2007 April | Pointless Banter

Archive for April, 2007

Mouth… meet Foot

Published by Kevin on April 30, 2007 in Sex. 4 Comments

I would never sit here and say that I am a ladies man, that is arrogant and annoying, but I have done okay in the women department in my life. (Of course now I am on such a cold streak I might consider cruising for glory holes.) However, who cares about the success stories when we can talk about my utter failures, which are always a thousand times more entertaining. I have foot in mouth disease aka not thinking before speaking, while this usually makes me somewhat funny and quick witted it also leads to me saying the dumbest possible thing in certain situations.

The following statements all came out of my mouth, and I would bet any appendage that the words I uttered sealed my fate with ever getting a date, let alone sleeping with any of these women.

sleeping

Time: Junior Year of High School
Girl: Heather
Remark: “Hey Heather I totally had a wet dream with you in it last night.”

I meant to say that I had a dream with her in it, but wet got thrown in there… I felt like a sex offender for like a month after that. I could feel the creepiness ooze out of me after I said that, thank god we were friends.

Speaking of wet dreams, how old is too old to have one? I am… um.. not asking for me… just a friend…

2020

Time: Freshmen in College
Girl: Jen’s Friend
Remark: “Alkjaldjfa fuck a date adlfjadhar ahkarhakhr…. ahrklar I think we should get married….*Spit* this shit has the worst after… *spit* taste… adjflajray rhrnf… Let me try to get on my knee.”

After drinking a bottle of mad dog in my suite my freshmen year, our friend Jen comes to the suite with her friend to visit us. Her friend’s name began with a T but I can’t remember it, I heard she thought I was cute, so instead of asking her for a date I decided to grab her hand and propose. All while spitting after taking the remaining sips of the bottle of mad dog, because the rubbing alcohol like taste was annoying me.

When I tried to get on my knee to propose to her I essentially ended up tackling her… Yeah they call me Mr. Smooth.

Time: The after Albany haze in Geneseo
Girl: Terri
Remark: “Hey Carrie, you are looking good.” “Wait your name is Terri, and I went to high school with you… Oh.. huh… Do I know you?” “Oh we just had this conversation last week, did I take you home?”

There was no better sight to see Kevin in his early twenties hammered off his ass looking to find a friend at 2 am. Usually I did okay but there were the extra special times when I wasn’t dating anyone and after a night of binge drinking the inner Don Juan came out. Sadly the inner Don Juan sounded like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert and about as sharp as Courtney Love after a long weekend.

mushmouth

Time: This weekend
Girl: identity protected
Remark: “Yeah so this one time I got really drunk and had blood in my shit. It was after a golf tournament I had like twenty beers, they decided to like shove a camera up my ass to see if I was okay, that was the last time I had to go to the doctors.”

It’s nice to know I haven’t lost it…

What have you told a member of the opposite sex that shot yourself in the foot?

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Published by Kevin on April 27, 2007 in My Life. 2 Comments

There are some things I will never have an answer for as a kid growing up…

Adam’s parents logic….

My friend Adam’s parents had a closet in their bedroom, which doubled as their office, that had the following items:

-Candy
-Christmas Presents
-Firecrackers
-Porn
-Guns

fireworks

Whose bright idea was that? Like we weren’t ever going to go looking in there? Could there be a worse combination of things to store together? I have never been able to understand what they were thinking. It is the equivalent of a drug mule putting a bag of coke into a carry on bag with milkbones, a kitten, and 2 porterhouse steaks. “Yeah the drug sniffing dogs won’t go near that bag.”

Why Robyn never celebrated any holidays

There was this girl Robyn in our class, she was the only kid that had to leave the room whenever we had a Christmas party, Halloween party, etc… I still don’t know what her religion was. It had to suck sitting in the library reading books while we were all getting sugar highs. I always liked to believe she was a practicing satanist, but that is just me.

Why Travis Told…

In sixth grade we discovered my friend TJ’s parent’s stash of porn. Just like my friend Adam’s parents it was hidden with the Christmas presents and other things kids would want to go looking for. It was a tape of three movies that looked like they copied onto one single VHS.

The first movie was a cheerleader movie which was your typical cheesy 80s porn, nothing really note worthy. The next movie was centered around a cruise ship… And the third… I shit you not was….

