The Craziest Girl I Have Ever Dated

Partially through my second year of school at Albany I met a girl named Nicole that lived on my floor. I had just broken up with my girlfriend and really didn’t have any other girls that I was into at the time. So Nicole and I started hanging around a lot, going to meals together, grabbing a beer or two… I guess you could say we became friends.

Nicole was a tall, thin girl, built kind of like Olive Oyl, not exactly the type of girl that I was into at the time, but she was rather smart though, which is an attractive quality, so I did enjoy talking to her. But there was something about her that I could never put my finger on that bugged me, so I never really considered dating her. Nicole was the only person at Albany besides RA’s that had a large room all to herself, this was considered highly unusual at a school that was over crowded and running out of space. When I asked her about it she told me that her roommate never showed up to school. (I would later learn that Nicole had a psychiatrist’s note to not have a roommate.) Red flags should have gone up when she talked about her suitemates and how evil they were, she didn’t talk to any of them and they all seemed to hate her. One girl that I was friends with told me how overbearing she was and they felt like they were living with their mother.

One night Nicole came over to my room and proceeded to tell me the following, “I know you aren’t dating anyone right now and neither am I. But we are both adults and have needs, so would you want to just be fuck buddies?” Me being a 19 year old male, I waited about 2 seconds to reply in the affirmative. She said she had to go to her room and that she would be right back. When she returned she had a massive bag of condoms, like shopping bag size and told me to pick one. I was a little concerned at that point, why wouldn’t she just grab a couple and bring them over? Was there any reason for the bag? Should I be concerned about a girl that had enough condoms to supply to Kenya for a year?

I picked one and then… well I would like to say we had sex. In truth Nicole mauled me, it will probably be the closest thing to prison sex I ever had. I think I was there but possibly only in spirit, I don’t even know what hit me. After she left I cried at the end of the bed in the fetal position.

We continued to hook up for that spring, each time Nicole would get a little more freaky. She liked to be choked, then she had a rape fantasy, then she wanted me to basically toss her around the room like a rag doll, finally culminating with her asking me to punch her while having sex. I was a little disturbed at one point, we began crossing lines that I wasn’t comfortable crossing and I started to believe that Nicole wasn’t playing with a full deck. This is when I learned why she didn’t have a roommate. So what was the next logical step? Sign a lease with her and my friend Rebbecca to live with the next year in an off campus apartment.

Because we were going to live together next year we decided that we should cut out whatever relationship we had. (I was young and stupid at the time, I figured that everything would be smooth sailing the next year.) When we returned to school in the fall I had begun dating a girl from Rochester, which Nicole didn’t like. Within the first week Nicole was throwing herself at me, telling me that she gave the best massages in the world, etc. Then became a little more direct and just came into my room wearing nothing. I of course broke down and well. ended up at the end of bed curled up in the fetal position with a traffic cone in my ass…

A few days after, I told Nicole that it was a bad idea and we shouldn’t do that. My girlfriend came for a visit a few weeks later and that kind of set Nicole off. Nicole was already kind of anal to live with, she continually left notes around the apartment and always wanted to have “house meetings”. If you left a single dish in the sink she would leave you a note to clean the dish. After my girlfriend visited though the notes became about everything, and there was a little aggression behind them. It was annoying and slightly frightening at the same time.

Then after a second visit from the girlfriend, Nicole decided to up the ante. She decided to bring a guy home and basically screw him on the couch in plain view of everyone else. The guy looked like he hadn’t showered for a month and may or may not have been homeless. Of course Rebecca and I fired back leaving a note the next morning that said, “Please don’t fuck skanky guys on the couch when we are at home.”

Things got worse around the house, Nicole owned the stereo in the living room and would come home and blast Jamiroquai, you know that retarded “Virtual Insanity” song over and over…. She would do it whenever Rebbecca and I would be studying, when we politely asked her to turn it down she replied that it was her stereo and she could do with it what she wished. At this point it was clear that our happy household was ending. Rebbecca not wanting to be there, stayed over at her boyfriend’s house leaving me with Nicole.

Because I am a mature adult I decided that instead of attempting to have a logical conversation with Nicole that I should just annoy the piss out of her back. Since I had early class I would wake up and turn my cd player towards the wall to her room and play Rage Against the Machine’s “Know Your Enemies” every morning on repeat. Plus Nicole was lactose intolerant, so for fun I would spit in her special milk whenever I came home drunk from the bar. There might be an incident where I poured some of the milk into a measuring cup and dipped my balls in it and poured it back. However that is just a rumor, although my friends tell me I did that while hammered one night.

Finally, Nicole broke the lease and moved out on us. We really didn’t know what happened to her. A few years back Rebecca was talking to our mutual friend Karen, who had kept in contact with Nicole. Apparently Nicole left school, went to a mental institution for about a year and then came out and was a lesbian. She told Karen that she blamed her breakdown on me and that I was the antichrist… Apparently I was the embodiment of everything wrong in her life and I was the mentally insane one. I wonder if she will think about that next time she asks a guy to punch her while having sex?

So I have that going for me which is nice. At times and look back and feel bad about it but in reality…. eh… not so much.

Who is the craziest person you ever dated?