My Plan … If I Ever Have a Daughter and another announcement

I was out picking up dinner the other night when I saw a girl that could not have been older than 13 years old. She was wearing a short skirt and a shirt revealing her stomach, basically she was dressed like a hooker. Now it’s not that I mind girls dressing like hookers, in fact I encourage whole heartily, but I just got a really creepy feeling when I saw her dressed like that. I sat there for a second and thought, “Man, what does her dad think?”

Of course as soon as that thought crossed my mind she sat down at a table with what had to have been her family. Apparently dressing like a total whore was genetic and daddy was resigned to the path his daughter was going down. This scared the shit out of me, I began to think about what if I had a daughter down the road? What would be my plan in raising her and protecting her from the evil of teenage cock?

1- Get her involved in competitive gymnastics at an early age.

Fact- Girls that are involved in competitive gymnastics don’t menstruate until a later age.

So I figure if I keep her on the uneven bars until she is 18 not only will her growth be stunted and but she will probably not have any hormonal interest in boys. Plus she well have dealt with the pain of stress fractures and other damaging repetitive injuries so hopefully she won’t walk right making her less appealing to men.

2- Go to one of those father daughter Christian commitment dances aka Purity Proms.

I figure I can go there and scope out all the families to keep my kid away from. Daughters swearing to their fathers that they won’t have sex until they get married and fathers pretending to be there totally for them just creeps me out. All I can think about is Jessica Simpson’s father who used to be a preacher doing the same thing than ten years later asking his daughter to get breasts implants and telling her that she isn’t showing enough skin at magazine shoots.

Plus we know these repressed girls always turn out to be the largest whores of the bunch. I don’t want my kid taking it up the ass at 15 because these girls tell her that it isn’t sex, because you know down the road I will find out. “Dad I never had vaginal intercourse but I can shit a mack truck out of my dumper.”

3- Gain 30 extra pounds and make continued sexual advances on her mother in front of her all the time.

If I make sex look like the most disgusting thing in the world hopefully she will be emotionally scared and never want to have it. Plus this will have the added impact of my wife thinking that after all our years of being married that I can’t keep my hands off her. Little does she know I am trying to psychologically disturb our daughter to be repulsed by sex.

4- Home school her

When you think about it home schooling is the only way to go.

Public School- Too many idiot kids influencing her.
All Girls School- She ends up doing crazy lesbian things that get reenacted on Cinemax at 1 am.
Catholic School- repression + dirty little skirt= well she could never have friends over to the house
Hippie Charter School- She ends up sleeping with the teacher

So there you have it, my game plan if I ever have a daughter.

For those of you with a daughter what is your game plan?

**** ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT *****

What does Perez Hilton, RuPual, Bobcat Goldthwait, Kato Kaelin, Batman, and that gay Asian guy from Entourage have in common with me?

We all did or will have done Ring My Bell….

I have been asked to go down to LA to appear on the Ring My Bell call in show. It is an internet TV show that basically has me take calls for an hour. So if you guys want to call in it starts at 11am PST on Tuesday. It airs live on their website and then they archive it as well.

Anything goes… so if you guys want to call up and ask questions or just chat about poop it is all good.

The day: this Tuesday
The time: 11am PST = 2pm East coast time
The website: ringmybell.tv
The number: 323-603-6312

Basically if you are home or have a job where you do nothing give me a call so I don’t look like a jackass.