Dickman and Throbin’

Yeah you can use your imagination for the double team crime fighting action.

Well anyways Travis, TJ, and I were watching the movie when TJ’s parents came home. We quickly put the movie back when TJ’s parents came into the house and asked, “What are you guys up to?” Now this wasn’t asked in an accusatory tone in the least, it was said in a rather playful manner.

Travis starts to cry and comes clean with everything. Telling them that we not only found the movie, the christmas presents, but the giant black rubber dick that was there too…

Most awkward moment ever… For both groups of people.

What is a question you will never get an answer to from growing up? And have you ever been caught watching porn?

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This is my last blog ever… I’m moving to Tokyo

Published by Kevin on April 26, 2007 in Movies. 2 Comments

(Thanks to everyone that commented yesterday, it was cool to see the different points of view. I had trouble getting into blogs last night but I will go back and finish up commenting up at some point today. There were a lot of well thought comments and debates in there. Now on to a totally stupid blog.)

I have decided to retire from blogging and go to Tokyo to fight the Yakuza and become a drift champion. Now this is going to come as a shock to a lot of you, and I am sure a lot of you are saying, “What the fuck is drifting?”

As far as drifting goes, I really don’t get it but if a partially retarded kid from Texas named Sean Boswell can do it, I am pretty confident that I can pick it up. Hell I watched him beat the annoying older brother from “Home Improvement”, and I didn’t even know that kid raced professionally.

Where did I see him do this? I watched the awe inspiring “Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift” and my life has been changed forever, I think this was a documentary on HBO that I stumbled across while half asleep on Saturday night. Never before have I watched a documentary so awe inspiring. Who would have thought an Asian kid would be out trying to impress his uncle by taking out an American. If it wasn’t a documentary I would think that they were ripping it right out of Karate Kid 2.

Yeah I know I am a little too excited about this documentary, after seeing “Murderball” I wanted to become crippled so I could play wheel chair rugby. But this time I think I have totally thought everything out.

Sure I can barely change a headlight in my car, but really… I am so inspired by this movie, I have to live out my dream. Look at the benefits of forgoing grad school and running away to Japan to do this:

Scantily clad Asian girls….

tokyo drift

If they like Lil Bow Wow, they gots to loves me….

When drifting becomes an Olympic sport I am so in

Shit they let ballroom dancing in… I figure that we need to have a solid American drifting team, since I don’t have Olympic like ability in anything else except shuffleboard, I am going to have to bank on this and train in Japan. Olympic glory can be mine!

I might get to go head to head against Dominic Toretto

fast and the furious

Here I thought he just drove off to Mexico… Who knew he was racing in Asia this whole time?

I think my logic and reasoning is pretty sound…

Wait “Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” wasn’t a documentary?

Sean Boswell was really actor Lucas Black whose entire career has been made by acting like a retarded Texan in every single movie he as been in? “We need a guy with a southern drawl, with slightly fucked up teeth, that may or may not be a mongoloid…. Get Lucas Black on the phone stat!” Black’s limited acting range makes Michael Rappaport look like Al Pacino.

Why does shit like this get made but my script, “Why I Hate Olivia Newton John” is totally ignored? I am not so pissed that this movie got made but at myself, for some reason I sat there and watched the entire thing. I would like to blame it on the fact that I lost the remote control or something like that but I sat there in a trance like state unable to turn my head away from the horrible acting and predictable script.

I guess I should call my graduate school and tell them I didn’t want to give up my spot after all…

Did there really need to be a third Fast and the Furious movie, why god, why? What other movie should have never had a sequel made?

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Is this a tad bit much?

Published by Kevin on April 25, 2007 in Education. 1 Comment

(Serious blog alert, you want the funny, come back tomorrow. But for those that want the answers from yesterday 1-Female, 2- Male, 3-Male, 4-Female, 5-Female, 6-Female, 7-Male)

My school was one of the many schools that dealt with false threats after the Virginia Tech tragedy. You can read about it here.

To sum it all up for you, a student on her facebook page had the following as her facebook status message:

“Alica is… going on a school shooting spree! Watch out kiddies, better hide under that desk, ha, ha, ha,”

Inappropriate? Yup.
In poor taste? Sure.
A bad joke? No doubt.

Someone reported her headline and the University Police Department arrested the girl, she was sent to the Ventura County jail with bail set at $20,000 on charges of making criminal threats, a felony.

