Wow what an outstanding weekend. I went to three birthday parties for kids under the age of 7. The vasectomy is scheduled for Friday….
When I was sitting in Chuck E Cheese on Friday night I watched the special birthday performance for about the 6th time in an hour and a half,instead of being distracted by the dancing moves of the Mouse and Staff on stage I noticed the lead singer of the hip birthday song on the big screen tv in the background. He had to be in his late thirties or early forties, when looking at him sing the happy birthday song in the up tempo video I just knew that when he was filming that a little piece of him was dying inside.
Nobody starts out in the music industry with the goal of performing children’s music. You know that Gary the Happy Pirate had to have had a drug fueled past where he was playing in a Stones cover band somewhere in Wisconsin. With the goal each night to nail the middle aged cocktail waitress with a surly attitude.
I began to imaging what this guys life was like, his name was Chris Cooper I think… Where have you come from Chris Cooper? I think I have it figured out:
Age 17- After getting rejected by Jennie McMilfinstein, Chris, a band geek, decides that the only way he will ever get laid is to form a kick ass band. He gets some friends together and they create, “The Twelve Sided Die Goes in the Third Input.” The band mostly plays Rush cover songs.
Age 18- “The Twelve Sided Die Goes in the Third Input”, tries out for the local battle of the bands. After being harshly rejected by the judges because, according to the judges and anyone with taste in music, “Nobody likes Rush.” Chris feels dejected. After a band meeting where they discuss why nobody has gotten laid yet, the band breaks up. Chris though decides to solider on.
Age 22- After a few short stints in college, Chris finally decides to really go after his goal in life. He figures it is about time for him to get some action from the ladies out there, (note: He readily admits the odd make out session with his cousin at a family reunion does not count.) Chris decides to follow the trend of the current music and decides to form the ultimate hair metal band, “Monster Cock and the Jiggling Testies“.
Age 24- In a few years “Monster Cock and the Jiggling Testies” have become the largest band in Sarasota. Chris knows in order to further their dreams they have to move to Hollywood. Some of the members balk at the idea of leaving behind their trailer park queens, but Chris lures them with ideas of women with full sets of teeth.
Age 25- Rejected whole heartily by the LA music scene the guys begin to think about moving home. A German porn company picks up one of their songs to use in a schizer video, giving them enough money to stay another year.
Age 26- Being shit out of luck because their schizer money has been flushed down the crapper, the band breaks up. Most of the members move back to Sarasota but Chris decided to press on, he can’t give up on his dream.
Age 28- Broke and jobless, Chris with no real skills, lands a job at a house painting company in La Habra called “Pete’s Paint”. Pete promises the lowest painting prices around, although if you read the fine print in his commercials you will notice that he uses paint with high doses of lead. Chris being the only white guy on the painting crew, quickly learns the Spanish language.
Age 30- Chris now allegedly fluent in Spanish decides to tack a crack at the rapidly going Latin Music market. He records an album of acoustic material to sell in Mexico titled, “Donde Esta La Zapateria?” Chris thinks the title says, “I am a devil and a snake” but doesn’t realize he is really asking where the shoe store is. You see the Mexicans he worked with totally lied to him about what they were teaching him. Needless to say the albums flops miserably.
Age 34- Miserable, lonely, and still a virgin, Chris decides to take one more crack at his dream. He answers an add in the Hollywood Reporter asking for singers for a cutting edge group. At the audition he sees person after person leaving the interview room in disgust. People with new wave, goth, alternative, punk and other fashion types keep storming out of the room. When Chris enters they inform him the group is going to record music for the Chuck E Cheese restaurants. Expecting him to storm out like the others, Chris asks if he will be able to sleep with the overweight girl that wears the suit. The execs excited by his interest tell him that it is a possibility, Chris immediately signs.
Age 36- After cutting the songs to be played in Chuck E Cheese restaurants all over the world. Chris goes on a nationwide tour of all the Chuck E Cheeses and attempts to sleep with all the girls that wear the mouse suite, eventually he realizes that he can’t have sex with a girl unless she is wearing the mouse head leading to a sexual fetish that will keep him attached to the Chuck E Cheese corporation for years to come.
I think that I sized him up rather well…
What is a job that nobody ever wants but eventually falls into?