Melissa to be the third wheel, Dennis had to find someone to go with him. I was asked to go, and not wanting to leave a friend hanging I accepted, plus how often to you get to see adultery happen right before your eyes?

Saratoga was about 30-45 minutes away from Albany, and is a pretty good place to go out in during the summer. We headed up there and had a fun night of darts and drinking, about midway through the night, after the drinks had been flowing heavily, Melissa started to flirt with me. Now, Melissa would always make inappropriate comments to me at work and I would ignore her for several reasons. First of all, she was a truly disgusting person both inside and out. Her personality was grating, she was loud, obnoxious, had no class, had no tact, and basically embodied everything that annoyed me in a person. Looks wise… Well let me break it down this way, she looked like a love child of=

oopma loompa


mama cass

Yes, Melissa looked like the love child of an Oompa Loompa and Mama Cass Elliot. The other thing about Melissa is that she had an extremely big mouth, so I know if anything did happen it would be held against me forever.

I pretty much made an effort to avoid her throughout the night, even getting numbers from other girls in the bar, doing anything to show I had zero interest in her. It was clear that Justine tried to turn this into a double date, which I wanted nothing to do with. At the end of the night it appeared clear that Dennis and Justine were going to play their first game of “put it where it doesn’t belong.” We all headed back to Melissa’s place, where Dennis and Justine promptly raced up the stairs, leaving Melissa and I alone.

My entire goal was to go onto the couch and pass out, then get up the next morning and leave when I was in a little better condition to drive. Apparently Melissa had other plans, as she brought me a beer and attempted to nuzzle up next to me on the couch. We talked for a little bit about work, then Melissa moved in to try and kiss me. I totally shot down her approach and told her I just wanted to pass out, which I was on the verge of doing. Not one to take no for an answer she started to try and kiss my neck as she grabbed my sack of love. Again I told her no, she was then trying to talk me into it, saying she wouldn’t tell anyone and that she had been wanting to do this for a long time, as she continued to talk I leaned my head back onto the couch and dozed off.

A few minutes/seconds later I woke up to see my pants undone awkwardly, and Melissa trying to give me a blow job. Now I was kind of in shock because:

a) my penis wasn’t even close to being in an erect state, in fact I think it had recoiled and was residing somewhere in my abdomen behind a major organ

b) isn’t this um, date rape?

I pushed her off of me and jumped up off of the couch. Then I uttered the following phrase, which I still can’t believe I said, “NO MEANS, NO!” All I could think about at this point was the Emmanuel Lewis commericals from when I was little, you know the ones where he preached, “Say no, then go, then tell.” Melissa was not happy at this point and was offended that I was rejecting her, I knew that I couldn’t stay there so I decided to drive back to my apartment.

By the grace of god I made it back to Albany without killing myself or anyone else. (Note: I don’t condone drunk driving but it happened, I am not proud of it.) Now in Albany, most of the apartments didn’t have off street parking which always made it a bitch to find a place to park especially late at night, I eventually found a place to park, and stumbled home to huddle in the shower in the fetal position while I scrubbed the abuse away.

The next day I woke up and tried to recap the following evening in my head, I knew that work would be uncomfortable that day and really wasn’t looking forward to it. I headed out to leave for my mid day shift but I wasn’t 100% sure where I parked. I walked around the usual areas where I parked and found nothing, figuring I might have gotten towed I called the police and found out that no ticket had been issued. Eventually I had to call into work because I still couldn’t find my car. I found it two days later being close to eight blocks away from my house in what had to be the greatest parallel parking job I ever did…

I had to return to work the following day, where after being there an hour Melissa cornered me and said, “You need to come back to my house and finish what was started, you can’t leave a girl hanging like that. If you don’t I am going to tell everyone here about what happened.” Holy sexual harassment Batman!

Instead of being smart and reporting it, where I could now be living off Staples cash, I decided that I needed to act in the most adult manner I could think of. I immediately began flirting with Melissa’s other friend that worked there, nicknamed “Rat Girl” because her horrible overbite and other rat like features. Here was the entire exchange:

Rat Girl: You look like shit today.
Me: Fuck you.
Rat Girl: Is that an offer?
Me: Yup.
Rat Girl: Does ten work for you?
Me: Sure.
Rat Girl: Do you have condoms?
Me: Nope it is either in your crack on on your back. (Ok I didn’t say that last line but I just wanted to see if anyone was reading this shit anymore.)

This all happened right in front of Melissa, I chose the lesser of two evils and slept with rat girl in order to emotionally devastate Melissa, it was the only move I could make.

Did I act accordingly? And have you had to deal with a creepy co-worker?

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

14 Responses to “Drunken Mistakes Volume 15: Dude, Where’s My Car”

  1. Anyone who can figure out the cross-pollination of an Oompa Loompa and Mama Cass is alright in my book.

  2. randi says:

    I used to work at Staples. Weird.

  3. Tim says:

    That is quite the story. I am picturing Jim Carrie scrubbing himself in the shower after he finds out the police chief that was kissing him was a guy (in Pet Detective).
    Did your rat girl ploy work?
    Cool blog, I’ll have to check out some more later.

  4. Kristi says:

    Remind me to go have sex with my husband in gratitude for marrying me at the ripe age of 20.

    And I’ll just read your dating stories as reminders of why I never want to get a divorce. Ever.

    Very funny.

  5. Lotta says:

    Random comment – Have you read I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max? If not, you should I think you would laugh.

  6. Hmmmm rat girl or the orange fatty….. seems your choice was a hard one, even if you werent.

  7. Josh says:

    I loved your love child example…Laughed out Loud. Nice to see male date rape getting some attention. They should do some PSA’s on that using nerdy D list celebs. Dustin Diamond your time is now…

  8. christina says:

    about the LOTTA comment. I was just going to say “sounds like a tucker max story to me.” You both are a lot alike.

  9. Slick says:

    I might could’ve handled the blow job (if I kept my eyes closed) but if she’d had wanted anything else…

    Hell nawww.

    Great post dude! The “NO MEANS NO!!” had me laughin’

  10. Ashley says:

    I worked at Staples during my breaks in college. Let me tell you, there was not ONE person I would even have considered talking to outside of work, much less molesting.

  11. Riss says:

    I don’t know but this post fills me with glee. But what’s wrong with banging Oompa Loompas? They’re chipper and clean.

  12. Travis says:

    For the last line alone: I love you

  13. If you would’ve though to take the Staples cash, we probably wouldn’t be reading this today, so I guess that kind of worked out for me.

  14. Ironically enough, I had just taken a swig of my adult beverage when I read “NO MEANS NO!” and I damn near spit it all over my computer screen!

    Hilarious post!

    p.s. – I think living 2 days without your car was worth it to make it out of that situation with your dignity intact.

    p.s.s. – Assuming that hollering “NO MEANS NO!” is considered dignified… ;) ~

    - Aaron

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