After searching her room they didn’t find any weapons, at this point the University and the University Police say that she wasn’t a threat. They did take some of her writing to further investigate but as of now nothing has been reported about it. She has been kicked out of school and has the felony charges pending against her.

When I think about this situation I am really torn…

Half of me… is glad that the University reacted so quickly. What she said was stupid and it was a mistake but nevertheless she should have known better in the current climate. She is an adult and she should think before she types, because you can never be too sure who is going to read something you put out for public consumption. While I believe in free speech there is a limit and a responsibility that comes with it, this just isn’t right, it is akin to shouting “fire” in a movie theater. From the school’s standpoint I get why they would do anything they can to have this squashed, from a liability and a safety standpoint they have to.

The other half… thinks that this is a total overreaction and if she typed it a week before the shooting nothing would have happened to the girl. People have compared this to shouting “fire” in a theater (like uh, I just did), but in reality it was a poorly made joke that wasn’t even made in a threatening manner. If someone jokingly states, “Today went so bad I am going to blow my head off” in a blog should I call a suicide watch for them? Where is the line between common sense and overreaction drawn? If she does get tried on felony charges isn’t that ruining her life for a dumb joke, something that is not as bad as things most teenagers actually do?

I guess I figured I would throw this up and see if anyone wanted to discuss this a little.

Is this even a free speech issue? Is this an overreaction? Are we hypersensitive or not sensitive enough? There are so many ways to look at it, I figured it would be something different to talk about.

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Using Social Bookmarking

Published by Kevin on April 23, 2007 in Blogging. 0 Comments

(Note: This was taken from the performancing website, I can’t find the post anymore to link it. 1-4 and 7 are the best tips in this article. I made some edits to it.)

The approach is that you can use the support of modern blogging
technology as a side kick to gain inbound traffic and fast search
engine attention:

1. Claim your blog at services like Technorati. Fill in all keywords for every single blog! (NOTE:
On technorati when you register it asks you for keywords for your blog,
do not ignore filling out these keywords. It is an important way that
people find your blog. That goes for any site that asks you for
keywords.)

2. Use Ping services like PingGoat or Ping-O-Matic. (NOTE:
If you follow the automate your pings instructions here in the forums,
which everyone should have done, you won’t need to do this.)

3. Use FeedBurner for your RSS publishing. They offer nice optimization, publishing and statistical features. (NOTE: You should register all your blogs at feedburner. It is a great tool.)

4. Bookmark every article at del.icio.us (and other appropriate bookmarking services). This is another way
people can stumble on your blogs. A lot of the social networking sites
have buttons you can add to firefox. Here is a list of some of the
other social networking sites. I post to about four of them. If you use
the plugins for firefox it will take you about two minutes to get your
post on about five pages.

http://digg.com/

http://reddit.com/

http://www.spurl.net/

http://www.simpy.com/

http://www.blinklist.com/

http://www.furl.net/

http://ma.gnolia.com/

http://lipstick.com
http://stumbleupon.com

5. Use extensive tagging and keywording inside your articles and
on services like del.icio.us. Del.icio.us bookmarking and Technorati
tagging is also integrated in the publishing workflow of Performancing
for Firefox (PFF). I get pretty much of my traffic through people who
are subscribing or clicking on certain tags and also some traffic from
certain tags in my personal profile.

6. If blogging about another blog or linking to other blogs try to
send them a trackback. The trackback URI is normally published in
public somewhere on blogs which support it. That service is also
integrated in the publishing workflow of Performancing for Firefox
(PFF).

7. Use Flickr for your public photos. Link to the articles in your Flickr descriptions. Again: use extensive tagging and publish to groups and picture competitions!

8. If using a photo from somebody else (from Flickr or other
sources) for one of your articles always ask for permission and after
publishing the picture add a comment with a link to your article. It is
polite to add the photographer as contact and to make the used picture
a personal ‘favorite’.

9. If linking to somebody always send them an email about your new
link and how to find the link. If it fits your niche always ask them to
actively inform you by mail if they have something interesting for you
to blog about. That way you will build up your network.

10. Whenever possible you should add a link to a keyword in Wikipedia in every appropriate language.

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The Death of Dreams

Published by Kevin on April 23, 2007 in My Life. 2 Comments

Wow what an outstanding weekend. I went to three birthday parties for kids under the age of 7. The vasectomy is scheduled for Friday….

