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Apr
12

I’ll take the(rapists) for 1000 Alex

By: Bobby Finstock on 04/12/07 @ 5:52 am

The other night I had to go to a performance at my school for my multicultural drama class. It was put on by my professor that teaches said multicultural class and it was for Sexual Assault Awareness Week. I celebrate this week every year by wearing ass-less chaps with a massive cod piece in public and a t-shirt that says, “You can’t rape the willing.” Needless to say I have never been laid during sexual assault awareness week, but anyways I digress.

I had to attend this performance so I could write a short response paper on it, as we have to see two performances during the semester and this one was just easy for me to get to. For some reason my personal common sense radar didn’t go off when I got the e-mail about a play put on by two women (one a lesbian, not that there is anything wrong with that) during sexual assault awareness week. Basically if I had any brains at all I would have figured how uncomfortable I would be. Of course none of that crossed my mind…

However that quickly changed once I got there. When I walked in to sit down I was serenaded by the sounds of Ani Difranco playing on the PA, while I like Ani it usually is a calling card of the, “I hate anything with cock camp”. If I had any sort of awareness to my surroundings I would have gotten up and left but being the giant oaf that I am I settled into one of the first two rows of seats.

ani

I sat there by myself for a few minutes and the crowd began to trickle in. As the room filled I noticed one thing that set me apart from everyone else, I didn’t have breasts. Eventually a handful of guys showed up, mostly middle aged members of the faculty.

Finally the performance started and the main actress came to center stage asking all the men in the audience to stand up. The handful of us did and I felt the stares of death from the crowd, I began to raise my hands to protect my crotch and cover my eyes to guard against the potential use of pepper spray.

As the performance went on and stats were given about rape and sexual assault I felt the stares of every single women knifing into my back. This of course didn’t get better as the actress walked down to the front few rows and stared at every man saying the line, “this is my body you can’t have it.” It was really comfortable as each time she said it she got more emotional, finally bursting into tears at the guy two chairs over from me. When she got to me they were streaming down her face… Good times, I didn’t want to crawl into a hole or die or anything…

Finally the performance ended and they had a symposium immediately following with the two actresses from the play, a psychologist, and the head of the University Police, where they discussed sexual assault awareness. About ten minutes into it I had learned the following:

-Don’t trust any man they all have the goal of wanting to rape you
-I should detach my cock from my body with a dull plastic knife to make up for any man that has sexually assaulted a women
-Men = evil

I decided that I kind of had enough and that I wanted to sneak out of there. As soon as I got up to leave one of the men in the audience asked this question, “As a homosexual I am worried about male on male attacks, do you have any statistics for those?” What a fun question to leave on…

Oh and just for the record I managed not to rape anyone on the way to my car, I passed by four guys and six women…

There was a really good looking blonde girl at that performance would it have been totally inappropriate to ask for her number there? And if I did what the hell could my opening line be?

Filed in: My Life

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

3 Responses to “I’ll take the(rapists) for 1000 Alex”

  1. says:

    Dear Sparkles,

    There’s some funny stuffs at the top of that there post. But, good golly, y’sher got yer homophobe paranoia going at top notch.

    The best part of the post? Just as the fem-fest didn’t surprise you, you didn’t surprise me! You are typical. Sorry, oh ordinary young white blogging male.

  2. says:

    Sounds like a lovely evening at the theatre…;)

  3. says:

    [quote comment="2114"]Dear Sparkles,

    There’s some funny stuffs at the top of that there post. But, good golly, y’sher got yer homophobe paranoia going at top notch.

    The best part of the post? Just as the fem-fest didn’t surprise you, you didn’t surprise me! You are typical. Sorry, oh ordinary young white blogging male.[/quote]

    Homophobe.. that is a big accusation to lay on me if you haven’t read my previous stuff. It is a HUMOR blog I am making fun of some of the stereotypes… eh forget it

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