I would never sit here and say that I am a ladies man, that is arrogant and annoying, but I have done okay in the women department in my life. (Of course now I am on such a cold streak I might consider cruising for glory holes.) However, who cares about the success stories when we can talk about my utter failures, which are always a thousand times more entertaining. I have foot in mouth disease aka not thinking before speaking, while this usually makes me somewhat funny and quick witted it also leads to me saying the dumbest possible thing in certain situations.
The following statements all came out of my mouth, and I would bet any appendage that the words I uttered sealed my fate with ever getting a date, let alone sleeping with any of these women.
Time: Junior Year of High School
Remark: “Hey Heather I totally had a wet dream with you in it last night.”
I meant to say that I had a dream with her in it, but wet got thrown in there… I felt like a sex offender for like a month after that. I could feel the creepiness ooze out of me after I said that, thank god we were friends.
Speaking of wet dreams, how old is too old to have one? I am… um.. not asking for me… just a friend…
Time: Freshmen in College
Girl: Jen’s Friend
Remark: “Alkjaldjfa fuck a date adlfjadhar ahkarhakhr…. ahrklar I think we should get married….*Spit* this shit has the worst after… *spit* taste… adjflajray rhrnf… Let me try to get on my knee.”
After drinking a bottle of mad dog in my suite my freshmen year, our friend Jen comes to the suite with her friend to visit us. Her friend’s name began with a T but I can’t remember it, I heard she thought I was cute, so instead of asking her for a date I decided to grab her hand and propose. All while spitting after taking the remaining sips of the bottle of mad dog, because the rubbing alcohol like taste was annoying me.
When I tried to get on my knee to propose to her I essentially ended up tackling her… Yeah they call me Mr. Smooth.
Time: The after Albany haze in Geneseo
Remark: “Hey Carrie, you are looking good.” “Wait your name is Terri, and I went to high school with you… Oh.. huh… Do I know you?” “Oh we just had this conversation last week, did I take you home?”
There was no better sight to see Kevin in his early twenties hammered off his ass looking to find a friend at 2 am. Usually I did okay but there were the extra special times when I wasn’t dating anyone and after a night of binge drinking the inner Don Juan came out. Sadly the inner Don Juan sounded like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert and about as sharp as Courtney Love after a long weekend.
Time: This weekend
Girl: identity protected
Remark: “Yeah so this one time I got really drunk and had blood in my shit. It was after a golf tournament I had like twenty beers, they decided to like shove a camera up my ass to see if I was okay, that was the last time I had to go to the doctors.”
It’s nice to know I haven’t lost it…
What have you told a member of the opposite sex that shot yourself in the foot?