I get to write a model’s “about me” section

My friend Leah has a modeling page here on myspace, when we were talking about a few things the other night she mentioned that she was redoing her modeling profile and I asked if I could write her “about me section”. Leah, being the good sport that she is, gave me free range to write whatever I wanted.

I told her that I wanted to make it as pretentious and obnoxious as possible, she gave me the green light even though she is nothing like what this profile is about to say. So here is my proposed about me section:

About me-

Please don’t masturbate to any of my pictures.

Before you even consider messaging me, if you don’t make 300K a year and have a thirteen inch cock I am not interested. Please don’t offer to send pictures of your bank statements or your sausages as I already have a man:

You may laugh but he can do things that you can’t even conceive of and he has a third nipple which always gets me going. (If you do have a third nipple I would like to see pictures of that, only if it is pierced.)

Last year I was invited to the Playboy Mansion where I danced with Scott Baio to the song “Rump Shaker” by Wrex-n-effect. I totally would have banged him but he got into a knife fight with Pauly Shore over me, I hate it when boys fight.

Modeling Resume-

-Chia Pets- I once had to do a chia pet shoot where they spread the mystery seed all over my body. Occasionally I still have a green hair on my nipple.

-Import Modeling- I do import modeling but since I am not Asian I have hit the glass ceiling.

-Video shoots- Young Jeezy asked to sip Crystal out of my ass crack, I had to turn him down. Although I would probably let Kevin sip Nestle’s Quick out of mine, especially if it was strawberry flavored.

When I was younger I did a production of the “Diary of Anne Frank”, the director rewrote the ending so she lived because he said if Anne was this hot she probably would have made it.

Being an attractive girl means that I hardly have to pay for anything, which is just a fact of life. You know how it goes; fat girls have fattitude, guys with small dicks buy sports cars, and anyone that wears leather chaps is gay. Here are some of the things that I got out of paying for in the last month:

-speeding ticket
-anal bleaching (you can eat off of my balloon knot)
-groceries
-drinks
-a V-8 enema
-a Porsche

I kind of got stuck there is there anything else you guys would like to see me add? What works and what has to go?