When I was sitting in Chuck E Cheese on Friday night I watched the special birthday performance for about the 6th time in an hour and a half,instead of being distracted by the dancing moves of the Mouse and Staff on stage I noticed the lead singer of the hip birthday song on the big screen tv in the background. He had to be in his late thirties or early forties, when looking at him sing the happy birthday song in the up tempo video I just knew that when he was filming that a little piece of him was dying inside.

Nobody starts out in the music industry with the goal of performing children’s music. You know that Gary the Happy Pirate had to have had a drug fueled past where he was playing in a Stones cover band somewhere in Wisconsin. With the goal each night to nail the middle aged cocktail waitress with a surly attitude.

I began to imaging what this guys life was like, his name was Chris Cooper I think… Where have you come from Chris Cooper? I think I have it figured out:

Age 17- After getting rejected by Jennie McMilfinstein, Chris, a band geek, decides that the only way he will ever get laid is to form a kick ass band. He gets some friends together and they create, “The Twelve Sided Die Goes in the Third Input.” The band mostly plays Rush cover songs.

Age 18- “The Twelve Sided Die Goes in the Third Input”, tries out for the local battle of the bands. After being harshly rejected by the judges because, according to the judges and anyone with taste in music, “Nobody likes Rush.” Chris feels dejected. After a band meeting where they discuss why nobody has gotten laid yet, the band breaks up. Chris though decides to solider on.

rush sucks

Age 22- After a few short stints in college, Chris finally decides to really go after his goal in life. He figures it is about time for him to get some action from the ladies out there, (note: He readily admits the odd make out session with his cousin at a family reunion does not count.) Chris decides to follow the trend of the current music and decides to form the ultimate hair metal band, “Monster Cock and the Jiggling Testies“.

Age 24- In a few years “Monster Cock and the Jiggling Testies” have become the largest band in Sarasota. Chris knows in order to further their dreams they have to move to Hollywood. Some of the members balk at the idea of leaving behind their trailer park queens, but Chris lures them with ideas of women with full sets of teeth.

Age 25- Rejected whole heartily by the LA music scene the guys begin to think about moving home. A German porn company picks up one of their songs to use in a schizer video, giving them enough money to stay another year.

Age 26- Being shit out of luck because their schizer money has been flushed down the crapper, the band breaks up. Most of the members move back to Sarasota but Chris decided to press on, he can’t give up on his dream.

Age 28- Broke and jobless, Chris with no real skills, lands a job at a house painting company in La Habra called “Pete’s Paint”. Pete promises the lowest painting prices around, although if you read the fine print in his commercials you will notice that he uses paint with high doses of lead. Chris being the only white guy on the painting crew, quickly learns the Spanish language.

Age 30- Chris now allegedly fluent in Spanish decides to tack a crack at the rapidly going Latin Music market. He records an album of acoustic material to sell in Mexico titled, “Donde Esta La Zapateria?” Chris thinks the title says, “I am a devil and a snake” but doesn’t realize he is really asking where the shoe store is. You see the Mexicans he worked with totally lied to him about what they were teaching him. Needless to say the albums flops miserably.

Age 34- Miserable, lonely, and still a virgin, Chris decides to take one more crack at his dream. He answers an add in the Hollywood Reporter asking for singers for a cutting edge group. At the audition he sees person after person leaving the interview room in disgust. People with new wave, goth, alternative, punk and other fashion types keep storming out of the room. When Chris enters they inform him the group is going to record music for the Chuck E Cheese restaurants. Expecting him to storm out like the others, Chris asks if he will be able to sleep with the overweight girl that wears the suit. The execs excited by his interest tell him that it is a possibility, Chris immediately signs.

chuck e cheese

Age 36- After cutting the songs to be played in Chuck E Cheese restaurants all over the world. Chris goes on a nationwide tour of all the Chuck E Cheeses and attempts to sleep with all the girls that wear the mouse suite, eventually he realizes that he can’t have sex with a girl unless she is wearing the mouse head leading to a sexual fetish that will keep him attached to the Chuck E Cheese corporation for years to come.

I think that I sized him up rather well…

What is a job that nobody ever wants but eventually falls into?

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